Sorry not so cheery this morning…Woke up tired… lost and
afraid…after being woken up numerous times by the Pominators throughout the
time I was trying to sleep. This howling
thing they are doing in the night has to stop.
I am really tired … feel as if I could fall asleep writing. I’d get to sleep…
they’d wake me up… get them quieted down… go back to sleep… and they’d start in
again… now they are completely quiet.
The wind is blowing … and it is wet outside… 29 degrees
according to weather.com. The sky is
overcast and leaden… I hear the wind chimes singing their song in the
wind.
Mornings are the worst… I miss my husband desperately… and become
very afraid. Perhaps that is happening because
I am not able to get decent rest. It would
be nice to be able to just sleep without being woken up with howling. I know they miss him too…. But they are pushing
me past the brink of exhaustion. My stomach
hurts… I suppose I am hungry. Ok… I am going
to go make myself a cup of coffee and eat something…
Later
in the day today… made the cup of coffee… ate a bite of a whole grain
muffin. Listened to a conference call. Took some notes… cried some
more… Trying to move forward. Looked at my left hand and started to cry
again. David loved seeing my wedding rings on my hand and for 10 years I
had not been able to wear them. I thought it was from fat… but it
turned out to be swelling from Nexium. (and
some other proton pump inhibitors) I am so sorry I did not catch it
sooner so he could have enjoyed them on my hand more… He wore his ring
all the time. I loved seeing it on his hand.. I loved watching him
work with his hands. He was so deliberate… and careful. I miss his
hands. When we were on the trains together I used to watch him filling
out the paperwork… when we walked across the street… he always put out a
hand to protect me… or put his hand on my arm or back.
Truth be told… I do not want to move forward… moving forward without my husband by my side is the very last thing I want to do. There is the truth of it. Moving forward seems like I am saying that our time together… our commitment to one another did not matter. David mattered more… matters more to me than anything…so how can I say that. Hmmmm… perhaps the concept needs to be altered… rather than leaving David and our relationship behind… moving forward carrying our love with me… until we meet again on the other side... Frankly I still do not want to move on without him with me physically… but it seems I have no choice in the matter… it’s either move on… tough that you don’t like it… or sit in a hellish mire of torn emotions driving yourself totally insane in this life… frankly both options are not as I would have it… but it is as it is…
When I was crying the Pominators started howling… I wonder if I am crying or moaning in my sleep if that is why they are howling… they are mourning and crying along with me… The Pominators that are waking me up are in the house… of course the outside crews join in too…
Evening… I managed to get a nap between 11 and 12 with Sara (bullmastiff) on the couch… felt better for an hour of sleep…. the day got better as I got busier. Got a phone call from a friend asking me to help out today. I crated up the Pominators and Mastiffs and headed over to their shop. Visited with grief counselor for an hour today as well. Good conversation…. We discussed the differences between yesterday and today. She told me it often went this way… have a good day … then the next is like this morning was. Part of the process of walking through this massive life adjustment.
Frankly before this happened… this… being David’s physical death… I had absolutely no idea. I’ve had other friends that have lost their husbands over the years… people that really loved … each other… I had no concept of what they were actually going through. I realize everyone’s walk is different in this life… but there is substantial common ground in this situation.
Had scrambled eggs with a bit of bacon and potato for supper… quick easy meal… but I did cook… thinking I will bank the wood stove for the night and go to bed… perchance to sleep…
Truth be told… I do not want to move forward… moving forward without my husband by my side is the very last thing I want to do. There is the truth of it. Moving forward seems like I am saying that our time together… our commitment to one another did not matter. David mattered more… matters more to me than anything…so how can I say that. Hmmmm… perhaps the concept needs to be altered… rather than leaving David and our relationship behind… moving forward carrying our love with me… until we meet again on the other side... Frankly I still do not want to move on without him with me physically… but it seems I have no choice in the matter… it’s either move on… tough that you don’t like it… or sit in a hellish mire of torn emotions driving yourself totally insane in this life… frankly both options are not as I would have it… but it is as it is…
When I was crying the Pominators started howling… I wonder if I am crying or moaning in my sleep if that is why they are howling… they are mourning and crying along with me… The Pominators that are waking me up are in the house… of course the outside crews join in too…
Evening… I managed to get a nap between 11 and 12 with Sara (bullmastiff) on the couch… felt better for an hour of sleep…. the day got better as I got busier. Got a phone call from a friend asking me to help out today. I crated up the Pominators and Mastiffs and headed over to their shop. Visited with grief counselor for an hour today as well. Good conversation…. We discussed the differences between yesterday and today. She told me it often went this way… have a good day … then the next is like this morning was. Part of the process of walking through this massive life adjustment.
Frankly before this happened… this… being David’s physical death… I had absolutely no idea. I’ve had other friends that have lost their husbands over the years… people that really loved … each other… I had no concept of what they were actually going through. I realize everyone’s walk is different in this life… but there is substantial common ground in this situation.
Had scrambled eggs with a bit of bacon and potato for supper… quick easy meal… but I did cook… thinking I will bank the wood stove for the night and go to bed… perchance to sleep…
Mary E. Robbins
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