Sunday, November 30, 2008

Windy Day on the High Plains

The Wind is blowing like a psycho again today. In the middle of the night last night it was wonderful outside. The wind had died down the stars were so bright it looked like you could reach up and touch them.

I went out to shut up the door to the fowl house. The ducks, guineas and chickens had all went to bed. We shut the door at night to keep the predators from eating them. I seriously need to rebuild that door. At this point I am shutting the door and bracing a chain link gate across the bottom of it.

The mastiffs were after something last night when I had them out in the yard. When I smelled it’s pungent aroma I was very glad for the fence to keep them off it. There was a skunk fairly close. I would say close enough that the mastiff’s fence attack frightened it into spraying. Fortunately it was far enough away from the fence that it missed my dogs.

I take the handheld spotlight out with me when I go out to shut up the birds. I like to shine it around the ridges and check for four legged company. I’ve lit up some eyes a number of times. Usually when the spot light hits them they leave. At least onto the other side of the ridge. I will be very glad when we get that perimeter fence up. It will slow down the predator loss considerably. Sometimes I think our cats and birds are the buffet line for coyotes, fox, and cougar.

Happily that cat does not come around very often. The coyotes however are another story. I can hear them howling, yipping and running nearly every night. Unless the wind is blowing like crazy, then of course I can’t hear anything outside but the wind. Well the wind and the tin it is banging up and down.

I am sure glad we have the electric fence around the kennels. Makes me sleep much better at night. Neither the cougar nor the coyotes challenge electric fences. Not usually anyway. Well not the electric fence combined with the stock panels. A single strand fence I do believe the coyotes will simply go under.

It amazes me that this is the last day of November 2008. It simply does not seem possible. But it is, now isn’t it. So far this winter it has been pretty warm all in all. I am glad we have all the dogs moved into the big calf hutches. Makes it nice for them to be able to get out of the wind and have some room to play and run. I want to bring some more straw over from the shelterbelt and put it in their houses. It’s a kick to watch them tear the chunks of straw bale apart. They have a great time with it. Just enjoying being dogs.

We are getting closer to catching things up. One day, one step at a time. I found some shelving that can be used to stack crates on. Or to build solid sleeping compartments for that matter. Unfortunately I don’t think I’ll have those built before the wicked cold comes around. I do have enough big dog crates to bring the poms in. Be a good idea to have a few more though.

I am sure going to be glad when I am not just using extension cords to string electricity around for heat lamps and such. One day one step at a time.

I love watching the dogs run and play. Their sheer joy of life is a blessing to behold.

Best get going, more sorting and shredding to do. Then it’s cook for David and get out to the kennels.

Thank God for ear plugs to keep that howling wind out of my ears.

Life is a journey, go with God.
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream With Our Pomeranians

Good Morning Everyone, Happy Saturday: November 29th, 2008

It’s a gray cool morning here in Wild Wonderful Wyoming. Around 30 degrees Fahrenheit, with a brisk breeze that is blowing of some ice and snow somewhere. The wind has a cold bite to it this morning. All in all it has been a glorious November weather wise.

In my last post I went on about the positive effects of a couple of prescription drugs I was taking. Oops, I spoke too soon. The night I wrote that post my body reacted strongly to the drugs. As in barely able to breathe, throat swelled up, right side so stiff and sore I could barely move my right arm or turn my head.

I double checked the side effects list and quit taking them. Didn’t sleep for a few days, nonstop pain and headache. I have slept the past two nights however and that nasty migraine is gone. I am not taking any more of that type of drug, period. That’s the end of that.

Made things worse rather than better. However, the experience did help to put things in perspective. Happily my head is still clear. I worked through some issues during the week of very little sleep. I tend to dam up emotions and keep going, and keep going, and keep going until the dam bursts then there is this monster flood of pain, anger, grief, rage, all flooding everywhere.

In this case the mess with the dogs, my mother, and cousin, burst the dam. Rather than having just the current issues to deal with, which were more than difficult. There was an overload of stored up emotions to deal with as well. Nothing like drowning in emotional crap.

Ok so what do I do about it? Answer: Deal with each emotional situation as it arises. Rather than hardening my heart, allow myself to feel the grief at the time when one of my dogs passes on. It hurts, allow it to hurt, mourn and move on.

I discovered that there was a lot of fear masquerading as rage as well. Dealing with the combined illnesses of both my husband and me over the past 8 years has been a herculean task.

I have also been one to rehash my actions and choices over and over and over and so on. Perfectionist to the core. Beating myself up over some imagined error in judgment, or the possibility of a mistaken choice. Enough of that crap already.

Reliving the past and, living in the future does nothing but take away your present.

New outlook, learn from the past choices you’ve made, live in the present, the future will be the present soon enough.

Do what you can do. Enjoy your life as you live it. The present is all you actually have.

The Thanksgiving holiday is over and psycho Friday came and went. I glanced at my Yahoo News last night and read where there was a Wal-mart employee trampled to death by shoppers. Absolutely nuts!

I wonder was the crap, alias Christmas Greed gifts, worth killing someone over. Here is an idea, rather than piling more junk that you don’t need in the first place in your already overstuffed house find a charity to donate to.

Thanksgiving is supposed to be about being thankful for the blessings we have. Such as a roof over our heads, food to eat, clothes to keep warm.

Christmas, was the celebration of The birth of the Christ Child. The appreciation of the ultimate gift from God. Not about trampling some poor guy to death so you can grab some other piece of nonsense that you more than likely do not need in the first place.

Frankly it’s a very sad commentary on what has happened over the years in this country. Just where have our values gone to?

Whatever happened to courtesy, honor, graciousness?


I did actually cook a Turkey for Thanksgiving. It was the large tom turkey that we had raised and butchered. I am cooking the second half of him today. Big boy would not fit in my oven. Looks like I’m going to be coming up with some turkey recopies and freezing them.

The turkey breast and half of the back filled my oven on Thursday. I rubbed him down with olive oil and poultry seasoning, as well as some garlic powder and baked him with cranberries. Turned out to be quite tasty.

David and I had turkey around 9 or 10 pm when we finally ate dinner. It was good to see my husband; he had been on the train for most of the day.

It’s about time to take the rest of the turkey out of the oven. I used olive oil, poultry seasoning, and garlic powder again today. However, I used diced apple and orange (with rind) as the fruit to bake the rest of him with; rather than cranberries.

Life is a journey, be thankful for each day
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream with Our Pomeranians

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Letter to a good friend; that turned into a blog post

Hi Hot Toddy… I so could not resist that. He He. Hope you don’t mind. I hope you and your hairballs (alias Pomeranians and critters) had a wonderful Halloween. Mine was seriously boring; Major yawn time; maybe next year. At least I shouldn’t be in such a sh*tty funk by then.

Actually I am doing much better already. Have some, Hmmm what was the word he used, surgery to do so to speak. Not literally, at least not that I know of. But you know I’ve been putting that mammogram off. Titty in a vise grip, yeah right that’s just a ton of fun. But I digress.

No I’m not manic, just feeling better and a bit tongue in cheek. I hit another monster low and decided that I just was not going to deal with this sh*t by myself any more. Don’t take that the wrong way, I know you would listen, so would David now that he knows, but I needed more help than just listening.

Early last year after my February incident I looked up a shrink. I met with her once then cancelled all the rest of the appointments. When I looked at her I kept wanting to snap her in half. She was this tiny little woman that reacted nervously in our first meeting. (could have just been my perception) Hence me wanting to snap her in half, or rather wad her up like a Gumby doll. Yeah that’s it. Wad her up like a little green Gumby doll. The thought of it makes me laugh. That Todd Sweeny kind of laugh. Great movie by the way; has a wicked twist to it.

Who knows, she might be great at what she does, just not the right match with me.

I went to see Doc. F; excellent match. I saw him 10 or 12 years ago for a bit, he was very helpful then; however I wasn’t in the place in my own mind to really go for it. This time I am. I am so fed up with this static in my mind. Noisy damn stuff. No sleep to mention, panic attacks, mood swings from hell. It’s like a rollercoaster from hell; Yeeee Haww let me off this fu*cking ride.

The mess with the dogs was the final straw. It was God awful to make these choices and see them go anyway, but dealing with my cousin and mother in the mix turned a horrid situation into hell on earth. I got to the point where I couldn’t separate what was and what wasn’t, spinning out of control, to shutting down just staring at the TV. Wouldn’t have mattered about the TV, I was just staring. I did vomit emotional crap all over my blog. My way of stabilizing I suppose, maybe someone else can use it to help them stabilize as well.

I wonder sometimes if my cousin and mother are aware of the nasty/spiteful/painful things they say and do. Could it be they are unaware? Could it be they are so messed up themselves that playing spite/power games with others is the only way they can function? Who knows? Doesn’t really matter any more, they are who they are. If they are in pain, I hope they get help. Their words are their words, their actions are their actions, they are the ones responsible for them, not me. I don’t have to fix it. I am not responsible for it. Their lives are the results of their choices. I have never been at peace with that before. I always felt like I had to make it better for them.

Like I had to take care of them somehow, or they were my responsibility in this life.

I did something different this time with doctor F. Last time I said no drugs. This time I agreed to them. I’ve always been of the attitude, a bit snippety I know, no drugs they are just putting a band aid over the problem.

Ok I am chewing my words. Munch munch munch, I filled the scripts the day he gave them to me. Then I set them on my kitchen table and stared at them for a day. I picked up the bag from Walgreens to read what it said about them on the info papers and just said fu*ck it and took them. No not an overdose, I took them the way they were supposed to be taken. Within a half an hour the static was gone out of my head. What a bloody relief.

I am actually able to sleep at night. I don’t seem to need even a quarter of the allergy pills I was taking, and I am not in such constant pain anymore. I actually have peace in my mind. What a relief. If this is a band-aid over issues, fine. I’ll make use of the band-aid until I don’t need it any more. For now it is so wonderful to have peace in my mind rather than static.

It’s actually quiet in there unless I’m focusing on something. Then I can actually give what ever I am focusing on my attention without fighting through the static. I haven’t had a headache in over a week. I just realized that. Wow, I used to have headaches that lasted for days on end. Mind bending ones that made light your mortal enemy as it sliced through your eyes and your hair felt like needles ramming down into your brain. Wow, a week without a headache. Too cool. Wow.

What a bloody relief, and here’s the bonus; Other than actually feeling like a human rather than a torture subject. I am starting to become productive. Bit by bit I am working my way through this mountain of sh*it in my office, the yards too. It will take a while, but I’m actually enjoying the process.

I can’t remember a day without pain, and or static in my head before this. I can remember searing emotional pain, horrendous headaches; but no peace or calm. This feels so wonderful. Peace, calm, ahhhhhh. Just a huge sigh. Ahhhhhhh…. Like putting your face up against something really soft.

I can’t do anything about what others’ think of me, or say about me. Not one bloody thing. Mean ratty ass bastards one and all. But you know what; none of it matters any more. I can’t do anything about it anyway so fluff off one and all and a big to do to you and yours.

I don’t have a headache anymore. My head doesn’t hurt. What they say doesn’t matter one whit to me unless I decide it does. Guess what pissers. It doesn’t so piss off or not; I couldn’t care less.

(Obviously If you are not a nasty gossipy pisser this does not apply to you.)

I don’t have a headache any more, la la la la la ta dah, major happy dance on my part.

Eventually I’ll get around to dealing with issues that actually matter. Other than my not having a headache any more. I’ll do what I can as I can, that’s all there is.

Like me, love me, don’t like me, hate me, that’s your issue not mine. I am who I am, that’s it. Boop Boop De Doop.

Wow this turned from a letter to a journal/blog post. Got pretty excited when I realized I hadn’t had a headache in a week. Keep in mind there’s been over 40 years of those bloody headaches; and always pain either in my arms or legs. Unending aches, like a toothache in your arms or legs. Weird, wonder how all this is connected. Who’d a thought?

Funny thought: When I was in high school, yes I know a millennia ago. It was my sophomore year I believe, maybe my junior year, not quite sure. The old memory and all, lol. Anyway we had a segment on Nathanial Hawthorne. His writing used to drive me absolutely batty. He would start on a topic, then go into intense detail about what I thought was something else. Now I find myself writing in a similar style. No I am not so arrogant as to put myself on his level in writing. I just happened to notice that I tend to meander in a similar manner. A bit like Ducky in the program NCIS. Bit of a chuckle at that. I used to get so impatient with his writing. But I definitely had a vivid picture of what he was talking about, lol. Teenage impatience I suppose.

You know when my friend, Todd and I get on the phone our conversations tend to go on the same way. Meandering on enjoying each other’s company, quite a delight actually.

Must go for now, need to let some dogs out to run and turn out the chickens. Beautiful gray chilly morning today.

Life is a journey, filled with twists and turns.
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch

Monday, November 17, 2008

Through the fire, and out the other side, from iron to steel.

I was out and about yesterday evening in the wonderful dark taking care of my dogs. It was a perfect night. Crisp clear skies with the beauty of the night shining through. Breathtaking view of the stars and moon. Calm, no wind, cool but not cold. Simply wonderful. To the north there was a cloud bank slipping up. That is a good thing since it keeps the night temperatures from dropping too significantly.

I love the night. Obviously. Another bright note. I wear a headlight on my cap so I can see into the dog houses to check feed levels... What else that wonderful little headlight does is attract fleas. I stopped at each pen twice, loving on my dogs, scratching their ears, patting their backs, filling their feed pans, cleaning out their waters; and playing with them. Now I realize it is a bit cooler out so fleas aren’t as active. However, I didn’t see a single flea. Not jumping up on my face and hat, or in their ears, underbellies, or armpits. Rah Rah Rah happy dance happy dance.

We just may have defeated the little monsters in this war. Yes it has been a war; complete with toxic materials and casualties. I have started adding bug off garlic from Springtime Inc to my happy hairballs feed, along with their vitamins, and DE. This should render them without insect pests. From what I’ve read about the DE it is an excellent natural de-wormer too. That is a good thing. I will wait a bit then collect some stool samples and have them tested.

(important side note: if you decide to use DE do your research and use the right kind or you will seriously make your animals ill)

The Garlic will make them taste nasty to fleas, flies, ticks, mosquitoes. Along with the Cedar cide we will have a clean pest free kennel. Yay! Yes of course I will still have to clean up feces and such. Get a grip; nothing does that for you, but you. Pooper Scoopers of the world unite…lol.

I’ve put the DE in my farm cat’s food too. They are already looking better. I will be including the garlic and vitamins as well. I want my mobile mousetraps to be parasite free and healthy.

The fowl –as in chickens’ ducks etc will be getting DE as well. I really do not like using toxic wormers and dusters on my critters. Since this works it is a healthy alternative.

They already dust themselves in the ashes from the burn pile. So far I haven’t seen any mites on them or their houses. I detest those nasty little bugs. When I was a kid our chicken house was full of mites I remember seeing them moving like a wave on the chicken roosts. Of course it was my job to go in there and gather the eggs.

I was a little kid so it didn’t occur to me what was happening to the poor birds that slept in there.

Something else happened as I was out working last night. Yes this is more emotional gore. From rage to realization. My own 9-11 moment shall we say.

The twin towers in my life (figuratively) had already come crashing down, along with my belief system regarding my immediate family, childhood, and life in general. Excluding my husband.

He would be one of the heroic firefighters in this scenario. He has hung in there through my total flame out and melt down. My all engulfing flaming rage over a total betrayal destroying my view of what was real and what was not from my life as a baby through now.

What was true? What was a lie? Was anything from my childhood true. Were the circumstances of my father leaving true. Was it true that he shut me in a car twice and tried to kill me as a baby, or was that a lie as well? Did my dad leave because he didn’t want us? Didn’t want me. Did I destroy their marriage? Supposedly things were good before she got pregnant with me and fell apart after I was born. Did I destroy their marriage? Or was it something altogether different.

You know they say children are cruel. Yes they are its true. But adults, or rather parents, are crueler to their own children than anyone else could ever be.

Did my mother’s lies rob me of my child hood relationship with my father? How much of my childhood was lies? Was anything real? Did she ever love me or was I just a weapon to get at my dad? A tool to bring in income so she didn’t have to finish her education and actually work.

Yes I know she had physical problems. I have the same nasty disease in my body. Mainly my legs.

I could, and have made all kinds of excuses for her. Bottom line she is who she is. What she believes is what she believes. I used to think I knew who she was and what she believed. Big surprise; I have no bloody idea.

After all the killing rage, gnashing of teeth (my teeth) stomping screaming, crying, self torture, abject agony, hell incarnate; I finally came to a realization. “PING IN THE HEAD”

Wow, light bulb flashed on in my mind. It was actually a ping in the head moment. What have I been doing? Nothing like years of self torture to absolutely no avail. So much bloody pain.

However there was a moment of epiphany. So I guess all this hell on earth has come to some positive result.

So what is my great revelation? Absolutely nothing has changed. Just like the mess on 9-11. Absolutely nothing had changed. Yes some people had died; a couple of buildings had come down to a grand mess. It stirred up some patriotic feelings, mass flag flying, stirred up some prejudice.

But all in all, everything was the same. Didn’t change the prejudice that was obviously already there. Didn’t change the hatred/and or greed that was behind the twin towers going down; or the other planes going down. All of that crap was still there.

It did change how security reacts in airports and such. I didn’t change the motives behind all the mess. That was all the same.

The only thing that really changed was our awareness of what was there all along. Now it’s up to us how we let it affect us. Because bottom line, there is absolutely nothing we can do to change the other people’s believes, code of ethics, or lack thereof.

Now we are aware. What is Simply is.

So where do we go from here. We as a nation can choose to live in fear and manipulation; or we can choose to breathe free and live our lives recognizing their manipulation for what it is. The Petty attempt to steal the joy of life from us; as a whole and as individuals.

A scripture just came to mind:
All things work together for good for those that love God. Romans 8:28

I never thought this mess would ever come to any good, but it has. I am free.

(side note: don’t get tied up in where the word comes from: God is called by many names in many cultures. None of us know his true name. Which frankly is more than likely a good thing)

Life is a journey, peace be with you and in you
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch

Sunday, November 16, 2008

It's a sunny day after the storm

I have no idea who took this photo, but it is just perfect! Kudos to you!
It’s a sunny day after the storm. More than one kind of storm. I was going to say, more than one kind of storm I’m afraid. But you know what I am not afraid anymore. Kind of sad but not afraid any more.

I tried to talk to my mother once again. I failed miserably. Let me rephrase, I failed to get the response I so dearly wanted. What I wanted was a straight answer. Something she seems incapable of giving. Earlier this year she had said that she never wanted to speak to me again if I placed the dogs in rescue. Then she called me up again and threatened to put a restraining order on me.

The question I had asked her is “do you want to continue to have a relationship with me?”

I did get this roundabout answer that I was her daughter so what did I think.

Wow, what do I think? I think she has been a miserable manipulative lying monster throughout the entire ordeal.

Of course she tossed in the “you almost killed me again” I really should tape these conversations. I am thinking I will start to. Hmm, wonder what the legality of that would be. Oh linda is sure to get on the phone immediately and tell her I am going to tape her. Hurry hurry, you squealing pig of a person.

Tad bit of anger there. My bad.

As to how I almost killed her. Yes she was speaking literally. I almost killed her by removing those poor flea ridden worm infested dogs from her place. By the way I removed them by request. Her request. Which of course she is denying now.

My God I am so confused. This past year lie after lie after lie after lie has bubbled up to the surface of this toxic waste dump of a relationship. Now I am wondering how much of my childhood is real and how much is based on a lie. Or a myriad of lies. Here is the big one. The real heartbreaker. Did my dad leave us, or did he simply go on ahead to make a place for us and she refused to go. Did my mother steal my time growing up with my father?

Did she do this? Then lie about him not wanting me. Did dad forget me in a car, or leave me in the car to die when I was a little girl? Or is that some twisted lie too? What was I to my mom? A meal ticket for afdc, a weapon to use against my father, or a little girl to be loved. What was I? What was I? What was I?

What about the good memories are they all lies too? What is real?

The hateful things people do to their children never ceases to amaze me. A note to anyone in the midst of a divorce or separating from your life mate who has children. Do not use your kids as weapons against your mate! Doing so is selfish and hateful. Allow your kids to know both parents, who they really are, not some distorted picture you painted of them.

I wonder If there would be a police record of my being shut in that car so many years ago. I think I’ll make some phone calls and see what I can find out. Not to push it in anyone’s face. But for me.

I called the cop shop where these incidents allegedly happened. The said it would be no problem to go through the records. That the records went back that far and that I could look through them. Sounds like a day trip to me. Not sure when I am going to take it but I am going to take it. I don’t know; it may be a total waste of time. I am not ready to deal with it just yet.

I wonder what Aunt M can tell me about her childhood. Be interesting to hear a different perspective.

Maybe I am trying to make excuses for my mother once again. But I don’t think so. I am trying to understand the dynamic that helped to make her the way she is; and has been.

There Is nothing I can do about the way she lives her life. But, perhaps I can understand it. And in the process heal my self.

What a waste.

I have taken steps to help myself. I started with a wonderful therapist this past week. One day one step at a time. Hey if things are becoming too much or you just need a safe place to vent or sort out your life. Find a reputable therapist and go for it. There is no family or career crap tied in there. It’s a safe haven. Patient confidentiality and all that.

If you are suicidal or homicidal and don’t have a therapist, call the suicide hotline. You can have peace in your head, you can deal with emotions without them totally overwhelming you with static and pain. You are worth it. No matter what some other sh*t has said.

You are worth it. There is peace on this side of death. I know there is, I’ve had glimpses of it this past week.

There is life without total rage, static, pain. There is life with peace, joy. Not all the time, but in balance; and survivable.

Life is a journey, each day holds a new promise
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch:

Brrrrr, the wind is blowing: Nov 6th, 2008

Brrrrr, the wind is blowing and we have a skiff of blown across the ground. Makes me very glad that I worked from sunup to sundown on the kennels on the 4th.

I had already strawed the big doghouses the 4 by 7 ones, but I went around and sprayed a fine mist into them and sprayed down the pens.

One more step to getting rid of those nasty little invaders. Started the dogs on Diatomaceous Earth and garlic too. I will be grinding their vitamins into their feed as well. If you do this make sure you do the research and get the right kind of DE and learn how much to give as well. Remember what you do is up to you. You are responsible.

By the way; yes I did drag my tired butt out to vote.

Life is a journey, one day one step at a time
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch

Monday, November 03, 2008

Political ramblings and such

Wow what a bellowing ass. I just listened to a person go on and on about the elections. Fear mongering. I sincerely doubt he thought he was doing that, but that is what it sounded like to me.

Here is my suggestion. Vote your conscience.

I would say the meeting I was in was a total waste of time. Except for the fact that I became so annoyed that I actually am going to vote. Which way am I voting? OK, I’ll tell you. I am voting my conscience.

Frankly I’ve heard so much crap about the candidates that I really did not want to vote at all. I was hoping that the electoral college knew more than I did. When I first learned about the electoral college I was flabbergasted. Yup that’s the word, flabbergasted. I was in college fresh out of high school, and thought I knew everything. Much to my amazement, I found out that I didn’t know everything.

At any rate, as the years have gone by and I’ve listened to the ranting of numerous uninformed individuals, I have become more and more thankful for the electoral college.

Yes it is still important to go and vote. The electoral college has gone against the popular vote twice in the history of the USA. The popular vote determines who is in the senate and house as well as all of your local officials. The President has an extremely difficult time implementing any of his ambitions for the country if the house and senate do not get behind him.

Case in point. The Regan and Clinton administrations. It seemed like every time Regan turned around the house and senate were blocking him. What can I say, I liked President Regan. Something about him rang true.

I liked Bill Clinton too. I’ve never been so disgusted and disappointed in the Republican party in my entire life as during the Clinton administration. Muckraking monsters, wasting our money digging around in the Clinton’s personal lives and personal business. None of that crap should have been brought up while they were in office if at all.

Frankly that nonsense about his sexual life was pathetic. OK the man is a b*tch magnet. Like we didn’t know that when we voted for him. Unless he was molesting children, or raping someone, his personal life was no ones business but his own. How he and Hillary dealt with their personal lives is their personal business. Not ours. OK he was a whore monger. So what. He was good at his job, and frankly I don’t think he was elected because of his private sexual practices.

Yeah, OK I am venting. It’s my blog, I’ll vent in it.

I hear people b*tching and complaining about our political leaders. Yes I get frustrated and b*tch a bit too. Lord knows I don’t always agree with their decisions. Some over the past 8 years have left me fuming.

But, and it’s a big but too. I know that nothing is ever as simple as it seems. There are always many ways to look at each situation and pros and cons to every decision. The only thing they can do is what they believe is the best thing at the time.

You don’t like the decisions being made. Then get off your complaining ass and go do something about it. What do I mean by that? Do I mean vote? Yes vote, then get involved in local politics. Be a part of running your communities. Wow that sounds like work. Oh yes it is. Will people thank you for it? Hmmmm, what do you think? A few will, the rest will sit on their collective asses and b*tch just like you were before you got involved; and actually found out that nothing is as simple, or easy, as it seems when it comes to being a leader. At any level.

Yatta yatta yatta, that’s all for now.

Life is a journey, each step you take is up to you.
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Game over, do you want another game? Yes? No?

Wow, what a summer and autumn. Happily there is still some autumn left. Part of me is happy about that; part of me is screaming because I don’t have more done. Another part just shuts down and stares. Although I will admit that I am in a much better place than I have been in a while.

Even though I feel like I’ve spewed all over everywhere, as in a gigantic emotional vomit dripping off my blogs; writing and posting has been a benefit in working through all the emotional, physical, financial mess my life has been. Time to pull out the bloody weeds and move on.

Yes there will more than likely be more emotional rollercoaster rides, but I am stronger than I was. Did I hurt some people in my volcanic emotional eruption? Yes I did. Was it deliberate? That question draws a huge blank in my mind. So maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. Frankly it’s more complicated than that.

The events of the past few months have changed my perspective on my childhood big time. Some people I used to accept as being honest and forthcoming I found to be pretty devious. Makes me wonder about a lot of things that I accepted to be true. Perhaps they weren’t.

Actually I think I’ve been a rube quite a bit in a couple of relationships. I was extremely angry and hurt. Now I am not sure where I am with it. Part of me would like to talk things over with her. Another part doesn’t want any part of her.

The “her” in question is my mother. The other relationship is with my cousin. I will be civil to her but I am done running after Linda.

I don’t understand the dynamic there. My husband says they are jealous. Perhaps he is right. Both can certainly be hateful.

Mom used to call me the rich b*tch. Then laugh. Or it was, not all of us are rich b*itches. Makes me wonder just how they would react if I was truly rich financially.

I have noticed that she seems much happier around me when we are in financial crises. Lord knows the past 5 years have put us there more than once. It’s taken a lot to get things turned around at all after hospital bills, and losing my income from the equation.

Frankly it’s time to get healthy and make some money.

Not only make some money, get stable and actually live my life as well. I offered them a way to come along; I am not staying back with them any more. I am moving on; if they want to stay in their self made hell they can. When I visit with them I will be wearing a fireproof suit from now on. At least that is the plan. I am sure there will be some toxic burn here and there.

All the lies and games this year make me wonder what else they’ve been lying about. Pretty disillusioned about that. Yes I am still angry. Very angry. Angry that I walked into it over and over again; because they were family. Family takes care of family. Trying to be the good daughter and actually playing the part of a victim and enabler over and over again.

I have got to get my self out the door and work in the kennels. Have so much more to work through though. Will have to be later.

I wasn’t going to put all this on my blogs. I really felt exposed. All my emotional garbage out there for the world to see.

What if what if what if what if what if.

Well what if nothing, I did it. Sh*t hit the fan; yes even more than it was before, and I am still here. Stronger than I was before. This is a part of me. I am really good at some things, seriously suck at others, intelligent, omg fat, compulsive, have some garbage to work through, beautiful-or so my husband says, alive.

Mainly I am alive. Not dead still in a body. My body needs some work. Seriously, I am sooooo out of shape. I have been slowly killing myself with compulsive eating. I’ve ballooned up to 292 lbs.

I am actually ok with it. The 292 lbs that is. How strange is that. No panic, just a calm. Maybe it’s exhaustion, or just maybe it is the beginning of a new day. I think it’s the beginning of a new day.

Now I do have to go. There is a job that I need to take care of in the kennel that I really do not want to do. But, it is something that needs to be taken care of to be humane. It is one of the hard things. I need to bid an old girl, whose health is failing dramatically, adieu. It’s cruel to make her stay so I am going to help her on her way.

Ok out the door.

Life is a journey, with great gifts come great responsibility. Life is a great gift.
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch

It’s 1:43 a.m. on October 30, 2008.

All hallows eve. Halloween has been one of my favorite holidays my whole life. Maybe I’ll dress up as something and go people watching. I love to see all the different costumes. The kids trick or treating is one of the major things I miss from living in town. I loved watching them. Giving the parents cider and the kids candy.

Mom used to decorate the south wall of our living room in the house on the hill. I loved that house. My childhood home. No paint on the outside walls, but love inside. Halloween, Christmas, the first day of school; those were special days. Making scrapbooks with Cambell kids and vegetables, number flash cards, a toy cow that mooed, a tiny piano. Playhouse downstairs. Johnny Quest on Saturdays. That program scared me so much I felt like monsters were going to come through the basement door. And they did. Human monsters stealing food from our freezer, chasing after a young girl with sexual intent.

Mom was always worried that someone would snatch me up and take me away. Afraid to let me go and visit my father. Who knows maybe I wouldn’t have come back. Might not have been a bad thing. The monsters were already in our house, by invitation. One of Uncle Gene’s strays. I’m not sure what to call the men he would show up with. They never really seemed like his friends. I don’t know. I do know one of them was a sexual predator. I know this because he came after me when I was a very little girl; in our milk barn. The creep’s name was Bill. I remember he had a mustache and very dark hair. Not black hair but very dark. He was white. Younger than Uncle Gene I think. I was small enough that I fit through the hole in the barn wall left by a missing board. I must have been 4 years old. I am not sure how long Uncle Gene and the monster were there. I don’t remember ever seeing that monster again. Uncle Gene never did anything like that to me. Just screamed and yelled, over and over and over and over and over. You never knew what would set him off.

The other monster is dead now. He died in a jeep accident in Turkey. He had gone into the military after high school. I remember that. I was somewhere under 9 years old when he came after me. I crawled under a bunch of mattresses and box springs that were leaning up against a wall in our basement and hid. His name was Hanson. He was the son of one of my mom’s friends. I think he was 8 or 9 years older than I was. I am not sure; maybe older. I am not sure. I remember when he died, not the date but being told that he died a week or so before he was coming home. In a jeep accident. I wonder how many other young girls he went after before he died. I wonder how many that other monster went after. I didn’t tell when I was a child. I just ran and hid.

I wonder why I can’t remember 2nd grade. Its as if the year just disappeared.

Grandma used to make me pretty little dresses for the first day of school. So pretty. Mom made me a sewing box once. I loved it. Sour cream cookies and thunder storms. Granddaddy longlegs and rain. Tiny glass Siamese cats, glass horses, dolls on a shelf. Pillows with fringe. Bandaged legs, and tree fans to swat the flies away. A lion water fountain and the Scottsbluff zoo.

Black and white mechanical rider horse. Bonanza, Gunsmoke, High Chapparel, Combat, Bewitched, Ed Sullivan. Bit’s and pieces of childhood. Mexican music as I was playing by the barn with my troll dolls. I always feel happy when I hear Mexican music. Happy memories of early childhood playing in the warm sun. Safe in the sun. I hid their toys under a board once. Felt guilty about it forever. Felt more at home with Hispanic people than white ever since I was a child. Ironically I am a light skinned white. I had deep red hair, brown eyes, very white skin, and millions of freckles as a child. My hair has darkened, and is now flecked with silver, eyes are still brown, but behind glasses now, way too much fat is hiding my body, still have very freckled arms, although they are darkened somewhat from repeated sunburns over the years.

Have had one skin cancer taken off my face so far.

I have been trying to remember some positive things from my childhood. There was a lot of sh*t, but there were some good things too. Sometimes I wish I had died in that car wreck when I was 14. I woke up so angry in the hospital that I was still here. I didn’t want to be in this body any more. Sometimes I sound like such a whiney sh*t. A whiney tired sh*t.

A whiney tired sh*t that has shut down. Not bathing, buried in food, hiding in the TV, not sleeping for weeks. Actually it has been months since I have slept very well. On the edge of completely flipping out. Flipping back and forth around and around; from angry to a rage, to numb, to so sad, to controllable crying, sit and stare.

Doesn’t really matter whether the tv is on or not. Just sit and stare. Haven’t let myself think about all that insulin in the frig. Best not dwell on it now either.

I remember one Veretekk online meeting where Tom was just livid because some guy he had been working with checked out. He was so pissed that the guy cashed in his chips. I wonder just why he was so pissed. Because he missed the guy, or because he was powerless to stop it from happening. It is a b*tch to be left behind.

People freak out over people punching their own ticket. But you know no one knows what’s going on with that person besides that person. You can’t stop it as an outsider. Yes everyone else is an outsider in this event. Death is a very personal thing.

If I knew for sure that there was peace, internal peace-rest, on the other side if I punched my own ticket. Nothing would keep me here. Nothing.

I know it’s not my time yet. I nearly made it out of here when I had that bowel obstruction. I remember that peace. I crave it now. Total peace, and no it wasn’t the morphine. I had morphine after my last surgery and it didn’t have that effect. Total peace. So wonderful.

I remember that another time. Beautiful darkness; so totally black no light at all. Sinking farther and farther away, then some screaming emt dragging me back to the surface. Dragging me back to the surface light. Dragging me away from no pain, beautiful darkness, and peace to pain and years of physical recovery; and emotional turmoil.

F**king people think they are helping and all they are actually doing is prolonging a prison sentence. Trapped in a decomposing body ensnared in a tornado of emotional pain. Raw jagged pain.

I never knew who that EMT was. That is probably a good thing.

This planet is really beautiful. So much beauty, so much pain.

Life is a journey, walking on a razor's edge, the thin line between life and death
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch

Good by tomato plants: October 13th, 2008

Good by tomato plants; they are very thoroughly frosted this morning. Cloudy days are gone for a bit. Beautiful bright sunshine out there this morning. I do hope it warms up quickly or it will be pretty cold tonight. Clear skies equal colder nights, if the warmer air mass hasn’t come in. Otherwise the cloud cover helps to keep it warmer.

I am going to go out and get the dogs taken care of, then head into Scottsbluff for supplies. I want to make it back home before dark. The ground is still pretty warm and with the colder air, there will be fog tonight. Makes it easier for me to breathe, however I can do without trying to drive in it.

Must empty out my truck before I head to town. I have the back full of dog crates, and the back seat full of paper for the kennels.

10:17 p.m….never made it into town. Spent most of the day frozen in place. Frustrating that is.

You know I am so fed up with the whole bloody mess. I am angry at being put in this position. Angry at myself for allowing it, and livid with being taken advantage of.

Life is a journey, more rocks in the road
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch

Brrr… it is actually snowing a bit: October 12th, 2008

Cold drizzling rain last night on and off most of the night.

I did manage to get most of the meals done for David’s road lunches. Changed a couple out as I was working on the menus. Didn’t finish up last night till around 2:00 a.m. The meals turned out pretty good overall.

I am supposed to be in Torrington at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow. Frankly I really do not feel like getting in there that early. Mornings can be a bit of a bugger for me since this last mess with my back. It amazes me just how fast I get tired. No not tired, exhausted. Both physically and emotionally.

Truthfully I think the major issue is emotional feeding into the physical.

I feel like I am stuck in neutral. Just idling, not fully functional. Barely functional in fact. If it does snow much I won’t be taking that van to the garage in the morning. The roads are already wet, wet ice and snow and I am not trying to get up the hill to the highway.

Supposed to have 6 cords of firewood coming in this week. The coal guy called and said he had a bit of a difficult time coming up with any quality lump coal. Said he was none too happy with what he was able to get; but that it was all he could get.

I think we will take a ton or 2 anyway. I would like to have it stored in the quonset in a big tank. To keep the rain and snow off it. Keep it from deteriorating in the weather. Makes a nice steady heat.

Life is a journey, take another step
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch

Brrrrrrr: October 11th, 2008

Cold rain now, just a miserable drizzle. It is supposed to change into freezing rain then snow. Possibly 1 to 5 inches of snow. Just brr. Frankly I hope we don’t get the snow this time around.

This coming week is supposed to be warmer. In the 60’s. I need to spray the dog runs down again and rake up the mess. Then put bedding in the houses and front of the dog runs.

David had a low blood sugar episode early this morning. I am glad I was here to catch it. I gave him a short can of coke. That usually brings his sugar up; that cold sweat thing means he is pretty far into it. I am glad he woke up. I worry that he just won’t wake up sometime. I’ll sure miss him if that happens.

We postponed the next wave of dogs to go to the staging area. That gives me a bit more time to work through who is going and who is not. I have reduced my kennel down quite a bit. Much more and I am going to lose my various blood lines. Working on the rest of the rescues that came in here. Move more of those out to their new homes. Nice dry warm homes. Rather than cold drizzle. Yes they have dog houses, but it can still be pretty cold when the initial weather changes come on.

David is out of lunches for work so it’s time to cook up some menus so he can take meals with him for the trip to the mines and back. I am not thinking very clearly but I need to figure something out.

Roast beef and veggies
roast pork and veggies
jalapeño sausage w/red beans and rice
stroganoff w/hamburger
Mac-n-cheese w/veggies & hamburger
Lasagna –skillet
polish sausage and cornbread
hamburger steak
biscuits and gravy
beef & bean enchilada layer bake

That’s all I can think of for now. 10 different entrees will work out to 40 meals. Now to get started.

Mom and I tried to work out some more on the dogs. I have been trying to include her in the placement process. I am not sure if that is making it harder or easier for her. She called crying this morning. I did a fair amount of that myself yesterday. It is difficult to let go of the dogs that are going out. But it is better for the dogs. Truthfully if I had some help to work with the dogs it wouldn’t be necessary to place any more.

Change that it wouldn’t be necessary to place any more through the rescues. As difficult as this process has been I am extremely thankful for the help from the rescues. They have been invaluable in this process.

Sorting through them has been quite the job. The initial rescue I have been working with has been handling that process. She is pretty thorough in her research. Thank God! People in rescue run the full gamut from really great to just flat scary. Same as with dog breeders, or any other segment of society.

The septic system is installed at my cousin’s place. The main contractor got in there and wrapped it up pretty quickly. I was very happy to hear that the job was finished. Why my cousin had to play childish communication games is beyond me. Always some nonsense to try and get people to run after her. Then to call my mother and try to create more havoc between my mother and myself and my 93 year old aunt is just way past the limit. Childish pathetic, spiteful, ungrateful hateful, nonsense; that about covers that. No thank-you for stepping up and getting the contractor hired and the job completed. No not from her. Just hateful troublemaking as usual. I will give her this, she at least had enough courtesy to call our aunt and thank her for footing the bill for her septic system.

Makes me sad that such a simple situation was turned into a nightmare by someone that should have just said thank-you.

Nothing I can do about that though. Would have been nice if we could have worked together. Or have been friends, but that just seems impossible. It’s like walking on egg shells with this 50 plus year old woman. You never know when she is going to go sulking off rather than discussing things or following through. Always the whisper, whisper, sneak with her. I don’t know why I expected anything else from her; as long as I can remember she has been this way with me.

From the time I was a child on to now. Unreal nonsense. One of the major things that sticks out in my mind was the bawling temper tantrum she threw at my wedding. Simply because she was asked to wait until the photographer took the main wedding photos; to take her photos, so the flash wouldn’t interfere with his flash, and ruin the photos. She is decent with a camera, would have been great if she had stepped up to help him. But no, she had to have a bawling temper tantrum and run out of the wedding.

Always some temper tantrum or some side dig. Frankly it’s exhausting dealing with her. I am not doing a very good job of just laying it down and moving on. Not at this point.

All of the mess with the septic system, sorting through my mom’s dogs, and placing so many has made my emotions a raw jumble. Doesn’t take much to make them spaz out of control.

Yesterday was a prime example of that. Discuss dogs, and then bawl. Discuss dogs, and then bawl. I got off the phone before I was overwhelmed with emotions. But they were just under the surface, erupting all over the place over and over all bloody day.

Today is an overwhelming sense of sadness and exhaustion. Topped of by a good dose of fear after the episode with David this morning. Really reinforced the issue of having the kennels small enough for me to handle on my own. So far we have been catching the sugar lows, before he goes into a coma. I’ve gotta get myself in check, the last thing he needs when he wakes up is some hysterical female coming unglued.

The irony is that he doesn’t remember what happens when his sugar really drops. So he has no idea why I am so frazzled. When I can’t get my emotions back in check. I stay pretty calm when he is in crisis and just do what ever needs to be done. It’s afterwards that I go bat sh*t nuts.

AAAAARRRRRAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At the top of my lungs!

It’s probably a good thing that he doesn’t remember what it’s like when his sugar drops. Makes it easier for him to live his life.

Good grief it is already 3:13 p.m. Get your butt up and go out to the freezer and get supplies and start cooking before there are no meals ready when he is called to work. Just deal with it. MOVE NOW!

Life is a journey…some days are frazzling.
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch


Good morning old friend: October 7th, 2008

Beautiful autumn morning today. I seriously need to get out the door and work in the kennels. Feed, water, clean, and so on. I am so thankful that I found Cedarcide. That stuff really works on those nasty fleas.

Strictly on contact though. I was going to say that it would have been better if the fleas had never been introduced to our happy hairball home. But then that is obvious.

I did my best, with what I had. At least now I know where to get a non toxic product to kill fleas mosquitoes and a many more nasty insects. This information will come in handy in the future, because you know we will encounter these little monsters again.

25 more dogs went into the first stage of placement this past weekend. My prayer is that each and every one of them gets a loving lifetime home. Never again will I allow myself to be so overloaded that I fall short on individual attention for dogs that I am responsible for. Be they my dogs or rescues. Who am I saying this too? More myself than anyone else.

On the one hand this whole situation has been absolutely horrific; on the other hand it has been an example of how rescue people and breeders can work together for the good of the dog.

People certainly cover the entire spectrum, from the worst of the worst to the best of the best; and everything in between. Doesn’t matter whether they are strictly rescue, work both in rescue and breeding, or strictly breeding. Some are excellent and some are horrific. Then there are the gossip mongers. Wow, what nonsense people can come up with. I think they must be self loathing under their facades. Because they can certainly come up with some hateful, spiteful scenarios. With out a grain of truth. Sometimes I wonder if they have maggots for brains. I don’t know; some people are backbiting hateful creatures. The truly scary things are that people like that have children and or pets.

It can be extremely challenging to weed out the undesirable people. The last thing these wonderful little creatures need is to be put in a situation with a hoarder, or someone that is looking for animals to sell regardless of where they go, or what happens to them. It is sad to see that some people get involved with rescue simply to boost their own poor self images. Or for the kudos you can receive from working in rescue.

You see the same twisted crud in the dog breeding community. Some are for the dollar only, regardless of what happens to the dogs. Others have some twisted self image they feed from the dogs.

Then there are those that are truly there for the dogs. Level headed intelligent caring people that work day to day doing what they do in a consistent manner.

These are the people that I am thankful for. They are the ones that make a positive difference in the dogs' lives and in the lives of the people they come in contact with.

Life is a journey, you encounter all kinds on the trip.
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch

So You think it can't happen to you: October 5th 2008

That could never happen to me; I am a responsible person. I have a plan. I am experienced; I know what I’m doing. I have a plan; a vision in fact. All familiar phrases; seemingly true.
OMG, this year has been an eye opener.

For the love of the dog.
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch

'Daily Affirmation' Video