beautiful snowy day

It is snowing... 12 degrees F and snowing... I filled my bird feeder yesterday... it is empty again... just had lunch... 1/2 tangelo, 4 ounces chicken, 4 blue corn chips, coffee... lunch did not set too well on my stomach.. thinking that is just anxiety over the cold weather... will be better after I've been outside and am back in with wood brought in... animals taken care of... and so on...

I am kind of amazed that they emptied that bird-feeder in one day... supposed to be warmer tomorrow... the picture is of a purple finch... yes I know it's brown and red... no I did not take the pic...

 couple hours later...

I am back inside... there were huge snowflakes falling while I was outside... absolutely beautiful... thankful the wind was not blowing... it was fun watching the big dogs play in the snow... everyone has fresh feed and water... and of course treats... happy hairballs...

filled the bird feeder... gonna have to get the feed out of the truck cab tomorrow... glad it is 4 wheel drive or I would never get it up that hill... to the chicken yards...

ran the house dogs outside again... got my cart load of wood in... it is setting by the stove on the cart drying out... it was covered in snow... yes I know wet mess on the floor... one of the reasons my floor is simply cement except where I have area rugs over it...

having some shakeology as a snack... watching the fire burn in the wood stove...

today has been a good day... I always seem to do better when I am outside part of the day... it was good to feel the contentment of my animals munching away on their treats ... it can be pretty harsh out here... and I wonder about that sometimes... then I look at the joy in their eyes... and I think... yeah... this is ok... and I watch the tiny birds flitting about and listen to their song... they were singing this afternoon while I was out and about... such a beautiful peaceful sound...

the ducks gave me a bit of a quacking concert too... and of course the hens had to talk a bit and follow me around... the dogs were jumping and barking playing around... until they all got fed watered and their treats... then the whole kennel went silent as they were munching...

Mary E. Robbins
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i am here

I have not had much to say today… other than posting pics… then I read this post from One Fit Widow … the following quote is what they posted… and after is my reaction… dark place… light place… neither… just is…

“I keep finding myself stifled by the company of others and then crippled by loneliness when I leave them. I am terrified and I don't even know of what, because I have lost everything already.” ~Veronica Roth, Allegiant

Thank you for sharing this... it is so confusing... I am totally exhausted strangled by the company of most people...
 
I have found one friend that is actually restorative to me... but most... it is just too hard... then I am lonely alone... and terrified... relearning to live without fear... one moment at a time... 

people ask me ... what would I do if my world as I knew it came to an end... and everything was destroyed or disrupted... I usually just look at them and think... it already was... so none of it matters now... and try to take another breath... 

others say... oh you are doing so well.. you have come so far... and I think... my mask fits well doesn't it... there is some reason I am still here in this life... even-though my grasp on it is tenuous at best... I am tired... and truth be told... still angry over my husband being taken across... 

others say... oh there is something better for you... and I want to reach out and rip their speech capacity out of their throats... yes there is anger there... and that is ok... it is as it is... 

there are moments... moments when I can appreciate the sound of the wild birds singing... actually taste the food or coffee I am drinking... appreciate a hug... 

then there are the predators... wow... seriously... trying to prey on widows... restraint... massive restraint... when I would just like to let go and let my rage dance across them leaving them ... well how they would be left I will leave to the imagination... 

another day... another step... am I healing... I don't know... I think evolving would be a more accurate description... so who is this woman... the one who writes... paints... stares off into space... who is she indeed... this I am discovering moment by moment...

Mary E. Robbins
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and the day is...

Hello Peeps…

We were supposed to have rain and snow last night… did not happen… suits me… the ground is pretty saturated as it is. Sara (bull mastiff) and Diesel woke me up really early… Sara was vomiting… hopefully she will be ok… it seems she swallowed some wood pieces from a piece of log she was chewing on… yes I checked the vomit to see what was in it… as long as she does not have a bowel blockage or perforation she should be ok. Prayers appreciated…

Hung out with them for several hours…with Sara and I piled on the couch and Diesel (cane corso) trying to get on the couch with us… and finally giving up and lying on the rug on the floor beside the couch…

Fixed breakfast… sausage, potato, egg, coffee… then lunch… cold roast beef, raw green pepper, coffee, 2 dates… the sun is shining and the sky is amazing… bright blue with startling white clouds… and the wind is blowing… the wind has a cold bite to it…

I seem to have a piece of tumbleweed wedged in the thumb of my left hand… far enough down into the tissue that I can not get at it… argh… looks like it is going to have to fester out… nasty little bit of ouch…

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt when I receive friend requests… but seriously… scammers… just friggen forget it… so not happening… gotta love that block button… yup… “all I want is your heart” seriously… the next one that lays that on me I am tempted to get a bloody heart from the market and send it to him… hey I am a ranch woman that has butchered when necessary… and have little tolerance for …. Well I will let you fill in that word…

No I did not send the waste of space a bloody heart… I just kicked him to the curb… with that trusty block button… really disgusts me though… they see widow on that relationship status… and seem to think it means come take advantage of me emotionally and financially… as I am prey… guess what… I am not prey… I am that I am… and prey does not come into it… I will leave that at that…

Trying to re-adjust to eating more carbs… to find a healthy balance… it is certainly a learning experience. Watched a few episodes of “Bad Ink” this morning while I was curled up with Sara… they do beautiful ink work at that shop… wow… some of the tats they were covering… geez…

Speaking of ink… the outlines on my arm are healing pretty well… gonna have to call my tat artist and have him finish it up pretty soon… think I may give it a bit more time though… eh… I’ll call him and see what he thinks… as he is the expert…

Does not seem possible that it is already Thursday… but it is… for getting up so early I certainly have a slow start to the day… need to pick up some chicken feed but frankly do not want to drive in the wind if I do not have too… change that… do not want to drive in the wind…ugh… well at least it is not snowing…

I am so looking forward to the first crocus of the season… need to send for my mulberry trees if I am going to plant them… not sure where to put them… wondering just how fast they grow…

Pete and Blue (cockatiels) are celebrating the day… trilling a tune… the way they did with David… I can almost see him standing in front of their cage when they do that… he would stand there and talk to them in the mornings… and they would chatter and trill back to him…

I miss him and I always will… well for as long as I am in this life I will miss his physical presence… I appreciate the memories… the strength of our friendship and love… the truth of it… was a wonderful gift in this life… and frankly it really shows the falseness of the scammers whining manipulative claims… yes I know that sounds negative… but in actuality it is not… it is a positive… my friend… my mate…my husband… is still with me even though he has crossed over… his physical time in this realm at an end…

I shattered when his body died… scattering into a millennia of shards… I am recomposing… the same yet very different… just as welds are stronger… I seem to be coming back together stronger… the patterns of the shards reassembling the same yet different in their intricacy…

A recap of the season of Hannibal is playing … looping through the website’s video… Mow Mow Tat is asleep on one of her kitty shelves… there is a low fire in the woodstove… birds are at the feeder… and the day is….

Mary E. Robbins
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an emotional day

ranch rounds done... 2 eggs today... full feed on the kennel runs.. made sure everyone had feed in their houses... running low on dog biscuits... gonna have to pick some up if my order does not get here quickly... raked in the lower yard some more... the temps were wonderful today... but dropped this afternoon... sky was a dark cloudy gray while I was out working... and the wind started picking up...

supposed to rain then snow tonight... here is hoping we don't end up with iced power lines and downed trees...

had dinner... no not the brown rice... lol... put it in the frig for warm ups... had some cucumber, radishes, grape tomatoes and a couple ounces of cold roast beef...

it has been a rather emotional day... and I am tired... thinking I am going to stick my feet up and either read or watch a movie... probably go to sleep in the recliner...

watched the birds at the feeder while I was doing dishes... I can see them out the kitchen window... as soon as I step outside to try and get a pic they fly off to the evergreens behind the house...

might be back later... but just tired...

Mary E. Robbins
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Yeah… I am moving slow

Yeah… I am moving slow… stayed up too late watching movies last night. It is sunny with a wind today… that wind is coming off ice… she has a bite to her. That or I am just tired today… probably both…

Have a movie on… bed sheets in the washer… laundry piled on the couch waiting to be folded… dishes in the sink waiting to be washed… shelving unit fell off the wall in the bathroom yesterday while I was out visiting a friend. Glad I was not in the tub when it fell… wood shelf landed in the tub… busted glass all over the floor… shelving unit is ok… gonna remount it later. Busted stuff cleaned up off the floor and in the trash. Glass on cement doesn’t fare to well…

Oxycise and Tai-cheng are on the docket for today… have not done them yet… perhaps that is why I am dragging so much… later today want to rake in the yard some more…so here is hoping the wind dies down some more… gonna check and see if the girls (hens) have any cackleberries (eggs) for me later…

movie just ended... I can hear the birds singing outside... sounds so peaceful...

Mary E. Robbins
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50 pounds down and memories

Good Morning Peeps…

More weather weirdness… the temps dropped and the ground froze… and there was a dusting of snow on the ground when I stepped outside this morning… Such weirdness.. it was 60 degrees F here yesterday afternoon…

On an up note that huge dumpster is gone… they got in here while the ground was frozen… and picked it up… before the ground thawed and turned back into soft clay mud… slip sliding away… I am glad that dumpster is gone… it was really hard emotionally to put some of that stuff in there… and I kept wanting to crawl in there and dig it back out… no … letting go is not all that easy for me either… now that part of it is just … done… so …go on from here…

The wind is still blowing but not like it was last night… it is 37 degrees F… supposed to get up to 55 today… the day is started… hairballs and mastiffs already ran outside and back in… coffee ground and made a pot… having a cuppa now… breakfast done… 3 ounces yam, 1 egg, 2 3/8 ounces bacon… was gonna have a ¼ grapefruit… but put it back in the frig for later. Not going as low carb… still staying away from gluten and most processed sugars… keeping it to whole real foods as much as possible…

I did get on the scale… new lowest weight… 263.8 lbs… I am officially 50 pounds down. I keep hearing David saying “I love your belly” and seeing him smile… It wasn’t about my belly… that was him telling me he loved me… packaging did not matter… well he did love to rub my belly… probably because I’m ticklish… and that skin is really soft… but he loved me no matter what… and I him…

When he smiled his hazel eyes just lit up… with flecks of green…. brown… gold… gray… and sparkled with love… I truly miss that man… we were blessed… we got it… that it’s not about what you have… or don’t have… it is about the person… and walking your paths together… yes you each have your own journey… your own path… but when you can walk side by side… sometimes one leaning on the other and vise versa… helping each other along… sharing each other’s company… then you are truly blessed…

Ok… my cuppa’s about empty… and I felt much better yesterday after doing oxycise… so rather than refilling my cuppa coffee… yes of course I will later… I mean seriously… anyway… I am going to post this and do oxycise… later taters….

May you walk in peace...

Mary E. Robbins
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Sunny Sunday in Feb

Hello Peeps… don’t have a lot to say today… still tired… taking it kinda slow. Ate part of my breakfast… sausage, egg, stirfry veggies, coffee… still drinking my first mug of tangy tangerine for the day. Appt for this afternoon cancelled… sitting on the couch with my Bitsy Boo… shopping on line… eeeekkk…

Sent for some more tangy tangerine, olive oil, braggs vinegar, dog food, cat food, and dog biscuits… and a bit of organic chocolate. I so did not want to have to go into town shopping for this stuff…

Intelligence is playing on the tv in the background… no fire burning… front door open… gonna do oxycise and head outside… the yard is somewhat dried out… well not as muddy as it is… and I want to get the dog poop cleared out of it before there is another rain or snow… ick…

Bitsy Boo is so cute… she is actually watching tv…

All the house hairballs … dogs… are outside now.… The sun is trying to come out and shine… time to go be the resident pooper scooper…

after took care of some things inside....

worked in the yard for an hour... taking a few minutes break and grabbing a snack... couldn't stomach lunch... eating 1/4 grapefruit and a couple ounces of pork... and water... thirsty... overall attitude is better for the activity too... geez those mastiffs are poop factories...

went back outside... 

2 hours later… well more than 2 hours because I took a break in the middle… but 2 hours of raking… and I am still not done with this lower yard… it is a large yard… However I did make some headway… no point in getting frustrated over it… just do some each day… and if nothing else I should get stronger and have more endurance… getting frustrated or overwhelmed… which right now would be really easy to do… will accomplish nothing… just do things a bit by bit… what gets done… gets done… what does not does not.

Feels good to have followed through… back inside now and hungry… having a few almonds and some tangy tangerine as a snack… gonna stick my feet up while the washing machine is running... dog laundry...

Mary E. Robbins
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go get muddy

Happy Saturday Peeps!

Rainy… snowy… wet…yup that’s here today… mud mud mud baby… mud… 37 degrees F… so what is on the docket for today… hiding inside curled up in a chair… with a tasty book and hot steaming coffee… sounds good doesn’t it… lol… yeah well…

What is actually on the docket is bringing in several cart loads of soggy firewood… mucking about in my stockyard boots trying to not land on my rotund behind…

Did not do breakfast… did brunch instead… 2 eggs… wild rice with bacon and mushrooms… love soft yolked eggs over wild rice… may be adding too many carbs… but feeling better… a half cup of the rice/bacon/muschrooms … so no I did not go overboard… oh yeah and I had ¼ of a grapefruit… and coffee…

After firewood… head up the hill for ranch rounds… feed… check waters… feed the fowl (chickens/ducks) check for cackleberries (eggs) … grab a cart and throw some old straw into the dog runs to give them a break from the melt… their houses are huge so they can get out of it… but some straw outside would help…

If there is anything left… as in energy in me… I would like to fold laundry… scrub out my frig… and wash down the hall walls… oh yeah… and oxycise and tai-cheng… I seriously need… want… to get back into the oxycise and tai-cheng routines… they make a huge difference… physically and mentally…

Changing my perspective… looking forward to… my new adventure… enough of being weak and afraid… for petes sake… I ran my own business, helped to finish raising a family, worked the rail, dropped ballast, switched rail cars, put together consists, actually got to run the engines … no I was not supposed to be doing that… but it was what it was… and I am glad I got to do it… moved cross country… lived in the cities… lived in the country… survived multiple injuries and surgeries… ran long distance… haven’t made a full marathon yet… but have done 15 k and 10k… backpacked… did the university thing… and the list goes on...

Not crowing or bragging… the point is… enough… enough being broken… yes this is me talking to me… and yes life is an ongoing growth break-it-down healing process… time to embrace it… yes there will probably be more crying and screaming… but there will be sunshine… wind… rain… and the rest as well… need the rain for the pastures to grow… need the sun for the flowers to bloom… either one can be… and are …both blessings and curses…

Tried some dunkin donuts whole coffee beans… ground them this morning and made my coffee… not horrible… like French roast better… but not horrid… later taters… gonna go get muddy…

Mary E. Robbins
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Red Red Roses...

Good morning peeps…

I woke up to sunshine and 2 more inches of snow… surprised me… as it was in the 50’s F here yesterday. Looks like it is going to be another beautiful day today… white… icy… wet… muddy… sunny… and beautiful… lol… Hey I made it up to the chicken house… and yes the girls gave me an egg for Valentine’s day… and the ducks were quacking and playing in the sunshine and snow… anyway… I made it up to the chicken house… and back to my door without doing a seat drop in the melting snow and mud… hehehehe…

Got to feeling more like myself yesterday afternoon… I mean really like me… the woman David met and fell in love with so many years ago. Upset again this morning… but functioning… I know there will be cycles… and triggers that bring sadness rushing in… but yesterday afternoon gave me a glimpse …

Truthfully though I am that person… but I am not … I am 20 plus years older with experience and life … I am in truth stronger than she was at that time… strength is like patience… it is not given… it is developed… one moment one day at a time… I have known love and true friendship… I made a commitment to my husband and I stood by it… and he by me… these are good things… things to be thankful for… things that I will always carry with me…

I am out of coffee and really do not want to go into town…ugh… hmmmmm…. Did have breakfast… egg, potato, sausage, … thinking my body was not thrilled with the potato… ugh… need to bring in a cartload or 2 of wood today… have the bathroom warming… gonna take a bit of a soak and get on with the day...

No it is not all sunshine and sparkles… but I am still here…. And I have chosen to be grateful for the day… truthfully curling up in a chair and reading a good fiction book sounds good to me… I will always cherish… and remember the red red roses David brought me for Valentine’s Day… yes the roses were lovely… but what was truly the gift… was and his love and intention….

Mary E. Robbins
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I Miss My Mom....

Hello Peeps… supposed to be 33 degrees F outside right now… I will really be glad when this snow melts off and the ground dries out… just tired of cold and wet… I am sure the critters are too. Breakfast this morning was an asian veggie mix, ham, an egg, and coffee…

It seems that I have let myself become rather dehydrated… I did not realize that makes it more difficult to breathe as well as making one light headed and weak. Water intake is higher today… nearly 60 ounces so far… no not all at once… I have a 20 ounce mug…

Threw some more boxes in the big dumpster and emptied my 2 big trash cans and some smaller ones into it as well… found a booklet/letter my mom had written me years ago…lying in the snow… it fell out of some fouled papers that were in the Quonset… I am glad it did… I brought it in and dried it out… It was so good to read her words… and see the love and care she had put into making it… there are little cut out sayings and pictures all the way through it… breaks my heart that letters like that got ruined in the Quonset… I did not realize they were in there… I thought they were packed in my spare bedroom… but no… so many keepsakes ruined… destroyed… I miss my mom so much… she died in September 2012. I am kinda confused this morning… but I think it was September 6th… I remember David answered the phone in the wee hours of the morning… like 2 or 3 in the morning and it was the nursing home saying she had died.

I miss having coffee with her in the mornings … I even miss her fussing about how I cooked when she was living with us. I miss watching her feed the birds… and her huge gardens as I was growing up… the cookies she sent me when I was at university… the thanksgiving dinners she cooked… and the pies she baked… we did not have much money but she made the holidays so special… Christmas was really special growing up… she would cut out pictures from the newspapers and sale flyers and make decorations for the wall out of them… and make decorations for the Christmas tree…

Our Christmas wasn’t about greed and how much can you buy… it was about loving each other and appreciating whatever we had. I hate what has happened to the holidays… rather than being about caring for each other… they seem to be about material things… so much as been lost… and they don’t even know it…

I found decorations that mom had made… pictures of birds… crocheted around… I am so glad they were not ruined. She loved roses… I remember the first time David and I bought her roses… she was so happy… she cried… she said they were the first roses anyone had ever given her… after that I always got her roses for her birthday and for holidays… not Easter and Christmas though… Easter was Easter lilies and Christmas was Christmas Cactus or Poinsettias… usually Poinsettias… we both love them… Memorial day when I was a little girl… was bearded iris gathered out of the gardens …

This was before grandma passed… we would take a picnic out to the cemetery and spend most of the day… they would visit and I used to walk all over the place looking at and smelling the flowers… there used to be great lilac hedges there too…

I have an appointment at 1 so I suppose I’d better get moving… need to eat something before I go and clean up… was out in the Quonset sweeping up a bit too… as well as cleaning out my kitty condos… scrubbed one down… need to scrub the other one too… emptied both litter boxes and refilled them…

I gave a bunch of her clothes away… and it was like ripping my heart out and putting it on the truck… I found her wedding album in the Quonset… I did not know it was out there either… it was damaged but I can still see the pictures… she and dad looked so happy… so young…

Mary E. Robbins
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monday...

Good Morning Peeps… Happy Monday… yes it was morning when I started writing this… still a bit of morning left here…

Have a good Monday... you're trading a day of your life for it. Go be awesome!

I saw the above line on a friend’s post this morning… thank you Kim Scott … I was starting the day out pretty down… sad missing my husband… looking out at the years that stretch ahead …that I had thought to spend with him ….thinking what is the point of this. Empty years stretching out ahead without my partner… the house was quiet… like It usually was in the mornings when we were both alive here… I used to go back into the bedroom all quiet… and just stand there and listen to him breathe… I loved to watch him sleep… of course I was checking on him to make sure his sugars had not dropped too low too… I miss being able to see his face… those hazel eyes… with love shining out of them… his hands… he was so deliberate with his hands… and just hugs… leaning into each other sharing love and our beings… blended… when I can let go of the pain of missing his physical presence… I can feel his spirit… surrounding me…

I read the other day… that the price of love is grief… I would have to agree with that statement… we had a great love… an unconditional love… and the grief and injury left as I am still in this realm and he in the next is beyond words… as I work my way through this … steps forward… falling down ravines… switchbacks… and blind alleys… there are days that I cannot see the light… as fear and pain overwhelm all of my senses leaving me swirling in agony… searing emotional pain that has become physical… and takes a physical toll on this body as well…

There are truly days I would like to claw my way out of this body… and move on… free of all the turmoil of this realm… I have felt that peace and I know that it is good… then I look and feel for the release to go… and it is not there… something left to do here… what… what… what… what… aaarrrgggghhhh….

Then I think of forcing the crossing… and the warning signals flash… and flash… and flash… and messages pop up everywhere… signs… words… music… trying to get through… it is not your time yet… trust… I am always with you… fear not I am always with you… let go… let go of the pain and grief… let go… let go of the fear …and allow yourself to live…

This life is a gift not a curse… look around… appreciate the beauty that is there… yes there is ugliness and pain and war and greed and cruelty… let it go… choose life… choose to appreciate the moments… live now… breathe… there is joy… let it in…

There is peace…. In the midst of it all … there is peace… let it in… for what is there to fear but fear itself…

The birds have nearly emptied the feeder again… larger ones… starlings I think… smaller ones… sparrows and finches… I saw a beautiful slate gray creature this morning… so lovely in it’s shades of gray… then bicolor ones hopping around on the snow… picking up seeds that have dropped… they truly amaze me… so small and surviving the cold…

Yes it is still cold… but the sun is shining… was 5 degrees F on my yard thermometer when I let the mastiffs out this morning… weather.com says it is 13 degrees F now… warming up to the mid 30’s this afternoon… warmer tomorrow…yay…

Dropped a bit more weight… down to 265.4 lbs today. This is kinda amazing me… it is just falling off… I am now 48.4 lbs down… Had breakfast… egg, sausage, spaghetti squash, coffee… took my vitamins… working on a cup of coffee and some tangy tangerine… trying to keep the fluid intake up… no I am not counting my coffee in the fluid intake… had a bit of raw honey this morning too… but then I do most mornings… about a teaspoon to tablespoon of raw honey a day… if I am really crashing in the evenings and just do not want to eat any more I will have a bit then too…

Washed the dishes already this morning… no I do not have a dishwasher… well other than my hands… lol… brought one load of wood in yesterday… want at least another cart in today… if not 2 more… pay bills… make some phone calls… oxycise… thinking I will do that as soon as I post this… as I seem to have an aversion to following through with it. I know I breath better when I do it… really does make a difference…

The mastiffs are stomping around… telling me they need another run outside… and I can see from the lack of flickering in the glass on the front of the wood stove that I need to add some more wood to the hungry little bugger…

Have a good Monday... you're trading a day of your life for it. Go be awesome! Trying to make this a reality… reeling back the vision to one day… sometimes just one moment at a time…. Wish it was as easy to do as it is to write…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Personal Peace is a Choice...

Started writing this considerably earlier in the day… weather.com now says it is 7 above… my yard thermometer says considerably warmer… yay…

Good Morning Peeps! Another frosty … strike that… friggen cold… morning on the high plains… weather.com says Torrington is at -11 F right now… and Huntley is at a charming – 7 …. Thinking I am going to go see what my yard thermometer says… the thermometer in my yard says a charming 1 degree F above zero… any way you look at it … it is rather frosty… however the wind is not blowing and the sun is shining bright… the forecast says it’s supposed to get up to 36 degrees F today… hey it’s a heat wave…

Just ran the mastiffs out… gonna bring them back inside in a minute or so… the rest of the hairballs want to go outside to do their business… as soon as they step out there they will be wanting right back inside…

Breakfast is done… coffee, sausage, egg, spaghetti squash… have not taken my vitamins yet but did manage to clip my fingernails and drink 20 ounces of water. Still working on my first cup of coffee for the day… the bird feeder is empty… gonna fill that today… load of dog food came in yesterday… gotta get that unloaded before the snow starts to melt… it is stacked in the back of my truck… on top of snow… wood ring is nearly empty… time to bring in a couple more cartloads of firewood… might bring in 3…

My birthday was good… loved all the happy birthday wishes and cards… lovely… dinner at my friend’s house was good… he can make a seriously good cup of coffee… pork roast cooked to perfection… a medley of cabbage, broccoli, and garlic… with a bit of hot sauce to top the whole thing off… yum…

After dinner there was a documentary he wanted me to see… I had heard about what happened in this place… but had not seen the documentary… frankly I nearly lost my dinner…. This documentary was about prisons the United States ran in Afghanistan and in Iraq … and what happened there… what we did in those prisons was in violation of the Geneva Convention… in violation of Trust… in violation of simple human decency… it was as vicious as the concentration camps in Germany in World War II… it was as vicious as what happened in the slave trades… it was a vicious as what happened in the Roman coliseums … they actually filmed part of what they did… this documentary was not reenactments… it was the real thing… the lives that were destroyed there… not only of the victims… yes I said victims… for most of the people rounded up into those prisons were nothing more than people trying to live their lives… people like you and me… and with the mentality that put this nightmare together… could just as easily be you and me…

It was the same mentality that came into play with the American Indians… round em all up and let God sort them out later… in was the same thing… and just as obscene…

The U.S. soldiers that were there were responsible… but they were also caught in the middle… they were being used as weapons … as interrogators… as torturers… by those giving the orders… layer after layer of orders insulating the ones truly responsible… protecting them from the consequences of their actions… sacrificing those below them in the hierarchy ….

The prisoners and the soldiers both were sacrificed in this situation… no one comes out of this kind of thing as a whole person… those that were beaten… crucified …yes hanging up a person by their hands in cuffs attached to the ceiling is crucifying them… when you suspend someone by their arms or hands… and their legs can no longer support them… either from days of hanging there… or having your legs broken or beaten… your weight drops… you can no longer stand… as you are hanging by your arms… your diaphragm spasms… cramps… contracts… and you suffocate to death… yes that is how Christ died… rather ironic is it not… tortured and crucified…

I saw one U.S. solider in this film rocking back and forth as he was being interviewed… I looked at the expression on his face… in his eyes… at his body language… and I thought… his mind and spirit are broken…

Yet those truly responsible … those that violated everyone’s trust… those hiding behind layers and layers of orders… deny responsibility and have no consequences… as the people there look on us… yes us… because those soldiers represent us… look on us… some in hope… and some in abject terror…. Not knowing whether we came to help them… or to torture and kill them…

Have some idea now why the soldiers coming home are dealing with complex PTSD … their entire sense of self… of who we are… of what we stand for… of what is good and true… of what is real… has been shattered… their trust has been violated…

This was a hard thing for me to watch… it is a hard thing for me to write… but writing it I am… It is write it or stay lost in the pain and agony of it… yes it triggered me as I watched it… no I was not in those prisons… but I have gone through the total violation of trust… been beaten… over what I will never really know… no it was not my husband David…

The agony of what happened went ripping through my chest… bursting out through my sternum… feeling like it was literally ripping me apart… then anger came swirling through… mixing with the agony…. Stirring old memories pulling me deeper into the melee… ripping more wounds… shredding the flesh across my breast bone… and making my heart hurt with every beat… fire running down both arms and across my face… as I tried to process…. Finally screaming out in cries as the raw emotion burst forth in sound… leaving me exhausted and sad…

So I am writing… maybe if more are aware… maybe …

Do not want to be lost in the pain and anger… breath in… I am… breath out… peace… repeat…. Breathe… release it … let it go… my arms are on fire… process this emotion… purge it… allow yourself to heal…

Make a routine… breathe… do oxycise… run the dogs… write… give thanks for the fire in the wood stove… give thanks for a quiet morning… calm… breathe… process the pain… and let it go… heal…

There are so many others… breathe… process… let it go… heal… as you heal you become stronger than you were before… choose life…

I am aware of what people are capable of…

I choose to heal… to live in peace…

May peace fill your heart soul and mind… no matter what situation you are in… for therein is truly a victory…

Mary E. Robbins
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OK... Just Brrrrr...

Good Morning Peeps… frosty morning indeed… but the sun is shining… weather.com still says – 11 degrees F…. I just checked my thermometers outside… one says nearly 20 above … now that one is in the sun… however the other one is in the shade… and says around 15 above … yes above zero… frankly I am thankful…

Mastiffs and Pominators have been run out and back in… the Pominators did not get to go out for their late run last night… as it was below zero… so they were more than ready to get out the door this morning…

It is startlingly beautiful outside… bright sun… cold air… with fine crystals floating through the air… I would say it was snowing… but there are no clouds… just fine crystals of beauty shimmering through the air… I could feel them on my face as I was walking up the hill… can’t really see them looking straight forward… but if I look to the side… I can see them…

There is so much about this planet that is absolutely amazing…

I am thankful for today… and glad last night is over… when it drops below zero I get very concerned about the animals… and about the water system. (yeah ok... I started to totally freak out...then managed to calm down)  Frankly do not want a repeat of last year… frozen burst mess with contaminated water… and a huge bill.

Gave the muscoveys some water… the hen flew into the main yard and Sara went after her… I saw Sara (bull mastiff) after something and told her to release it… and she did… then put Sara and Diesel back into the house. I picked up the duck and took her back up the hill and set her down beside her drake… she went in her house… if there are injuries they are internal… here is hoping that she survives her flight into the danger zone…

Going to do oxycise and tai-cheng then head out to do ranch rounds… give everyone some water and check feed pans… the wind is not blowing now and would like to get things done before it comes up … usually comes up in the afternoon… hmmmm…. I may go on out and do oxycise and tai-cheng when I get back in…. that would probably be wiser…

Mary E. Robbins
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keep your light burning

Good Morning Peeps... it is a bit frosty here this morning... wind is blowing ... it is snowing... with a charming temp of 6 degrees F... yeah... ok it is brrrr... the mastiffs and poms have already been ran outside and back in... I hear the Diesel (mastiff) snoring in his bed...

breakfast is a done deal... sausage, egg, spaghetti squash, coffee.... time for some more coffee... then oxycise and tai-cheng...

ink work on my arm is healing nicely... still sore of course... but no seeping or scabbing...yay... hey gotta take care of it if you do it or you will have a nasty mess... just sayin...

yesterday for the most part was just kind of a phttttt... day... frankly I am glad it is over... yeah I know don't wish your life away... but yesterday ... for the most part I could have done without... kept cycling through emotions all friggen day... aaaccckkk... until I finally found something just ... I don't know... what to call it... calms me down and I like to see what they come up with... found Under the Gunn... I think it is called ... it's on lifetime's site... Tim Gunn is doing a designer competition... love Tim Gunn... so put it on tv... and promptly went to sleep on the couch... not bored... just gave my mind something to play with that was not dramatic... and I could let it run free and I could sleep... the video's on their site just kept playing through on a loop... as I burrowed into the back of the couch...

Then I got this charming phone call... woke me up... no I am not being sarcastic... it was a charming call... inviting me to dinner for my birthday. Patient and charming... as I was sound asleep and could not understand what was being said when I first woke up... lol...everything had to be repeated... I accepted the invitation... hopefully my jeep will start so I can get there tomorrow... supposed to have a high of 4 degrees... maybe it will warm up sooner... hope so...

Still tired today... the house is quiet... birds are at the bird feeder outside... It is amazing to me how these tiny birds survive in this cold weather... survive and actually seem to thrive... such beautiful little creatures...

The world is shrouded in white... with the wind playing across the snow... swirling it around in dancing sprays off the quonset sides... and sifting and shifting it into dips and drifts across the pastures...

The overall exhaustion... is not from physical labor... physical labor.... activity actually helps to off set the cycle that is causing the exhaustion... it has been a trigger filled month... January... now February... and I seem to have tipped the apple cart over... so to speak. An apple cart filled with PTSD IEDs ... rolling about and blowing up here and there everywhere... argh.... here's a trigger... there's a trigger... every where's a trigger ... boom da... boom... da boom...

So the question is... how do I gather up these nasty little buggers... without being blown to friggen bits again... deactivate them... and toss their nasty little bits back into the apple cart to be wheeled off and disposed of... hmmmmm..... Well...

This is part of it... writing about it... yes I could just write about it in my journals... but I know there are so many others out there... and if this helps anyone else then some good has come of all this pain and exhaustion... yes you can make it through the next cycle... yes there is joy beyond that pain... yes I know it seems never-ending... yes I know it is brutal...

Embrace the pain... like when you run distance... or lift heavy... or get inked... embrace the pain... and use it to build strength... because you are worth it... you are of value... you have purpose... there is only one you and you are magnificent... keep your light burning... it is not time yet...

Let your flame burn true... yes I am talking to me... as well as to you...

Mary E. Robbins
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Fly Free... Choose Life...

had this piece done to honor our marriage

this piece will be shaded in like the shoulder cap piece...

Good Morning Peeps…

Weight bounced from yesterday to today… 270.8 to 272.0 I know I did not eat enough calories for it to be fat…. Still bugs me though… I did not sleep well last night… and I am always heavier when I do not sleep well…

I was dealing with another transition in this life… felt like I was standing on a very high cliff… wings outstretched… or wing suit… feeling the updraft… coming up under my wings racing along the side of the mountain… almost ready to step off that cliff and soar… yet still gripping the ledge with my feet… almost there… just kick off and soar… ride those thermals… embrace life… or hide in fear… yes the meter kept flipping from one side to the other all night… well I am writing… and yes there is more ink on my arm… so… a bit nervous to be sure… but embracing life…

The work on my memorial… and letting go… releasing myself to live… ink started yesterday… pocket watch with the time of the 911 call (David collected pocket watches… and I love them too… there is more symbolism there as well) … roses… red ones and some purple… since the last roses David surprised me with were purple bicolor roses… his initials in the lid of the pocket watch… and the words Fly Free… (yes I know the design changed…)

Most of the outline work is done… some leaves and filigree and perhaps another purple rose… then the fill and shading… hopefully we will get that in the next setting. Gotta let this heal up a bit… then finish it up… ran out of time yesterday… geez… there is that clock again… lol… this ink is a celebration of life… Of David’s life… of my life… of all the lives of those that have gone on ahead… and of those still in this realm… Fly Free… appreciate life and live it now… for none of us know when that pocket watch will have our initials and check out time on it…

Breathe deep… stretch out your wings and Fly Free…

oh... and no my nose is not injured... well not now... that happened 40 years ago... lol... it is a breathe right strip... i am getting ready to do oxycise and tai-cheng

Mary E. Robbins
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non gmo... organic... non processed ... equals... fat loss and health...

Got on the scale this morning... and looked a couple of times... I am now 43 pounds down... 270.8 lbs... still hefty... but not as hefty as I was... YaY! andd it is still falling off...

I cut almost all processed foods... out of my food intake... cut gluten ... artificial sweeteners... sugars... hmmmm... well this would be easier to say what I am eating rather than listing all the stuff i am refusing to consume...

I am eating as closely as possible... translated doing the best I can with what I have access too... organic, non gmo, non processed, whole foods... mostly veggies and proteins at this point...

I am using the induction food lists in the book the new atkins for a new you... with some modifications... I am eating very little dairy... nothing against dairy... I just do not want the hormones the dairy herds are being injected with... rather frustrating since I am a total cheese freak...

I am using tangy tangerine 2 as a vitamin/mineral supplement... also using shakeology as a snack sense I know both are high quality... and my food variety is rather limited at this point...

trying to keep my water consumption adequate... for my weight that is about a gallon a day... not always reaching that... but feel better when I do as I am flushing so many toxins with this fat loss.

i get a minimum of 30 minutes a day of activity in... usually more... between oxycise/tai-cheng... ranch rounds... and working in the quonset... just get up and move... if you can not get up... move where you are...

dropping the gluten ... sugar... and processed foods has made a huge difference... of course it can be rather frustrating going to the grocery store...not much in there...

after I am under 200 lbs I will be adding nuts, fruits, and higher carb veggies and legumes back into my food consumption lists... as well as some non gmo grains...

I am finding that I am not hungry all the time like i used to be...

I did not choose this eating style as a diet... I did this because I was totally fed up with feeling like crud... and getting sick every friggen time I ate...

Oh... and something else... yes I am still using olive oil... love a good quality olive oil and a bit of vinegar and some garlic on salads... however I am being extremely selective about it... so much of the olive oil on the store shelves is not actually olive oil... even some of the respected brands are contaminated with other oils... or not olive oil at all... grrrrr...

Coconut oil is excellent... just make sure it is non hexane...

You know I thought I knew how to eat healthy... this is certainly a learning experience...

Mary E. Robbins
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Snowflakes and Choices

Doing another first today without my husband... going to a g-show with a friend... you would think going out would be an exciting fun thing… I like this person… and I enjoy his company… he is a good man…. I think this is just two friends going to an event together… it is hard though… g-shows were David’s thing…. Sad and confused… I went with him part of the time… but it was a thing for him to do with his buds…

So … I have a choice. I can celebrate that he enjoyed his life and enjoyed looking around at these shows… and choose to venture forth and enjoy the day… or I can allow myself to sink into desolation because he is no longer here to do so… he was a good man and we were blessed to share each other’s lives.

I know he would not want me to be in desolation… I know this about him… so… write your way through the sadness you are feeling this morning… have some coffee… take the ashes out… stop and appreciate the absolute beauty of the snow gently falling… without any wind… it is so beautiful outside right now… calm… peaceful… everything shrouded in a white cape … made up of tiny exquisite pieces of artwork… yes snowflakes…

I stepped out before the sun was up… it was 20 degrees F… but seems warmer… probably because the wind is not blowing… so there I am out looking around as I start to run the dogs out … and I see this sparkle … caught by the dim porch light… snowflakes… the birds in the evergreen tree in front of the door rustled their wings as I walked under their nightly perch… sending more flakes flitting across my gaze… so it is a choice… sadness and desolation… or stop… take a breath… and appreciate the beauty of this snowy morning… on the first day of Feb. 2014…

Frankly… I have really had enough of desolation… so… I am lifting my coffee cup in a salute… and giving thanks for the day… you know that feels a whole lot like inner peace… yes it does… savoring the sensation…

Mary E. Robbins
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Took these pics this morning...

when it snows or is foggy... it is as if this little hollow is it's own little world... hidden away in shrouds of gray or white...

can not see beyond the ridge...

this is the tree just in front of my door... the one I hear the birds in at night...

there is running water out under that evergreen tree for the birds...

you can sort of see the buff ducks just on the other side of the gate... sitting outside in the snow... yes they have a barn... they were talking amongst themselves... sounded happy...

Diesel's chew toy... yes it is a tire...

not moving... just clearing out stuff that is useable and cleaning out my quonset... for any of you that do not know the grey rounded building is a quonset

7 p.m.


Just came in from ranch rounds... bit chilly... 14 degrees F... the girls gave me an egg... no wind... really beautiful cold night with a sliver of a crescent moon...

My plans for today ended up changing... my friend decided to stay home because of the weather... which was probably a good idea... so ... I stayed home as well... folded some laundry... cleaned up some dirt... watched some tv... actually watched chicago pd and some of continuum...

working out is still on my list... emptied the ashes... mow mow tat's litter box... watered everyone outside... fed who needed feeding... threw out some trash... made a list for feb...

I lost 10.4 pounds in January... there have been some nifty changes in body composition... muscle gain... fat loss... my waist is down to 40 inches from 46 inches... met my clothing size goal too... actually a month ahead of time... I was aiming to get into a size 48 bib overalls... already in them... I looked in my closet today... and it dawned on me that 95% of the clothes in there will be moving on to other folks... not right now but throughout the year...

just had my dinner... cremated chicken... yeah I forgot to set the timer... was still edible... well it was still protein... lol.... oh yeah and had some green salad with olive oil and vinegar...

have the top oven set on clean now... gotta love a self cleaning oven... hmmmm... wonder how one would create a self cleaning house... now there is a thought...

all in all it has been a good day... it has also been a seriously beautiful day...