not so cheery

Sorry not so cheery this morning…Woke up tired… lost and afraid…after being woken up numerous times by the Pominators throughout the time I was trying to sleep.  This howling thing they are doing in the night has to stop.  I am really tired … feel as if I could fall asleep writing. I’d get to sleep… they’d wake me up… get them quieted down… go back to sleep… and they’d start in again… now they are completely quiet.

The wind is blowing … and it is wet outside… 29 degrees according to weather.com.  The sky is overcast and leaden… I hear the wind chimes singing their song in the wind. 

Mornings are the worst… I miss my husband desperately… and become very afraid.  Perhaps that is happening because I am not able to get decent rest.  It would be nice to be able to just sleep without being woken up with howling.  I know they miss him too…. But they are pushing me past the brink of exhaustion.  My stomach hurts… I suppose I am hungry.  Ok… I am going to go make myself a cup of coffee and eat something…

 Later in the day today… made the cup of coffee… ate a bite of a whole grain muffin. Listened to a conference call. Took some notes… cried some more… Trying to move forward. Looked at my left hand and started to cry again. David loved seeing my wedding rings on my hand and for 10 years I had not been able to wear them. I thought it was from fat… but it turned out to be swelling from Nexium. (and some other proton pump inhibitors) I am so sorry I did not catch it sooner so he could have enjoyed them on my hand more… He wore his ring all the time. I loved seeing it on his hand.. I loved watching him work with his hands. He was so deliberate… and careful. I miss his hands. When we were on the trains together I used to watch him filling out the paperwork… when we walked across the street… he always put out a hand to protect me… or put his hand on my arm or back.

Truth be told… I do not want to move forward… moving forward without my husband by my side is the very last thing I want to do. There is the truth of it. Moving forward seems like I am saying that our time together… our commitment to one another did not matter. David mattered more… matters more to me than anything…so how can I say that. Hmmmm… perhaps the concept needs to be altered… rather than leaving David and our relationship behind… moving forward carrying our love with me… until we meet again on the other side... Frankly I still do not want to move on without him with me physically… but it seems I have no choice in the matter… it’s either move on… tough that you don’t like it… or sit in a hellish mire of torn emotions driving yourself totally insane in this life… frankly both options are not as I would have it… but it is as it is…

When I was crying the Pominators started howling… I wonder if I am crying or moaning in my sleep if that is why they are howling… they are mourning and crying along with me… The Pominators that are waking me up are in the house… of course the outside crews join in too…

Evening… I managed to get a nap between 11 and 12 with Sara (bullmastiff) on the couch… felt better for an hour of sleep…. the day got better as I got busier. Got a phone call from a friend asking me to help out today. I crated up the Pominators and Mastiffs and headed over to their shop. Visited with grief counselor for an hour today as well. Good conversation…. We discussed the differences between yesterday and today. She told me it often went this way… have a good day … then the next is like this morning was. Part of the process of walking through this massive life adjustment.

Frankly before this happened… this… being David’s physical death… I had absolutely no idea. I’ve had other friends that have lost their husbands over the years… people that really loved … each other… I had no concept of what they were actually going through. I realize everyone’s walk is different in this life… but there is substantial common ground in this situation.

Had scrambled eggs with a bit of bacon and potato for supper… quick easy meal… but I did cook… thinking I will bank the wood stove for the night and go to bed… perchance to sleep…

Mary E. Robbins

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Sand Hills Cranes...and Memories

Today … this morning anyway it is a sunny spring day… with clouds sprinkled across the sky. I heard this sound as I was taking the Pominators outside and getting a sheet of tin to go along the side of the cat run. For a bit I did not recognize what it was. I said to myself. David would know what that is. I kept listening and the memory of him telling me what it was came back to me. It was the cranes. Flying high in the sky and calling. I remembered a story he told me about him and his brother Gary sitting out on the front step or lying there… with binoculars watching the cranes as kids. The cranes so high in the sky you could barely see them… David truly loved his family…he was so glad of any time they could have together… cherishing the memories… telling the stories to keep the memories alive…

I went in the house and picked up the binocular case… moving his hat in the process…. And took the case outside. I gently pulled the binoculars out of the case and looked at the cranes… watching them fly in swooping circles as a group… listening to their calls…

I’ve lost the sound of David’s voice. I panicked … with all the tech that is available… there is no recording of his voice. I can hear the wonderful words he said to me… and feel the love … but the sound of his voice… then I realized … I heard him this morning in the calls of the sand hills cranes… in the sound of the pheasants as they call and fly… in the rumble of the coal trains … in the barking of our dogs… even in the silence…

 I was weeping and crying for peace this morning… asking God over and over…. Then I heard it in my head as I was fastening the gate latches on the upper dog yard…. You have to accept it. … peace is available… you have to accept it…

It never occurred to me that I was rejecting peace… tearing myself apart in agony and grief… David’s time in this physical life is done. At this point in time I can not see myself as being accepting of that. It seems my time in this life is not yet at an end. Without my husband here… I am not thrilled about that either… that said… if I am to continue in this life… as it seems it is for me to do… the pain… depression… chaos… that has been tearing my very being apart must cease.

I am literally tearing myself apart. Peace is there… healing is there… I have to accept it… choose to heal…

Thank You for Peace...

Mary E. Robbins
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Ups and downs...and the world keeps on...

Tried to eat breakfast this morning… gagged on it… Sara and Diesel enjoyed it. Heard this song on cbs this morning… about better tell the gravedigger to dig 2 holes if you go first… yes I totally lost it. I haven’t been posting much … or writing much… I’ve been rather overwhelmed with mood swings and grief. PTSD is in a full on flare up.

I tried to take the kittens up to the whelping house yesterday… I got them up there then saw their empty kitty condo in the living room and could not stop crying. Grief counselor was here then and she was on target with what she said… it was not time yet… just too much change… we went up to the whelping house … and while we were up there I introduced her to the entire dog family… well other than the labs… and she saw them as well… just no introduction…all the hairballs were smiling and dancing around… then we brought the kitten crew back to the house…

they were hiding under straw with eyes as big as saucers before we picked them up and put them in the pet carrier to go back to the house… they were 3 happy campers to get back into their kitty condo.

Vicious panic attack last night… woke up to the start of another one… took some saint johns wort and some rescue remedy. I am seeing a different case manager today and a new doctor… I know that is part of what is driving the reactions this morning.

Legs swelled up again yesterday… most of the swelling was down this morning. Maybe this doctor will be a good thing. I hope so. Although at this point in my life I have very little hope of them being of any benefit. Maybe that’s just depression talking. I don’t know. I sure lost it over those kittens yesterday. The tiniest change is totally destabilizing now.

I’ve started taking Diesel (cane corso) back to bed with me again. Just having him in there to curl up to seems to help keep be a bit grounded.

I dreamed of hanging the other night… first time I’ve ever had a suicide dream. I hate choking… grandma choked… mom choked… uncle gene choked… uncle bus choked… all of us… they had (I have) hiatal hernias and have some throat damage… from stomach acid burns… maybe I was choking in my sleep … who knows… I just know I woke up from a hanging dream… and that noose had been for me.

Limp is becoming more pronounced… but at least I am still walking. That is a good thing… Stomach has been flaring badly. Ugh! Still have shingles or whatever that nightmare is on my face. On a bright note I have been able to keep it out of my eye… and my ear is not hurting as bad. I’ve been putting zeolite drops in my eyes and my ear.

The crocus are blooming… tulips and daffodils are up… not blooming yet…

Before David’s physical death… I had no idea … I thought I did…but in actuality I did not. This is unimaginable…. One can try to imagine it… but until you are in the middle of it… there is no real comprehension. Frankly … at the risk of sounding selfish… I could have done without this comprehension.

The sun is shining… and the earth is still turning. The sky is still an explosion of beauty with the dramatic shapes, bright whites and shades of grays in the clouds… and the dramatic blues, hues of reds, yellows, pinks, deep black dazzling stars… sailing moon and so on… this amazing ball … living planet that we are existing on is still sailing around the sun in its orbit…

My world as I knew it ended when David’s body died. When I look at that beautiful sky it actually surprises me in its beauty. That the days and nights are continuing on. How could they be with this vital piece missing. How is that possible? David was/is so much a part of my very existence that when we were physically torn apart… one on this side of the veil and one on the other side… that my world shattered… I shattered.

Yet… spring is still progressing… the tulips are growing… the birds are singing… There were very few birds here when we moved here. Now the place is teeming with feathered creatures. Amazing enough when I hear them it is soothing to my soul. I wonder do they worry…. Or are they capable of living in the now… appreciating the moments as they occur… I have never been very good at that. Always preparing for the un-preparable… or beating myself up over something in the past. Neither of which in actuality makes any sense at all.

So the question is… how do I learn to appreciate the 22 years of memories… 22 years of unconditional love from my best friend/husband… rather than mourn the loss of the years we wanted to have together so badly. We wanted to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary… to grow old together… to sit in our recliners and watch tv together… to cast out a fishing line out… together… I do not have the answer to that… perhaps one day I will…

As for now it is one moment… one breath at a time…

Mary E. Robbins
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