Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Good Morning Peep! Memories and Emotions...



Good morning Peeps! No wind and 20 degrees F here this morning… according to the thermometer in my front yard. I am sooooooooo looking forward to being able to say … Good morning peeps… no wind and 60 degrees F in my front yard at the crack of dawn… lol…

So much for reading last night… I got my book… curled up in my chair … tv off and stated to read… I don’t think I made it 20 minutes before I was asleep… I woke up… I’m not sure if it was the Pominators or Sara that woke me. Put some more wood in the stove… covered the cockatiels and headed to bed with the intention of reading a bit in bed… that didn’t happen either. I was out before I got through my prayers. Woke up just before 3 with the light on the night stand still on … turned it off and tried for a bit more sleep… the dogs chased me out around 6 this morning… only because I said no earlier…

The mastiffs have been run out and back in… same for the Pominators… having a mug of tea and honey… and I think I’ll have another go at reading a bit before starting on with the day. This is not a boring book… It’s one I want to read.

High emotional states seem to exhaust me pretty quickly. I had recorded the red carpet and the Oscars to watch and was watching yesterday… skipping over the commercials. I love looking at the dresses the designers come up with. Then on to the Oscars. Wowzers… were there triggers in there. When Adele sang Skyfall I sat there bawling through it… amazing performance. Then when they got to the in memory section. So many have gone on ahead… I bawled my way through that; as well… tear up just writing about it. So many wonderful memories…

I would seem that I am now an emotionally expressive person. Neither David nor I used to be that way. Then he had a stroke in 2001. After that … the emotions came bubbling to the surface. I would be checking to see if he was ok… what I could do to help. My husband was hurting and I wanted to fix it for him…. Make it better… spare him any pain… physical … spiritual…. And/or emotional... Before we both felt emotions… we just didn’t cry at the drop of a memory… stiff upper lip and all that.

The night before last I saw David in a dream… he was wearing a pair of bib overalls that I had hand embroidered an engine across the top front… I remember I stitched the pockets closed once and had to pick out all those stitches and re do them to get the way I had envisioned it. He loved wearing those bibs because I had worked on them for him. He wore them in our engagement pictures … No I did not ask him too. In the dream… I saw him he was standing behind a plate glass window at Wal-Mart looking at me and I was walking across the parking lot to him. Then the Pominators woke me up howling to go outside… before I got to him.

Last night it was my Uncle Clarence… he crossed over several years ago… we were checking out this place… broken doors… torn up walls… supposedly dangerous with wolves or something… turned out it was dogs…. They growled to start with but were friendly when they found out I was friendly and gave them water… part of them looked like they were from our kennels from over the years. Then the dream shifted and it was a prefab or a trailer house with a wood stove in the corner of a great-room. This place was surrounded by evergreen forest and range-land…and the park services were looking for someone to live there and keep an eye on the forest and such for fires … I was asking him if he could put a word in for me… then he said this place was actually by Bridgeport NE … the strangeness of dreams.

In any event… it was good to see both of them.

The book I am trying to read… scratch that… the book I am reading is called Proof of Heaven: A neurosurgeon’s journey into the Afterlife by Eben Alexander, M.D. The grief counselor from hospice brought it by. I am interested to read this man’s story.

This time around I am going to set a timer.. in case I drift back to sleep… this body seems to need an inordinate amount of sleep these days. Fix a cup of coffee and a bite to eat and read for a while… much to do later today.

May you have a wonderful day…


Life is a journey... one breath ... one step at a time...
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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Saturday, February 23, 2013

Musings...



Coughing again this morning. Not quite as bad as yesterday… drank some apple cider vinegar and hot water… that seemed to help clear the mucus out of my throat… had my honey as well… took some generic musinex sinus and 2 aspirin.

Not much for breakfast… part of an English muffin toasted with butter and a bit of grape jelly… probably 2/3 of it… gave the rest to Sara and Diesel.

Thought the washer quit working… turned out to be the plug in electrical tail I was using… thank God for that… at any rate it is working now.

Ran into the widow of a good friend yesterday. She is the wife of the gentleman that used to be our UPS driver that came out to the ranch. Over the years we had become good friends. His body died of pancreatic cancer shortly after he retired. They found out he had it… and 6 weeks later he was gone. He crossed over 2 years ago… I can still see his smiling face when he came with packages and visited a bit… looking at the pom puppies.

It was obvious from visiting with her yesterday that they were best friends and truly loved each other. It is such a gift to have friendship and love like that in this life… on the flip side it is so… what word covers it… there really are none. When they move on ahead and we are still in this life. I miss David so much… feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest…

Ok… just breathe… one breath then another… calm… Here comes another day.

It’s so strange how these bodies react to this kind of stress….not just in humans either. I remember when Miss Priss died. … she was a female cockatiel. She and Pete had been together for years. He went into screaming crying mourning for weeks… he was so devastated that I thought he was going to die….we accepted another cockatiel from my mom that was being picked on and brought him home and put him in the cage with Pete… hoping that having some other bird company would help him. They grumped and fussed at each other… and eventually got along. Now they are 2 grumpy old men hanging out watching TV.

Yes, Pete and Blue hang on the side of their cage and watch TV. Both of them are mourning David… he loved those birds….and always visited with them when he took their sleeping cover off. Pete and Blue, have been together now for …. Geez the time has all run together… well nearly 10 years… Pete has been with us nearly 20. Pete and Priss loved each other… and were together before they came to be with us as well…. Guess I’ll go turn on the morning show for them that they and David used to watch… HLN or CNN… he would flip back and forth, watching them both. He enjoyed Robin Meade and Natasha Curry.

He was so happy that he no longer had to always be on alert for a call from the railroad. He was out there between 36 and 37 years. He was really good at his work… I know this because I worked with him years back. The man knew his stuff.

He loved trains; he and Jerry would go and see the steam engines when they came through. He knew so much about the various engines. I liked to watch the train programs on TV with him and hear him tell about the engines. I had gotten him a couple of Train trip DVDs for Christmas this year… and of course gave them to him early… I always seemed to do that… give him whatever I’d gotten for him as soon as it came in …. Rather than keeping things for holidays and such. Anyway, one DVD was across the United States, and the other was across Canada. It was fun watching them with him.

We talked about how it would be a fun trip… and how when we were feeling better maybe we could go on one of them. Guess he took a different trip.

Another friend’s husband died this week. Another partnership ended early… seems like whenever one goes before the other the partnership is ended early for this life no matter what the actual age is. My thoughts and prayers go out to her.

This life is certainly an ever changing landscape from birth… through childhood… teen years… young adult… middle age… seniors and exit… of course one never knows when that exit is going to slip in there. For my child it was before birth. Just had a few precious moments with his wonderful soul… yes I could feel his presence. No I am not sure the body would be male… doesn’t matter… I look forward to reuniting on the other side… I wonder … has my mom gotten to meet her grandchild now… I hope so. She was so excited… had just bought a baby book … we had just seen his heart beat and listened to it… then our time with him was over and in a rush of hemorrhage he was gone from this life… mom would have been a wonderful grandma to him. She did great with my youngest step son… the older ones didn’t want anything to do with either of us. Broke my heart … broke mom’s heart… and broke David’s heart.

I guess I just do not understand why people are … hmmmmm… how to say this… if someone you love is happy… why not celebrate their happiness. I’ve never understood that. Whether it’s friend or family… whomever the loved one is… celebrate their joy… it takes nothing away from you… in actuality it increases the joy and love in your own life…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins

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Friday, February 22, 2013

Turning Point...



Wicked coughing session this morning. Survived it… yep…I need to work out more… everything works better in this body when it is active.

Thank you for your prayers… love … and thoughts…


Today was a turning point for me. The past few days have been rather horrid… well more than the past few days… truth be told… missing my husband and feeling totally valueless… useless… Well I am NOT useless…

Filled with fear to the point of total overwhelm stripping away self worth and ability. Yes I know I’ve been doing this to myself… I did not want to go on without David. And frankly I felt like a husk of a person without him. I Love him as much as ever… this does not mean that I love him any less… or that I do not miss him… because I do.

However his time to function physically in this life is done… mine is not. So there is a choice to be made… merely exist... degrading into a morass of unending pain and misery… or choose to celebrate David’s life… and continue to live mine. Actually live it... not endure it or hate it... but live it... celebrate the moments... celebrate the gift of love we gave each other and continue to do so...

breathe deep... and savor the air...

I have been hearing a litany of I can’t I can’t I can’t echoing and rebounding through my head … heart… very soul… over and over again.

Deep breath!

I CAN!

Sitting here and staring at the walls in a crushed self destructive mode benefits no one… and frankly it is the very last thing David would have wanted for me. I know he is with me… cheering me on.

I got one dose of I can this morning… the faucet shut off on the side of the house exploded this morning flooding the lower yard with water. I dealt with it… I found the shut off before it completely flooded the yards and managed to get it shut off… and yes I will either replace the shut off that exploded myself… or have help doing it… either way I will get it done.

I am valuable… I am worth something… and I do have much to offer…

Celebrate this gift called life… savor the moment… even if it’s a massive spray of water shooting out of the wall… I took a hold of that spigot and it snapped off in my hand…. Glad I was here when this thing blew… but If I hadn’t been I would have dealt with it anyway.

Done with I Can’t….

I Can…

Celebrate Life
May you walk in peace…



Mary E. Robbins
Life is a Journey... sometimes there are twists in the road...
307.788.0202
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Thursday, February 14, 2013

The first valentines day after...






Happy Valentines Day! Cherish the moments... My wonderful Hubs used to bring me roses... I remember our first “official” date so many years ago... with him standing on my front step in a brown and tan sweater vest... so nervous... and this beautiful bouquet of deep red roses...

Whenever I see roses... I feel how much he loved me... and that he still does from the other side... We got together in 1990... married 1991... still together alive through most of 2012... he crossed the veil and we still love each other across the veil from now until I have the release to cross over as well...

Love is a lot of different things…

Sometimes it’s the froth and fluff of romance that is portrayed in the movies and books… but that is just the froth of it. Like the foam on a cold glass of beer… and frankly it lasts just about as long… I admit it… I enjoyed the froth of it. The fun of exploring a new relationship… the surprise when someone you have known for years comes up with a bit of fun … the froth comes and goes… comes back up again… and ebbs…

Sometimes it’s the day to day… the touch on an arm … a kind word… or silence… a meal enjoyed together… presence…

Sometimes it’s picking up the other person’s dirty laundry… or not bitching about dishes dropped… or taking part in an activity that is the other person’s joy and not your own…

Sometimes it’s kind… a warm safe place…

Sometimes it’s sacrifice… one’s dreams put aside to be with the other….

Sometimes it’s a simple conversation… the give and take of it… or just listening in silence …

Love is never having to say you are sorry… ok… now that is a flat out lie… when you love and you do something crappy… and you will do something crappy… say you are sorry… take responsibility for your thoughts and actions… that is love too…

Love can be pure joy… sharing a moment together…

Love can be the cruelest of agony… pain beyond words… that rips and tears through your very core… yes that is love too. When one moves on to the other side and the other is left in this life … it is the height of cruelty… yet it is as it is. Do I regret loving and being loved by my husband… even knowing this… no I do not….and I love him still…

As most things in this life… Love is a choice. A decision …a commitment.

As what you do with it, is also a choice.

Today I choose to live another day…
Today I choose to love my Husband…
Today I choose to Celebrate Valentines Day…
Today I choose to give thanks for the day…

Love is a Choice… beyond the emotion… Love is a Decision…


Mary E. Robbins
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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I actually slept






Good Morning Peeps! So much for a nap at 7:30 last night. I meandered into the bed rather than the couch… and that was all she wrote… I remember Diesel getting up into his spot on the bed… snuggling down into the covers… said my prayers and I was out. I did not wake up until the Pominators set off their morning howl… and this morning that was at 3:40 a.m.

No nightmares…no cold sweats and chills… just blessed sleep. I know I dreamed something … but do not consciously remember what it was at this point. I have not slept that long, straight through in … geez I can’t remember when. It is usually sleep 2 to 3 hours … get up head to the bathroom… check the stove. Check on David… Check on Mom… do what ever needed to be done and head back to bed… in 2 to 3 hours do it all again…

Happily the wood stove still had hot coals in it as well… so got the fire going again easily while I was running the Mastiffs and Pominators outside for their morning potty run. Of course they all did the yard rounds … making their security patrol… the large and the small of it.

Then after they were all back inside… I heard Mow Mow Tat growl… yes my cat growls… she heard a vehicle motor and the Pominators exploded and the Mastiffs hackles and back hair went up and they headed for the door. Some truck had gone rumbling by… probably someone taking the gravel roads across to the railroad depot.. or a rancher that was up taking care of cattle calving. I suppose it could be someone not home from the bars and partying yet… but they usually do not come back on these gravel/dirt roads. Sara and Diesel grabbed a bite to eat… and are now back on the couch… the Pominators are back in their beds… as for me… I am heading to the kitchen for a mug of coffee and getting on the recumbent stationary bike for a morning peddle. I’ve got my water… gonna get my coffee and get my peddle on…


Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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Wednesday, February 06, 2013

We had treasures today...






We had treasures today... 6 eggs... all the hairballs taken care of... fed... watered... and biscuit treats each and every one... I love watching them go after those treats... the house hairballs got baked squash for treats...

Good meeting with grief counselor... had a good visit with a girl friend as well. Spent part of the day reading a book I had started some time ago. Getting my food consumption back into a healthy mode as well.

It's quiet... no tv on... and none of the hairballs are barking...

The air is cool...not cold... with moisture and a hint of sweet in it. Wonderful scent to the air. Cloud cover all day...makes me wonder if the storm front they are forecasting is closer than they thought... The air feels like it's waiting for something... all hushed like just before the storm...

Sara just came in the office... and turned to go back into the living room... she has a serious wiggle on... looking back over her shoulder wagging her tail... doing her best grin... Diesel is curled up on the couch...

Mow Mow Tat... gave Susie (grief counselor) the biggest compliment today... she came out of hiding to say hello to her... she is the first person other than David and I that Mow Mow Tat has come out of hiding for...

All in all it has been a good day... going to go get a cool glass of water and read some more... then head to the recumbent bike for a ride... time to start moving... I would like to be able to ride my regular bicycle this summer...


Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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Saturday, February 02, 2013

greet the day





Had a bit of whole grain banana bread...and some fresh coffee for breakfast... gave the house hairballs some baked squash... Heading out to do ranch rounds... the sun is shining... the wind is calm... it is a lovely 27 degrees F... supposed to warm up to 48 today... I stepped outside today just as the sun was coming up... with the moon still in the sky... greeted the day and gave thanks for the sun to light the day... and the moons blessing of light at night... it is amazing the difference starting the day with a moment of thanks and wonder can make... may your day be filled with peace and joy... and your night a blessing of rest...




Even though my husband has crossed over the River Styx   ... he is forever my best friend... even across the veil...






"The only difference between needing more and having enough is your attitude. At any time, in any circumstance you always have the option of deciding that you are enough and that you already have enough for the moment you're in!" ~ Ralph Marston


Dear ones.... Yes You!   You Are Enough!

Life is a journey...may you walk in peace...
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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