Thursday, August 29, 2013

End of August 2013





End of August…Strong dark coffee…Red Tailed Hawks… Golden Sunflowers… small toad sitting on my living room floor… red cherry tomatoes… yellow and red peppers in a pot… blue sky accented with ever changing patterns of clouds… alfalfa fields covered in tiny purple blooms… corn fields tasseled out… fields of grass golden heads bobbing in the breeze… mailbox on a dusty road… storm clouds on the ridge… lightening strikes… rifle shots in the distance…yellow blooms on cucumber vines… weeds stretching and growing in the summer heat… shelter belt deciduous and evergreen in various shades of green … deer walking into the hollow… prairie dogs chirping… black and white cat stretched out on the back of the couch… ducks sheltering in the shade of the tree… ranch cat climbing the fence… chickens scratching in the dirt… bumble bees black and yellow… cattle grazing on hillsides… calves running and playing… horse and foal… pheasants… meadowlarks … jeep honks at the top of the drive… repeat the sound… Pomeranians running… Mastiffs looking around…wagging… Pomeranians lined up at the front gate… barking and wagging… bright eyes smiling… park the jeep… little yellow house in the hollow… home in this life…

Mary E. Robbins
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Wednesday, August 28, 2013

monster panic attack








 monster panic attack yesterday... body exhausted today... emotions flipping back and forth between numb/exhausted... royally pissed... and sad... riding the roller-coaster... where is the hand brake... seriously... geez...



just sayin... peeps dealing with panic attacks... are not looking for attention... are not looking for sympathy... it just is what it is...

Mary E. Robbins
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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

arise... give thanks for the day





Arise… arise and give thanks for the day… and know…

this was running through my head this morning… take it for what you will…

I was blessed with rest this past night. That sounds strange even to me… considering how much I’ve been stuck in a reclining position. But there is a difference… a true rest has been very rare … for a long time… this morning I woke rested before my alarm clock went off… oh and no I did not wake in a night terror or panic attack… believe me when I say… those are very very far from rest being rested… rather the opposite…

Such an amazingly beautiful sky this morning… the air cool and clean with just a hint of moisture to breathe… clouds scattered across the blue… the morning sun shining through… showing patches of gray and startling white bursting into light… sunlight sweeping across the hillside… lighting up the ridges to the south… a new day has come…

I am out to do ranch rounds… and to savor the morning sun…


Mary E. Robbins
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Monday, August 26, 2013

Autumns coming...






I am up… have had breakfast… well most of it… still drinking my first mug of coffee for the day… the rest consisted of wheat toast butter and raw honey.  This is enough for this morning. Dog laundry in the washer… compression pants on… checking in and checking the weather before I head out to do ranch rounds. I know the waters need to be freshened… Watered my few tomato plants already… and my pot of peppers… there are more cherry tomatoes shining red amongst the green of their leaves… my few cucumbers are vining and blooming… here is hoping that they can set on before the frosts take them.

I’ve seen the golden harbingers of autumn shining amongst the green of the cottonwood trees… shining out their announcements… fall is coming… fall is coming… the golden rod is in bloom along the sides of the roads bobbing their golden manes in the late summer breezes… the corn is standing tall… wearing their crowning tassels… proudly… whispering grow grow grow… time is short … grow grow grow… form our treasures hidden in husks before the freezes come… the beginnings of the harvest dance has begun…

Soon… soon enough… the drops of dew from the morning fogs will have changed their character… from soft shining orbs and a fine warm caressing mist… to beautiful crystalline shards… forming in winter’s breath…  

And yet… today… today is starting with a sunny 67 degrees F…. heating up into the upper 90’s possibly into the 100 degree range…  the cucumber vines are whispering … there is time… yes there is time… come bees… come wasps… there is time… come see our yellow blooms… dance and harvest sweet pollen…. Come come come… let us put on our fruits…

The young fox and coyote are growing … putting on coat… preparing for winter… yet still playing in the summer’s sun… careless young ones… dancing through their first season… hard lessons to learn… as one’s body lies decaying in the heat of the sun… killed by a passing human… hard lesson learned in such a young life… glimpses of their beauty will be rare… as they have learned to hide from human sight… ones sad loss is another’s bounty as flies lay their eggs and their children feast as maggots devouring the young coyote’s corpse…

Nature waste’s nothing… a lesson humans seem to have forgotten… images of land fills… and garbage piled high flashes through my mind… along with hard cement walkways … and the lost souls walking them… so many separated from the very earth they depend upon for their survival… their connection so ignored as to be lost to them completely… some can hear… some can feel… but so many are the walking dead… no wonder zombie stories carry such appeal…

My toast is finished… my mug of coffee nearly dry… and time is rapidly slipping by… she laughs as I try to catch her to hold her still … just for a moment… and loops along her way… tis time for me to head out the door to freshen the waters… feed what needs food… gather the gifts eggs the girls have given… and be off…

May you walk in peace this day… 

Mary E. Robbins
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Wednesday, August 21, 2013

I sharpened a knife!








Moving really slow today... gastric attack late last night... not sure what brought it on... stress or the wrong thing for dinner... who knows... always leaves me totally exhausted after an episode though... gonna be home for most of the day today... had planned on working outside... but that is not going to happen...

On an up note... I did something today I haven't done in over 20 years... my favorite butcher knife had lost it's edge... and I was cutting some chicken thighs and legs apart and freezing them... doesn't work to well with a dull knife... good way to cut yourself... anyway I tried this little sharpener David had bought before he passed... that man could put an edge on a knife... wow... he was so good with a steel. Me... seriously pathetic with a steel... but I got an edge on that knife with that little sharpener... my hubs is still taking care of me from the other side... I never would have had that little sharpener if he had not wanted it... sad and happy both... strange feeling... ya know...

Beautiful gray cloudy morning here today… in the 60’s and 70’s for a good bit of the morning… It was so nice to have the fans and air conditioner shut off… I am thankful I have them… but truly enjoy not having to run them… it’s jumped up into the 90’s now….

My favorite season is coming on fast… I love autumn… I am seeing splashes of yellow color in the cottonwood trees… beautiful… not so much to do with autumn… but I saw 4 birds of prey on my way into town yesterday… I am thinking 2 falcon, 1 hawk, and 1 eagle… beautiful creatures… saw a male pheasant on the way back home…

Visited with a good friend on the phone for a bit this morning… she is another widow… 6 years out on her after husband journey… we have been friends for longer than that… was good to hear her voice.

Geez… I am seriously exhausted… gotta find some energy from somewhere…


Mary E. Robbins
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Tuesday, August 20, 2013

do it anyway






Good morning peeps… the sun is shining bright… looks like storms are supposed to roll in by this afternoon… seems it is to be the lightning and thunder show in an afternoon review… the cockatiels are outside enjoying the sunshine… the Pominators are doing their thing in the yards… mastiffs eating breakfast… mow mow tat is stretched out on her pillow under my desk all rolled over on her back with her white belly showing… stretching her arms… one of my absolute favorite sounds in this life … is the sound of a cat purring… yes mow mow tat has a serious purr on her… lol…

Have to be out and about again today for a bit… makes me feel like my head is being shoved under water… ugh… but I’m doing it anyway… take a deep breath… then a step… get in the jeep and make it happen… 


do it anyway.... yes you can...

Mary E. Robbins
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Monday, August 19, 2013

Choosing to give thanks for the day








Good morning peeps… I am making the choice to give thanks for the day… thanks for the water… in that my pump is working… and the water is not toxic…thanks for the roof over my head … thanks for the bed to rest in… thanks for company both four footed and two.. both near and far… may all of us… have calm in our minds and peace in our hearts… may each of us not only exist… but live this day…

I am thankful that yesterday is past. Frankly yesterday was a storm of a day. Not in the glorious watch the majesty of those clouds storm of a day… although we did have a thunderstorm full of wind and rain as well.

The storm I am referring to is the type of storm that can rage within each of us. The night before I had hit a wall. This body was just done and it stopped…. Still alive but no more walking, no more talking, no more being awake… it just stopped… done… whatever was left to be done for the day was left undone…. Unfortunately one of the things left undone for the day was bringing the cockatiels inside… so they spent the night outside… fortunately for them it was only a foggy night not driving rain or wind. Yes they seem ok… terrorized for the night since the Pominators were inside … that means the ranch cats prowl the yard… yes the yard their cage was sitting in…

After this body crashed… it woke around 2:30 A.M. with a searing headache… confused… head totally congested… in the midst of a storm of anxiety… no I did not realize at 2:30 that the birds were still outside… I did not realize that until around 7:00 or so… meanwhile they were sitting in a wet dense fog…

The combination of headache… confusion… anxiety… left me relatively useless for the day. I would try to get things started… and would break out into an exhausted sweat… aaaarrrggghhhh… ok… annoying sweating I can deal with… not being able to get my breath and that pressure and pain in my chest… I can seriously do without. Yes I know it sounds like a heart attack…. It can be … can be… yeah ok… it is … impossible to tell the difference. I am not calling the ambulance or going to the emergency room every time this happens… I would be in there several times a week. This time it was anxiety… or if it was the heart… then it simply was not my time to go. I am very tired today… and my chest aches… but I am breathing… and I can walk… yesterday I was running into things and dropping things… grrrrrr…

Grip seems to be ok today…as I have not dropped my coffee mug this morning… yay! Now you know that would be a crisis…hehehehe…. I did not write this for a feel sorry for me thing… it just is what it is… I wrote it because I know there are others out there going through … shall we say challenges… just breathe… take another step… allow yourself to be…

May your mind be filled with calm… and your heart with peace… no matter what is going on around you… or in the body that your are living in…


Mary E. Robbins
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Saturday, August 17, 2013

Foggy morn...








Good morning peeps… we have a fine heavy fog here this morning… the moisture is dripping off my yard fences… and out of the trees… the Pominators have been out running about in the wet and are back inside ready for some pominator napping… lol…

I love the fog… not a fan of driving in it though… but breathing…ahhhh… wonderful… must go into town this morning… am taking my truck rather than my silver jeep… thinking my blue and silver truck may be a little bit easier to see… need to pick up some chicken feed and it is easier to haul in the truck anyway.

Time is dashing by and it’s going to be a slow drive into town if this fog covers the whole way… who knows… perhaps it does not…

May your minds be filled with peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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Thursday, August 15, 2013

Puff balls... flour...convicted on accusations...








Good morning peeps… it seems we had a bit of a sprinkle last night… just enough to make spatter patterns in the soil… the air is not as smoke filled this morning… this is a good thing.  Not sure where that smoke is coming from… forest or range fires somewhere… since the rains and the cooler weather… there are new grass shoots springing up from the earth.

I so need to mow the big yards and the driveways… can we say “happy weeds”  …. Yes I am glad of the moisture… not so glad to tackle the massive mowing.  Yes I thought of just letting it go… but then it’s harder to pull the water hoses… I can’t see what’s in there… snakes for instance… plus they wrap around my legs and trip me… not to mention…. Itch itch itch… so some how or other… I am going to have to get them mowed down… yup…

Not so exhausted this morning… puffy as a macy’s day balloon… not my legs so much… but my upper body today… I had my legs elevated a good bit of the day yesterday… different kind of swelling... today my hands… and face are where I can really feel it… and see it… ugh…

I seem to get along with whole wheat or whole grain flour, corn meal and such just fine… as long as I keep it moderate… can not say such for white flours. Through out the day yesterday I had 2 small white flour tortillas…  I had more sugar than I had been having over the past few days as well… not an extreme amount.. but more than I have had… so what happens… I bloated and now my face and hands are swollen… just grrrrr…  don’t know for sure that is what triggered this… but it sure looks like the culprit…

convicted on accusations  … 30 days in jail white flour… move it inmate… clang goes the barred door… as flour huffs and sits on the cold concrete floor… 30 days because she is a puff ball… where is the justice in that… 

Pillsbury dough boy speaks up from the cell next door…. I know right… what justice… You know refined sugar is just down the way… not looking so sparkly these days…

Be quiet in there… guard green tea speaks up… keep it down…

I knew you to dance more than one dance with refined sugar… Pillsbury dough boy spouts off…

Things change doughboy… things change…. Guard green tea mutters as he stomps off…

That is the end of my little food drama for today… what can I say it came running through my mind and out my fingertips onto the keyboard… jumping to the internet from my journal… lol…

I smell coffee… so need coffee… yes I am using David’s percolator… ccccooooffffeeeeeee……

Mary E. Robbins
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Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Peeking through the veil...perhaps








Crazy…good…. rough start to today... strange how seeing someone in a dream... or getting a glimpse of them upon waking can be so joyful... then so devastating moments later.... this morning has been a full ride on the emotional roller-coaster…

Yes I saw David in a dream this morning… seems like more than once… sometimes those memories fade really fast…then this morning I saw him upon waking… then he faded from view… he was looking off at something… I do not know what…

I know there are some that see across the veil easily… or so it would seem… as for me… at this point in my journey it’s glimpses and shadows… and in dreams… it can be “interesting” sorting which dreams are simply dreams and which are not…

Sometimes there is sound… sometimes touch… no not hallucinations… there’s a difference…

I say at this point in my journey… because who knows what is yet to come… as for when this started… no it was not when David died… some say it’s a near death experience that opens these pathways… couldn’t tell you… since my first near death experience was when I was very young in this life… when I first started cutting teeth… no I don’t remember… my mother told me of it… or perhaps I was simply born this way…

There have always been glimpses… or presence felt but not seen… or memories of another time… and place so different from this life… sometimes… mind you rarely… glimpses of things not yet past… as time seems to fold back upon itself only to unkink and straighten out again… it’s very strange when that happens… during the glimpse there is no idea of what it is… later when it comes to pass there is that … I’ve been here before… seen this before moment… sometimes there is a knowing… there is no logical reason for it… you just know… talk about putting a kink in your logic stream… ugh…

Before it even starts… no I am not a magic 8 ball… turn it over… give it a shake and get an answer… nor are others that are like me… doesn’t work that way… oh … and no I cannot read your mind… seriously… why would I want to go stomping around in there…

Yes… this is another … be careful what you ask for moment…

Yes I am aware that in the not too distant past they would have burned me at the stake… crispy crittered this body so to speak… out of fear and ignorance… such irony… fearful fools… all you are really doing is setting us free… and giving those corrupt creatures fearful of losing power… even more power over you… case in point… Spanish inquisition…


So much lost to humankind because of fear… knowledge of the healing arts… the gifts of living in unity or harmony with this planet… the communion of the spirit realm… reaching across time and space… 



Some have said they want to know who I am... well this is part of who I am...

Time is flying by… and there are critters to care for… dogs to groom… a meeting to attend to this afternoon… gotta get with it… so I’m off… perhaps more than usually… hehehehe….

Later taters…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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Sunday, August 11, 2013

Cloud light dancing





Hello Peeps… I am moving slowly today… I did take my vitamins… yay! Had some sautĂ©ed cream cheese onions with a bit of roast beef cut up in it for lunch… yum… and a totally un-nutritious … but something I truly enjoy… pop ice for dessert….20 calories of sweet nothing… hehehehe…

The air today is calm and heavy with moisture… it seems we are to have more storms later today… in the meantime I am heading out to pick up Bobby Boy and Midgie as the first 2 to groom/pull coats today… depending on how my back holds up I may do Ted E Bear and Rosco P Coaltrain as well…

I did not take rescue remedy sleep when I went to bed last night and woke up in a panic attack… ugh.. could have done without that. Took some rescue remedy and went back to bed… when I woke up again my mind was calm… no static… no panic… just quiet… blessed quiet… of course I lost several hours I’d planned on using for dog grooming… but with a panic attack they would have been a loss anyway… this way my body got some more sleep… not a bad thing…

I have the front door open and I can hear the song of the cicadas … love that rasping song … the tomatoes are starting to ripen on my plants… I did not plant them until later … so am glad to be seeing the color on their fruits beginning to show… no cucumbers as of yet… here’s hoping for a few before frost…

Truth be told… I would love to curl up in a chair and read the afternoon away… I started reading The Game of Thrones… and have a couple of other books going as well… the other 2 are on my kindle… this one is a hardback book I checked out of the library…

Still thinking of the light dancing through the clouds last night… I’ve never seen it like that before… no pulses… no bright flashes… no jagged cuts across the dark… just subtle white light dancing through the clouds… you know I thought I was imagining it to start with… I came on into the house… and went back outside… to see if it was still going on… it was… but only in that one cloud bank… the others had the pulses… flashes… and jagged cuts of lightening that I’ve seen all my life… I stood and watched the calm light dance through that cloud bank for a while… standing there in awe… wondering just why it was so different…

Ok… heading out to pick up the hairballs and get the hair storm started….

May your day be filled with peace within and joy… 


Mary E. Robbins
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Saturday, August 10, 2013

Zip... Zip... Buzz... baking and buff ducks...








Good morning peeps… busy morning already… got the cockatiels (Pete & Blue) outside, the Pominators, and the Mastiffs… baked come cornbread/onion/jalepeno/sausage/corn mini muffins to take to the luncheon this afternoon along with the sautĂ©ed cream cheese cayenne onions I cooked last night and stuck in the frig.

Took my vitamins… cooked breakfast and ate it… have my morning mug of coffee sitting here while I am logging my food intake and writing you a note. I even washed my breakfast dishes and the cast iron kettles that needed washing… muffin tins will have to cool a bit more before I mess with them.

I took the vitamins yesterday too… and lost almost 3 pounds in swelling… legs are still painful… but then they are always painful… just is what it is… but they are not burning as much… yay!

I realized something yesterday…. Sounds the chimes… set off balloons… Mary had a thought… lol… anyway… I tend to run in cycles… super energetic…can we say a bit manic… get a bunch of stuff started or finished… then crash… and slide into a depression… then come out on the other side of it all on an even keel for a bit…

I really do not care for swallowing pills… frankly I don’t care what they are… I just do not like taking them… ok… so that said… I did not realize I was doing this… and for some reason yesterday it clicked in… wait a minute… when I am zipping about in my “energetic” state… I do not take my vitamins… oh yay…ppphhhttt…. As a result… when I wind down… I really wind down… lacking the omega 3’s the down swing is more intense… more exhaustion… more depression… hadn’t taken the cinnamon and cayenne… resulting in increased swelling and more pain in my legs… of course when I am zipping about I tend to not elevate my legs as much as I should either… also resulting in increased swelling… just gotta love genetics… ppphhhtttt….

Zip zip buzz… zip zip buzz… crash boom… exhaustion… in a black hole… sleep sleep sleep… crawl out… gee what was that all about… even keel and logic for a bit… oh yeah… lets throw in some massive anxiety and panic attacks in the mix… and don’t forget our friend the “rage monster” …. Make a great cartoon character… geez… may as well laugh… there is no point in bawling about it…. 





It is 9:00 a.m. already… and thunderstorms are forecast to come in this afternoon… so I want the ranch rounds done this morning… need to freshen waters, check feeds, refill whatever is lacking… and so on… need to mow the yards and drives as well… don’t think that mowing is getting done today… hoping to pull a couple of dog coats after the luncheon…. Have a hair storm during the thunderstorm… hehehehe…. dog hair dog hair everywhere…

Oh yeah… we are going to have some new family members on Monday…. These family members have 2 feet… and quack… I am not sure how many there are… but the young buff ducks are coming to their new home … I just love the sound of quacking ducks… and how soft they feel… these are buff ducks… I am looking forward to watching them grow to maturity… a friend is giving them to me… along with some rhubarb… thank you Lynn … 





Ok… get up and get out that door and do what you need to do Mary… gotta go… later taters…

May you have a blessed day…


Mary E. Robbins
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Just sayin..... no matter how twisty things can be... it's a pretty amazing actually...

Friday, August 09, 2013

Oh... you had goals for the day... really...








Good morning peeps… wasn’t around much yesterday… on the computer that is… I had a list of goals… did not complete much of it… washed some dishes, baked the lemon loaf… the lemon loaf did not turn out well…too much sugar in that recipe for me...bubbled up and fell... and seriously stuck to the pan... Ah well… hemmed the sleeves on my green striped shirt…. Read a bit… and slept. It seems the body had reached it’s tolerance limit and just said enough… I was exhausted and slept on and off most of the day… did get the Pominators, Cockatiels, and Mastiffs out and back in… fed the kitty trio… Larry Curley and Mo… as well as Mow Mow Tat… it’s a good thing everyone else had feed and water… because I was just done for the day.

So much for grooming dogs yesterday…

On a brighter note… most of the swelling in my legs went down. Yay!

Today is another day… and a busy one at that…
May your day be filled with blessings…


Mary E. Robbins
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Tuesday, August 06, 2013

I smell coffee...







MMMMM…. I smell coffee! It’s a cinnamon toast and coffee kinda morning.  Busy day ahead…

Got part of my goals from yesterday done… washed up my egg buckets… oh yeah… the girls gave me 6 eggs yesterday… I did get the laundry folded and put away… the rest of the goals got left on the back burner simmering for another day…

meeting with grief counselor went well… we actually chatted for a couple hours… then on the way out to her car I picked up Barron …

I check him daily to see if the flies have gone after him again… this little dog has no sores… feces mess of any kind on him… yet they go after him… yesterday the little buggers had laid about a teaspoon of eggs on him… glad I have his coat cut shorter… I sprayed best yet cedar spray on him and cleaned them off him with a flea comb… takes a comb with that fine of teeth to get the little buggers off… the best yet spray kills the fly eggs. I am so thankful to have found that stuff… cidercide.com makes it.  An added plus is that it does not poison me or the dogs.

No there are no fleas… just in case you are wondering… killed those things off with their products years ago…

I checked every dog… no one else had fly eggs on them…  The air has turned to autumn… and the flies seem almost desperate to get their last bit in. Ugh… of course there are cattle around… walking fly motels… so there are flies around.  The think is they are not thick … and there is usually some wind which keeps them at bay as well… Barron must be putting off some kind of scent… that those things are attracted to …one that I cannot smell… because believe me I’ve tried….   

Ah well … I am thankful that I saw them and relieved him of them… this is a good thing.  

This morning has started out missing my beloved husband… but thankful for the love we shared in this life and continue to share even though he has crossed over… and thankful for the day…

May your day be filled with blessings… and your soul and mind with peace… 

Mary E. Robbins


Monday, August 05, 2013

Yep... it's Monday...








Hello Peeps…

Well today started out sunny… now it’s cloudy… I did not get all the way through my list yesterday… I did get the sheets washed, dog laundry washed, and all dried… dog crates with clean bedding in them… as for the rest… I ended up sleeping on top of a throw on the bed last night…

I did not make it to the website I wanted to work on either… aw well… did get some dishes washed. Oh yes and I got most of my compression pants stitched and hemmed. The waist bands on those things never stay together with a straight stretch stitch… so I go over them with a couple rows of zig zag stitches… keeps them together nicely.

Today so far… I’ve gotten a bath, had grapes and yogurt for lunch… dinner is in the oven… making use of some rice and hamburger… as well as some veggies and spices and eggs… mixed up a meatloaf and popped in the oven… did a bit of reading as well… goals: wash the rest of the dishes, bake some lemon loaf, pay bills, make bed, fold laundry and put it away, hem the last pair of compression pants, ranch rounds, appt with grief counselor, pull a dog’s coat… there’s a big maybe on that one… here’s hoping the power stays on tonight… as that is when I intend to pay the bills… ugh… I so hate doing that when things are stretched so bad.

Pominators and Cockatiels are outside while they can be… if it does today what it did yesterday in a couple of hours I’ll be pulling them in…

Yesterday afternoon and into the evening a storm rolled in… lightening must have struck a transformer somewhere because we were without electricity for I’m not sure how long. Power went out right in the middle of a sewing a waist band. Aw well… I have one phone that works without the power… so I called the elect company and told them it was out… then called a neighbor to see if they had power. They were out of power as well… so I knew it wasn’t just something on my place.

Visited with my neighbor on the phone for a while… It was good to catch up. Brushed Ensign’s coat (black pom)… poor baby is losing his hair since he had a bot… rotten bug. He is such a little character… looks like I’ll be knitting and or sewing more dog clothes … He gets this silly look on his face and then just grins showing his front teeth…

Some of the swelling in my legs went down from yesterday… yay! Dropped over a pound from yesterday morning to this morning… oh and yes I have compression pants on… although I did avoid putting them on this morning for a while. Yes my legs are swelled… and hands hurt like a bugger… but for now they are working… so I am using them…

Have an appointment with my grief counselor later this afternoon… she has truly been a blessing through all this….

Gonna finish my mug of coffee, swallow my vitamins and such and head out to do ranch rounds… get part of it done before she gets here. Wonder if the girls (hens) have any eggs for me today…

Oh yeah… happily I picked my first little tomato of the season yesterday.


Mary E. Robbins
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Sunday, August 04, 2013

The Day after a crash and burn...






Good morning peeps… after all that fuss with tornado watches and storm warnings… the only thing that happened here was some wind… a few drops of rain… and an overcast sky. I will say this though… I was relieved when I looked up last night while running the Pominators and Mastiffs out to potty before bed. What did I see up there… beautiful twinkling stars… yay!

The cockatiels are outside enjoying the sunshine and breeze… so are the Pominators and Mastiffs… I am on my second load of dog laundry… gonna fix a bite to eat and have a cup or pot of coffee… and then it’s hem compression pants, do dishes, load some more laundry… human this time…and pull dog coats… then hopefully grab a bath then dig into a website I promised myself I would check out.

I started today off on a much more even keel than yesterday… yesterday… well yesterday knocked me head over heals… wham. I appreciate all the love and support more than I can express…

Today I am giving my self a list of goals to work on…
Wash dog laundry, wash human laundry, wash dishes, hem compression pants, pull dog coats, bath, website …

Was thinking of going to services… but didn’t … found a dead kitten in the front yard… poor little thing came into the yards when the dogs were out there… short life for that little fellow. It was an orange tiger stripe kitty.

Legs are swelled burning, and aching today… but I can still walk on them… so that is something. I’ve not had them elevated enough… ugh…

Ok… gonna go grab a bite to eat and see if I can get the sewing machine to work.

Stomach is growling at me... saying coffee... feed me... coffee... feed me...


Mary E. Robbins
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Emotional Crash and Burn... August 3rd... 2013




Woke up in a full on panic crying coughing panic attack... begging forgiveness for not realizing what was happening when he told me his heart rate had increased ... this was days or weeks before his death... I thought he would be ok... I missed it... I thought he would be ok... I failed him... God Forgive me... David Forgive me... I did not make it better... I tried... I failed... I am so sorry... We thought we were doing things right... he was feeling so much better than he had in a long time... his color was good... he was not in so much pain all the time... then he was just... gone...

thank you dear friends... helped me through a very very difficult day...

Mary E. Robbins
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Friday, August 02, 2013

Ride baby... Ride...



Good Morning Peeps… truthfully this has been the first morning in a couple of weeks… I’ve actually felt it was a “Good Morning” …

That evaluation plus the reunions really put it in my face that David is no longer physically here… I enjoyed looking at the pictures of the family at the reunion… some were posted on facebook… then it hit me that David was not in any of the pictures… and I lost it… my eye faucets start dripping and running even writing this bit.

I had allowed … yeah that’s right I’m taking responsibility for the miserable couple of weeks I’ve just been through… I had allowed the process of going through that last evaluation to trigger a whole spate of negative emotions and situations. They hit me broadside and knocked me completely off kilter.

Sounds more like beating my self up and blaming rather than taking responsibility… Ok… yeah probably… I am rather a bit of a control freak. I have discovered that “controlling” these waves of emotions… of grief fear and pain… is so not happening. Rather than controlling them it’s breathing through them… actually feeling the impact… the raw emotion… there does not seem to be a way to control them… it seems it is a must to experience them and come through it … one way or the other…

It’s almost like a scouring or sandblasting process… exposing different pockets of emotion sealed in there… when it is exposed it blooms out in a rush… exploding across my mental landscape… coloring everything in view… this time around my landscape was colored in the fine hues of rage and pain… not anger… nope… flat out rage… yes there was a good mix of fear… grief… anxiety swirled into the pallet…

On an up note… I am still l here… and I am not having to deal with a massive cleanup from ripping some human limb from limb… although there were about 3… or so … that my hands and fingers were literally itching to rip apart. No I am not going into detail… they had no idea and probably never will…

Another up note… my lap top is still in working order… I caught myself before it was in pieces and got away from it. One of the reasons I have not been writing much.

No I did not groom any dogs through this … what do I call it… round… cycle… whatever… anyway I did not groom either… unlike most humans they can feel… sense … the rage coming off me and it scares them. Makes them nervous and jumpy… well some of them… some try so hard to please… and others sense that rage and look for someone… something … anything to attack… Diesel and Sara have been on full alert… tearing tires apart… stalking around mom (me) … on guard ready to go…

No point in putting the Pominators through a hair pulling session tense and afraid… with an enraged human ripping their hair out… too much of a chance of them getting hurt… best to wait. Especially with the adrenalin surging through my body.

Well that was the rage side of it… kept being spun around from one emotion to another… rage… grief… pain… spin spin spin… the grief and pain side of it had my tearducts working on overflow…. Uncontrollable waterworks… like a crack in the dam broke and the reservoir behind it came gushing out. I sooooooo dislike crying… messes my vision up… eyes swell, sinuses swell… throat swells up like an allergic reaction… ugh… detest it…

That searing pain ripping through your chest is no friggen joyride either. Oh yes and let’s not forget the anxiety/panic attack cocktail swirling through the mix… skin crawling… feels like ants or spiders … racing heart… pressure in chest… and the rest of the crap.

It’s been a ride… something like the raunchiest rodeo bull you can find… jumping twisting…stomping… smash you off on the wall or fence… rolling… goring… beast… get your gloves on… spurs at the ready… grab that rope and ride baby ride… hang on until that buzzer goes off… and then get away from that beast…

The kicker is… that beast… It’s part of you. No point in denying it… denying it just makes it more difficult to deal with yourself when you’ve triggered. Acknowledge it… you still feel all the emotions … however it helps to keep you from hurting those around you.

You know what I mean… and those of you that don’t… be glad that you don’t.

The husband or wife that get put through a wall… the kid with the arm twisted out of socket and broken in 3 places… the friend with the broken neck… suicides… the vicious words out of nowhere… the list goes on and on… you can see it all around you… just look…

For those of you that are wondering… no I did not raise a hand to my husband in rage… ever...nor him to me. When David and I got together we made a pledge to each other that we would never raise a hand in anger or rage to each other. Back in the day David was a bare knuckle fighter… and I was a lifter.

Boxing bags are amazingly useful… you can just let it all out on that bag… might make a mess of it… or your hands… wear gloves… but you can let it out… without casualties…

My boxing bag has been buried in the Quonset… I so need to get that thing out where I can get to it.…

Gotta go… ranch rounds need tended to…hungry critters…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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