Happy May Day... New beginnings... Baby Ducks & Geese...

Good Morning Peeps…

April is done and gone… May is just beginning… I am choosing to close the door on April and all the turmoil that boiled through it. Stepping forward into this new month… choosing to believe that today is a good day… Happy May Day…

The sun is shining… yay… the wind is not howling… the post office in Torrington gave me a call this morning… yup that’s right… my baby ducks and geese are here… I did get them set up in the whelping house with straw… water food… heat lamps… dipped all their beaks to get them started in the water… pulled some grass for them… snapped a couple of pics… watching them check out their new surroundings made my heart happy… a couple of the baby ducks were floating in their water pan when I came down to the house…

Ground some coffee… cooked breakfast… Gunsmoke playing in the background… hey what can I say… when I was a little girl my mom and I watched it together… after David retired he and I used to watch it together… who knows perhaps they are both in here watching with me…

Watched the Ring last night… it was supposed to be scary… I suppose it was… but it just looked like a hurt angry spirit acting out to me. It is actually a pretty good movie.

After the past few days I was sure glad to see the sun shining this morning. The tulips along the east fence are looking happy… and the yellow ones that were just buds are close to blooming…

I was really hit and miss with Oxycise and tai-cheng in April… my goal is to get it in at least 5 days a week in May. Want to get my garden in this month as well… and get that surround fence up… the porch sanded… and the mowing caught up… need to keep an eye on that asparagus and hopefully get some picked and frozen for the year… … bit more on the May list… photos this first week… photos of me for trainer… scrub out freezers… read… yes there are a couple of books I’ve been trying to read… I can not see to read the print if I have been upset… so staying active… focusing my energy… painting my way through stressers/triggers will help me to get the books read that I want to dive into…

It is not such an issue with the computer or kindle because I can change the text size… however the books I want to read are print on paper… just is what it is…

want to order a few turkeys for the place… and the freezer…. And possibly some guineas… might do some butcher chickens too… and keep a rooster or 2 … I do like the sound of a crowing rooster first thing in the morning

Think I’ll just do straight run (mixture of boys and girls) and let things sort themselves out… I may change my mind… just kinda thinking…

I do know one thing for sure… when I get up and out first thing in the morning I certainly feel better… I was out and about checking the temps in the brooder before I went after the baby ducks and geese… while I was out I fed the big dogs… checked the feed on all the poms… fed the buff ducks and checked the feed for the muscovies… and fed the chickens…

I heard the rooster pheasant calling this morning while I was out and about…

I did not see my hen Muscovy this morning… I am hoping she is ok … just setting on a nest.

Putting todays list together… take vitamins, firewood in… Oxycise/tai-cheng… wash sheets… check on baby birds… drive some posts … plant some onion sets… unless that wind picks up too much… log food intake… order dog and cat food… pay bills… get those shirts into tubs… and fold up the laundry I’ve been staring at… truthfully I would like to just curl up in a hot tub of water… I am a walking ache this morning… hope the Oxycise and tai-cheng loosens me up and gets rid of some pain…

First up… vitamins… and another cup of coffee…

Mary E. Robbins
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Baby Ducks and Geese... first day home...

baby ducks May 2014

baby ducks May 1st 2014

baby ducks May 1st 2014

baby geese May 1st 2014

baby geese May 1st 2014

baby ducks May 1st 2014

Hello Friday...

Good morning peeps… the sun is shining bright… it is a charming 25 frosty degrees F here this morning… supposed to get up to 57 today according to the forecast…

Having my coffee, honey and raw organic cacao nibs… after breakfast had 1 duck egg… yam slices fried and 3 slices of bacon… yum… pretty much my typical breakfast these days… other than the duck egg… it’s been chicken eggs… at any rate my stomach is not roaring any more… after I’ve had my coffee I am going to take my vitamins… then a hot soak in the tub with some zeolite and Epsom salts… yes I am an aching sore woman this morning…

Then it is Oxycise and tai-cheng… then out the door to transfer 2 cats out of the live traps into straw filled crates with feed and water until they go in to be spayed/neutered… and rabies vaccinated… and reset the traps… here’s hoping we are done with this bit by this coming week…

Then it’s clear out the junk/stuff out of my pickup cab… pay bills… fold laundry and put it away… do ranch rounds… take care of the cats that have already been spayed/neutered… keeping them caged up for a bit to heal… and to keep them from being caught in the live traps again… look for duck and chicken eggs… fold laundry… have some errands to run… and possibly place some of these cats as barn cats to another ranch… want to work on my porch exterior walls… tapping in all the nail heads before I start sanding to repaint… seriously do not think I will have time to be bored…lol… oh yeah and if possible work on the surround fence and the garden fence… well alrighty then… seriously need to clean out and organize my office/library as well… and pantry… and Quonset… geez… ok… take a breath… getting overwhelmed accomplishes nothing… beating myself up because it all does not get done in a day … accomplishes nothing but making myself miserable… fed up with miserable… sooooooo…

Breathe… take another deep breath…. Take it one step at a time… make a list… put what needs to be done first near the top… and take it one thing at a time for a specific amount of time… and do what you can… the rest will just have to wait for another day… another list… and that is ok…

I hear a dove calling … beautiful sound… the cockatiels are messing about in their cage… impatiently waiting for the weather to warm up enough for their cage to be set outside during the day… Blue is sitting in the feed dish… Pete is on their main perch… their cage is sitting on top of Mow Mow Tat’s kitty condo… she is asleep on her padded shelf… the Pominators and mastiffs have already been outside for their morning run and back inside… the Kitty Trio (Larry Curly and Mo) are outside in their kitty run… there are purple and yellow crocus blooming… love their bright colors … the tulips are up…not blooming yet…

I did not sleep well last night… I was worried about a cat I had not trapped yet… nor seen for several days… when I went out to check the traps this morning (there are 2 traps) she was in there… such a relief… I thought she had died or been killed by predators… that is always a risk out here… I am hoping that having the females spayed it will stop drawing the feral tom cats in… most of these cats have never been touched before being caught in these traps… no the cat I was worried about has never been handled either… totally wild.

Ok… gotta get moving … frankly I am stiff and sore and feel like sticking my feet up in the recliner and doing absolutely nothing but sleeping and perhaps reading or watching tv… but that is not going to get anything on that list done… nor am I going to get physically stronger… so… here goes…

May you have a blessed day…

Mary E. Robbins
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Personal Peace is a Choice...

Started writing this considerably earlier in the day… weather.com now says it is 7 above… my yard thermometer says considerably warmer… yay…

Good Morning Peeps! Another frosty … strike that… friggen cold… morning on the high plains… weather.com says Torrington is at -11 F right now… and Huntley is at a charming – 7 …. Thinking I am going to go see what my yard thermometer says… the thermometer in my yard says a charming 1 degree F above zero… any way you look at it … it is rather frosty… however the wind is not blowing and the sun is shining bright… the forecast says it’s supposed to get up to 36 degrees F today… hey it’s a heat wave…

Just ran the mastiffs out… gonna bring them back inside in a minute or so… the rest of the hairballs want to go outside to do their business… as soon as they step out there they will be wanting right back inside…

Breakfast is done… coffee, sausage, egg, spaghetti squash… have not taken my vitamins yet but did manage to clip my fingernails and drink 20 ounces of water. Still working on my first cup of coffee for the day… the bird feeder is empty… gonna fill that today… load of dog food came in yesterday… gotta get that unloaded before the snow starts to melt… it is stacked in the back of my truck… on top of snow… wood ring is nearly empty… time to bring in a couple more cartloads of firewood… might bring in 3…

My birthday was good… loved all the happy birthday wishes and cards… lovely… dinner at my friend’s house was good… he can make a seriously good cup of coffee… pork roast cooked to perfection… a medley of cabbage, broccoli, and garlic… with a bit of hot sauce to top the whole thing off… yum…

After dinner there was a documentary he wanted me to see… I had heard about what happened in this place… but had not seen the documentary… frankly I nearly lost my dinner…. This documentary was about prisons the United States ran in Afghanistan and in Iraq … and what happened there… what we did in those prisons was in violation of the Geneva Convention… in violation of Trust… in violation of simple human decency… it was as vicious as the concentration camps in Germany in World War II… it was as vicious as what happened in the slave trades… it was a vicious as what happened in the Roman coliseums … they actually filmed part of what they did… this documentary was not reenactments… it was the real thing… the lives that were destroyed there… not only of the victims… yes I said victims… for most of the people rounded up into those prisons were nothing more than people trying to live their lives… people like you and me… and with the mentality that put this nightmare together… could just as easily be you and me…

It was the same mentality that came into play with the American Indians… round em all up and let God sort them out later… in was the same thing… and just as obscene…

The U.S. soldiers that were there were responsible… but they were also caught in the middle… they were being used as weapons … as interrogators… as torturers… by those giving the orders… layer after layer of orders insulating the ones truly responsible… protecting them from the consequences of their actions… sacrificing those below them in the hierarchy ….

The prisoners and the soldiers both were sacrificed in this situation… no one comes out of this kind of thing as a whole person… those that were beaten… crucified …yes hanging up a person by their hands in cuffs attached to the ceiling is crucifying them… when you suspend someone by their arms or hands… and their legs can no longer support them… either from days of hanging there… or having your legs broken or beaten… your weight drops… you can no longer stand… as you are hanging by your arms… your diaphragm spasms… cramps… contracts… and you suffocate to death… yes that is how Christ died… rather ironic is it not… tortured and crucified…

I saw one U.S. solider in this film rocking back and forth as he was being interviewed… I looked at the expression on his face… in his eyes… at his body language… and I thought… his mind and spirit are broken…

Yet those truly responsible … those that violated everyone’s trust… those hiding behind layers and layers of orders… deny responsibility and have no consequences… as the people there look on us… yes us… because those soldiers represent us… look on us… some in hope… and some in abject terror…. Not knowing whether we came to help them… or to torture and kill them…

Have some idea now why the soldiers coming home are dealing with complex PTSD … their entire sense of self… of who we are… of what we stand for… of what is good and true… of what is real… has been shattered… their trust has been violated…

This was a hard thing for me to watch… it is a hard thing for me to write… but writing it I am… It is write it or stay lost in the pain and agony of it… yes it triggered me as I watched it… no I was not in those prisons… but I have gone through the total violation of trust… been beaten… over what I will never really know… no it was not my husband David…

The agony of what happened went ripping through my chest… bursting out through my sternum… feeling like it was literally ripping me apart… then anger came swirling through… mixing with the agony…. Stirring old memories pulling me deeper into the melee… ripping more wounds… shredding the flesh across my breast bone… and making my heart hurt with every beat… fire running down both arms and across my face… as I tried to process…. Finally screaming out in cries as the raw emotion burst forth in sound… leaving me exhausted and sad…

So I am writing… maybe if more are aware… maybe …

Do not want to be lost in the pain and anger… breath in… I am… breath out… peace… repeat…. Breathe… release it … let it go… my arms are on fire… process this emotion… purge it… allow yourself to heal…

Make a routine… breathe… do oxycise… run the dogs… write… give thanks for the fire in the wood stove… give thanks for a quiet morning… calm… breathe… process the pain… and let it go… heal…

There are so many others… breathe… process… let it go… heal… as you heal you become stronger than you were before… choose life…

I am aware of what people are capable of…

I choose to heal… to live in peace…

May peace fill your heart soul and mind… no matter what situation you are in… for therein is truly a victory…

Mary E. Robbins
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May you all walk free

Gratitudes:
beautiful sunrise
warm house
good friends...

I read this post from Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd and wanted to write them a thank you note… then I thought … the more people that see this the better… may you all walk free…

The thank you note:

Thanks for posting this… I just came through a situation… correction I am still working my way through a situation… steeped in disrespect and abuse.

This person caught me totally off guard and triggered me back to a time when I was a child and did not have the option of “walking away”…

I caught myself turning back into that terrified child… wanting to coddle and console the abuser because I had done something wrong and needed to be forgiven for the imaginary wrong and take care of their hurt… all the while my heart breaking … crying out… how am I so wrong… how is what I did so terrible…

It is so easy… to fall back into old ingrained patterns… to allow caring and empathy to turn into enabling and codependency… to step into … or fall into that caretaker victim role once again.

Actually easy is not the right word for this… for there is nothing “easy” about it.

The length of time this person put into laying the groundwork for this dominance attack is frankly rather amazing to me… however I am no longer that frightened child… mourning widow yes… but frightened child no… no matter how painful or difficult it may be… I can… will… and have … stepped away from stepped away…

Doesn’t mean that I don’t care… for I do… what it does mean is that abuse is no longer tolerated here…

Give yourself a hug… lift your face to the wind… savor the mornings sunrise… taste the freedom… and walk away…


Post from Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd:

A note to my future life

Dear 'not nice people' of the world

I used to take so much crap from anyone, walked on egg shells around people, who couldn't care less what they did to me, what harm they caused.

I've put up with emotional, verbal abuse, name calling, being blamed for things that were not my issue, being shamed into accepting guilt for things I did not cause, for most of my life, having people walk all over me.

For a long time, I didn't believe I deserved any better.

But, now I do.

Now I know my self worth, I have self respect and know I deserve kindness and I expect the same respect I give to others.

I won't be the doormat to anyone's issues anymore.

I accept and have empathy for people's issues, but I do not need to allow myself to be hurt by them.

I have boundaries, healthy ones and I am using them.

Anyone who does not like my boundaries, that is okay and you can avoid me should you need to.

You have your own boundaries and I accept and respect yours.

This way we can co-exist in this world.

And I will continue helping to support those who have also endured the same.

Yours faithfully

Healing Me

******* 
May we all walk free...

Mary E. Robbins
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