Friday, September 26, 2014

Choice



Good Morning Peeps…

It is a cool fall morning…. 57F (14 C) supposed to warm up to 92F (33C) today… want to get ranch rounds done before it heats up… I’ve taken the air conditioners out of my windows… kind of regretting that… better on the electric bill though…

Yesterday seemed like a total waste… did not get much done… I needed to keep my legs elevated most of the day… argh… I did manage to shave a dog… poor little bugger… I really did not want to do that… but his coat has died and he had cheet grass in it… I kept hoping I could avoid cutting it all off… he does still have a bit on his head… after I finished he was such a happy camper… I should have done it some time ago it seems… no more cheet grass poking him embedded in his dead coat… this morning I put a shirt on him and he wiggled and danced about… as he went out to play… he will be wearing sweaters and coats this winter… as I do not believe his hair coat is coming back… several years ago he got a bot… I had the vet remove it… I’d never seen one in a dog before… after that his coat began to gradually die… he used to be such a wooly little thing with beautiful glossy black guard hair… still has that bright spirit… but the coat is gone... today he is sporting a yellow and green striped polo shirt… lol…

Saturday the smoker is supposed to come into being... the barrels arrived the day before yesterday... the stove conversion kit is in the quonset... I am curious to see how this all comes together...

I keep trying to write... and one thought starts and drifts off into another... or is written across the page then deleted… as this one may be… as to why… it just is… same has been happening with painting… drumming… I am just tired… so very very tired… I wake up with my arm stretched out across my husband’s side of the bed… I find that I have piled up the bed linens along his side of the bed and curled up to them… without being aware that I am doing so…

I made it into the feed mill in town… for the second time since David’s death… yeah I know what is the big deal about a feed mill… David used to pick up the feed there for our livestock when we had hogs… cattle… goats… sheep… and so on… sometimes they would stack it outside on the dock and when he rolled in from the rail he would go over and load it on the truck to go out to the livestock… other times I would pick it up and we would unload together… or me alone … depending on how the trains rolled in… bought feed for the kennels there for a while too… at any rate… I could barely drive by the place without having a meltdown… I actually made it in there and bought some hen feed… and alfalfa pellets…

While I was there I chatted with another widow… she lost her mate unexpectedly too… a tree took him out while he and some friends were cutting firewood… one moment he was there… then wham… gone… yeah I know… he’s all around you… memories… yatta yatta yatta… there is a huge difference between feeling someone’s presence… even when you know they are ok… and having your partner standing beside you… a huge friggen difference…

No I am not wallowing … or looking for sympathy… neither is she… one step at a time… one day at a time… sounds like such crap… but it is what it is… kinda like picking your way through an overgrown maze… some of those paths are really filled with thorns… and some days they leave you bloody and exhausted… it’s up to you… keep going or don’t keep going… it seems I have something left to do in this life… or I would no longer be here… I don’t know… don’t know how else to look at it… some days I crawl off under one of those thorn bushes… dig in under its thorns and hibernate… eventually I stick my head back out and go do ranch rounds…

There are some abstract pieces… and some mixed media pieces swirling about in my mind… I need to find some canvas and stretch it… these are bigger pieces… I suppose I could put the canvases I have together… number them on their backs… and go for it… then they could be separated and spaced… or watch and see how many different configurations they could go into… don’t know how well that would work with mixed media… but it doesn’t really matter… they tend to take on a life of their own… hmmmm….

Perhaps paint in the colors of the patches and veins showing up on my legs… blues…yellows… reds… purples… use a bit of acid or flame for the fevers burning where those patches are… have some of it fine and defined… then stretched out mottled and twisted as it swells into another shape… use blacks and grays… and dark navy blues clouding around the edges like my vision does when my blood pressure or oxygen levels drop… could use yellows… oranges… reds… perhaps some purples…. Even into black… spiking and fading like the pain that laces its way through my legs… like the rhythms in a discordant beat… feel the music in the pain… feel the pain in paint… feel the rhythms throughout… and breathe… until you breathe no more…

A receptionist at the clinic the other day… asked me how my legs were doing… and then commented that she thought they would be doing better with the weight loss… an innocent enough comment… I get it that she thought that the mess in my legs was created by the extra fat I had packed on… and that they would be all ok once the fat was gone… nope… it is easier to carry this body at 75 pounds lighter… this is true… as to the mess in my legs… as the fat recedes the engorged veins… the discolored patches that come and go… the swelling … all becomes more evident…

It was not caused by the weight gain… and will not be cured by the weight loss… would have been grand if it would have been cured by the weight loss… no I did not do this to myself by getting fat as a house… it is some genetic crap… you just deal with it… or you don’t…

Although… if I chose to come into this life… which frankly I am not so sure that I did… more likely that I pissed in someone’s coffee cup and got sent here… at any rate… If I chose to come into this life… then I suppose that yes I did do this to myself… by said choice… if not … well then not… I don’t know… it is above my pay grade… and is what it is… ya just deal with it… or ya don’t… therein lies the choice…

Well …. That was a ramble… and ranch rounds are waiting…

Ah… I smell alfalfa being cut… it is a sweet scent on the air… the windows are open…

Gratitudes: raw honey (a couple years ago that alfalfa would have shut down my breathing … the raw honey has made a difference in allergic reactions) … black coffee… one laptop that works…

Later taters…


Mary E. Robbins
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Saturday, September 13, 2014

Memories... Boots...Critters and Coffee...




Good Morning Peeps…

I turned on the local fm radio station this morning… they have a program on called grassroots gold… they are playing a series of George Jones songs… it’s older country and western music… it’s stirring memories of David big time… funny thing is he liked 1950’s rock n roll… lol….  Suppose it’s the stories in the songs… David was a story teller… I used to get frustrated with him because he would tell some of his stories over and over… now I am so very glad that he did because they are embedded in my memory… I can almost see the people and places in the stories… hear his voice as he was telling them and see his eyes sparkling and his smile… eyes with flecks of gray… green… gold… brown… sparkling with happiness as he shared a meal and wove a web of stories… how can a person be happy and sad at the same time… I don’t know… but I am… smiling with tears running down my face…

I took the air conditioners out of the windows during the cold snap that just came through… one of them was in David’s gun room… I lingered a while in there… looking about… looked in a couple of tool/tackle boxes… he fishing reels were in there all taken care of and in protective bags… reloading press set up on the table ready go… waiting in its cover… it’s like the whole room is waiting for his presence and deliberate hands…

I used to love to watch him polish his boots… his movement with his hands was so deliberate… steady… firm… solid… seems impossible that he could be snatched out of that body so suddenly… how is that even possible… I am like a skitterbit… hands zipping about… fast fast fast… change directions… flit flit flit… mind is the same way… zip zip zip… attention jumping from one thing to another… he was just the opposite… we were counter balances to each other…

It’s not the same but I still carry him with me… always will… that was part of what the ink on my arm was about… or rather is about… it is our story and a memorial as well… it is unfinished… just  as our lives together were unfinished… still are…

Yesterday I went into town to take care of licensing my jeep and to get some fowl feed… while I was at the farm store I looked at some bogs boots… I’ve been wanting a pair for years but could not wear them… they would not fit around my legs… yesterday I thought hmmmm…. I’m going to try it… OMG! I can wear them… the boot shaft actually went around my leg … over my jeans no less… I couldn’t believe it… I took them off… put them back on again… took them off… put them back on again… walked a bit in them… I really could get them on… and they didn’t hurt…

I heard David in my head .... saying go ahead and get them… he used to get frustrated with me… because I would see something … a coat or whatever… and really like it… then put it back on the shelf after I’d thought of somewhere else the funds could go… seems there is always somewhere else the funds can go… especially out on a farm/ranch… well yesterday I listened to him… I brought the boots home… they will be nice to work in this fall and winter… keep the wet… grass seeds… straw… dirt… weeds… sticks… etc out of my socks… and from sticking my legs and feet… I am so fed up with that… argh… get some work done on that fence without having to tolerate massive amounts of grass seeds sticking in my socks and feet…

74 pounds down… and still going… I did oxycise 3 times this week… will be 4 times as of today… haven’t done it yet but am after I get done writing…

I am wondering now if I can wear some of the dress boots I have in my closet… I had given up on ever wearing them again… actually gave some of them away… it’s not just fat loss… my legs are not swelling as much since I am not eating refined sugars and gluten… thinking that I just may try some of them on later today… got work to do before messing about with them…

Tomorrow there are supposed to be some muscovey ducks coming… they are gray and white ones… I am looking forward to seeing them…

Sammy is doing better… still need to treat his eyes… but they are looking better… he knows his name too… hehehe…. Cute little bugger… there is just something about baby goats…

I have not had the nerve to look at my tomato plants yet… squash looks ok though… so I am thinking the tomatoes probably are too… morning glory vines are still ok… took the blooms out though… hope there are more coming… love morning glories… the potted mums are still blooming… as are the asters…

Gonna grab another cup of coffee and get moving… the critters all need fed… 

Mary E. Robbins







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