Wow... I am Actually Free...

Wrote this post sitting in Sheri’s Restaurant. The first time in years that I’d written into a notebook rather than directly to my computer… I started writing a bit after 6 am… when I stopped it was after 11 am. To say it’s rather long would be the understatement of the year…

Shipped Grizzy to his new forever home this morning. I’ll miss hiss happy face. However; I know he is going to a wonderful home filled with love and 3 Pom playmates.

Had to be at the airport at 5 a.m. to make his 6 a.m. flight. Sent him in a larger crate than had planned; but it worked out better for him anyway. So that was a good thing. As I set here writing this he is arriving in Denver, then heading on to Texas then New York.

Full day ahead. I stopped at Shari’s for breakfast before I started the rest of my errands in Scottsbluff. Strong hot coffee and a good breakfast. Great way to fuel the day. Frankly after this breakfast I won’t be, needing much more “fuel” for the entire day. Lol.

The past few days have been tension filled and trying. It was wonderful to sit down and enjoy my breakfast in peace.

Whatever real or manufactured crisis’s that comes up will just have to be handled (or not) by those directly involved.

Oh, and yes my cell phone is shut off as I am writing this. I’m actually writing in a notebook. As in a spiral paper notebook, lol. It’s been a very long time since I’ve done this. Usually I sit at my computer and write.

That has been a major challenge since April 14th. The day my mom’s house burned down and we brought her to live with us.

She has needed a lot of care and attention. Which;’ has been a major adjustment for the both of us.

This has been quite the interesting year. I think it’s a Chinese proverb that says “may you lie in interesting times”. Not sure if that’s a curse or a blessing, lol.

This year has certainly been “interesting”.

Late March: 2nd major blizzard of the winter- Had to pull the entire kennel inside. Snow drifts buried the fences (fences are 52 inches high) and outside yards. Dug dog houses out so could take dogs in. The dog houses are 52 in high, 4 ft wide, 7 ft long. BURRIED. Thankfully, they were dry inside.

Fell off a snow drift, injured my right leg. Unable to bend knee. Muscles so traumatized and swollen from glutes to heel that the leg wouldn’t work. Hyper extended knee, and knocked it out laterally as well. Took several months of healing and rehabbing to bring leg back into normal function. Knee is still questionable (11/16/09) when it comes to getting down on hands and knees.

First week in April. Third major blizzard of the season. Using hinged brace to hold knee. Kneel has to be taken care of. David (husband) is gone on railroad ¾ of the time, and exhausted when is actually home.

April 14th, 2009 – House fire. Good by 100 years of accumulated memorabilia. Good by to mom’s house pets-they burned. Nearly, good by to mom. The neighbors saw the fire when putting their kids to bed. Jumped the fences, broke in the door, and grabbed mom. Put her in a broken power wheel chair and drug her outside. No one knew the wheel chair was broken. Her home, her birds, her dogs, everything she had; burned. Mom went into shock. The pain and loss of her pets and home too much for her to bear. She lost the ability to move her legs, lost her comprehension, and slipped into a severe depression. It was questionable as to whether she would survive the emotional trauma, let alone recover. (A Dear friend named Pat Munn, was invaluable help during this time. Frankly I don’t think I could have kept mom here without her aid. – and in the state she was in I don’t believe she would have survived a transfer to a nursing home)

Mom is still unable to stand, has severe swelling in her legs and feet; however she can move her feet and I heard her humming a tune yesterday. She has become very close with one of our house babies. She and Peanut have adopted each other. I think this has played a major part in her recovery process thus far.

May 2009 – Aunt Marty died. She was mom’ older sister. A great lady indeed.

After mom’s house burned and she came to be with us. Her brother, Clarence, who lived on the same acreage slipped into a depression, then dementia, had a hellish several months and died. This was in August.

Mom is now the only sibling still living. She had 1 sister and 5 brothers. Martha B.-(Aunt Marty), Eugene –(Unk), Clarence-(Stubby), Delbert-(Buss), Dale, Jim.

Throughout all tis my husband’s blood sugar has been all over the place. Too high, then way too low. Three times he’s crashed and I’ve brought him back out of an extreme sugar low. Cold skin, soaked in sweat, fixed pupils, confused, comprehension lacking or gone. No memory of event after necessary blood sugar levels restored. Yes I bring him back. Bu I always wonder… what if I miss it. What if I’m gone or sleep through it. Why is this happening at home, and not at work? Ah ha! He’s not taking his insulin at work.

I’ve shut down my business, for the most part, for another year. This year. Of course the overhead continues; whether you have sales or not. Ask any small business person; they’ll tell you.

Year before last I stepped into a rescue operation that I mistakenly thought would take a month or two. It turned into a 2 year nightmare. I felt sorry for the dogs so I said yes when I was asked to take responsibility for their care. OMG!!!!!!!!!

It was a nightmare getting rid of the vermin they were infested with; fleas, and a variety of nasty worms. Fencing climbing, biting Feral dogs scared out of their minds.

Most of them are placed now. All to f the infestation is gone. YAY!!!!!!!! Cedarcide kills fleas, as well as their miserable nasty eggs, in case any one needs help with that. It actually works better than everything else I tried. Believe me I tried all the typical remedies. Goodwinol shampoo has cedar oil in it now too. Does a fine job on the miserable little monsters.

I so HATE FLEAS! The rescue operation blew our dog numbers up over 200. That is way way way too many. Never Again!

I’ll help if possible, but I WILL NOT bring a mess of dogs on property again! EVER!

I was a good hearted fool! People I thought I could count on; I found out I could not. The emotional blackmail made a very difficult situation absolutely horrendous. No more!

The situation was complicated and exacerbated by a crushing back injury. It was questionable as to whether I would be walking; or be confined to a wheel chair. Back surgery was recommended, but with so many dogs counting on me for feed, water, etc. It was an untenable option. (August 2008) With the help of a very good chiropractor the pressure on my spinal cord was relieved and the business of rebuilding my core muscles continued.

It was made very clear that physically I could not continue as I had been.

On a positive note; there was a person that stepped up and helped greatly to sort out the nightmarish situation. She worked tirelessly coordinating the placement of these poor dogs. Frankly I don’t know what I would have done without her.

Back to this year (2009).
June 2009- Dad came to visit from Minnesota. It was great to see him. We snatched some moments in the evenings to sit in the zero gravity chairs out under the evergreen tree. Drank hot black coffee, smoked a cigar and visited. Good memories. Pop is 82. There is some kind of knot on the base of his skull behind an ear that he refuses to have checked out. His choice. I hope we are able to see each other again in this life.

David was on vacation in June. He slept the most of it. I spoke with out doctor about it. She said the exhaustion is a result of the instability in his blood sugar levels.

A few days ago David came home from work with an ashen look to his face. He told me there had been an accident on the rail. The first question I asked was “was anyone killed?” This time the answer was yes. A man David had known and worked with for over 30 years had died on the rail that day.

Every day David goes to work I wonder if he is coming home alive. That day the answer for that man’s family was no. No more: friend, no more husband, dad, granddad.

Then I thought of the conductor and engineer that were on the train that hit him. His death they will carry with them always. Even-though, there was absolutely nothing they could do to prevent it.

Now bring on the crap letter from Susan Dennis. This is not an - Oh poor me I got a crap letter from a loathsome person thing.

That crap letter actually jump started a thought process. Looks like all things have their purpose, even though it can be difficult to see it at the time.

I know what was written was false. I know that she is an irrational abuser from past experiences with her.

Something is off here. Why was there such a strong reaction in me?! It’s not because she is important to me. Truth be told I care nothing for the woman. I’d rather she was not in my son’s life, but that is not my choice.

She is about as significant as an annoying house fly that was smashed by the flyswatter on a white cabinet.

So, what’s the friggin deal?!

Maybe the reaction that letter elicited in me is due to my history of growing up with a verbally/emotionally occasionally physically abusive uncle. Never knew when he would go off. Try to run your horse down with a truck, beat your dog to death, slam you on the floor, scream at you till you couldn’t think. It was never the same from day to day. One moment he was John Wayne in a great old western, the hero! The next he was Freddy Krueger on a bad acid trip!

Mom was no slouch with the verbiage or the switch whip either. Or a horse halter when it was handy.

No clear boundaries other than do what I say when I say it. Whether you understand what I said or not.

Then deny it. It never happened. Really? Then why is the dog dead, and where did the bruises and welts come from? But you are my family, you couldn’t have done that. You love me, I must have deserved it. I must have done something wrong. I must be Responsible!

Doesn’t matter what it is. I am responsible. There must be something I can do to make things better. To make you happy. To take care of you.

*****
There is a dog starving in China.
I’m responsible!

There is a cat run over by a car in Georgia.
I’m responsible!

My mother’s house burned.
I’m responsible!

My Adult Step daughter hates.
I’m responsible!

The world is going to end in 2012.
I’m responsible!

Facebook is slow today.
I’m responsible!

My husband’s blood sugar is out of whack.
I’m responsible!

My husband has a temper tantrum.
I’m responsible!

You are not happy with your financial situation.
I’m responsible!

Your adult kids are hitting you up for money.
I’m responsible!

It snowed and ruined your plans.
I’m responsible!

***** What Friggin Hubris!
Know what, I’m responsible for everything and everyone.

No wonder I’ve been having anxiety, panic attacks, mood-swings, suicidal depression over the years.

Good grief. Yeah that’s it. I gave myself a good – as in very large- amount of grief. Emotional pain and frustration galore.

An “interesting year” and a crap letter led to an epiphany!

Guess what?! I am not all powerful. I am NOT the fix it all lady!

I have been given a wonderful gift. All of that weight; the weight of responsibility for everything and everyone has fallen off.

To all those that have taken advantage of my erroneous sense of responsibility. Guess what?! It’s bloody well over!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow… I am actually free…

I am free to enjoy my life. Without the guilt of other people’s choices.

I am responsible for my life.
I am responsible for my choices.

You are responsible for your life.
You are responsible for your choices.

You are responsible to teach your children – and set them free to live their adult lives and make their own choices.

Some things just are what they are.

I am free to live!
I am free to live in JOY!

You can be free Too!

Life is a journey, lighten the load and the hike is much more pleasurable...

Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream in Wyomiing.
Happy Healthy Hairballs: Otherwise known as Beautiful Pomeranians
Independent Team Beachbody Coach: Helping you help yourself.
307.788.0202