anxiety rollercoaster...

Wow… anxiety just went into hyperdrive… I so hate this… such a simple thing … and I have really triggered… yes I grabbed the rescue remedy… hate that feeling like ya are going to hurl all over the place… feel like I am in freefall… ok… breathe… calm… breathe … calm…

Cooking dinner for some friends tomorrow evening… now it looks like there may be one more coming… there is plenty of food… it’s not that… it’s just another person in my house… I have met this person before… and she was actually supposed to be here last week… and did not make it… I just triggered… argh… ok… I am not cancelling… I am going to do this… I don’t care how bad this rollercoaster ride gets… I am doing this… if I step back now… I will be putting a bar back up on a prison window… one I have been working on ripping out of there…

I have been outside most of the day… came in to cook and eat lunch… fixed lambsquarters a bit of chuck… cantaloupe … and some tomato… I loaned my internet to a friend for work this morning… so I have not been online most of the day… I did ranch rounds… planted the flower pots in my front yard… and was pulling the field grass and bind weed out of my irises… I am going to head back out there and try to work some of this off…

Need to pull the meat out of the freezer for tomorrow’s dinner… I miss David so much… my Kaizen drum got here late yesterday afternoon… I played it for a while last night and a bit today… I know he would have loved it… I hope he can hear it…

June is the month David had been taking vacation before he retired… it is also the month my Pops came to visit for several weeks… they are probably hanging out together on the other side… I am trying to make it here… but this afternoon I have sure slammed into a wall of pain … anxiety… panic… and grief…

Wow… ya think you are doing ok… then it’s like walking on a road with switchbacks… you think you have gone quite a ways… then you find you are right back there in the thick of it… gotta love triggers and emotional flashbacks… anyone for skipping through a mine field today… whoo ha…

Wowzers… cycled through that pretty fast… I am hitting the wtf was that all about point now… ppphhhhtttt!!!!!!... and pisssed… gggrrrrrrr…. Yes I am growling… yanking that grass out should give some satisfaction… actually wouldn’t mind beating the stuffing out of the boxing bag… friggen sinuses are totally stuffed now… seriously…

I am going to play with my drum a bit more before doing a video… the first video will be short and freestylin… sometime after that dinner… just going to use the lap top to do it… so nothing fancy… hope the sound picks up… because the tones are wonderful… I am loving this drum… I may write some tunes later… but for now it’s just feelin it…

Still kinda shaky but leveling off… hey who needs a carnival for a rollercoaster ride… saw a deer walking along the railroad tracks yesterday as I was driving the jeep down the gravel road by my place… was beautiful… no I did not have my camera…

Aaccckkk… my nose is totally stuffed up… gonna heat up some water for something hot to drink… yes probably coffee… yeah ok… it’s coffee… 6 big pots in the front yard… 1 scented geranium, 1 pot purple verbena, 1 pot red geranium, 1 pot coleus, 1 pot red geranium, 1 pot dusty miller… put some Johnny jump ups around the geraniums… these big pots are sitting beside the kitty kennel.. so the kitties were reaching out and playing with my hair as I worked… Larry was sitting on top of their house just having a grand time batting the hair on top of my head around… and so was Curly…

My garden is a massive weed bed… eventually I’ll get to it… ah well… anybody want to have a week yankin party… yank that weed… now shake it all about… grab another … stand up and shout…

Yeah ok… I am past it… friggen anxiety attack… guess this is what I mean by writing my way though it…and yes I did stop and play with my drum a bit…

Timer is going off… gonna pour some coffee… this time it is weak coffee… re-used my grind from this morning’s coffee in the French press… nose is opening back up… went and used some of that lung cleanse stuff… seems to help… so it is pour some coffee… have some hot… and go get the meat out of the freezer to thaw… and pull some more grass… then take a break …

Later taters… may peace fill you…

Mary E. Robbins
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asparagus and pickup trucks

Good Morning Peeps… saw a little toad in the grass yesterday...

Busy day yesterday… mowed for a couple more hours… still more to do… want to have the grass cut down around the perimeter of the yards … and along the sides of the drives in… before it dries out… hot vehicle muffler and dry grass is not a good combination…

Got into the truck to move it so I could mow where it was parked…. Wanted to turn it around and take the rolls of snow fence off the back of it as well… and voila… no spark… oh yea! Checked the battery (yes I am getting a little better at this) it seems it has a full charge… no juice to the truck though… the horn would not even honk… yes you guessed it… I headed to my friend’s house in the jeep to ask him some questions… he is coming over to look at it this morning… I think it is the battery cable… at least I hope that is all it is… mechanical adventures on the high plains… argh…

Stopped at the mail box on the way home… and looked at the asparagus field… the mail box is by the field… and what did I see… yes asparagus… no I did not have a bucket… but I did have a plastic bag… walked the field and picked the asparagus… got 9.2 lbs… yes I was spent by the time I got done… so was that plastic bag…

Apple trees… rosa rugosa … blackberries… and Yukon gold potato seed stock showed up yesterday… they were in the jeep when I opened the door… yes I told the mail carrier that was ok to do that… three guesses where I will be most of the day… yup… you got it… garden…

Gotta rocket… friend is showing up at 9 to look at truck… and it is around a quarter to 8 now… and I seriously need a soak… this body is screaming… ouch… would have gotten in the tub last night… but frankly was none too sure I could get out of it… fell asleep in the chair with my feet up on the corner of the buffet trying to watch survivor… with Mow Mow Tat on the back of the chair above my head… note the trying to watch… so did not happen… thinking I needed to sleep more than I needed to watch tv… aw well… I’ll watch it later… my tv comes through the internet anyway… so I’ll just go to the website and give it another go… sometime…

Spoke to Kaizen drums… Jamal said my drum should be here soon… I am so looking forward to getting to know it’s tones…

Breakfast done… yams… eggs… bacon… coffee… honey … nibs…

Gratitudes: the truck did not quit on the road… apple trees showed up… the first harvest of asparagus I’ve been able to actually pick…

You know it was so … is so … cool that I was actually able to pick that asparagus… yes I mean physically and mentally able to do it… so totally cool…. This is the first season in many that I have been able to do that… kicked my butt… but I got it done… here is hoping for some more rains… no hail no tornadoes please… anyway… more rain to make more grow… will have asparagus frozen for the winter… yay!

Later taters…

Mary E. Robbins
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gardens... happiness... thunderstorms

Good Morning Peeps…

Moving kinda slow this morning… worked without the compression pants on yesterday…. They do make a difference… legs got their swell on by last night… I am trying to condition my body to be able to go without those pants… not sure whether I can make this happen or not… but I am going to give it a go… today though… I am wearing them… pain in my legs reduced quite a bit when I put them on…

Chilly morning… funny how dampness in the air makes it seem so much colder… was good for the tomatoes I set out yesterday though… got nearly a quarter inch of rain… the nastiness went around me… no hail or tornadoes here… quite a bit of hail around this area though…

Picked up some more plants for the garden yesterday… some bell peppers… some hot peppers… cabbage… kale… celery… decided to use wooden snow fence as trellis for the tomatoes, raspberries, cucumbers and such… will help to baffle the winds as well.

My friend fixed the DR brush mower for me yesterday… and I mowed a good bit of the central yard… and cut some paths through the upper yard. The grass growth is over knee high in this hollow now… seems a shame to be cutting it rather than grazing it off… maybe next year. Been thinking about a couple of goats or so… haven’t made my mind up yet and not getting in a hurry about it…. Wouldn’t mind making a bit of butter and cheese either for that matter… could raise a calf on one as well… aw well one thing at a time… more than I can handle this season… I’ll just keep working along and sort it out as I go…

Be easier physically to handle more with less fat hanging on my body… and I am working along those lines… building more muscle endurance too… and have the pain and aches to prove it too… but that is just the way it goes… still feels better than sitting around not able to move.

This physical work is good for me… it is beating the daylights out of me but is good for me too… as I was out digging in the dirt stirring in some compost/manure for the tomatoes … I realized something… that heaviness was gone out of my mind and chest… while I was out there digging… I realized that for the first time that I could remember since David died… I actually had a bit of happiness… I was actually happy… not manic… not panic… not grief… not triggered… just a ray of sunshine… that is what it felt like to me… like warm sunshine in my chest… about makes me cry to write about it… how silly is that…

Truthfully I had forgotten how it felt… did not really realize what it was for a bit… so even though I physically feel like I’ve been through a meat grinder… I am heading back out to the garden… and digging some more… oh… there’s a few more leaves on the plum trees… seems so funny calling them trees when at this point they are just little sticks… saw a bit of growth in the strawberry patch as well… not seeing anything with the raspberries or mulberries yet… onions are coming up though…

Heard the rooster pheasant calling this morning… and the wild birds are singing a chorus in the trees… thinking I’ll put my stock yard boots on… and head out… see how the young ducks and geese fared through last night’s rain and thunder… I watched that storm roll on by to the north of me… very dark clouds and lots and lots of lightening… clouds were rolling about themselves… twisting…

Looks like the sun is coming out… time to go dig…

Later taters…

forgot my gratitudes... a bit of happiness... no hail in my yard... hot coffee..

Mary E. Robbins
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thunder... lightening... rain... sleet.... snow... memories...

Wowzers... thunder just shook my house... that lightening strike was really close... rain... sleet... lightening ... thunder...

I did get the end of my goose pen put up... and the wooden snow fence attached to my garden fence for a wind break... lined up old tires along the base of the fence... caught my ankle in some steel crap buried in the field grass... ouch... that hurt...

came in when it started raining... yesterday I took pictures of my tulips… and some of my ducks… today the ground is covered in sleet… argh…

Between picking up the rolls of fencing yesterday… and putting it up today… and carrying around those tires… driving a couple steel posts and fighting with a stock panel… my body is just done today.. ouch… aching everywhere… and so not coordinated… stumbling over things… and my arms are not wanting to function… I am thinking I have had more than a little workout… part of the pain is probably the atmospheric pressure changes… when the thunder and lightening goes away… I am going to crawl into a tub of hot water Epsom salts and zeolite… and try to soak away some pain…

Fire going in the wood stove… taking the damp out of the house… sorted through some bib overalls… the overalls being too big is part of the reason I tripped over that friggen piece of steel… I was already stumbling around tripping on them in the friggen field grass then wham… ankle into steel…

Enough whining about tripping… I am packing up the overalls that are too big for me… enough of this crap… I am packing up David’s shirts too… when I am down to size then I will more than likely use the overalls and shirts to make clothes that actually fit me… I am not horrid with a sewing machine… used to be pretty good… thinking with some practice I will be good again… not going to mess with it as my weight and size are shifting… but after I am down to size and stabilizing… I intend to have some friggen clothes that fit… even if I am tailoring them myself…

I have a bit of a quandary… due to back and abdominal injuries… and venous insufficiency in my legs I have been living in compression pants… yes wearing them under the bib overalls… I am rebuilding my muscle mass… and I am thinking that my body is reaching a tipping point with the compression pants… between benefit and detriment… I am not sure about this… but I am going to start doing at least part of my physical work/workouts… without the compression pants… or perhaps just use the ones that have loosened up rather than wearing the super tight ones… gradually work away from them… the concern is the venous insufficiency… varicose veins… argh… I am hoping that with the increased muscle tone and mass that the muscles themselves will do the job the compression pants have been sort of doing…

Today I am impatient with this process of healing and reconditioning my body… I know there is no point in being impatient… but there are days that is exactly what I am… and today it one of those… I am impatient today with triggers and recovery time… and the storm of emotions that go along with it as well… no point in being impatient with this either… yet that is exactly what I am today… impatient… physically sore…with a good touch of anger… grrrrr…

Actually a good bit of the exhaustion and impatience today … well yes the anger too… is the aftermath of a major trigger event… ppppphhhhhtttttt…. Could have done without it… or perhaps not… I don’t know… it does seem to be a part of my growth process… major trigger… massive chaos… then growth… strengthening…

Frankly yesterday … fill in whatever word you want … part of the reason my arms are so sore is as I was in the middle of yesterday’s turmoil I attacked the heavy boxing bag hanging in my Quonset… I did not pull my punches… and I was only wearing a pair of leather work gloves… then I headed out to get the rolls of wooden snow fence that had been lying in the tree row for quite some time… I was not thinking very clearly… and still had a massive adrenalin rush going on when I was pulling them out of the underbrush they were stuck in… and threw them into the back of the truck… then unloaded them and threw them over a fence… yes I strained some muscles… really pissed off the muscles at the base of that abdominal patch… on an up note… last year at this time I could not have lifted those rolls of fencing…

As sore as I am … it makes me happy to see that fence constructed… I actually followed through with it… that feels so very good…

I do believe I am going to put the kettle on… and have some hot coffee… and perhaps some raw honey and cacao nibs… and put my feet up for a bit…

Seriously?!? Now it is snowing…

May you walk in peace…

 

Mary E. Robbins

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April 27th 2014 sleet and snow

buff ducks April 26 2014

duck and chicken eggs just gathered... the 2 bigger eggs are the duck eggs...

sleet and snow april 27 2014

some of the first leaves of spring... april 26 2014

house pominators... left to right... ensign... bitsy boo... tuff... peanut... molly

muscovy drake...male duck

mustard weed... thought it was beautiful... lacy leaves... april 26 2014

view to the southeast... that is my greenhouse... another project for this summer

garden spot

sunrise

tulips along yard fence april 26 2014

don't know what this is... just pretty

grape hyacinth... love these flowers

tulips budded ... almost ready to bloom

tulip in tire...

my front  porch... sanding and painting project

greenhouse project

bit of the driveway