Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Wow... I am Actually Free...

Wrote this post sitting in Sheri’s Restaurant. The first time in years that I’d written into a notebook rather than directly to my computer… I started writing a bit after 6 am… when I stopped it was after 11 am. To say it’s rather long would be the understatement of the year…

Shipped Grizzy to his new forever home this morning. I’ll miss hiss happy face. However; I know he is going to a wonderful home filled with love and 3 Pom playmates.

Had to be at the airport at 5 a.m. to make his 6 a.m. flight. Sent him in a larger crate than had planned; but it worked out better for him anyway. So that was a good thing. As I set here writing this he is arriving in Denver, then heading on to Texas then New York.

Full day ahead. I stopped at Shari’s for breakfast before I started the rest of my errands in Scottsbluff. Strong hot coffee and a good breakfast. Great way to fuel the day. Frankly after this breakfast I won’t be, needing much more “fuel” for the entire day. Lol.

The past few days have been tension filled and trying. It was wonderful to sit down and enjoy my breakfast in peace.

Whatever real or manufactured crisis’s that comes up will just have to be handled (or not) by those directly involved.

Oh, and yes my cell phone is shut off as I am writing this. I’m actually writing in a notebook. As in a spiral paper notebook, lol. It’s been a very long time since I’ve done this. Usually I sit at my computer and write.

That has been a major challenge since April 14th. The day my mom’s house burned down and we brought her to live with us.

She has needed a lot of care and attention. Which;’ has been a major adjustment for the both of us.

This has been quite the interesting year. I think it’s a Chinese proverb that says “may you lie in interesting times”. Not sure if that’s a curse or a blessing, lol.

This year has certainly been “interesting”.

Late March: 2nd major blizzard of the winter- Had to pull the entire kennel inside. Snow drifts buried the fences (fences are 52 inches high) and outside yards. Dug dog houses out so could take dogs in. The dog houses are 52 in high, 4 ft wide, 7 ft long. BURRIED. Thankfully, they were dry inside.

Fell off a snow drift, injured my right leg. Unable to bend knee. Muscles so traumatized and swollen from glutes to heel that the leg wouldn’t work. Hyper extended knee, and knocked it out laterally as well. Took several months of healing and rehabbing to bring leg back into normal function. Knee is still questionable (11/16/09) when it comes to getting down on hands and knees.

First week in April. Third major blizzard of the season. Using hinged brace to hold knee. Kneel has to be taken care of. David (husband) is gone on railroad ¾ of the time, and exhausted when is actually home.

April 14th, 2009 – House fire. Good by 100 years of accumulated memorabilia. Good by to mom’s house pets-they burned. Nearly, good by to mom. The neighbors saw the fire when putting their kids to bed. Jumped the fences, broke in the door, and grabbed mom. Put her in a broken power wheel chair and drug her outside. No one knew the wheel chair was broken. Her home, her birds, her dogs, everything she had; burned. Mom went into shock. The pain and loss of her pets and home too much for her to bear. She lost the ability to move her legs, lost her comprehension, and slipped into a severe depression. It was questionable as to whether she would survive the emotional trauma, let alone recover. (A Dear friend named Pat Munn, was invaluable help during this time. Frankly I don’t think I could have kept mom here without her aid. – and in the state she was in I don’t believe she would have survived a transfer to a nursing home)

Mom is still unable to stand, has severe swelling in her legs and feet; however she can move her feet and I heard her humming a tune yesterday. She has become very close with one of our house babies. She and Peanut have adopted each other. I think this has played a major part in her recovery process thus far.

May 2009 – Aunt Marty died. She was mom’ older sister. A great lady indeed.

After mom’s house burned and she came to be with us. Her brother, Clarence, who lived on the same acreage slipped into a depression, then dementia, had a hellish several months and died. This was in August.

Mom is now the only sibling still living. She had 1 sister and 5 brothers. Martha B.-(Aunt Marty), Eugene –(Unk), Clarence-(Stubby), Delbert-(Buss), Dale, Jim.

Throughout all tis my husband’s blood sugar has been all over the place. Too high, then way too low. Three times he’s crashed and I’ve brought him back out of an extreme sugar low. Cold skin, soaked in sweat, fixed pupils, confused, comprehension lacking or gone. No memory of event after necessary blood sugar levels restored. Yes I bring him back. Bu I always wonder… what if I miss it. What if I’m gone or sleep through it. Why is this happening at home, and not at work? Ah ha! He’s not taking his insulin at work.

I’ve shut down my business, for the most part, for another year. This year. Of course the overhead continues; whether you have sales or not. Ask any small business person; they’ll tell you.

Year before last I stepped into a rescue operation that I mistakenly thought would take a month or two. It turned into a 2 year nightmare. I felt sorry for the dogs so I said yes when I was asked to take responsibility for their care. OMG!!!!!!!!!

It was a nightmare getting rid of the vermin they were infested with; fleas, and a variety of nasty worms. Fencing climbing, biting Feral dogs scared out of their minds.

Most of them are placed now. All to f the infestation is gone. YAY!!!!!!!! Cedarcide kills fleas, as well as their miserable nasty eggs, in case any one needs help with that. It actually works better than everything else I tried. Believe me I tried all the typical remedies. Goodwinol shampoo has cedar oil in it now too. Does a fine job on the miserable little monsters.

I so HATE FLEAS! The rescue operation blew our dog numbers up over 200. That is way way way too many. Never Again!

I’ll help if possible, but I WILL NOT bring a mess of dogs on property again! EVER!

I was a good hearted fool! People I thought I could count on; I found out I could not. The emotional blackmail made a very difficult situation absolutely horrendous. No more!

The situation was complicated and exacerbated by a crushing back injury. It was questionable as to whether I would be walking; or be confined to a wheel chair. Back surgery was recommended, but with so many dogs counting on me for feed, water, etc. It was an untenable option. (August 2008) With the help of a very good chiropractor the pressure on my spinal cord was relieved and the business of rebuilding my core muscles continued.

It was made very clear that physically I could not continue as I had been.

On a positive note; there was a person that stepped up and helped greatly to sort out the nightmarish situation. She worked tirelessly coordinating the placement of these poor dogs. Frankly I don’t know what I would have done without her.

Back to this year (2009).
June 2009- Dad came to visit from Minnesota. It was great to see him. We snatched some moments in the evenings to sit in the zero gravity chairs out under the evergreen tree. Drank hot black coffee, smoked a cigar and visited. Good memories. Pop is 82. There is some kind of knot on the base of his skull behind an ear that he refuses to have checked out. His choice. I hope we are able to see each other again in this life.

David was on vacation in June. He slept the most of it. I spoke with out doctor about it. She said the exhaustion is a result of the instability in his blood sugar levels.

A few days ago David came home from work with an ashen look to his face. He told me there had been an accident on the rail. The first question I asked was “was anyone killed?” This time the answer was yes. A man David had known and worked with for over 30 years had died on the rail that day.

Every day David goes to work I wonder if he is coming home alive. That day the answer for that man’s family was no. No more: friend, no more husband, dad, granddad.

Then I thought of the conductor and engineer that were on the train that hit him. His death they will carry with them always. Even-though, there was absolutely nothing they could do to prevent it.

Now bring on the crap letter from Susan Dennis. This is not an - Oh poor me I got a crap letter from a loathsome person thing.

That crap letter actually jump started a thought process. Looks like all things have their purpose, even though it can be difficult to see it at the time.

I know what was written was false. I know that she is an irrational abuser from past experiences with her.

Something is off here. Why was there such a strong reaction in me?! It’s not because she is important to me. Truth be told I care nothing for the woman. I’d rather she was not in my son’s life, but that is not my choice.

She is about as significant as an annoying house fly that was smashed by the flyswatter on a white cabinet.

So, what’s the friggin deal?!

Maybe the reaction that letter elicited in me is due to my history of growing up with a verbally/emotionally occasionally physically abusive uncle. Never knew when he would go off. Try to run your horse down with a truck, beat your dog to death, slam you on the floor, scream at you till you couldn’t think. It was never the same from day to day. One moment he was John Wayne in a great old western, the hero! The next he was Freddy Krueger on a bad acid trip!

Mom was no slouch with the verbiage or the switch whip either. Or a horse halter when it was handy.

No clear boundaries other than do what I say when I say it. Whether you understand what I said or not.

Then deny it. It never happened. Really? Then why is the dog dead, and where did the bruises and welts come from? But you are my family, you couldn’t have done that. You love me, I must have deserved it. I must have done something wrong. I must be Responsible!

Doesn’t matter what it is. I am responsible. There must be something I can do to make things better. To make you happy. To take care of you.

There is a dog starving in China.
I’m responsible!

There is a cat run over by a car in Georgia.
I’m responsible!

My mother’s house burned.
I’m responsible!

My Adult Step daughter hates.
I’m responsible!

The world is going to end in 2012.
I’m responsible!

Facebook is slow today.
I’m responsible!

My husband’s blood sugar is out of whack.
I’m responsible!

My husband has a temper tantrum.
I’m responsible!

You are not happy with your financial situation.
I’m responsible!

Your adult kids are hitting you up for money.
I’m responsible!

It snowed and ruined your plans.
I’m responsible!

***** What Friggin Hubris!
Know what, I’m responsible for everything and everyone.

No wonder I’ve been having anxiety, panic attacks, mood-swings, suicidal depression over the years.

Good grief. Yeah that’s it. I gave myself a good – as in very large- amount of grief. Emotional pain and frustration galore.

An “interesting year” and a crap letter led to an epiphany!

Guess what?! I am not all powerful. I am NOT the fix it all lady!

I have been given a wonderful gift. All of that weight; the weight of responsibility for everything and everyone has fallen off.

To all those that have taken advantage of my erroneous sense of responsibility. Guess what?! It’s bloody well over!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow… I am actually free…

I am free to enjoy my life. Without the guilt of other people’s choices.

I am responsible for my life.
I am responsible for my choices.

You are responsible for your life.
You are responsible for your choices.

You are responsible to teach your children – and set them free to live their adult lives and make their own choices.

Some things just are what they are.

I am free to live!
I am free to live in JOY!

You can be free Too!

Life is a journey, lighten the load and the hike is much more pleasurable...

Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream in Wyomiing.
Happy Healthy Hairballs: Otherwise known as Beautiful Pomeranians

Independent Team Beachbody Coach: Helping you help yourself.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Hateful Rantings of an Abusive Woman: Susan Dennis

Unfortunately, Yes some women are abusers too.

Yesterday we, as in my husband, David and I received a bit of the worst behavior from a person I had not spoken with, nor had contact with since the last spate of nasty letters. Last time it was in email form right about the same time of year. Actually in her previous attack she waited until after Thanksgiving to start her tirade. This tirade took place in 2005; while I was recovering from prolonged life threatening illness and the resulting major surgery. Frankly it caught me totally off guard, and I made the mistake of trying to have a reasonable conversation with her.

Major mistake; it is impossible to have a reasonable conversation with a person that is totally unreasonable. Previously as in this time there were no conversations leading up to her irrational attack. Just the attack; and the resulting emotional turmoil.

This time, as in last time, she requested that I keep her tirade a secret. Foolishly last time I did not publish her behavior. In keeping her secret I inadvertently enabled her to repeat her behavior without fear of exposure. I foolishly thought by simply having no contact with this person I could avoid her abusive behavior. I was wrong.

One of my friends asked me a very valid question; and suggested a course of action. “Why should you be complicit in her abuse of you? I'd publish the letter verbatim and give her full credit.” She was right, by keeping her secret I was being complicit.

I thought about this throughout the day and following night. I reread the tirade. Starting to think oh well let it go maybe it will go away. No it won’t it escalates. Sadly this seems to be typical behavior in people on the receiving end of abuse. Myself included.

That maybe it will change, or maybe it will go away or they didn’t really mean to be abusive. Whether it’s verbal, emotional, or physical abuse; it does not just go away. By the way, they did mean it. Every bit of it.

By keeping her “secret” I put myself in the position of victim to her abuse. No thank you. I will not empower this abusive person. Just as I am responsible for my words and actions. She is responsible for her words and actions.

Here is her hateful libelous abuse in her own handwriting. With my response following.

What she says in her irrational rant is untrue. Yes, I can prove that her tirade is untrue.

This hateful person’s name is:
Susan Dennis
2317 East C Street
Torrington, WY 82240

If you have dealings with this person. Keep in mind that the person you are really dealing with; behind the smiling mask, is the person that wrote the following hateful letter.

Sadly this ranting person is my youngest step-son’s mother-in-law.

I refuse to be the victim: to her abusive bullying behavior. Oh and by the way. No I will not be baited into a physical confrontation.

Her unprovoked irrational attack makes me concerned for my son and daughter-in-law.

The truly sad thing is that our wonderful son has Huntingtons. We love him very much. He always has been and always will be welcome in our home.

There is also a comment regarding my mother. My mother’s home burned to the ground in April of this year. It was a total loss. This home had been in our family for over 100 years. No there was no insurance. My mom lost everything in this fire, home, personal property, family photos, her beloved pets. She has since been living with us. As a result of the stress of the fire she has lost the ability to transfer herself from wheel chair to chair etc. On a bright note she is now able to move her feet, so we have high hopes that she will be able to stand again. She is 82 years of age.

Right click on the photo and open it, in a new tab, or new window, and it will enlarge to full size. I scanned her letter so there could be no question as to the author of said disturbed missive.

Page one of Susan Dennis's irrational abusive tirade:

Page 2 of Susan Dennis's abusive unprovoked tirade:

My Response:

Enough! I will not keep your secret. I will not be your victim!

True enough, this attack has saddened me.

It brings to mind a very difficult transition for my step daughter; Donna. She had a very difficult time adjusting when her father and I were married in 1991. She was a young adult at that time. She has since moved to another city and is raising her two wonderful boys.

I can't help but wonder what the logic behind Susan's attack is. If there is any at all. I have had very little contact with this woman over the years. Frankly I've avoided her like the plague. Who knows perhaps that is part of the problem. In truth I've avoided her because of her behavior. She does not have to like me. If she wants to burn up energy hating me that is her choice. It really makes no difference to me.

However I will not condone her behavior by keeping it secret. I will not allow her to abuse me or victimize me.

I chose to not be a victim. If someone is abusing you. You do not deserve it! It is not your fault. Get help!

Victim-Assistance Online
Victim Assistance Online is a reference, resource and networking centre for international victim assistance community, including victim assistance ...

Life is a journey, how you live it is your choice. You can choose to not be a victim!
I choose to not allow a hateful woman steal my dream.

Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream in Wyoming
Beautiful Pomeranians

Independent Beachbody Coach: Fighting Obesity One Person at a Time

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

I do not believe I would have been so gracious

The video clip is from the Passion of the Christ. I haven't worn a cross since I watched it. I don't know that I ever will again.

Considering what He could have done, and what He chose to do instead; I am amazed. I am thankful for His sacrifice. Yet, it was a very good thing that it was not me. Perhaps that is why I am still here in this life; rather than home.

I do not believe I would have been so gracious


My Savior Loves My Savior Lives Lyrics



My Savior Loves My Savior Lives Lyrics

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior

I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior

full lyrics

more Casting Crowns lyrics

Life is a journey, because of His Sacrifice I am free to be.

Mary E. Robbins

Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream in Wyoming
Beautiful Happy Healthy Hairballs: Otherwise Known as Pomeranians

Independent Team Beachbody Coach: Fighting Obesity One Person at a Time

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

RealClearPolitics - A Record You Can Believe In

I saw a link to this article on my facebook page. It struck a chord with me. Today must be my political day. Actually I read some rabid political nonsense this morning and it stuck in my throat; so to speak. So political articles and such are jumping out at me today. I found this to be very interesting and worth a repost. I hope you find it informative as well.

Life is a journey, some days are real trips
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream in Wyoming
Beautiful Pomeranians

Independent Beachbody Coach: Fighting Obesity One Person at a Time.

RealClearPolitics - A Record You Can Believe In
By Eugene Robinson

WASHINGTON -- It's been a year since a healthy majority of American voters elected Barack Obama to change the world. Which is precisely what he's doing.

Like many people who desperately want to see the country take a more progressive course, I quibble and quarrel with some of President Obama's actions. I wish he'd been tougher on Wall Street, quicker to close Guantanamo, more willing to investigate Bush-era excesses, bolder in seeking truly universal health care. I wish he could summon more of the rhetorical magic that spoke so compellingly to the better angels of our nature.

But he's a president, not a Hollywood action hero. Most of my frustration is really with the process of getting anything done in Washington, which is not something Obama can unilaterally change, nimbly circumvent or blithely ignore. One thing the new administration clearly did not anticipate was that Republicans in Congress would be so consistently and unanimously obstructionist -- or that Democrats would have to be introduced to the alien concept of party discipline. It took the White House too long to realize that bipartisanship is a tango and that there's no point in dancing alone.

Step back for a moment, though, and look at Obama's record so far. His biggest accomplishment has been keeping the worst financial and economic crisis in decades from turning into another Great Depression. Yes, the $787 billion stimulus package was messy, but most economists believe it was absolutely necessary -- and some believe it should have been even bigger. Yes, Obama continued the Bush-era policy of showering irresponsible financial institutions with billions in public funds. Yes, the administration bailed out the auto industry -- and we actually heard the president of the United States reassure Americans that General Motors warranties would be honored.

But these and other actions convinced the financial markets that the White House would do anything to avoid a complete meltdown. The economy grew at a rate of 3.5 percent in the third quarter and, while unemployment may not yet have peaked, the odds of a strong and fairly swift recovery have greatly improved.

Responding to the crisis required creating an enormous fiscal deficit that Obama will spend years trying to cut down to size. But not even the most conservative economists recommend attacking the deficit before the economy is stabilized on a path of growth. Only Republican demagogues think that's a good idea.

On national security, Obama moved at once to categorically renounce torture -- a big step toward removing the ugly stain that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney left on our national honor. It looks as if Obama will miss his self-imposed one-year deadline for closing the Guantanamo prison, but a delay of a few weeks or months will be worth it if the administration succeeds in developing a comprehensive legal framework -- consistent with our ideals and traditions -- for bringing terrorism suspects to justice.

Obama should have supported a full-blown investigation into apparent Bush-era violations of national and international law. And, at a minimum, he should allow the limited torture probe ordered by Attorney General Eric Holder to follow the evidence wherever it might lead.

But at least the administration is on schedule in withdrawing combat troops from Iraq. I don't think Obama knows the right answer on Afghanistan; I'm not sure anybody does.

Obama's months in office have been so action-packed that it's easy to forget some of the historic steps he has taken: Nominating Justice Sonia Sotomayor, the first Hispanic, to the Supreme Court. Going to Egypt and speaking directly to the Muslim world about cooperation rather than conflict. Embracing multilateralism as the template for U.S. foreign policy in the new century. Accepting the scientific consensus on climate change. Investing in "green" jobs and education reform as key engines of economic development.

And then there's health care reform. I've been impatient with Obama's strategy of letting Congress take the lead on writing legislation, but he's brought us to the brink of truly meaningful reform much faster than anyone could have imagined a year ago. We still have some fighting to do over two words -- "public" and "option" -- but it looks clear that the principle that everyone is entitled to health insurance, a Democratic Party goal for at least six decades, is about to become law.

Quite a record for 287 days: All that, and a Nobel Peace Prize, too.

reposted from: Real Clear Politics

Health Care Insurance Reform

First Lady Michelle Obama discusses it as a woman, and as a mom:

The video is from First Lady Michelle Obama, the following post is my writing. Full of my opinions and such.

Over the past 10 years health care has become a predominant issue in our lives. Now all in all we have good insurance. If there is such a thing. Even with the insurance it was a major financial struggle to not declare bankruptcy.

This year has brought the inconsistencies from state to state to the forefront of my mind. After my mom's house burned down. I looked at having her placed on our insurance. Can we say pre-existing conditions. Totally pointless. Every issue she has is a pre-existing condition, she is 82 years of age. Yes she has medicare. She is also on an extremely limited income.

We are working with the state programs to supplement her insurance. She wants to retain at least a semblance of independence.

Insurance, needs to be consistent from state to state. What is available, what isn't. The way things are set up now is a confusing nightmare.

Another instance. A friend of mine that lives in Montana. Her first name happens to be the same as mine, Mary. Mary F lost her husband a couple of years ago after difficult illness. Now she is on her own. She is running her own small business, receiving a bit of a social security check from her husband's income, and tending bar as well. This is a proactive, woman that takes care of business. Not a sit and whine take care of me woman. She is not eligible or medicare, and can not afford insurance coverage.

This past year she became ill and had to have surgery. Now she is being hounded for the medical bills. She is already paying them 400.00 per month and they are hounding her non stop. She is facing medical bankruptcy. This is just wrong!

Case after case after case of the same kind of crap! OMG, can we say price gouging! If you look for any supplies for senior care or for disabled people suddenly the prices are multiplied drastically.

Even with insurance, my husband's and my prescription costs, have tripled over the past 3 years. Our copay has tripled in amount. I look at the small business owners, farmers, ranchers, and I know that most do not have insurance that covers prescriptions, if they have any insurance at all. What choices are they having to make. Keep an employee or buy the drugs your body needs to function. How's that for a choice.

Something needs to be done! Sorting out what to do, and actually accomplishing positive change is the challenge.

Difficult enough without all the propaganda, and outright lies, as well as fear-mongering, those opposed to ethical treatment of all US residents are broadcasting every which way.

Party Politics seriously needs to be put aside for the good of the Nation as a whole. Do I see that happening? Unfortunately no I do not. The ironic thing is, that I used to be a Republician. At this point I am totally disgusted with the self serving manipulative behavior this political party has exhibited.

No Longer a Republican!

By the way, yes I did vote for Obama. Is he going to be able to work miracles. Get a grip people, of course he isn't. Is he going to be able to make a difference? He already has. I don't know how much he is actually going to be able to accomplish while in office; but he has set the ball in motion. It is a major challenge for any President to accomplish major change in this country due to the unmitigated party politics that always seems to ensue.

Every dirty trick in the book is usually pulled out and tested to see if it will work to trip up the process for change. Sad commentary on those utilizing such tactics! Honor obviously does not come into play in their political, business, or personal policies.

Yes I am a natural born U.S. citizen. Yes I love my country. This is my physical home. Yes I am disgusted with some of the unethical practices I've observed over the years. Both in the private and public sectors.

Here is another thought. Licensing for doctors, nurses, cna's, dentists, insurance agents, etc should be on a national basis. Not by individual state. Why? To keep the licensing requirements consistent across the country, and to flag unscrupulous individuals.

Just a thought or two...

Life is a journey, engaging your brain changes the view...

Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream in Wyoming
Beautiful Pomeranians

Independent Beachbody Coach: Fighting Obesity One Person at a Time

'Daily Affirmation' Video