Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Fat Suits Kill...



313.8 – 281.4 = 32.4 lbs down… I am coming out of this fat suit… oh yes I am…

Ok... now that picture is just scary... geez.. look how the fat is pushing up onto her lungs and around her heart and such... wowzers... no this is not a pic of me... but sure makes the point... fat suits kill...

On to the morning’s routine… breakfast done… (sautéed spaghetti squash, 2 sausage links, 1 egg) coffee brewed… mixed up some tangy tangerine to drink… that stuff is so full of vitamins and such… Pominators and mastiffs outside… it is a wonderful 43 degrees outside this morning… however the wind is seriously doing it’s thing… ugh…

Thinking I’ll bring the Pominators and mastiffs back in before I start my workout routine… oxycise… tai cheng… today turbo jam … ok… here goes… doing it…


after workout....

 Ok... I did it... I followed through... oxycise/tai ai cheng/turbo jam... would like to write some more... but am out of time once again... state of mind is all over the place... ugh... wind is blowing... and I am outta here... gotta go...

Mary E. Robbins
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Monday, December 30, 2013

have a fab monday...I dare ya...



Good morning Peeps…

Gratitudes:
Common sense…
Breakfast
Friends that care

I’ve started tracking weight fluctuations again… and today my weight bounced a bit. I went from 282.4 to 282.8 seems silly but it is annoying. I know I did not eat enough calories to create a fat gain… so it is either swelling… or muscle gain… the swelling … ppphhhhttttt… could do without that… the muscle… that is a good thing… still would have preferred a weight loss over a weight gain of any kind… but it is what it is…

Put the mastiffs outside and checked the thermometer… with the sounds of the wind last night I was pretty leery of even opening the door… but it was between 30 and 40 degrees… yay… and that was a bit before 5 a.m.

Time to bring them back in and put the Pominators out… had breakfast… 1 egg, bacon, sautéed spaghetti squash, part of an organic orange and coffee.

Actually woke up kinda sore and bummed… then I read a post… that said… let’s choose to have a fabulous Monday… and I agreed… you know it is a choice… and I choose to have a Fab Monday! going for it... mood swings and all...

Gonna go put the Pominators out… then it’s on to oxycise and tai cheng… a meeting at 8 and on with the day…


Mary E. Robbins
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Sunday, December 29, 2013

I started Tai Cheng Today

I decided to start Tai Cheng today… here is hoping for renewed balance and flexibility. Additional peace of mind and calm would be nice too. My balance is a mess and frankly I would like to be able to ride my motorcycle this summer… see where balance would be a must… well unless I am seriously courting some nasty road rash. Frankly I would just as soon pass on that.

Increasing my lung capacity is a major goal as well. I am already using oxycise… and am going to continue to do so…. However this says it helps with that as well… so here goes.

I took my initial measurements… for the program… and to my delight I have already lost some inches off my hips… yay… my chest… no not breast… chest… above the breast 40.5 inches… right upper arm 15 left upper arm 15 waist 43… hips… 55… geez… but that is actually down over 6 inches…yay! Still ugh… but 6 inches less… left thigh 32 … right thigh 32.5 …

I look at that and I think… geez… each one of my thighs is actually bigger than what my waist used to be… and I thought I was fat then… lousy body image at the time.

Oh and yes I weighed as well… 282.4 lbs this morning… down from 313.8 lbs… 31.4 pounds down overall.

I want out of this fat suit… but being skinny is not my goal… being slender and well muscled… strong… graceful and healthy are my goals.

Stomping around my mom’s burned out house was an eye opener… as I could barely keep my balance… nor get my breath… pppphhhttttt! Enough of this crap… I may not be able to totally recover this body… but I am going to give it a serious go…

Frankly I am amazed at the difference cutting out processed foods and gluten has done already. Positive changes… trying for organic non gmo as well… talk about not much in the grocery stores… this is definitely a learning experience… on an up note… I am not getting sick every time I eat a meal now.

Actually this is all rather overwhelming… the temptation is to hide in a dark little hole… ok a dark big hole in the ground… or a closet and just wish it all away… but since that never works… it’s take a deep breath… well as deep as I am capable of at this time… then another … and another… then on to taking steps… one at a time… then I am thinking down the road a bit it will not be so overwhelming… because I will learn as I go along… one step at a time…

Kind of like going over to my mom’s property… that place is one nightmare maze of triggers… wham wham wham… slamming into me… over and over… total overwhelm as buried emotions came surging up to the surface and out… geez… then they just kept coming all bloody night… and into the next day… like a dam had burst… finally calmed down after painting another canvas… amazes me how that works but it does…

Yes I am aware it is not over… the next time I go over there… yee haw… get ready for a ride… perhaps it won’t be as traumatic… but if it is… then it is… I need to allow myself to acknowledge those buried emotions… raw bloody pain is a good bit of it… but there is joy and happiness mixed in that mess as well… absolutely horrid memories… mixed in with positive ones… in a jumbled mix of humanity… a mixture of love and hate… sometimes… often actually… at the same time… both massive in their intensity…

I have chosen to heal… to release the hidden emotions… the happiness and the pain… buried deep within… for me this is part of the process…. Who knows… perhaps those emotions splashed across canvas will turn into a thing of beauty… perhaps not… perhaps just paint on canvas in as much turmoil as is pouring out of me… but whatever it is… it is… taking a breath… and a step ... probably a number of crashes… along the way… but going anyway…

got brave and made a video...



Mary E. Robbins
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Tai Cheng: Beachbody

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Catharsis... Healing...



Hello Peeps…

Yesterday was an exhausting day… all in all it was a good day… but difficult… very painful… and exhausting. It was a day of cathartic healing… memories and pain dating all the way back to my early childhood bubbling to the surface… ripping out through my chest like a machete slicing from the inside… bursting out to be free… raw pain honed to an indescribable edge through years of submersion … hidden in memory or in that place beyond… moving into memory… and on…

My head hurts… and my body is totally exhausted…acutely painful…. miserable hard work … healing can be…

I understand why so many stay in denial… or keep pain buried carrying it on in depression as it festers below… yes I do… even though it is toxic stealing their very lives away…

Working your way through it … is confusing and overwhelming… the catharsis feels as if you are literally being ripped apart physically from the inside out…

So why do this… because through this healing… this catharsis… growth… on the other side of it is …. Freedom…

Sweet sweet freedom… freedom to live life…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Friday, December 27, 2013

Wake Up It's Coffee Time... shake that booty...



Good Morning Peeps!

Gratitudes:
31 lbs down… yeah baby
Shaun T… Hip Hop Abs
Tangy Tangerine…

Just finished Hip Hop Abs Fat blasting cardio… and I actually made it all the way through it… yeah baby! Good music… hey I like rhythm … good eye candy… and excellent benefits. Physically it’s a good workout… and Mentally and Emotionally… a good workout releases endorphins… our very own mood elevators… no nasty side effects… well unless you call feeling better a nasty side effect.

The hairballs and mastiffs are all outside… it was 40 degrees here this morning when I stepped outside a bit after 5 a.m.

Coffee’s been made… and now I am off to make breakfast… fried banana in coconut oil… a bit of sausage and an egg… then vitamins… grab my work shoes and head out for morning ranch rounds… yes I know there is enough work on this ranch to be a constant workout… so why workout in the mornings… hmmmm… well the breathing exercises I did before hip hop abs… oxygenates my body… and hopefully is increasing my lung function… hip hop abs is a good upbeat way to start the day… as well as working on my core muscles big time…without being a total drudge… bottom line… I feel better when I do this…

Hungry… heading to the kitchen…
May you walk in peace…
http://bit.ly/CoachMary
if you want to look it over…


Mary E. Robbins
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Thursday, December 26, 2013

words...images... emotions...



Good Morning Peeps…

Gratitudes:
Warm fire
Breakfast
Another day

Hmmmmm…. Well Christmas is over….and I am still here. The one year anniversary of David’s death has come and gone…. And frankly I am confused… confused and tired. I would truly like to stay home today and hibernate… but alas that is not to be.

Yesterday I painted two canvases… not good not bad… just is… kind of like the art… it just is… I sit here and I look at it and I think where did that come from and what is it… then I think whoa … I know where that came from and what it is… then later it is something else… I’ve done 3 pieces this past week…

There is more in there … bubbling around wanting to come out… catharsis…

Words are not really flowing as I sit here and stare at the screen… tick tock… tick tock… time is inching by… rumble rumble stir and tumble… emotions rolling around like a thundercloud… in a tornado warning zone… blacks and grays with jagged yellow flashes… wanting to go onto canvas… alas … there is no canvas… hmmmm… alternatives…

Idea… old canvas stretched across a board… leave jagged curling edges… part of the piece… no this has not been created yet… just flashing through my mind… words and images interchanging… try to write… oh there’s images… paint… no there’s words… a storm a stew… of impressions… emotions… worn denim… white paint…wood… more images… simple clean white canvas so much simpler… but then what is simple about my mind… absolutely nothing… conflict switch… change… breathe… calm… paint… louder and louder screaming to be let out… boiling in their intensity… Quiet! … subside under the surface… the deceptively calm surface… glimpses of shifting images below the calm… boiling below… waiting to come out… the surface shatters as one image after another crashes through the surface… jumping to canvas… jumping to screen in words… rushing about… geez I need some coffee… coffee stain on white canvas… and we’re off again…

Alright… dogs have been run out and back in… breakfast done… 15 minutes… change clothes… gotta go…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Smile... Smile... Wham... let it go...



Good Morning Peeps!

Gratitudes:
Chinook wind…
A night’s rest
Hot coffee in the morning

I woke before my alarm went off at 5 a.m. … somewhere around 4:30 to hear the wind blowing through the trees … and frankly the sound filled me with dread… as I thought it was a cold freezing wind… got up came out to let the mastiffs out and start the day… and much to my happy surprise… it was over 40 degrees outside… it was a Chinook wind… yay!

I just had to stand outside for a bit and feel it’s silky warm caress slide around my body as I gazed up into the dark sky and savored the view of the moon and stars…

Yes I usually bebop out the door in whatever I’ve been sleeping in and some flip flops or slippers… hey I live out on a ranch… nearest neighbor is a bit over ½ mile a way… plus it is usually inky dark when I go out in the mornings… there are advantages to living in the boonies… hehehehe….

The wild birds are celebrating in the trees… singing their morning song… the Pominators are outside bouncing around the yards… forecast is for snow then rain later today… could be an “interesting” drive home this evening depending on how much ice freezes on the roads…

Yesterday started out great… unfortunately by afternoon exhaustion and fevers had set in… arraaggghh… I knew I was tired but did not realize how feverish I was until someone complained of the heat in the place… I was freezing cold or rather felt like I was… I turned the heat back down… because It was not going to matter how hot it was in there… I was still going to feel like I was freezing. By the end of the day I was pretty well done in… then wave after wave of emotion swept in as I was trying to drive home… geesh… what a drive that was… the emotion seriously knocked me sideways…

I got home stoked the fire… ran the hairballs out and back in… cleaned up whatever messes they’d made… ate a bit of dinner… sat down in the recliner and programmed in hostages and was immediately asleep… with hostages running in a loop on the tv through the cbs site… I still have not seen the end of the one I was trying to watch… lol… I woke up sometime around midnight… stoked the woodstove again and stumbled on into my bed…

As to what triggered the emotion… geez I don’t know… exhaustion… total fatigue… fevers… frustration… or just life in general… whatever… it triggered… came gushing out like a geyser… beat the snot out of me and dispersed… I kept telling myself to allow myself to feel it… and let it go… as I bawled… sniffled and snotted my way down the road in my pickup truck… it’s a bit like something out of a friggen cartoon… wham bam… let’s explode out of nowhere…

I can just see the wylie coyote walking down the road and wham bam an acme anvil drops on his head… splat… flat… ppphhhhttt…

Well this coyote needs to go out and feed the big dogs before I blast out of here for the day…

Later taters…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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Monday, December 23, 2013

This moment there is peace...



Cinnamon burps… meh… (there is a cinnamon capsule in my morning vitamin regime)

Grattitudes:
No wind this morning
Fire in the wood stove…. Glowing beautiful embers
Peace in my heart…

Good morning peeps… the eastern horizon is just showing light… it is around 5 degrees F in my front yard… surprised me that it was that cold… did not feel that cold… I just ran the mastiffs and Pominators out and back in for their morning potty break… in my night shirt and flip flops… then went out and gave water and food to the kitty trio… looks like I am acclimating right along with the critters…

Sitting down with my morning coffee before I blast off for the day…

This transformation… evolution… over this past year has been … what would be the word… or rather words… as there are some pretty descriptive ones from both ends of the scale that could describe parts of it… whew… the word I was thinking this morning however… is enlightening… there have been friends … that have become family… from around the world… that have been major in my evolution and healing… an ongoing process by the way…

Then there have been those… that seemed to be helpful and supportive… when I was broken and lost… only to become angry and resentful as I gained strength evolving into this new version of me… stronger and healing… one surprised me in his antics … the other no she did not… I had hoped she had evolved as well… but alas it seems it is not so… this person seemed to thrive on the waves of pain and desolation I was emitting… As peace and joy started to settle into my soul in the place of pain and desolation… I heard a litany of “it is too soon… it is too soon… “coming out of her mouth as she became more sullen and angry… actually going so far as to suggest in supposed jest that I help her commit suicide… when I confronted her immediately and asked her if she was serious… she quickly recanted becoming even more surly and spiteful… (her suggestion was that I bring a shotgun and shoot her… I said no)

I am sorry if you were feeding off my pain… and the buffet has been restocked with growing peace and healing rather than the bitter flavor of despair… as life’s path seems to be a twisty turning trail I would imagine there will be days of pain ahead as well… but for today… there is peace… and a growing awareness… as I grow in healing and health… exploring this ever changing venue that is life…

Today… I am enjoying… ah… savoring ….the peace that is within me and around me… tomorrow there may be chaos and pain… but for this moment there is the blessing of peace…

I hear the wild birds chirping and singing… love that sound…

Gotta blast off … out of time…
May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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Sunday, December 22, 2013

today has been a good day... closure... food discoveries...



Hello Peeps…

Lost Girl is playing on Netflix… just found a cockle-bur on my nightshirt… must have been on my sweatshirt I brushed up against it hanging on the back of a chair.

Today has been a remarkably good day… I lit my burn bin this morning… it was a cathartic burn… last night I went through the frig, and cupboards… and cleared out all of David’s and Mom’s meds. It was a purging… a release… before I lit the burn bin I took a newspaper and some sharpies and started writing… on page after page I wrote… after I wrote I lit the burn bin and took each page wadded it up and tossed it in… as I tossed in each page… I chose to release what was written on it… page after page burning to freedom…

After that I cleared some cockle-burs out of the chicken yards… did not get all of them… but part of them are gone… up in smoke with the rest of the burn bin…

Then It was fill the bird feeder… and on to feeding and watering the kennels… hairballs dancing about in the sun smiling Pominator eyes… and then happily chewing as they got their biscuits …

Came back in the house… did Hip Hop Abs… not as energetically as Shaun T was doing it but… I did it just the same… felt good to be making a positive step towards better health.

Ate something for lunch… you know I can not remember what…

Washed a couple loads of laundry… folded towels and put them away… got online and did some research… I am relearning how to eat… I thought I had a decent handle on it… not… I mean seriously nearly 54 years old and relearning how to eat healthily… I am so disgusted at what has happened to our food supply… foods that are supposed to be safe are a toxic mess of chemicals and crud. Yes I am a bit pissed…

I am very glad to be feeling better… but am amazed at how many products have gluten in them… I had already been cutting back on sugar as well… and got really determined to cut out even more… and am totally amazed at how many foods have sugar added… in however many different forms hidden here and there… even in some of the spice rubs… top that off with trying to go organic… and non gmo… and geesh!

Thinking this girl will be doing more gardening come spring time… the thing that really got me… is I keep chickens for fresh healthy eggs… and it dawned on me today… that we had more than likely been eating gmo eggs because of the feed I’d been feeding… good grief. Little bit frustrated… aw well… live and learn another day…

There is so much ill health connected to nutrition… or toxic substances in our food supplies… physical and mental both… 


Mary E. Robbins
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Saturday, December 21, 2013

Cupboard doors and artist canvas



Happy Solstice…

Gratitudes:
Stretched canvas
Acrylics
Water

Today has already been a day… Diesel woke me up at 4 a.m. whining to go outside… I was not a happy camper… but alas as I was awake I started the morning routine… Diesel and Sara first… then Honeybear and Willie… then Peanut, Ensign, Baron, Molly, Bitsy Boo, Tuffie, and Sweater Monkey…

Went on to scrub some more off the floor… the scent of lavender spread across the room… ran hot water in the sink and was scrubbing the cupboard doors… washed handprint off the door jam… washing away dirt… kitchen cooking oils that had wafted into the air… history… memories… emotions…

Dip the dishcloth in the hot water and soap… wring it out and scrub… emotions stuck to the walls… tears pouring out my eyes… pain ripping through my chest… rinse out the rag… watch it swish through the water… wring it out scrub off some more…

Clean off the counter top… wipe it clean … the foreman grill… open the lid… it is clean inside… wipe down the outside… move it across the counter and wipe down where it was sitting… unused for a year…

Was dark when I woke… well dark as it can be with the moon shining bright… the sun started to lighten the eastern horizion… grab that rag and scrub on the lower cabinets… stop… wave after wave of emotion… I wonder am I scrubbing off the kitchen grease and dust that has gathered… or am I chipping away at… scrubbing at layer and layer of emotion… releasing it… in waves of pain… is that pain just pain or is it healing…

A thought flittered across my mind… as I washed off layer after layer… it was as if the earth was slowly reclaiming this place… slowly covering it over… absorbing it back into her own… she does that you know… reclaims her own…

I stopped… made coffee… in David’s percolator… perked coffee was his thing… took a card he gave me off the door of the cupboard and put it in a drawer… took down magnets recipes and notes… scrub… swish to rinse… wring it out… scrub… white cabinets washed clean… well the doors anyway…

Cooked breakfast… fried banana, slice of pepper bacon, and one egg… took my vitamins… drank some coffee… stared at the canvas I started on last night… blue and black winding across the white background… picked up a tube of paint and a painting knife… then another tube… and another… a brush… my hand… is she finished… only for now… but she has a name… chaos…

When will she be finished… that I do not know… when she is… I leaned back and looked… and chaos came to mind… evolving chaos… dipped in pain and growth… as she evolves her name may change… she is not what she started out to be… evolving… growing… changing …

Is she beauty…. Is she pain… is she a mess on canvas… clear your mind… focus… let her out… what is she… she is… a war on canvas… chaos… or is she… she is as she is… as I am…

Hmmmm… seems I got some paint on the couch… aw well….

Scrubbed emotions off the cabinet doors… spilled them out on canvas… I am calm… peaceful now … or a moment…. And it feels good…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Wednesday, December 18, 2013

one day at a time



gratitudes...
beautiful sunrise
coffee
a bed


Good morning peeps… really trying for this to do list...

Although truth be told it feels like afternoon now… I’ve been up since around 3 a.m. … Woke up with a very busy mind and a massive headache… thankfully the headache is gone… mind is still very busy… mind is ratting around something I can do absolutely nothing about… doesn’t that just figure… I got part of a decision on a stretched out process yesterday… now I am waiting to see what the final outcome is… not knowing is tough enough as this is a determination that is rather important to me. I called today to check on things… to see if there is anything else I need to do… or can do… and there is not. I have done all I can… now it is just waiting for the process to complete.

Hanging in limbo… feels like I’m tied to a fish line suspended over the grand canyon… being swung back and forth… ok which side does she land on … or do we just let go of the line and watch her drop… splat to the bottom… no wonder I woke up at 3 a.m.

It is absolutely pointless to fret about this as there is absolutely nothing I can do about it one way or the other. So… take a breath and get on with the day… the ranch rounds still need to be done… cold weather is still coming in tomorrow… wood still needs to be brought in… laundry still needs to be put away… and so on…

Gonna take a quick bath… and get started… or rather going again… have already washed dishes, took the kindling bags outside, cut my hair, made a number of phone calls that needed to be done… more to do later… must take advantage of the temperatures outside today…

It is overcast… and there was an amazing sunrise this morning… truthfully I could probably use a nap as I am seriously winding down… but the soak in the tub will have to do for now… do not want to wait until this afternoon for the outside stuff in case the wind comes up…

Dropped my coffee cup and shattered it this morning… ah the wonders of nerve damage and reduced reflexes…

Taking it day by day… or rather moment by moment… breath by breath… frankly I will be very glad when Christmas is over…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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Sunday, December 15, 2013

Today I was the bug



Today I was the bug....rough day... I knew I was overdoing it... exhaustion... and fever day... I so hate that chilled freezing feeling that overwhelms me when I have a fricken fever... aaarrrggghhh... top it off with eating stupidly and ending up with a vicious gas/gastric attack and you have the sum total of my day... seriously missing my husband... sometimes I wonder if this life is not in actuality hell... in this case one I created myself... ugh... obviously I am not in a very good place today...

Mary E. Robbins
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Friday, December 13, 2013

Use your fear as fuel...



Good Morning Peeps…

Gratitudes:
Moments of quiet
Dolvett
Friends

Did something stupid last night… didn’t think it was necessarily stupid when I did it… but geez it was. I had a white chocolate raspberry scone… how something that tastes so good… can make a person… namely me… so ill is just beyond… ugh… nasty nasty gastric attack all night… still spent and ill this morning…

No there was nothing spoiled with the scone… it was quite tasty… however it seems my digestive system is becoming less and less tolerant of white flours… increasing digestive intolerance… topped off with exhaustion and a huge dose of stress… resulted in a very painful miserable night…

Not a feel sorry for me moment… rather a what can I learn from this moment… seriously need to manage the stress better… or… rather release it…

Use your fear as fuel…. Use the fear as a fuel for change… those demons (challenges) are always going to be with you… how you deal with them is going to make you… ~Dolvett (not exact quote… but what I got from it)

Yes I was listening to “The Biggest Loser” this morning and what Dolvett was saying jumped out and touched me…

Rather than letting fear run your life use it as fuel… motivation for change… gain strength … saying the challenges are always going to be with you is not defeatist… this life is full of challenges… of one kind or another… whether emotional… financial… physical… relationships… work… health… the list goes on and on… it just is…

How we deal with said challenges makes all the difference… this has really been driven home this week… some challenges I have dealt with fairly well… for instance… I drove through ground blizzards to get home this past week… without panic attacks… this is such a victory for me… I was thankful … scratch that… very thankful I was in my truck which is set up for off road… as in I use a step to get up into it… so most of the ground blizzards were below my windshield… I took a pause and watched the swirling snow dancing and drifting across the road in front of me… and was amazed by the swirling beauty of it… there was one not far from my home that just went whoosh… up over the top of the truck… and on up completely encompassing my truck completely obscuring my vision…lost in the swirling whitness wind howling rocking the truck…

In an instant the panic started… then I heard in my head … just take it slow… make sure over drive is off… 4 wheel drive is on … so if you go off the road you have a chance of getting back up on it… and kept crawling forward… then as quickly as it was up over the truck it was gone… the amazing dancing wind playing with the snow… I fully expected there to be a huge snow drift over that patch the next morning… but the wind had other spots in mind… and that stretch of road had no snow at all… it had whipped it all away…

Being able to see the beauty … and being able to actually drive through the darkness… and yes even the daylight on icy snowy roads… is such a victory for me…. I did it… I really did it… yay!

On the flip side… there is another situation that I have not handled well at all. On an up note… at the start of several… yes I lost count… panic attacks… that dizzying off balance mess… I managed to head them off with rescue remedy and trying to just take it a moment at a time. Made for a miserable exhausting stressful day…but I made it through it. Can not say my attitude was a positive one… frankly it sucked… and I tend to project whatever I am feeling… eeessshhh… spilled that crap attitude all over the place… well what is done is done… nothing I can do about it now…

Just going on from here… one moment at a time… still dealing with a very negative situation in which my hands are effectively tied when it comes to changing the situation to a more positive outcome… from what I can see the only thing I can actually do is determine how I am going to allow it to effect me… negatively as in yesterday… or in a positive healthy manner… no I am not saying to deny that it is a negative situation… I am saying to not allow it to effect me negatively… to negatively effect my state of being… or my physical health for that manner…

It is so hard to watch… folks you care about destroy something they care about out of fear… and pride…

It gets exceptionally hairy when they lash out looking for someone… anyone else… to blame for the difficulties they are creating themselves… by their choices…

I could just walk away… and I seriously thought about it… but I’ve given my word… so I will honor that …

Once again time has zoomed on by and I must go… no time to edit… hopefully this makes some coherent sense…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Thursday, December 12, 2013

Fear is a Choice...



Good morning Peeps…

Gratitudes:
Still walking
Another day
The sun is shining

Today I am moving rather slow… I am usually home on Wednesdays and Thursdays… however this week is a different story… and frankly exhaustion is past setting in… it is here full force. Ok… take a breath and make it happen… one moment one step at a time…

There is a lot of… fear… anger… judgment… condemnation… in the place that I have been… may this be replaced with peace… calm… joy… and the appreciation of life…

None of us has control over what is to come… yes we have choice… but it seems that said choice is more along the lines of deciding how to play the cards we are dealt… rather than which cards are dealt… so to speak. Frankly there is no point in living in fear…no matter what is to come… fear is a choice… and in so choosing you are choosing to forfeit your joy in this life… effectively imprisoning yourself in a bar-less prison of your own making.

Just a few thoughts… there are more… but there are also bills that need to be posted… and only so much time this morning… I had planned on posting them in the evenings… actually the last several evenings I’ve been trying to post them … but falling asleep in the chair before having a chance too… soooooo… here goes..

The house hairballs have done their business… and are back inside… Pete and Blue (cockatiels) were just singing… greeting the morning sun… breakfast is done… sautéed zucchini, 1 slice pepper bacon, one egg… no I did not eat any fruit this morning… oh yeah and coffee… seriously is there any doubt…if there is coffee to be had… I am so drinking it… lol…

Will re-bank the fire before I go… right now it is glowing embers… such a beautiful living color… deep oranges … yellows and blues… I have loved watching it dance and glow among the embers ever since I was a small child sitting on the floor in our home watching the embers fall through the grate into the ash pan… red hot glowing … with fire dancing about…

Can you tell… I really do not want to post those bills… ok Mary… quit messing about and get it done… there is my self scold for the morning… seriously though… must get it done…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Silver Wolf



I saw a silver wolf last night
Slipping through the light

I saw a silver wolf last night
Beautiful in its’ might

I saw a silver wolf last night
Just a glimpse in the light

I felt a presence and spun around
And much to my delight
A glimpse of silver beauty
Gliding through the night…

written 
December 11 2013
by
Mary E. Robbins

Where there was grief... peace...



I am back inside… the critters were all glad to see me… including the wild birds… since their feeder was empty… lol… I filled it and by the time I stepped away they were flying in for breakfast… The pair of Muscovy’s were sitting on top of the straw stack… watching as I filled buckets and the feed cart for the dogs… as well as the cat trays… I know a couple of feathered waddling friends that are eating cat food… aw well… the Muscovy hen decided to greet the sun from the top of the feed storage building… I enjoyed watching her fly from the top of the straw stack to the tip top of the building and glide in… watered and fed the chickens and the quackers… and listened to their chatter for a bit…

The Kennel runs now all have feed and fresh water… here is hoping that the weather folks are right and today warms up to 45 or better… that would be grand… be grand if it did it tomorrow as well… make it much easier to clear the ice out of all the buckets and tubs.

Warming up with some strong hot coffee letting the cold seep out of my skin… I do believe my face had a bit of ice… from my breath freezing… the sun is up… I watched it barely light the eastern horizion… then slip up to light the day…

Set a small heater in the bathroom to heat up the old claw foot tub that is in there… love that tub… gonna put some Epsom salts…zeolite… lavender… and eucalyptus oil … along with some very warm water and take a bit of a soak this morning… nothing like lavender and eucalyptus in hot steam… hmmmmm… thinking I’d better set an alarm or I’ll be sleeping in that water…

Need a hair cut too… hmmmm… perhaps before getting in the tub… perhaps not… could go a bit longer…

Sunlight is streaming in through the kitchen window… hasn’t reached the cockatiels cage yet though… they are trying to nap… yes they were up with me at 4 a.m. this morning and chattering along with the tv streaming from the internet last night … who knows how late as I was crashed out sleeping in the chair…

I thought of my husband as I was out and about… stomping through the snow drifts… across the tops of some… stepping along wearing stockyard boots he insisted I get… with the headlamp turned on as it rode along on the front of my cap and hat under the edge of my sweatshirt… headlamp he had surprised me with… sweatshirts we had bought together… wearing some of the warmest gloves/mittens ever … again that he had surprised me with… as I came in and started pealing of layers… first the boots… to see heavy socks that were his… then the vest he wore… and I thought… he is still taking care of me from the other side… my beloved was needed elsewhere… yet he is still with me… and I with him… today I thought these thoughts… and there was peace rather than grief… yes I still miss his physical presence… miss seeing the sparkle of his hazel eyes… shifting from green to brown… to gold… colors all flecked together shining with love… but today… there was peace…

Yes writing of this brings tears… but there is still peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Friday, December 06, 2013

stalled trucks... heatlamps... and block heaters



Happily I am in for the night... since it is now minus 7 degrees... pppphhhhttttt..... once I had the truck started I called the store to see if they had a block heater... they had one left... and they put it behind the counter for me... so I scuttled into town and got it... filled up the second gas tank on the truck... got 8 bags of feed for the fowl (ducks/chickens/wild birds) ... came back home... unloaded the feed... wrapped my face again... and headed out to water the critters... feed whatever needed fed... and give treats... then it was move the truck and put on the block heater...

I popped open the hood thinking I could just stick it on something metallic in there... so not happening... way too many hoses and wires and poly or plastic stuff... ugh... so here we go... under the truck... good thing it is set up for off road and is rather high off the ground... so which thing is the oil pan... hopefully I got it on the right thing... I'll find out in the morning...

I have decided I've had enough of not knowing what is going on with motors... ugh... so did not want to do this... but I am going to learn at least the friggen basics... can't be that hard... they are just moving puzzles...

should stop a massive amount of frustration... like when my mower motors went pppphhhhttttt.... I should have been able to fix that... but no... totally intimidated... grrrrrrrr.... well enough of that... where to start... perhaps a book on the basics of engine repair... find someone who knows and soak up knowledge from them as well... pick some small engines and work them over... got enough dead mowers sitting around... and a dead tiller... it's not like I'm going to hurt them... well maybe... but they aren't working now soooo..... I would love to get that little tiller working well... it's a mantis and I loved it... what fun that would be...

I am thinking a basic understanding of these things will go a long way.... a foundation to build on anyway...

growing ... moving on....

Mary E. Robbins
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time loops... nearing anniversary of David's death...



Good morning peeps…

Gratitudes:
Firewood… seriously… yes firewood
-2 degrees… forecast was -16
Breakfast… thankful to have it as some do not…

It was nearly zero outside at 7:00 a.m. YaY! Who’d a thought I’d be celebrating minus 2 degrees… but that is much warmer than what was forecast for this morning. Weather.com says it is minus 6… so glad for the few degrees warmer it is in my yards.

So very glad the electricity stayed on… have a heater in the well area by the pressure tanks… so still have water. Yay!

The past week plus has been a confusing rollercoaster ride of highs and lows… no it is not the weather I’m writing of this time. As I draw nearer to the anniversary of David’s death… the first anniversary of the death of David’s body…

Seems like it was yesterday… today… seems like forever… seems like it never happened and he is in his recliner watching John Wayne or the military channel… or … oh… here comes the truck… the sound of which the dogs and birds perk up to listen… Time has compressed… stretched out… doubled back on itself… looping and re-looping around.

Driving the truck home in the dark on icy… snow packed… snow drifted… roads with the wind swirling the falling snow around the truck… in a full on … to the point of vision messed up anxiety … panic attack after panic attack… I kept hearing his words in my head… it’s ok… you can do this… slow down… make sure the overdrive is off… put it in 4 wheel drive… ease off the gas… don’t touch the brakes… you can do this… and I did…

Once I got to the edge of the property and picked up the mail… got the truck onto what we laughingly call our driveway… the panic lifted… anxiety seemed to just go away… and we bounced on in over the frozen ruts buried in snow to the house… excited and happy that we had made it … put a log on the hot embers in the wood stove and got the fire going…

All the while the flip side of being so tense was building… everything … and I mean everything is funny then… zip zip zip goes the mind… it’s there… no it’s over here… up there… down here… fly fly fly… faster and faster… until the momentum slows down to a crawl… and nothing is funny or bright… and there is nothing… crash to a grinding halt…

Arctic cold front… subzero temps… go out and do ranch rounds… then I hear the whisper in my mind… you can do this… one step at a time… calm… you can do this… Siberian air mass has come to visit… fear… fear … fear… fear for my animals… fear… to breathe the air… chest constricts… shhhhh…. Quiet… you can do this… stock yard boots… insulated coveralls… dish towel around my face… leave glasses in the house… brown eyes peeking out from under layers… cap… hat… hood… get your hoe… use it to keep balance… head out the door and up the hill…

The sun is shining bright… and it is made of ice… make sure everyone has feed… water… give treats… don’t know how long was outside… just was… until I wasn’t… hours… back to the house… let the house critters out… they are not acclimated… out for a moment and back inside… do not sit down until they are back inside… strip off the layers… hang on to the wall to get the stockyard boots off… slowly climb out of the insulated coveralls… totally soaked under-layers… sweat… body is done… legs quivering like a racehorse that has been run too far… but still standing… strip off wet clothes… find something dry… put another log in the woodstove… coffee… water… coffee… collapse into recliner… feet on side of buffet… crashed… totally exhausted… coffee getting cold sitting on buffet… asleep in the chair…

Wake to cooling house and cold coffee… drink it anyway… put another log in the woodstove… nuke some leftover soup… warm… back into chair… try to read and write… wake again sometime later… put another log on the fire… say goodnight stagger off to bed…

They say whatever does not kill you makes you stronger… hmmmmm…. Which this will be remains to be seen… If I am still here in this life… in this body in the spring… then I suppose I will be stronger… hey I should be a friggen spartin racer by then… or passed out frozen in the yards… either way… it is what it is… then I hear that whisper in my mind… you can do this… it’s not your time yet… when it is it is… in the meantime… you can do this…

I hear wild birds singing in the cold of the morning… celebrating a new day…

Mary E. Robbins
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Monday, December 02, 2013

Something Winged This Way Comes



Good Morning Peeps...
Gratitudes:
verse
spirit
peace

This came skipping through my mind this morning... actually skipping is not the right word ... more like a tidal current wanting out through my fingertips.. what's it about... what's it mean... alas alas... that remains to be seen...


3 headed dragon …
black gold green

Blue winged …
purple violet under skin…
deep blue purplish hue

Something winged this way comes
There be dragons in the wind

Blue flame shining through his eyes

Sailing free
Dancing high
Riding winds
Through the sky

Lavender blue through and through…
Burning true
Lavender blue

Deep blue purplish hue

Something winged this way comes
There be dragons in the wind

Blue winged
Purple violet under skin
Deep blue purplish hue

For those that have ears
Let them hear
For those that have eyes
Let them see
For those that have wings
Let them fly free…


Ah... and now I am off to pour a cup of steaming strong dark coffee.... mmmmmm...


Run true... fly free...
Mary E. Robbins 
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Thursday, November 28, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving 2013... glucosamine... tumeric



Gratitudes:
Beautiful sunny moderately warm (46 degrees F) November day
The aroma of fresh baking
An afternoon filled with good food and friends

Happy Thanksgiving Peeps… actually isn’t that what it’s all about… being thankful for the day. No I don’t mean the massive exercise in excess… as in total gluttony… and the nonsensical nasty infighting that seems to go with holiday get togethers…

Such a waste… the abundance of nastiness and infighting that seems to go with holidays… I mean seriously… what is the point in that?!

Perhaps it is David’s passing… that has really brought it to light… so many years missed with loved ones because of selfish nonsensical nasty attitudes… I remember all too well the pain it inflicted on my dear husband… of course it ran rampant through my bloodlines as well… I mean seriously… holidays were a war zone… it got to the point that I just stopped putting dinners together because I did not want to hear it. Or the nasty sniping over dinners and where they were going to be … all the while refusing to step up and host one … geez… or the manipulative put downs designed to steal away joy… yes I heard it this year as well… did not work out too well for them though… I said… ok… and stepped away and accepted an invite to a friend’s house.

I am sorry… but I am just done with it. Actually that is not true… I am not sorry… not any more… I am just done. Huge… yes HUGE… sigh of relief. Stick a fork in it baby… that turkey has been cooked…

Woke up with a nasty headache… it is still there a bit but much much less than it was… I indulged myself today… hot water… zeolite… Epsom salts… lavender oil… eucalyptus oil… ahhhhhhh…. Wonderful soak that was… aromatic steam wafting up of the surface of the water… makes ya want to have gills so you can just slip down under the water and stay there…

But alas… no gills… and I had some baking to do so… I climbed out of the tub and got on with it…

Whole grain double cornbread… 3 berry walnut whole grain mini muffins made with honey… did not frost them… whipped some butter, cream cheese, and a bit of vanilla together… for a top it yourself side… made some cranberry, orange, pecan, honey, relish to take along too…. Actually made that last night… it is better when it sets… gives that bittersweet more time to blend… wonderful with meats … well I like it with meats… lol… if you don’t like bittersweet you won’t like it… lol…

There is a breeze blowing… I can hear the tinkling of the wind chimes hanging on the corner of the house… stood a bit this morning and watched the birds lined up on the fence… seemingly taking turns at the feeder… there are flocks of birds in the evergreen trees… walk out under the trees and suddenly there is the rush of the sound of many small sets of wings flying over to another tree… there is running water for them here too… have to be a bit careful going into the chicken house… as entry tends to startle the small wild birds out… and they fly out by your head… good reason to wear a hat with a brim… in case one of the little feathered flyers miss-judges the distance…

Quite a bit of the swelling has gone down out of my legs after being home yesterday and elevating them on and off throughout the day… thankfully my glucosamine was delivered last night… I’d ran out and without it the pain level is considerably higher. There is another gratitude: glucosamine.

Had some turmeric capsules in that delivery as well… they say turmeric is good for blood vessels… hardening of the arteries and such… thinking over time I will find out if that is true or not… they also say it is good to reduce anxiety and improve depression… hmmmmm… well… I can say this… no depressive drops… or anxiety spikes today… not debilitating anyway… going to another person’s home has been a huge panic/anxiety trigger ever since David passed. Hmmmmm…. This is a good thing…

I am going to go and relax in the recliner until it is time to head to dinner and conversation…

May your day be filled with joy…


Mary E. Robbins
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Friday, November 22, 2013

Glad to be Home



I am home home home... the Pominators... Mastiffs... and Cat Trio... have all been run outside to do their business and back in... there were still embers in the wood stove when I got home... stuck some more wood in there and got it going... thankful for the little elec heater that took up the slack...

Took it pretty slow coming home... dark and icy... makes for a cautious Mary.... got home with no incidents... other than meeting a semi in an icy curve... ick...

Dinner is a done deal... I was a hungry hound and nuked some sausage/onion/potato/veggie stew for dinner... having some coffee and a 1/2 cup of peanut butter ice cream for dessert...

Making some beef minestrone for the luncheon tomorrow... have that started on the stove.

Filled up the fuel tanks on my truck... yeouch that was a bite in the pocket to be sure. Gotta get the jeep into the shop and see what is up with that check engine light so I can drive her... she gets better mileage... yes my jeep is a she... she is my silver bullet...

Looked out the kitchen window in the subzero cold of this morning and had a treat... a visual treat that is... there were sparrows... magpies... starlings... and blue jays all at the bird feeder... I love watching them... I stood there a bit while I was washing dishes and just enjoyed them...

I am sooooo glad my truck started this morning... it was one of those be thankful for what has gone before moments... if the check engine light had not kicked on I would have not known my battery needed to be replaced and there was no way that old battery would have started my truck this morning...

Even with the emotional roller-coaster of the early morning... over all today has been a good day... made it too and from town with no accidents... have a warm place to sleep... and food to eat...

May you walk in peace...


Mary E. Robbins
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Monday, November 18, 2013

Monday Morning Gratitudes



Gratitudes:
Hot cup of coffee
Friends
Mow Mow Tat

Good morning Peeps…


Mary E. Robbins
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Sunday, November 17, 2013

A bit of verse... and a full day...



A bit of verse came dancing through my mind...
may you enjoy...

This is a night for dragons flight
Sailing across the sky…

Dipping and diving
Dancing through the clouds

Rolling and lolling
In the pure moon light

Iridescent in their glory
Moonlight in their eyes

Open your eyes and see
Wonders such as these


Chickens fed... ducks fed and their water tank washed out... it was too much fun watching them play in the clean water... they get in that low tank and splash and dive their heads down... quacking away... sounded like a duck party... I'm thinking that quacking was duck laughter...

Bedroom windows, bathroom window, and living room windows… done… done… done… I was putting on a second layer of plastic with an air barrier in between the first layer… I was using duct tape… but for some reason it just would not stick… rotten stuff… actually it was a new roll… teach me to buy cheap duct tape… well I did it sort of the old fashioned way instead… I actually I used a base … in this case rolled dog food bags into about a 2 inch strip… and stapled it on.

I had been having a problem with smoke coming through the bedroom windows unless the wind was blowing… not any more… yeah baby… ok so I have colorful borders around my windows… such is life… or should I say it is the repurposing way… hehehehe….

Still need to do the upstairs windows… but that is so not happening tonight…

Got part of the laundry done… compression pants washed and hanging in the bathroom… stripped the bed and washed the sheets… towels in the washer now…

Doing a bit of prep work for the weeks meals… trying to eat more nutritiously … this body does much better on good quality fuel…

Got a cart load of wood in for the wood stove as well… changed out the vac filter…took out ashes… brought the hairballs and mastiffs in… the kitty trio are coming in to sleep at night now too… the girls had caught nasty colds… I have been opening a capsule of Echinacea and dumping it in their water… no more snotty noses and sneezing… yay! I was pretty worried about Curley and Mo… Larry is recovering nicely from his neuter… or so it seems anyway… all three have good appetites again.

Had to go outside and just enjoy that moon… wow… so beautiful… lighting up the sky. Took a bit of amaretto out with me and sat in my chair and just soaked it up… yes that is when that verse came skipping through my mind… I didn’t sit there too long because I could feel myself relaxing… and would have been quite content to drift off to sleep in the moonlight even though it is rather nippy out with the wind blowing… with what I was wearing I probably would have woken up on the other side….

It seems it is not time for that as of yet… so I came back inside… it is truly a beautiful night…

Time to check the oven… the timer is going off…. Veggies already in the frig … have some pork steaks roasting… it’s going to be a porky week… hehehe…

Then going to stick my feet up… as I am truly tired…

Nite peeps… may you rest well…


Mary E. Robbins
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 Gratitudes:
a roof over my head
breakfast... homefries, slice of bacon, 2 eggs and some grapes... oh yeah and coffee...
a day at home

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Choice...



Gratitudes:
Ears to hear
Eyes to see
A fire to warm by


Good morning peeps… a bit of rambling… and a bit of prose/poetry… about choice…

The past few days have been good… bad… interesting… all and not…

Yesterday I ran head on into… what shall I call it… geez… it’s a bit like stepping in a runoff of toxic sludge. No not literally a mudslide of toxic sludge… I am talking about an attitude… a way of thinking… truth be told it is the life path this particular person has chosen.

This person has chosen a path of fear… judgment… paranoia… condemnation… and is insistent that all others walking in this life should walk same said path… or be damned. This person is walking along… (figuratively speaking of course) with a fire hose… spraying all those within reach with a coating of toxic waste… the truly frustrating thing… well frustrating for me… is this person is doing this in the name of one so glorious and giving… saying it is this being’s will… judging and condemning all those that do not immediately conform to this person’s dark and dreary way… all the while proclaiming I am a herald… follow me… I am a herald… I command you to follow me… for I am a herald… you must follow me… you are less than… your path is foul… follow me… I know the way… as he trudges along in the toxic waste of his chosen path… in deliberate ignorance…

Refusing to see… refusing to hear… starving when a banquet is set before him… choices…

Yes I would like to reach out and shake this person and say… drop the scales from your eyes and see… or even pry them off said eyes… and expose them to the light… but it is not up to me… to force him to see… blindness or sight… tis his choice…

I would hand him a goblet of water to drink… or perchance a fine wine to quench his thirst… but said is refused and condemned as being less than… as his spirit shrivels and shrinks for want of drink… so I will leave the goblets setting on the banquet table… they are there filled to overflowing if he chooses to drink…

As for me… I am greeting the morning sun… savoring the light of the moon… giving thanks for eyes to see… ears to hear… a mind to think… a spirit to soar… as I meditate and recharge… from being sprayed with his souls sucking toxic waste…

Initially I reacted in hurt then anger… in response to the ignorant judgment and condemnation directed my way. One of so little experience and knowledge to be so hateful and judgmental… but isn’t that usually the way… hateful creatures… spewing judgment… fear… condemnation … and calling it love… calling it God’s love … no less…

Choice is such a tricky thing… that was a be careful what you ask for moment if there ever was one… seeking the gift of choice…

I can choose to stay in hurt and anger and allow that to fester in to judgment and condemnation… or I can step back and see that his words really have nothing to do with me… they are a reflection of his own toxic path… a path he has chosen… yes I would reach out my hand to help him out of the mire… but it is his choice as to whether he will accept it or reject it and allow himself to see…

I can choose to mire myself in his condemnation and pain… or I can choose to forgive… I can choose to love him anyway and step back and allow him to follow his path … yes his words were deliberate and hurtful… but I have choice as well… and I choose to be free… to actually live… and to be free it is necessary for me to forgive… to love … this does not make his words ok… nor does it make me accepting of them… it actually frees me of their toxic grasp…


This bit of poetry… or prose… however you choose to see it… came spilling out of my fingertips this morn…

For those that have ears…
Let them hear…

For those that have eyes…
Let them see…

For those that have life…
Let them live…

I am sorry that you will not see…
But I will not put out my eyes because you have chosen to be blind…

I am sorry that you will not hear…
But I will not destroy my ears because you have chosen to be deaf…

I am sorry you have chosen to make your life barren…
But I will not refuse the gifts because you have chosen to deny…

I am sorry that you have chosen to starve…
But I will not refuse the banquet because you refuse to eat…

Seeing… hearing…living…
Both blessing and curse…

Peaches have pits…
Roses have thorns…

Would you deny the taste of the peach…
To avoid the hardness of the pit…

Would you ignore the beauty of the rose…
To avoid the sharpness of the thorn…

Would you deny the richness of life…
To avoid the depths of despair…

You have choice…
May you use it well…

*******

Oh yes… and before anyone gets up in the air about it… this is not literal… it is not aimed at the physically blind, nor the physically deaf… nor the physically starving… I mean… seriously… get a grip… no there was not a man walking about town with a fire hose spraying toxic sludge… not literally…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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Sunday, November 10, 2013

back inside from doing ranch rounds



Back inside from doing ranch rounds… Brought in 2 cartloads of firewood… still no eggs from the girls (hens)… either they are not laying or something is eating them. I am thinking they are not laying… the quackers (ducks) are vocal souls… quacking away as they follow me around their yard… cleaned out all the waters and refilled them… feed the critters all around…

Then stopped and just soaked in the night… it is a calm night … absolutely beautiful… and filled with energy… today has been a series of swings from one side of the spectrum to the other… it felt really good to just stand out in the moonlight and recharge… perchance that sounds strange to some… but I know others will understand it…

Having a bit of beef, baked potato, and some romaine for dinner… brought in the Pominators and mastiffs… gave all their evening rations and treats… now they are all quiet in for the night…

Was very glad to be home today… I’ve been really tired… mentally… spiritually… and physically… thinking I may go out and sit in my chair and savor the night… it is so beautiful…

It’s strange… I love the night… as long as I am home and not driving… put me in a car or truck at night and the anxiety/panic attacks go off the friggen charts…

I remember when I was a teenager… going out into the pasture and lying there at night watching the stars… so beautiful… it was quiet out there… no one knew exactly where I was… no one was yelling at me because frankly I was just gone… the coyotes would go running on by yipping… never bothered me either… peace in the night…

During the day… given half a chance… I would disappear out to the cemetery and walk around… it was so quiet and peaceful… if they were looking for me they would never look there… another favorite haunt of mine was under the irrigation canal bridges… well …when the water was not in there that is… I’d sit under the bridge and listen to the cars and trucks go over… all out of sight… hmmmmm… perhaps I was the troll under the bridge…

When I was at university in Tulsa… I used to disappear under the bridges over the Arkansas River… sit there and watch the water go by… and listen to the traffic going over… sitting up under the bridge where no one could see me… it was peaceful… watching the water swirling on by…

Timer on the oven just sounded… dinner time… 


Mary E. Robbins
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Saturday, November 09, 2013

rough go last night



Gratitudes: Hot coffee…breakfast… a warm place to sleep

Good Morning Peeps...tired this morning... rough go getting home last night. Still not doing so grand being out or driving at night... friggen panic attacks/anxiety... triggers me back to the night David died... in any event I did make it home... managed dinner and that was the end of it... exhausted on the couch... zzzzzzzzz....

On an up note... I did make the drive... without running off the road or any accidents along the way... made it without having to pull over too... so there is another victory... yay...

I seriously could have done without the emotional rollercoaster ride. Geez… but that does leave a body exhausted. Bugger it… out of time… gotta go…

Mary E. Robbins
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Friday, November 08, 2013

May you all walk free



Gratitudes:
beautiful sunrise
warm house
good friends...

I read this post from Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd and wanted to write them a thank you note… then I thought … the more people that see this the better… may you all walk free…

The thank you note:

Thanks for posting this… I just came through a situation… correction I am still working my way through a situation… steeped in disrespect and abuse.

This person caught me totally off guard and triggered me back to a time when I was a child and did not have the option of “walking away”…

I caught myself turning back into that terrified child… wanting to coddle and console the abuser because I had done something wrong and needed to be forgiven for the imaginary wrong and take care of their hurt… all the while my heart breaking … crying out… how am I so wrong… how is what I did so terrible…

It is so easy… to fall back into old ingrained patterns… to allow caring and empathy to turn into enabling and codependency… to step into … or fall into that caretaker victim role once again.

Actually easy is not the right word for this… for there is nothing “easy” about it.

The length of time this person put into laying the groundwork for this dominance attack is frankly rather amazing to me… however I am no longer that frightened child… mourning widow yes… but frightened child no… no matter how painful or difficult it may be… I can… will… and have … stepped away from stepped away…

Doesn’t mean that I don’t care… for I do… what it does mean is that abuse is no longer tolerated here…

Give yourself a hug… lift your face to the wind… savor the mornings sunrise… taste the freedom… and walk away…


Post from Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd:

A note to my future life

Dear 'not nice people' of the world

I used to take so much crap from anyone, walked on egg shells around people, who couldn't care less what they did to me, what harm they caused.

I've put up with emotional, verbal abuse, name calling, being blamed for things that were not my issue, being shamed into accepting guilt for things I did not cause, for most of my life, having people walk all over me.

For a long time, I didn't believe I deserved any better.

But, now I do.

Now I know my self worth, I have self respect and know I deserve kindness and I expect the same respect I give to others.

I won't be the doormat to anyone's issues anymore.

I accept and have empathy for people's issues, but I do not need to allow myself to be hurt by them.

I have boundaries, healthy ones and I am using them.

Anyone who does not like my boundaries, that is okay and you can avoid me should you need to.

You have your own boundaries and I accept and respect yours.

This way we can co-exist in this world.

And I will continue helping to support those who have also endured the same.

Yours faithfully

Healing Me

******* 
May we all walk free...

Mary E. Robbins
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Wednesday, November 06, 2013

for all of this and more... gratitude...




Gratitudes:
A rest day at home
Netflix
22 years in a relationship with my husband… who told me he loved me… and that I was beautiful…

22 years of dishes… erratic schedules… laundry… smelly feet (yes both his and mine… lol) … step kids… reunions… bills… calls out at all times of the night and day (railroad) … diabetes… doctors… insulin… vitamins… research… and more research… Pomeranians… big dogs… firewood… wood stoves…ashes… goats… hogs… Holsteins… a Chihuahua (Eleanor who loved drinking my coffee)… ginger the truck… old tractors… 


weeds weeds and more weeds… flowers… tomatoes… hazel eyes… oh those shining hazel eyes… kittens and cats… chickens… Ralph the bullsnake… Muscovy ducks… big red caddy… red jeep… silver jeep (the jeeps were/are our MacGyver mobiles)… illnesses… surgeries… heartache… happiness… Pomeranian clients… our little ranch… shining work boots… that man could seriously polish a boot… prairie dogs… yes even the prairie dogs… garden… friendship… disagreements… agreeing to disagree… companionship… love… 

deliberate hands… I used to love to watch him work with his hands… Folgers coffee… his coffee brand was Folgers… he loved it so I drank it too… I was actually a Maxwell house girl when we met… lol… the military channel… he always laughed when he heard me say pencil… ever since I was a little girl I’ve pronounced it penk-sil for some reason… 

Christmas trees… holiday lights… even when it was too much for us to put them up out here… razor sharp knives… he was a magician with a steel… he could put such a wonderful edge on a knife… old tv… Gun Smoke, Marshall Dillon, Andy Griffith, The Rifleman… Movies… Tombstone… several versions… build it and they will come… Dance With Me… Dances with wolves… for the love of the game… Secretariat… Rooster Cogburn… The Shootist… Dirty Harry… how it’s made… American restoration… pawn stars… American pickers… fishing… parmesan chicken… which he absolutely hated… truth be told that recipe did turn out nasty… 

He used to say “I wanted you for me… you are for me” … he had already given so much… he wanted someone just for him… he came first in my life… and I came first in his… our very first date he showed up with a dozen red roses… and roses were a part of our relationship all the way through… I would try to lose fat… and he would praise me for it… then he would hug me… and snuggle in…rub my belly …say “I love your belly” … then go and buy chocolates… yeah I rubbed his belly too… 

I hated it that he had to stick those insulin needles in his belly… I knew they hurt him… I would have done anything to make it better for him… and I tried to… he was the same way with me… he took care of me after  surgery left me unable to even get out of bed on my own… I went from this strong woman who could pick up and walk off with a railroad tie… to a person that could not lift the coffee pot… or get out of bed without aid… and he was there through it all… 

he fought his way back from a stroke… after losing speech … and nearly his life… we worked through it together… we were a team… we always looked to each other… no matter what we supported each other… even when we disagreed… we supported each other… we hugged each other… we danced together… usually to 50’s & 60’ music around the kitchen and living room… steak and potatoes and he was a happy camper…

We met in 1990… Married October 26th 1991… we were lifers.
We loved and we lived with all life’s twists and turns… we were best friends… even with all the pain and devastation his passing has left in it’s wake… I would not give up a minute of our lives together…

I was thinking the other day I might try to do some of the things we had planned on doing over the coming years. We had put off our travels until retirement…. As we mistakenly thought we had time to do these things together. Was not major things… just going to the museums in Cody WY and seeing old faithful and the devils tower…

We watched the Canadian and US passenger train tour on dvd… talking about perhaps making the trips… We talked about taking a trip to Alaska… it was funny though… we would talk about these things… then he would say… but that is such a long way from home… he loved just being home… especially after having to be gone so much of the time.

He believed in me… and cheered me on in my dream to fly… so perhaps I will study the materials… whether I ever solo in a plane or not.

He would walk out into the yard at night… both of us would… and just stare up at the night sky in awe… happy to be looking at it together… actually that outshone any of the trips and such that we spoke about… just being together was enough… anything else was gravy…

I am doing my best to honor his wishes in taking care of the dogs…. Staying here and keeping them their home until their time in this life is over…

I have lived… I have loved… truth be told … I am tired… I am so very very done…
Someone told me today… that I am a young woman… that’s funny… yes I am a woman in her 50’s… but frankly age is a relative thing… I will be here until I am not… and not a moment longer… if I am called across before my dogs have aged out… my prayer is that they are treated kindly… as long as I am here… and they are her I will care for them… and just in case anyone is confused or wondering… or perhaps just for me to say… as if it not already obvious… or at least I would have thought so… David will always be a part of me… which is why I now carry his rose on my shoulder…

Some of you will understand what I have written… and some of you will not… and that is ok too… each of us has our own journey to walk in this life… for all of this and more... gratitude...


Mary E. Robbins
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Tuesday, November 05, 2013

A Peaceful Heart





Good morning Peeps…
Beautiful fresh snow on the ground… totally calm … as in no wind… not very cold… in the 30’s in my front yard… Pominators & Mastiffs have already been run out… Mastiffs are still out for a bit…

Breakfast is cooked and done… home fries (potatoes) 2 sausage links, 2 eggs, and ½ grapefruit… oh yeah and coffeeeeeee…. Of course coffee…

The talk is playing on tv… gotta love the internet… popped over to CBS.com and clicked on the talk and there she goes… yay… those girls do make me laugh…

Fell asleep right after dinner last night… sitting in the recliner couch… woke up and staggered off to bed…

Actually feel pretty rested this morning… thankfully no obnoxious calls last night… giving thanks for that… yay!

Got the estimates for the work needing to be done on my truck… ugh… but it is what it is…

Washed dishes this morning… been trying to train them to wash themselves… but failing miserably… lol…

Feel much better today… this past week has been a bit of a nightmare (understatement of the week)… swinging back and forth from anxiety, depression, massive panic attacks… to outright rage… when this crap happens… there is no getting around it except to go through it…

I refuse to give into fear… I refuse to give the abusive person that attacked me power over my life… I am thankful that this person’s true face was shown now rather than later.

Deal with your issues and take responsibility for your words and actions… rather than attacking others and blaming them for the mess you made yourself. No one is perfect… at least not in this life… all of us are a work in progress… learning and growing as we go along… it is up to us whether we stagnate and turn into something toxic or move forward bit by bit… sometimes one step forward several steps back… but still growing… as difficult… painful as it may be… we all have… what’s that word… oh yeah… the c word… choice…

May you walk in peace…

Busy full day today…

Would love to stay… but gotta go…

Gratitudes:
Warm bed
Laughs at the Talk
A peaceful heart

Mary E. Robbins
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