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Wow, what a summer and autumn. Happily there is still some autumn left. Part of me is happy about that; part of me is screaming because I don’t have more done. Another part just shuts down and stares. Although I will admit that I am in a much better place than I have been in a while.
Even though I feel like I’ve spewed all over everywhere, as in a gigantic emotional vomit dripping off my blogs; writing and posting has been a benefit in working through all the emotional, physical, financial mess my life has been. Time to pull out the bloody weeds and move on.
Yes there will more than likely be more emotional rollercoaster rides, but I am stronger than I was. Did I hurt some people in my volcanic emotional eruption? Yes I did. Was it deliberate? That question draws a huge blank in my mind. So maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. Frankly it’s more complicated than that.
The events of the past few months have changed my perspective on my childhood big time. Some people I used to accept as being honest and forthcoming I found to be pretty devious. Makes me wonder about a lot of things that I accepted to be true. Perhaps they weren’t.
Actually I think I’ve been a rube quite a bit in a couple of relationships. I was extremely angry and hurt. Now I am not sure where I am with it. Part of me would like to talk things over with her. Another part doesn’t want any part of her.
The “her” in question is my mother. The other relationship is with my cousin. I will be civil to her but I am done running after Linda.
I don’t understand the dynamic there. My husband says they are jealous. Perhaps he is right. Both can certainly be hateful.
Mom used to call me the rich b*tch. Then laugh. Or it was, not all of us are rich b*itches. Makes me wonder just how they would react if I was truly rich financially.
I have noticed that she seems much happier around me when we are in financial crises. Lord knows the past 5 years have put us there more than once. It’s taken a lot to get things turned around at all after hospital bills, and losing my income from the equation.
Frankly it’s time to get healthy and make some money.
Not only make some money, get stable and actually live my life as well. I offered them a way to come along; I am not staying back with them any more. I am moving on; if they want to stay in their self made hell they can. When I visit with them I will be wearing a fireproof suit from now on. At least that is the plan. I am sure there will be some toxic burn here and there.
All the lies and games this year make me wonder what else they’ve been lying about. Pretty disillusioned about that. Yes I am still angry. Very angry. Angry that I walked into it over and over again; because they were family. Family takes care of family. Trying to be the good daughter and actually playing the part of a victim and enabler over and over again.
I have got to get my self out the door and work in the kennels. Have so much more to work through though. Will have to be later.
I wasn’t going to put all this on my blogs. I really felt exposed. All my emotional garbage out there for the world to see.
What if what if what if what if what if.
Well what if nothing, I did it. Sh*t hit the fan; yes even more than it was before, and I am still here. Stronger than I was before. This is a part of me. I am really good at some things, seriously suck at others, intelligent, omg fat, compulsive, have some garbage to work through, beautiful-or so my husband says, alive.
Mainly I am alive. Not dead still in a body. My body needs some work. Seriously, I am sooooo out of shape. I have been slowly killing myself with compulsive eating. I’ve ballooned up to 292 lbs.
I am actually ok with it. The 292 lbs that is. How strange is that. No panic, just a calm. Maybe it’s exhaustion, or just maybe it is the beginning of a new day. I think it’s the beginning of a new day.
Now I do have to go. There is a job that I need to take care of in the kennel that I really do not want to do. But, it is something that needs to be taken care of to be humane. It is one of the hard things. I need to bid an old girl, whose health is failing dramatically, adieu. It’s cruel to make her stay so I am going to help her on her way.
Ok out the door.
Life is a journey, with great gifts come great responsibility. Life is a great gift.
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch
307.788.0202
Even though I feel like I’ve spewed all over everywhere, as in a gigantic emotional vomit dripping off my blogs; writing and posting has been a benefit in working through all the emotional, physical, financial mess my life has been. Time to pull out the bloody weeds and move on.
Yes there will more than likely be more emotional rollercoaster rides, but I am stronger than I was. Did I hurt some people in my volcanic emotional eruption? Yes I did. Was it deliberate? That question draws a huge blank in my mind. So maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. Frankly it’s more complicated than that.
The events of the past few months have changed my perspective on my childhood big time. Some people I used to accept as being honest and forthcoming I found to be pretty devious. Makes me wonder about a lot of things that I accepted to be true. Perhaps they weren’t.
Actually I think I’ve been a rube quite a bit in a couple of relationships. I was extremely angry and hurt. Now I am not sure where I am with it. Part of me would like to talk things over with her. Another part doesn’t want any part of her.
The “her” in question is my mother. The other relationship is with my cousin. I will be civil to her but I am done running after Linda.
I don’t understand the dynamic there. My husband says they are jealous. Perhaps he is right. Both can certainly be hateful.
Mom used to call me the rich b*tch. Then laugh. Or it was, not all of us are rich b*itches. Makes me wonder just how they would react if I was truly rich financially.
I have noticed that she seems much happier around me when we are in financial crises. Lord knows the past 5 years have put us there more than once. It’s taken a lot to get things turned around at all after hospital bills, and losing my income from the equation.
Frankly it’s time to get healthy and make some money.
Not only make some money, get stable and actually live my life as well. I offered them a way to come along; I am not staying back with them any more. I am moving on; if they want to stay in their self made hell they can. When I visit with them I will be wearing a fireproof suit from now on. At least that is the plan. I am sure there will be some toxic burn here and there.
All the lies and games this year make me wonder what else they’ve been lying about. Pretty disillusioned about that. Yes I am still angry. Very angry. Angry that I walked into it over and over again; because they were family. Family takes care of family. Trying to be the good daughter and actually playing the part of a victim and enabler over and over again.
I have got to get my self out the door and work in the kennels. Have so much more to work through though. Will have to be later.
I wasn’t going to put all this on my blogs. I really felt exposed. All my emotional garbage out there for the world to see.
What if what if what if what if what if.
Well what if nothing, I did it. Sh*t hit the fan; yes even more than it was before, and I am still here. Stronger than I was before. This is a part of me. I am really good at some things, seriously suck at others, intelligent, omg fat, compulsive, have some garbage to work through, beautiful-or so my husband says, alive.
Mainly I am alive. Not dead still in a body. My body needs some work. Seriously, I am sooooo out of shape. I have been slowly killing myself with compulsive eating. I’ve ballooned up to 292 lbs.
I am actually ok with it. The 292 lbs that is. How strange is that. No panic, just a calm. Maybe it’s exhaustion, or just maybe it is the beginning of a new day. I think it’s the beginning of a new day.
Now I do have to go. There is a job that I need to take care of in the kennel that I really do not want to do. But, it is something that needs to be taken care of to be humane. It is one of the hard things. I need to bid an old girl, whose health is failing dramatically, adieu. It’s cruel to make her stay so I am going to help her on her way.
Ok out the door.
Life is a journey, with great gifts come great responsibility. Life is a great gift.
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch
307.788.0202
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