Saturday, June 07, 2014

Humpf...



Hello Peeps… little irony in that pic… since that is exactly what I am not doing very well today…

The beef mushrooms and onion is in the oven… the desert is made and cooling… all that is left is the asparagus… watermelon… and to grind coffee… but alas it seems some are not coming… and now I wonder if any are… I do not know…

Frankly the way I am feeling today… I would like to get in my jeep and just drive… and keep driving… but then who would take care of my critters… no I am not feeling sorry for myself… grief and pain has knocked me sideways today… perchance it is a cloudy gray morning that has prompted it…

More than likely it is the selfish inconsiderate actions of a person that hurt a friend of mine… what I would not give to spend just a moment with my husband… then to see this person crap all over time that was to be spent with my friend and then see this person working to cause a rift between two friends… trying to rip them apart… as well as trying to get between one friend and his wife… argh… nasty creature is playing them off against each other…

Both friends seem to be blind to the insidious game she is playing… all the while she is crying innocence… may her true face be known by them both before it is too late… and may their eyes be opened and understanding of what actually is … fill their minds and being…

I really do not like false women… suppose I should change that to false people… since I am not fond of false males either… manipulative nasty creatures… too bad we cannot simply shove them into a huge tar pit and let them thrash about on each other until they simply were no more… alas … that does not seem to be an option… it can be difficult to sort them as some are very good at hiding their true intentions… argh…

Made me think of a very old star trek episode where they had this truth machine… it showed whenever a person was false… what a lovely tool to have that would be….

I am so not a fan of this kind of crap…

I could have done without this grieving slam today… truly… I thought I was past a lot of the pain… I suppose I am… but that does not mean there is not more coming… seriously I could do with some Kevlar to block it… ugh… not sure how that would work though… since the pain is coming from inside… life’s little twisted ironies… I have heard time heals all wounds… ha! That is so not true… perhaps in time we learn more of how to integrate the loss… the pain… I know there are actually moments of joy in my life now… not at present… but at times… and that is more than it was… I know David is always with me… but there are times … like right bloody now… that his physical death is simply unbearable…

Hey it looks like a straight road ahead… then no… add sinister laughter here … it’s a switchback… grief slam… wham… watch the human squirm…

Ok Mary… step away from it… much easier said than done… gotta do it somehow or it’s a nasty downward spiral into a morass of pain much worse than today… and today was no bloody picnic.. well maybe it was… a Texas Chainsaw Massacre picnic… rip out her heart she doesn’t need it any more… wwwhhhhaaaaa…. Yes I know I have a twisted sense of humor… it is a coping mechanism…

Kinda makes ya wonder what is going on in Stephen King’s mind… hehehehe…. oh what a mind… what a mind indeed… wonder if Christine is on Netflix… David and I used to watch that movie together… yes he was more than old westerns … gotta bit of twisted horror flix in there too… Such a guy… a kinder heart no one had… a trusting loyal soul… and so much strength… it was so hard to watch the meds steal his physical strength… he could pick up an engine block back in the day…

Those wonderful hazel eyes…shifting colors from green… brown and gold flecks… and gray… and arms that could hug you until the end of days… and then his body died… and that beautiful soul was free of its mortal trap…

It seems I have more to do here… but frankly some days I am pretty friggen useless… I am thankful for the time we had and the love we have… but man this is a bloody nasty ultra-marathon… yes back in the day I ran distance… David was a sprinter… and a football player… and a bare knuckle fighter … and lifter… well … both of us were lifters… he raced cars… I rode horses…

He told me about some of the races they got into… about the sounds of the motors… the speed… I told him about some of the mischief I got into on horseback… we were a good team and put each other first… did not always agree with each other … but had each other’s backs no matter what…

Well at least I am semi functioning… can’t see very well… bawling my face off tends to do that to me… but I am still here… pecking away at a keyboard… listening to the quiet tick of the clock… the sound of a dove calling outside… and some song bird twittering… yes my front door is open… the day is still overcast and gray… like it is waiting… holding it’s breath for something… Mow Mow Tat is asleep on her shelf… the convection oven is doing it’s fan noise…

I am going to go throw some cold water on my face and prep some asparagus for dinner… I may be eating it alone… but it will be tasty just the same… and I have not eaten much today… stomach tends to go foobar when I am upset as well…

Later taters…


Mary E. Robbins
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Friday, June 06, 2014

anxiety rollercoaster...



Wow… anxiety just went into hyperdrive… I so hate this… such a simple thing … and I have really triggered… yes I grabbed the rescue remedy… hate that feeling like ya are going to hurl all over the place… feel like I am in freefall… ok… breathe… calm… breathe … calm…

Cooking dinner for some friends tomorrow evening… now it looks like there may be one more coming… there is plenty of food… it’s not that… it’s just another person in my house… I have met this person before… and she was actually supposed to be here last week… and did not make it… I just triggered… argh… ok… I am not cancelling… I am going to do this… I don’t care how bad this rollercoaster ride gets… I am doing this… if I step back now… I will be putting a bar back up on a prison window… one I have been working on ripping out of there…

I have been outside most of the day… came in to cook and eat lunch… fixed lambsquarters a bit of chuck… cantaloupe … and some tomato… I loaned my internet to a friend for work this morning… so I have not been online most of the day… I did ranch rounds… planted the flower pots in my front yard… and was pulling the field grass and bind weed out of my irises… I am going to head back out there and try to work some of this off…

Need to pull the meat out of the freezer for tomorrow’s dinner… I miss David so much… my Kaizen drum got here late yesterday afternoon… I played it for a while last night and a bit today… I know he would have loved it… I hope he can hear it…

June is the month David had been taking vacation before he retired… it is also the month my Pops came to visit for several weeks… they are probably hanging out together on the other side… I am trying to make it here… but this afternoon I have sure slammed into a wall of pain … anxiety… panic… and grief…

Wow… ya think you are doing ok… then it’s like walking on a road with switchbacks… you think you have gone quite a ways… then you find you are right back there in the thick of it… gotta love triggers and emotional flashbacks… anyone for skipping through a mine field today… whoo ha…

Wowzers… cycled through that pretty fast… I am hitting the wtf was that all about point now… ppphhhhtttt!!!!!!... and pisssed… gggrrrrrrr…. Yes I am growling… yanking that grass out should give some satisfaction… actually wouldn’t mind beating the stuffing out of the boxing bag… friggen sinuses are totally stuffed now… seriously…

I am going to play with my drum a bit more before doing a video… the first video will be short and freestylin… sometime after that dinner… just going to use the lap top to do it… so nothing fancy… hope the sound picks up… because the tones are wonderful… I am loving this drum… I may write some tunes later… but for now it’s just feelin it…

Still kinda shaky but leveling off… hey who needs a carnival for a rollercoaster ride… saw a deer walking along the railroad tracks yesterday as I was driving the jeep down the gravel road by my place… was beautiful… no I did not have my camera…

Aaccckkk… my nose is totally stuffed up… gonna heat up some water for something hot to drink… yes probably coffee… yeah ok… it’s coffee… 6 big pots in the front yard… 1 scented geranium, 1 pot purple verbena, 1 pot red geranium, 1 pot coleus, 1 pot red geranium, 1 pot dusty miller… put some Johnny jump ups around the geraniums… these big pots are sitting beside the kitty kennel.. so the kitties were reaching out and playing with my hair as I worked… Larry was sitting on top of their house just having a grand time batting the hair on top of my head around… and so was Curly…

My garden is a massive weed bed… eventually I’ll get to it… ah well… anybody want to have a week yankin party… yank that weed… now shake it all about… grab another … stand up and shout…

Yeah ok… I am past it… friggen anxiety attack… guess this is what I mean by writing my way though it…and yes I did stop and play with my drum a bit…

Timer is going off… gonna pour some coffee… this time it is weak coffee… re-used my grind from this morning’s coffee in the French press… nose is opening back up… went and used some of that lung cleanse stuff… seems to help… so it is pour some coffee… have some hot… and go get the meat out of the freezer to thaw… and pull some more grass… then take a break …

Later taters… may peace fill you…


Mary E. Robbins
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Tuesday, June 03, 2014

another transition day




Wow… today is another transition day… my energy levels recharged as the thunderstorms rolled by… wonderful… sat out in the yard and had a smoke and watched the clouds for a bit … a smoke offering so to speak… Gaia (the earth) had her groove on today… amazing cloud formations… as the thunder storms rolled by to the north and east of us… snapped some pics… hoping some of the amazing beauty and energy comes through…

I have been working on processing asparagus most of the day… some in quart bags… some longer spears in gallon bags… and some short chops in quart bags… not done yet… I am enjoying the process … actually have some in the cast iron dutch oven with some olive oil and a bit of steak cooking for dinner… I can hear it sizzling as I write… yes I am going to stop writing for a bit and eat my dinner… yum…

Yesterday I was in the asparagus field picking for 2.5 hours… give or take a bit… then decided I wanted to keep as much as possible in the form of longer spears… so I climbed into the jeep and dashed into town for some gallon freezer bags…

An antelope ran across the highway right in front of my jeep on the way into town … I am happy to be able to say the brakes worked well… so no I did not hit it… I was right behind another vehicle… and it ran right between the 2 vehicles… poor thing was so scared it was bug-eyed…

Picked up some flock raiser for the young ducks and geese… beef back ribs and a roast for this coming Saturday’s dinner… some bacon for my breakfasts… garlic powder… coarse ground black pepper… blue corn chips… an orange… some radishes… a cucumber… and dashed back home… checked on the chest freezer to see if it was still running… re positioned it… you know that thing is pretty heavey… yes even empty it is pretty heavy for me to move… scraped up some more mess off the Quonset floor… did ranch rounds… ate dinner… and… crashed on the couch as gunsmoke was playing in the background… crashing was not my intention… but aw well… guess the body was just done…

I was just zzzzzz out for several hours… woke up and brought the hairballs back inside… along with the Muscoveys and mastiffs…

Sat outside a bit with the mastiffs and enjoyed the beauty of the sky… totally amazing… dark grey… dazzling white… rolling shifting in movement… moving fast… total calm… rushing wind… then calm again… and the sun came dazzling back out… I walked around looking at different angles… and directions… then sat down at the yard table and enjoyed the rest of my cigar with my mastiffs… as I was sitting there it dawned on me that the chair I was sitting in… was actually comfortable… as in I fit in it without being pinched… last year at this time that chair would have actually been painful to sit in…

Weight loss update… yesterday morning my weight was down to 244.8 lbs… 69 pounds down and still going…

Later: It is now 10:59 p.m. and I just finished with the asparagus for the day. Took me a while to get through this… I packaged and froze 48.81 lbs of asparagus today… that makes a total of 65.83 lbs frozen altogether… you know what… I am tired.

The transition… I mentioned earlier… or perhaps it is the result of a transition… came about during a conversation with my cousin. She decided to plant a barb in me… used to be these verbal barbs really hurt me… and would trigger me most times… I noticed a well placed barb by another person the other day… that would have sent me reeling in the past… so what is the point… I am actually kinda amazed… and relieved… both barbs had little to no effect… other than to make me say to myself… well that was nasty… jealous much… neither one of them had any real negative effect on me… other than showing me a bit of the negative attitudes they carry… yes I am moderating my speech…

Kinda amazes me… makes me smile too… I am free of that nasty game… and am actually starting to see it in play… interesting… hmmmmm… well they can live any way they choose too… but then they get to deal with the consequences of their choices too… just as the rest of us get to deal with the consequences of our choices… I am making the conscious choice to be free of their nasty negative little games… you know that is kinda cool… yes I am smiling… really friggen tired… but smiling…

Yatta …. Yatta… yatta… that’s all folks… I am putting my feet up… and will more than likely fall asleep in the recliner…
 
Mary E. Robbins

Sunday, June 01, 2014

rockin on a sunday mornin...



Good Morning Peeps…

Ahhhhhh…. That first sip of coffee in the morning… dark… hot… black… with an edge of bitter…. Steaming in the cup… sliding over my lips… swirling around my mouth… caressing my tongue with flavor and sensation… before gliding down my throat…. mmmmmmm…. Yeah….

Heh…heh…heh…. Yeah… well we’ll just leave it at that… listening to digital revolution radio… some wonderful rock riffs… yeah… yes it is on line…

Had some thunder boomers here last night and some more rain… amazing clouds and light show (lightening) … seems some time in the night the power was knocked off and came back on… had to reset the electronics on the cook stove this morning before I could cook breakfast… drizzle a bit of olive oil in the cast iron pot… then pick up that knife… and shhhhk… shhhhkkk…. Shhhkkk…. Thin slices of yam… into the skillet… move them to the side… postion 2 slices of bacon in the middle… then shake… shake … shake… garlic… black pepper… cayenne… double check the burner… and put the lid on… back to the frig… pull out 2 eggs… wait… turn over the yams and bacon… wait… almost done… move them to the side… crack sizzle… crack sizzle… in go the eggs… garlic… black pepper… cayenne… mmmmmm…. Almost there… pull out the yams and bacon… sizzled bubbly edges on the eggs… pull them out… shake shake shake… mineral salt… apple cider vinegar… and ah… breakfast is ready… yum… yes the coffee was already in the French press waiting… steeping…

Mow Mow Tat has her purr on… and we are rockin out on a Sunday mornin…. She is stretched out on the couch … put my hand on her side and feel the vibration of her purrrrrrrrr…..

Yes dinner went well last night… that pecan desert turned out …yum… beef cooked slow all day smothered in portobellos and onion… dipped up some of the au jus and cooked the wild rice in it… asparagus came out of the oven yum… zucchini did not come out the way I thought it would but was yum… and of course those mushrooms… yeah mmmm…. Friend brought a bottle of bubbly… so we had a glass of sparkle as well… pecan desert… pecans, coconut, dates, raw honey, vanilla, coconut oil, eggs… topped with more crushed pecans… baked in a water bath… ok…just yum… with dark black coffee… and finished off with a good cigar… over more coffee… Mickey Hart playing in the background…

Good food… hey… I enjoy watching friends enjoy food I have prepared… good friends… good conversation… a bit of sparkly… good coffee… good smoke… good music… it was a good night…

Yes I enjoy a good cigar… savor the flavor… actually Jucy Lucy is my fav cigar… my Pops and I used to sit out in the yard under the tree and have coffee and a smoke… I can still see those sparkling blue eyes over the smoking cigar… that craggy leathered face… under his leather hat brim… just sharing each other’s company… having some coffee and enjoying a smoke… didn’t have to talk… just being…

We got to know each other after I was an adult… and truly appreciated the time that we did have… folks were split… and Pops was constantly on Mom’s “list” … learned a bit more of why I used to annoy the life out of her after Pops and I got together… we are so much alike it’s scary… too funny… same mannerisms… same twisted sense of humor… Pops just was who he was… take it or leave it… and that’s ok…

There was no shoulda woulda coulda with him… he just accepted what was and went on from there… good bad… doesn’t matter … it just is… next… ya know I think that is a good way to be… beating myself up over shoulda woulda coulda… or over what other’s think I “should” be is a waste of life…Pops had the right idea…

Yeah sometimes it “bites”… moderating my phraseology a bit… fill in with “appropriate words” … but then there’s that sunrise… that cat’s purr… a good smoke… dark black coffee… good conversation… and music music music… ah baby drums … yeah… no drum available… man give me a couple of sticks and hollow log… and lets rock on…

It’s not going to break my heart if there’s some paint to splash about… and some dirt to dig in… either…

Man oh man… I hear that chest freezer calling my name… gotta scrub it out… then head out to the asparagus field and get to picking…

Embrace the pain… let go of the fear… enjoy who you are… there is only one you and you are glorious… feel the music… scrape the “shoulda” off your shoe… breathe deep … and …. Live…

Gratitudes: good food… good friends… good coffee…

Later taters… gotta rocket…


Mary E. Robbins
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