The "window" of relationship - Vibrant Nation

It is a window through which you can pass (to become ever closer, to get married, to create a stronger friendship), or a window that you can pass by.
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Posted on Tuesday, May 04, 2010 by LucyBHoffman

I have a friend who was once close. I think I could say that we still have a certain aspect of closeness, mostly based on past history, but the situation between has dramatically altered. There was a time in our lives when we were at similar posts on the road. Mile marker "selfish." That is a judgmental way of stating it, nevertheless true. It may have been because of the choices we made in our lives previously. But those are our choices. We spent a few years sharing our own selfish desires. Participating together. Providing cover. Somehow, I thought I was a very different friend for her. I thought I was someone whom she would never hurt nor betray. Those were parameters which I set up for myself. As long as I was willing to be part of the relationship on her terms, then we were close. Once I challenged that and refused to continue to offer support for things that I felt unsupportable, the relationship shifted. She was able to turn her back on me for a period of months. Since that time, although we have made momentary attempts to try to get back to where we once were, it has never worked. We have not regained the trust and the dependency we once had.

I believe it is because we both grew past the window. The "window" is my theory of relationships. It is a window through which you can pass (to become ever closer, to get married, to create a stronger friendship), or a window that you can pass by. Sometimes life makes the choice of which one you do. Sometimes you make the choice.

In this example, I'm not sure which one happened. But for whatever reason, passing by that window became the choice for me. I stopped wanting to try again with her. After the pain of being put aside, and ignored, I realized an important thing. In many ways, this friendship was a recreation of my relationship with my mother. An "I'm there in the bad times for you to talk to but not depend on" kind of relationship. A "you do all the work and all the planning and I may show up or I may cancel" type of friendship that does not represent friendship at all in my eyes. Others I'm sure would not find this necessarily an un-salvageable friendship, but we all carry different emotional baggage. If I didn't have this as a mother/daughter relationship, there is a good likelihood that it would not create the emotions of abandonment and loneliness which it has in the past.

I don't want to continue or work on relationships in which I feel abandoned. That is not where I will allow my efforts or feelings to go or to grow. I want to work on friendships in which something/much is returned. I have those in my life, and I have more and more happening. I think that is part of my own growth, that I have begun to choose better in regards to my own needs. When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

Last night I received an email from this friend stating she would like to send me a letter. I know that it has become difficult for her to deal with my lack of interest. Her desire is that life remain the same, and three former friends find a way back to where they once were. That time is gone. Perhaps as old ladies we can once rock and chat and re-establish a connection that is now forced. That will remain to be determined. For now, I will accept the reaching out that rarely happens, and keep on letting it go. It makes me feel healthier.

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I was having my morning coffee and perusing my facebook account  when I came across the above post to Vibrant Nation.  It struck a chord with me as it is an issue that I have been dealing with in my own life.



Life is a journey, sometimes the faces of those we travel with change...
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch
307.788.0202

When Someone Hurts You: Not Fair? or, Not Right? - Vibrant Nation

The following is a post from vibrant nation... something to think about. It was of value to me... I hope it is to you as well.

Life is a journey, enjoy the trip.
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch
Fitness & Weight Loss Consultant
307.788.0202


When something goes awry, we have two ways of viewing the circumstances in order to make sense of them.

Let's use an exaggerated example to make the point: Let's say you promised your sister that if you win the lottery, you will write her a check for $100,000. Then, let's say you did not win the lottery. How would you feel if your sister told you and anyone with ears that you owe her $100,000, and that you refused to honor your word, which was nothing more than a cruel lie?"

You might say, "That's not fair!"

If so, ask yourself, "What is it that is not fair?"

Your answer might be: what my sister did to me--what she said about me--is not fair.

In this way, you can give voice to your perception that an injustice has been done. Your sister did something that hurt you, and you think about it in terms of fairness.

It is a very likely in this case that you will also think in terns of a perpetrator and a victim. To boil it down further, you feel that your sister has done something to you and that you are the victim of her behavior: she has twisted your good intention into a promise, which she claims you failed to honor. She is not being fair to you.

In other words, you react to this injustice by declaring yourself the victim. You stand accused of something you did not do. Not fair.

But another reaction to the same situation could be, "This is wrong."

Ask yourself, "What is it that is wrong?"

Your answer: The way my sister treated me--what she said about me--is wrong.

The situation shifts. The focus is no longer on you as the victim of someone else's bad behavior. It is now on the idea that your sister made a decision that is wrong. Her analysis of the facts is incorrect. She made a mistake.

The fact is that mistakes like this probably make her feel miserable. Remember that only a miserable person would feel a need to do something like what she did to you in the first place. No one misconstrues the truth like that out of happiness and contentment.

I'm not suggesting that you rush to embrace your unfortunate sister for her weak discernment skills. To the contrary, I believe that her choices create her life, and that her life is probably full of things she has created which she now trips over regularly. Which are not your responsibility.

The point I am trying to make is that your sister's behavior is not about you unless you choose to make it about you. You may choose to see her lie about the lottery money as a misguided departure from the truth, or you may choose to see it as something mean she has done to you.

You choose to see the incident as being unfair or wrong.

Of course, the incident described above is both: it is unfair and it is wrong. But if you choose to see it only as unfair, you are likely choosing the role of victim for yourself, a role that is not inherent in the facts of the case.

I bring this up because I see it as a way to set yourself free. Allow the choices someone else makes to reflect on her, and believe that the consequences of her choices pave the path of her life. In this way you can see that you are not part of the equation: you do not have to accept her wrong view of something just because she wants you to accept it.

This is your choice, and the same applies to you as to your sister: your choices pave the path of your life. Why litter it with misconceptions about the behavior of others, litter that can trip you and make you feel like a victim, powerless to change anything or move forward until justice is done? Victims are stuck. You don't want to be stuck, do you?

Something can be both unfair and wrong, and it can affect you deeply, but it doesn't have the power to mandate your response. That response is yours to choose.


When Someone Hurts You: Not Fair? or, Not Right? - Vibrant Nation

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