Friday, September 26, 2014

Choice



Good Morning Peeps…

It is a cool fall morning…. 57F (14 C) supposed to warm up to 92F (33C) today… want to get ranch rounds done before it heats up… I’ve taken the air conditioners out of my windows… kind of regretting that… better on the electric bill though…

Yesterday seemed like a total waste… did not get much done… I needed to keep my legs elevated most of the day… argh… I did manage to shave a dog… poor little bugger… I really did not want to do that… but his coat has died and he had cheet grass in it… I kept hoping I could avoid cutting it all off… he does still have a bit on his head… after I finished he was such a happy camper… I should have done it some time ago it seems… no more cheet grass poking him embedded in his dead coat… this morning I put a shirt on him and he wiggled and danced about… as he went out to play… he will be wearing sweaters and coats this winter… as I do not believe his hair coat is coming back… several years ago he got a bot… I had the vet remove it… I’d never seen one in a dog before… after that his coat began to gradually die… he used to be such a wooly little thing with beautiful glossy black guard hair… still has that bright spirit… but the coat is gone... today he is sporting a yellow and green striped polo shirt… lol…

Saturday the smoker is supposed to come into being... the barrels arrived the day before yesterday... the stove conversion kit is in the quonset... I am curious to see how this all comes together...

I keep trying to write... and one thought starts and drifts off into another... or is written across the page then deleted… as this one may be… as to why… it just is… same has been happening with painting… drumming… I am just tired… so very very tired… I wake up with my arm stretched out across my husband’s side of the bed… I find that I have piled up the bed linens along his side of the bed and curled up to them… without being aware that I am doing so…

I made it into the feed mill in town… for the second time since David’s death… yeah I know what is the big deal about a feed mill… David used to pick up the feed there for our livestock when we had hogs… cattle… goats… sheep… and so on… sometimes they would stack it outside on the dock and when he rolled in from the rail he would go over and load it on the truck to go out to the livestock… other times I would pick it up and we would unload together… or me alone … depending on how the trains rolled in… bought feed for the kennels there for a while too… at any rate… I could barely drive by the place without having a meltdown… I actually made it in there and bought some hen feed… and alfalfa pellets…

While I was there I chatted with another widow… she lost her mate unexpectedly too… a tree took him out while he and some friends were cutting firewood… one moment he was there… then wham… gone… yeah I know… he’s all around you… memories… yatta yatta yatta… there is a huge difference between feeling someone’s presence… even when you know they are ok… and having your partner standing beside you… a huge friggen difference…

No I am not wallowing … or looking for sympathy… neither is she… one step at a time… one day at a time… sounds like such crap… but it is what it is… kinda like picking your way through an overgrown maze… some of those paths are really filled with thorns… and some days they leave you bloody and exhausted… it’s up to you… keep going or don’t keep going… it seems I have something left to do in this life… or I would no longer be here… I don’t know… don’t know how else to look at it… some days I crawl off under one of those thorn bushes… dig in under its thorns and hibernate… eventually I stick my head back out and go do ranch rounds…

There are some abstract pieces… and some mixed media pieces swirling about in my mind… I need to find some canvas and stretch it… these are bigger pieces… I suppose I could put the canvases I have together… number them on their backs… and go for it… then they could be separated and spaced… or watch and see how many different configurations they could go into… don’t know how well that would work with mixed media… but it doesn’t really matter… they tend to take on a life of their own… hmmmm….

Perhaps paint in the colors of the patches and veins showing up on my legs… blues…yellows… reds… purples… use a bit of acid or flame for the fevers burning where those patches are… have some of it fine and defined… then stretched out mottled and twisted as it swells into another shape… use blacks and grays… and dark navy blues clouding around the edges like my vision does when my blood pressure or oxygen levels drop… could use yellows… oranges… reds… perhaps some purples…. Even into black… spiking and fading like the pain that laces its way through my legs… like the rhythms in a discordant beat… feel the music in the pain… feel the pain in paint… feel the rhythms throughout… and breathe… until you breathe no more…

A receptionist at the clinic the other day… asked me how my legs were doing… and then commented that she thought they would be doing better with the weight loss… an innocent enough comment… I get it that she thought that the mess in my legs was created by the extra fat I had packed on… and that they would be all ok once the fat was gone… nope… it is easier to carry this body at 75 pounds lighter… this is true… as to the mess in my legs… as the fat recedes the engorged veins… the discolored patches that come and go… the swelling … all becomes more evident…

It was not caused by the weight gain… and will not be cured by the weight loss… would have been grand if it would have been cured by the weight loss… no I did not do this to myself by getting fat as a house… it is some genetic crap… you just deal with it… or you don’t…

Although… if I chose to come into this life… which frankly I am not so sure that I did… more likely that I pissed in someone’s coffee cup and got sent here… at any rate… If I chose to come into this life… then I suppose that yes I did do this to myself… by said choice… if not … well then not… I don’t know… it is above my pay grade… and is what it is… ya just deal with it… or ya don’t… therein lies the choice…

Well …. That was a ramble… and ranch rounds are waiting…

Ah… I smell alfalfa being cut… it is a sweet scent on the air… the windows are open…

Gratitudes: raw honey (a couple years ago that alfalfa would have shut down my breathing … the raw honey has made a difference in allergic reactions) … black coffee… one laptop that works…

Later taters…


Mary E. Robbins
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Saturday, September 13, 2014

Memories... Boots...Critters and Coffee...




Good Morning Peeps…

I turned on the local fm radio station this morning… they have a program on called grassroots gold… they are playing a series of George Jones songs… it’s older country and western music… it’s stirring memories of David big time… funny thing is he liked 1950’s rock n roll… lol….  Suppose it’s the stories in the songs… David was a story teller… I used to get frustrated with him because he would tell some of his stories over and over… now I am so very glad that he did because they are embedded in my memory… I can almost see the people and places in the stories… hear his voice as he was telling them and see his eyes sparkling and his smile… eyes with flecks of gray… green… gold… brown… sparkling with happiness as he shared a meal and wove a web of stories… how can a person be happy and sad at the same time… I don’t know… but I am… smiling with tears running down my face…

I took the air conditioners out of the windows during the cold snap that just came through… one of them was in David’s gun room… I lingered a while in there… looking about… looked in a couple of tool/tackle boxes… he fishing reels were in there all taken care of and in protective bags… reloading press set up on the table ready go… waiting in its cover… it’s like the whole room is waiting for his presence and deliberate hands…

I used to love to watch him polish his boots… his movement with his hands was so deliberate… steady… firm… solid… seems impossible that he could be snatched out of that body so suddenly… how is that even possible… I am like a skitterbit… hands zipping about… fast fast fast… change directions… flit flit flit… mind is the same way… zip zip zip… attention jumping from one thing to another… he was just the opposite… we were counter balances to each other…

It’s not the same but I still carry him with me… always will… that was part of what the ink on my arm was about… or rather is about… it is our story and a memorial as well… it is unfinished… just  as our lives together were unfinished… still are…

Yesterday I went into town to take care of licensing my jeep and to get some fowl feed… while I was at the farm store I looked at some bogs boots… I’ve been wanting a pair for years but could not wear them… they would not fit around my legs… yesterday I thought hmmmm…. I’m going to try it… OMG! I can wear them… the boot shaft actually went around my leg … over my jeans no less… I couldn’t believe it… I took them off… put them back on again… took them off… put them back on again… walked a bit in them… I really could get them on… and they didn’t hurt…

I heard David in my head .... saying go ahead and get them… he used to get frustrated with me… because I would see something … a coat or whatever… and really like it… then put it back on the shelf after I’d thought of somewhere else the funds could go… seems there is always somewhere else the funds can go… especially out on a farm/ranch… well yesterday I listened to him… I brought the boots home… they will be nice to work in this fall and winter… keep the wet… grass seeds… straw… dirt… weeds… sticks… etc out of my socks… and from sticking my legs and feet… I am so fed up with that… argh… get some work done on that fence without having to tolerate massive amounts of grass seeds sticking in my socks and feet…

74 pounds down… and still going… I did oxycise 3 times this week… will be 4 times as of today… haven’t done it yet but am after I get done writing…

I am wondering now if I can wear some of the dress boots I have in my closet… I had given up on ever wearing them again… actually gave some of them away… it’s not just fat loss… my legs are not swelling as much since I am not eating refined sugars and gluten… thinking that I just may try some of them on later today… got work to do before messing about with them…

Tomorrow there are supposed to be some muscovey ducks coming… they are gray and white ones… I am looking forward to seeing them…

Sammy is doing better… still need to treat his eyes… but they are looking better… he knows his name too… hehehe…. Cute little bugger… there is just something about baby goats…

I have not had the nerve to look at my tomato plants yet… squash looks ok though… so I am thinking the tomatoes probably are too… morning glory vines are still ok… took the blooms out though… hope there are more coming… love morning glories… the potted mums are still blooming… as are the asters…

Gonna grab another cup of coffee and get moving… the critters all need fed… 

Mary E. Robbins







Saturday, June 07, 2014

Humpf...



Hello Peeps… little irony in that pic… since that is exactly what I am not doing very well today…

The beef mushrooms and onion is in the oven… the desert is made and cooling… all that is left is the asparagus… watermelon… and to grind coffee… but alas it seems some are not coming… and now I wonder if any are… I do not know…

Frankly the way I am feeling today… I would like to get in my jeep and just drive… and keep driving… but then who would take care of my critters… no I am not feeling sorry for myself… grief and pain has knocked me sideways today… perchance it is a cloudy gray morning that has prompted it…

More than likely it is the selfish inconsiderate actions of a person that hurt a friend of mine… what I would not give to spend just a moment with my husband… then to see this person crap all over time that was to be spent with my friend and then see this person working to cause a rift between two friends… trying to rip them apart… as well as trying to get between one friend and his wife… argh… nasty creature is playing them off against each other…

Both friends seem to be blind to the insidious game she is playing… all the while she is crying innocence… may her true face be known by them both before it is too late… and may their eyes be opened and understanding of what actually is … fill their minds and being…

I really do not like false women… suppose I should change that to false people… since I am not fond of false males either… manipulative nasty creatures… too bad we cannot simply shove them into a huge tar pit and let them thrash about on each other until they simply were no more… alas … that does not seem to be an option… it can be difficult to sort them as some are very good at hiding their true intentions… argh…

Made me think of a very old star trek episode where they had this truth machine… it showed whenever a person was false… what a lovely tool to have that would be….

I am so not a fan of this kind of crap…

I could have done without this grieving slam today… truly… I thought I was past a lot of the pain… I suppose I am… but that does not mean there is not more coming… seriously I could do with some Kevlar to block it… ugh… not sure how that would work though… since the pain is coming from inside… life’s little twisted ironies… I have heard time heals all wounds… ha! That is so not true… perhaps in time we learn more of how to integrate the loss… the pain… I know there are actually moments of joy in my life now… not at present… but at times… and that is more than it was… I know David is always with me… but there are times … like right bloody now… that his physical death is simply unbearable…

Hey it looks like a straight road ahead… then no… add sinister laughter here … it’s a switchback… grief slam… wham… watch the human squirm…

Ok Mary… step away from it… much easier said than done… gotta do it somehow or it’s a nasty downward spiral into a morass of pain much worse than today… and today was no bloody picnic.. well maybe it was… a Texas Chainsaw Massacre picnic… rip out her heart she doesn’t need it any more… wwwhhhhaaaaa…. Yes I know I have a twisted sense of humor… it is a coping mechanism…

Kinda makes ya wonder what is going on in Stephen King’s mind… hehehehe…. oh what a mind… what a mind indeed… wonder if Christine is on Netflix… David and I used to watch that movie together… yes he was more than old westerns … gotta bit of twisted horror flix in there too… Such a guy… a kinder heart no one had… a trusting loyal soul… and so much strength… it was so hard to watch the meds steal his physical strength… he could pick up an engine block back in the day…

Those wonderful hazel eyes…shifting colors from green… brown and gold flecks… and gray… and arms that could hug you until the end of days… and then his body died… and that beautiful soul was free of its mortal trap…

It seems I have more to do here… but frankly some days I am pretty friggen useless… I am thankful for the time we had and the love we have… but man this is a bloody nasty ultra-marathon… yes back in the day I ran distance… David was a sprinter… and a football player… and a bare knuckle fighter … and lifter… well … both of us were lifters… he raced cars… I rode horses…

He told me about some of the races they got into… about the sounds of the motors… the speed… I told him about some of the mischief I got into on horseback… we were a good team and put each other first… did not always agree with each other … but had each other’s backs no matter what…

Well at least I am semi functioning… can’t see very well… bawling my face off tends to do that to me… but I am still here… pecking away at a keyboard… listening to the quiet tick of the clock… the sound of a dove calling outside… and some song bird twittering… yes my front door is open… the day is still overcast and gray… like it is waiting… holding it’s breath for something… Mow Mow Tat is asleep on her shelf… the convection oven is doing it’s fan noise…

I am going to go throw some cold water on my face and prep some asparagus for dinner… I may be eating it alone… but it will be tasty just the same… and I have not eaten much today… stomach tends to go foobar when I am upset as well…

Later taters…


Mary E. Robbins
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Friday, June 06, 2014

anxiety rollercoaster...



Wow… anxiety just went into hyperdrive… I so hate this… such a simple thing … and I have really triggered… yes I grabbed the rescue remedy… hate that feeling like ya are going to hurl all over the place… feel like I am in freefall… ok… breathe… calm… breathe … calm…

Cooking dinner for some friends tomorrow evening… now it looks like there may be one more coming… there is plenty of food… it’s not that… it’s just another person in my house… I have met this person before… and she was actually supposed to be here last week… and did not make it… I just triggered… argh… ok… I am not cancelling… I am going to do this… I don’t care how bad this rollercoaster ride gets… I am doing this… if I step back now… I will be putting a bar back up on a prison window… one I have been working on ripping out of there…

I have been outside most of the day… came in to cook and eat lunch… fixed lambsquarters a bit of chuck… cantaloupe … and some tomato… I loaned my internet to a friend for work this morning… so I have not been online most of the day… I did ranch rounds… planted the flower pots in my front yard… and was pulling the field grass and bind weed out of my irises… I am going to head back out there and try to work some of this off…

Need to pull the meat out of the freezer for tomorrow’s dinner… I miss David so much… my Kaizen drum got here late yesterday afternoon… I played it for a while last night and a bit today… I know he would have loved it… I hope he can hear it…

June is the month David had been taking vacation before he retired… it is also the month my Pops came to visit for several weeks… they are probably hanging out together on the other side… I am trying to make it here… but this afternoon I have sure slammed into a wall of pain … anxiety… panic… and grief…

Wow… ya think you are doing ok… then it’s like walking on a road with switchbacks… you think you have gone quite a ways… then you find you are right back there in the thick of it… gotta love triggers and emotional flashbacks… anyone for skipping through a mine field today… whoo ha…

Wowzers… cycled through that pretty fast… I am hitting the wtf was that all about point now… ppphhhhtttt!!!!!!... and pisssed… gggrrrrrrr…. Yes I am growling… yanking that grass out should give some satisfaction… actually wouldn’t mind beating the stuffing out of the boxing bag… friggen sinuses are totally stuffed now… seriously…

I am going to play with my drum a bit more before doing a video… the first video will be short and freestylin… sometime after that dinner… just going to use the lap top to do it… so nothing fancy… hope the sound picks up… because the tones are wonderful… I am loving this drum… I may write some tunes later… but for now it’s just feelin it…

Still kinda shaky but leveling off… hey who needs a carnival for a rollercoaster ride… saw a deer walking along the railroad tracks yesterday as I was driving the jeep down the gravel road by my place… was beautiful… no I did not have my camera…

Aaccckkk… my nose is totally stuffed up… gonna heat up some water for something hot to drink… yes probably coffee… yeah ok… it’s coffee… 6 big pots in the front yard… 1 scented geranium, 1 pot purple verbena, 1 pot red geranium, 1 pot coleus, 1 pot red geranium, 1 pot dusty miller… put some Johnny jump ups around the geraniums… these big pots are sitting beside the kitty kennel.. so the kitties were reaching out and playing with my hair as I worked… Larry was sitting on top of their house just having a grand time batting the hair on top of my head around… and so was Curly…

My garden is a massive weed bed… eventually I’ll get to it… ah well… anybody want to have a week yankin party… yank that weed… now shake it all about… grab another … stand up and shout…

Yeah ok… I am past it… friggen anxiety attack… guess this is what I mean by writing my way though it…and yes I did stop and play with my drum a bit…

Timer is going off… gonna pour some coffee… this time it is weak coffee… re-used my grind from this morning’s coffee in the French press… nose is opening back up… went and used some of that lung cleanse stuff… seems to help… so it is pour some coffee… have some hot… and go get the meat out of the freezer to thaw… and pull some more grass… then take a break …

Later taters… may peace fill you…


Mary E. Robbins
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Tuesday, June 03, 2014

another transition day




Wow… today is another transition day… my energy levels recharged as the thunderstorms rolled by… wonderful… sat out in the yard and had a smoke and watched the clouds for a bit … a smoke offering so to speak… Gaia (the earth) had her groove on today… amazing cloud formations… as the thunder storms rolled by to the north and east of us… snapped some pics… hoping some of the amazing beauty and energy comes through…

I have been working on processing asparagus most of the day… some in quart bags… some longer spears in gallon bags… and some short chops in quart bags… not done yet… I am enjoying the process … actually have some in the cast iron dutch oven with some olive oil and a bit of steak cooking for dinner… I can hear it sizzling as I write… yes I am going to stop writing for a bit and eat my dinner… yum…

Yesterday I was in the asparagus field picking for 2.5 hours… give or take a bit… then decided I wanted to keep as much as possible in the form of longer spears… so I climbed into the jeep and dashed into town for some gallon freezer bags…

An antelope ran across the highway right in front of my jeep on the way into town … I am happy to be able to say the brakes worked well… so no I did not hit it… I was right behind another vehicle… and it ran right between the 2 vehicles… poor thing was so scared it was bug-eyed…

Picked up some flock raiser for the young ducks and geese… beef back ribs and a roast for this coming Saturday’s dinner… some bacon for my breakfasts… garlic powder… coarse ground black pepper… blue corn chips… an orange… some radishes… a cucumber… and dashed back home… checked on the chest freezer to see if it was still running… re positioned it… you know that thing is pretty heavey… yes even empty it is pretty heavy for me to move… scraped up some more mess off the Quonset floor… did ranch rounds… ate dinner… and… crashed on the couch as gunsmoke was playing in the background… crashing was not my intention… but aw well… guess the body was just done…

I was just zzzzzz out for several hours… woke up and brought the hairballs back inside… along with the Muscoveys and mastiffs…

Sat outside a bit with the mastiffs and enjoyed the beauty of the sky… totally amazing… dark grey… dazzling white… rolling shifting in movement… moving fast… total calm… rushing wind… then calm again… and the sun came dazzling back out… I walked around looking at different angles… and directions… then sat down at the yard table and enjoyed the rest of my cigar with my mastiffs… as I was sitting there it dawned on me that the chair I was sitting in… was actually comfortable… as in I fit in it without being pinched… last year at this time that chair would have actually been painful to sit in…

Weight loss update… yesterday morning my weight was down to 244.8 lbs… 69 pounds down and still going…

Later: It is now 10:59 p.m. and I just finished with the asparagus for the day. Took me a while to get through this… I packaged and froze 48.81 lbs of asparagus today… that makes a total of 65.83 lbs frozen altogether… you know what… I am tired.

The transition… I mentioned earlier… or perhaps it is the result of a transition… came about during a conversation with my cousin. She decided to plant a barb in me… used to be these verbal barbs really hurt me… and would trigger me most times… I noticed a well placed barb by another person the other day… that would have sent me reeling in the past… so what is the point… I am actually kinda amazed… and relieved… both barbs had little to no effect… other than to make me say to myself… well that was nasty… jealous much… neither one of them had any real negative effect on me… other than showing me a bit of the negative attitudes they carry… yes I am moderating my speech…

Kinda amazes me… makes me smile too… I am free of that nasty game… and am actually starting to see it in play… interesting… hmmmmm… well they can live any way they choose too… but then they get to deal with the consequences of their choices too… just as the rest of us get to deal with the consequences of our choices… I am making the conscious choice to be free of their nasty negative little games… you know that is kinda cool… yes I am smiling… really friggen tired… but smiling…

Yatta …. Yatta… yatta… that’s all folks… I am putting my feet up… and will more than likely fall asleep in the recliner…
 
Mary E. Robbins

Sunday, June 01, 2014

rockin on a sunday mornin...



Good Morning Peeps…

Ahhhhhh…. That first sip of coffee in the morning… dark… hot… black… with an edge of bitter…. Steaming in the cup… sliding over my lips… swirling around my mouth… caressing my tongue with flavor and sensation… before gliding down my throat…. mmmmmmm…. Yeah….

Heh…heh…heh…. Yeah… well we’ll just leave it at that… listening to digital revolution radio… some wonderful rock riffs… yeah… yes it is on line…

Had some thunder boomers here last night and some more rain… amazing clouds and light show (lightening) … seems some time in the night the power was knocked off and came back on… had to reset the electronics on the cook stove this morning before I could cook breakfast… drizzle a bit of olive oil in the cast iron pot… then pick up that knife… and shhhhk… shhhhkkk…. Shhhkkk…. Thin slices of yam… into the skillet… move them to the side… postion 2 slices of bacon in the middle… then shake… shake … shake… garlic… black pepper… cayenne… double check the burner… and put the lid on… back to the frig… pull out 2 eggs… wait… turn over the yams and bacon… wait… almost done… move them to the side… crack sizzle… crack sizzle… in go the eggs… garlic… black pepper… cayenne… mmmmmm…. Almost there… pull out the yams and bacon… sizzled bubbly edges on the eggs… pull them out… shake shake shake… mineral salt… apple cider vinegar… and ah… breakfast is ready… yum… yes the coffee was already in the French press waiting… steeping…

Mow Mow Tat has her purr on… and we are rockin out on a Sunday mornin…. She is stretched out on the couch … put my hand on her side and feel the vibration of her purrrrrrrrr…..

Yes dinner went well last night… that pecan desert turned out …yum… beef cooked slow all day smothered in portobellos and onion… dipped up some of the au jus and cooked the wild rice in it… asparagus came out of the oven yum… zucchini did not come out the way I thought it would but was yum… and of course those mushrooms… yeah mmmm…. Friend brought a bottle of bubbly… so we had a glass of sparkle as well… pecan desert… pecans, coconut, dates, raw honey, vanilla, coconut oil, eggs… topped with more crushed pecans… baked in a water bath… ok…just yum… with dark black coffee… and finished off with a good cigar… over more coffee… Mickey Hart playing in the background…

Good food… hey… I enjoy watching friends enjoy food I have prepared… good friends… good conversation… a bit of sparkly… good coffee… good smoke… good music… it was a good night…

Yes I enjoy a good cigar… savor the flavor… actually Jucy Lucy is my fav cigar… my Pops and I used to sit out in the yard under the tree and have coffee and a smoke… I can still see those sparkling blue eyes over the smoking cigar… that craggy leathered face… under his leather hat brim… just sharing each other’s company… having some coffee and enjoying a smoke… didn’t have to talk… just being…

We got to know each other after I was an adult… and truly appreciated the time that we did have… folks were split… and Pops was constantly on Mom’s “list” … learned a bit more of why I used to annoy the life out of her after Pops and I got together… we are so much alike it’s scary… too funny… same mannerisms… same twisted sense of humor… Pops just was who he was… take it or leave it… and that’s ok…

There was no shoulda woulda coulda with him… he just accepted what was and went on from there… good bad… doesn’t matter … it just is… next… ya know I think that is a good way to be… beating myself up over shoulda woulda coulda… or over what other’s think I “should” be is a waste of life…Pops had the right idea…

Yeah sometimes it “bites”… moderating my phraseology a bit… fill in with “appropriate words” … but then there’s that sunrise… that cat’s purr… a good smoke… dark black coffee… good conversation… and music music music… ah baby drums … yeah… no drum available… man give me a couple of sticks and hollow log… and lets rock on…

It’s not going to break my heart if there’s some paint to splash about… and some dirt to dig in… either…

Man oh man… I hear that chest freezer calling my name… gotta scrub it out… then head out to the asparagus field and get to picking…

Embrace the pain… let go of the fear… enjoy who you are… there is only one you and you are glorious… feel the music… scrape the “shoulda” off your shoe… breathe deep … and …. Live…

Gratitudes: good food… good friends… good coffee…

Later taters… gotta rocket…


Mary E. Robbins
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Saturday, May 31, 2014

in the kitchen



Hello Peeps…

It is an absolutely beautiful day here today… sunshine and green for miles… it is so strange… just a couple weeks ago that ridge to the southeast was covered in snow… now it is a lush spring day… it rained about another ½ inch here last night…

I am spending most of the day in the house today… a couple friends are coming for dinner this evening… and I have been cooking… beef roast and ribs… with mushrooms and onions… slow cooked in a dutch oven… asparagus… zuchinni tossed in olive oil seasoned then spread out to bake… wild rice cooked in the beef and mushroom broth… and I came up with a dessert recipe… so yes I baked today… pecans, raw honey, coconut oil, bit of vanilla, dates, eggs, coconut… topped with pecans… yes I am staying out of it until dinner… the asparagus is out of my field… I am going to roll it in olive oil season it and lay it out in a baking dish and bake it… both the zucchini and asparagus should be able to bake side by side in the smaller oven… the beef mushrooms and onions have been in the oven since around 8:30 this morning… should be falling off the bone tender by dinner…

Hit a new low weight today… 248.2 lbs… moving on down…yay… want to get some laundry folded and put away… then head out for ranch rounds… and then get back in here and put the asparagus and zucchini in the oven… and get the wild rice started… actually start that wild rice before the other since it takes around an hour… time to put the pecan dessert in the frig to chill… I’ll pull it out about an hour before dinner … I hope it comes out good… I just kinda made up the recipe as I went along… no I did not do a crust… I baked it in custard cups… and do not eat gluten… could have made a ground almond crust though… did not think of that… well maybe next time… or maybe not… maybe just do an almond dessert rather than pecan… yes I have been trying to think of a way to make a pecan pie type dessert without sugar… or corn syrup… or flour… this is what I came up with…

Washing bedding today as well… the washing machine is working away on the porch… Mow Mow tat is stretched out on one of her shelves… her kitty condo door are open… but she has gotten her snuggles and now is hanging out in her room… so to speak… the baby Muscovy ducks are setting up on a table under the evergreen tree in the front yard… by the cockatiels… the mastiffs and Pominators are out in their yards…

Last night I was listening to the baby Muscovy ducks contentedly peeping as they ate their dinner and played in their little tin of water… they are still small enough to live in the pet carrier and were sitting on the kitchen floor…

I have been anxiously awaiting my Kaizen drum… I did not get anxious about it until he told me he was shipping it… now I can hardly stand it I want it in my hands so bad… lol…

Need to get back out in that asparagus field and pick again… it’s a lot of work but I actually enjoy it… really feels good to be able to do it… plus it is calming to me… kinda feel the connection to the earth as I am out there collecting her bounty…

Feels really good to have a bit of internal peace today… yesterday and the day before my mind was like hot static all day … all night… forget having a decent night’s sleep… major rollercoaster ride on the emotion scale… pppphhhhtttt…. Listened to some native American flute… and some hang drum… and kaizen drum … and some other music… and it leveled off… feels good to just let the music wash over me… through me…

Tried some coconut oil on my hands arms face and neck… wow that really feels good… and an added bonus… no toxic ingredients… and no allergic reaction… yay…

Ok… gonna put some gunsmoke on in the back ground and attack that pile of laundry… so peeps can have a place to sit on the couch… hehehe…

May your minds be as cool waters…

Gratitudes: trusted friends coming for dinner… you tube: music tracks… a beautiful day…

Later taters…
 
Mary E. Robbins

Thursday, May 29, 2014

choices...



Good Morning Peeps…

Yes it’s true… picking that field of asparagus kicked my behind… serious butt scuffing all day yesterday… as in dragging my butt on the ground… too tired to pick it up… not not really that tired but did not get a lot done… stored the asparagus in the frig with a bit of water when I got it in the house… it takes up an entire shelf in the frig… started cleaning out the chest freezer in the Quonset yesterday… got all the water in the bottom of it soaked up… today I will scrub it out and clean up around it… and plug it in … here’s hoping it works… it worked until the plug got knocked out of the outlet… so here’s hoping it restarts.

Kinda overheated picking the asparagus… decided yesterday to make sure I had a place to cool off and pulled the air conditioner out of storage and installed it in the porch window… this is the first year I’ve tried using it there… but that little room really heats up… then it heats up the rest of the house… so we’ll just see what happens… tried running the air conditioner and the washing machine at the same time… well that is a no go… on the same circuit… that’s ok… I’ll just plug one of them into a different circuit when both are needed at the same time. This is an old house so I always protect my outlets by running things through a surge protector with a fuse in it… I seriously do not want to overheat the wiring in the house… rather trip the breaker in the surge protector instead… yeah maybe I am a little paranoid… could be… but I would just as soon not have a wall fire.

The strawberries are growing… the strawberries are growing… yes I am thrilled… lol… the plum trees are leafing out… so cool… and I saw some little leaves coming out on the mulberry trees… Barbie doll trees… lol… the rosa rugosa are setting on leaves too… this just thrills me… tomato plants look pretty good too… need to get the field grass pulled out of my flower beds along the lower yard fence… total body workout… bend pull… lift… dig… yank… swear… repeat… repeat… repeat…

Visited with a friend I’ve known since grade school yesterday… we had not visited in years… was a good to talk… lots of memories stirred… some good some bad… from so many years ago… her voice sounds so much like my stepdaughter’s voice…. This is not a good thing or a bad thing… it just is… truthfully it surprised me…

My house’s windows are just above ground level… and the green chop from cutting down the lower yard has been doing a number on my allergies… argh… friggen soar throat… hack hack hack… ugh… that’s another reason I opted for the airconditioner… to have a break from the allergens… won’t stop it altogether… but will make a bit of a difference with the filters… but hey… I am still breathing…

One small yard and 3 large yards left to mow… then the central open yard needs to be done again… and the driveways… it’s a mow marathon… no not all in one day… that is just too much… then the outside of of the yards… cut a pathway around the hollow… a fire break… ok…yes I am overwhelmed… step back and breathe… I will get done as much as I get done… one day at a time… and try to not step on any snakes in the process…

Saw a beautiful 4 or 5 foot long bullsnake crossing the base of the driveway… such graceful creatures… but I seriously do not want to step on one… good way to get bitten… no they are not venomous… but ouch… for both of us… hey I would bite too if someone stepped on me like that… there was one out here for years that became my friend… I named him Ralph… he/she was huge… 6 or 7 foot long… so beautiful… he wasn’t a pick him up and cuddle him friend… he was a hey I’m here you’re here living together friend… He knew I would not hurt him and the same for me… I came nose to nose with him one time… I was picking up a sheet of bent sheet metal… and as I lifted it up off the ground… there was Ralph… his face about a foot from mine… he/she was under there looking for groceries… we both froze in place for a moment… then went about our business… kinda felt sorry for those mice and voles… they did not have much of a chance… yes they were the groceries…

The 3 baby Muscovey ducks are doing good… living in the pet carrier… cute little fuzzies…

Wish I could get this laundry to fold itself and put itself away… but alas as much as I try… all it will do is just lie there… humph… ok fine… I’ll just do it… but not now… gonna head outside before it heats up… folding laundry is for the heat of the day… not the glory of the morning…

Gonna finish my cuppa coffee and head outside…

Gratitudes: water… 1: so thankful my well has water in it and the pump is working … 2: my truck is working again… the dear friend that fixed it for me… such a wonderful soul and mind… 3: choice… I can chose my perspective…

For instance… be miserable and angry because I was picking the asparagus by myself cutting my hands and overheating as I dripped sweat … or celebrate and revel in the glorious heat of the sun as I picked fresh asparagus to enjoy…knowing that I would have organic asparagus in my freezer for the winter… choice… perspective… yes I started out pissed in that field… and yes my hand is sore with I don’t know how many little cuts … I stopped part way through the field and said wait a minute what are you doing… and chose to be happy… exhausted… but happy… and kinda proud of what I was doing… strange how that works… who’d a thought… hmmmm….

Later taters…
 
Mary E. Robbins

Saturday, May 24, 2014

May 23rd 2014 hermity dragon



Hello Peeps…

I am around… seriously dragging but around… woke up with a beastmaster of a headache… and it is seriously whomping on me… friend just called… going to head over to his place and help him move some stuff… then … I dunno… maybe garden… maybe not… need a lighter day… might get moving later… argh… taking my aching bod into the tub and soaking… drinking some more coffee… enough coffee and perhaps the headache will go away… this ole broad is aching bacon… ouch… yeah I know whine whine whine…

Seriously though… I’ve been telling myself… embrace the pain… and release the fear… funny focusing on that seems to lessen the headache as well…

Gray overcast day… the cockatiels are outside… so are the mastiffs and Pominators… highlander was playing in the background… quiet now… just the sound of the fan in the kitchen window… it’s right by the stove so it draws the cooking oils and smoke out… I cook with cayenne …. A lot… and it always makes me cough in that hot cast iron… so the fan draws it out the window… had an early lunch… 2 corn tortillas… 2 ounces bacon… and some radishes… seriously need to scatter some radish seed in the garden…

Planted the apple trees… 3 dwarf ones… the rosa rugosa … 6 of them… Jerusalem artichokes… a couple pounds… Yukon gold potatoes… black berries… 4 of those… ran the jeep into town to get some parts to get the truck going again… battery cable ends… so thankful for my friend’s skill… I am learning… but motors… argh…

Drank some tangy tangerine… and some more coffee… headache is down to a dull roar… thinking it was a combo platter headache… some dehydration… some teeth grinding… some lack of caffeine… I did not drink coffee last night… not enough anyway… and some hunger… and some anxiety mixed in… bloody holiday weekend… pphhhtttt… sometimes I am such a troll… or a crabby dragon… you know I think I would do well living in a cave behind a waterfall… all that wonderful water sound… and a curtain of rushing water for a door… hmmmmm…. Just need a good supply of coffee… and the ability to change physical form into a large… scaly … winged… beautiful … of course… sharp fanged… fire breathing … beastie… purple green and black shaded scales… with golden to amber eyes… yes fire breathing because you know I like my food crunchy…

We’ll just leave what the food would be up to the imagination… hehehe…

Oh … saw a herd of deer on the way into town yesterday… they trotted across the road and on into a field… there were a dozen or so of them… and of course I did not have a camera with me… I did enjoy watching them bounce along…

I am seriously hermity today… too bad so sad… get up and move… gotta go… I said I would so I am… a hermity dragon… snapping and snarling… good thing he knows me well… lol…

Later taters…


Mary E. Robbins
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Thursday, May 22, 2014

asparagus and pickup trucks



Good Morning Peeps… saw a little toad in the grass yesterday...

Busy day yesterday… mowed for a couple more hours… still more to do… want to have the grass cut down around the perimeter of the yards … and along the sides of the drives in… before it dries out… hot vehicle muffler and dry grass is not a good combination…

Got into the truck to move it so I could mow where it was parked…. Wanted to turn it around and take the rolls of snow fence off the back of it as well… and voila… no spark… oh yea! Checked the battery (yes I am getting a little better at this) it seems it has a full charge… no juice to the truck though… the horn would not even honk… yes you guessed it… I headed to my friend’s house in the jeep to ask him some questions… he is coming over to look at it this morning… I think it is the battery cable… at least I hope that is all it is… mechanical adventures on the high plains… argh…

Stopped at the mail box on the way home… and looked at the asparagus field… the mail box is by the field… and what did I see… yes asparagus… no I did not have a bucket… but I did have a plastic bag… walked the field and picked the asparagus… got 9.2 lbs… yes I was spent by the time I got done… so was that plastic bag…

Apple trees… rosa rugosa … blackberries… and Yukon gold potato seed stock showed up yesterday… they were in the jeep when I opened the door… yes I told the mail carrier that was ok to do that… three guesses where I will be most of the day… yup… you got it… garden…

Gotta rocket… friend is showing up at 9 to look at truck… and it is around a quarter to 8 now… and I seriously need a soak… this body is screaming… ouch… would have gotten in the tub last night… but frankly was none too sure I could get out of it… fell asleep in the chair with my feet up on the corner of the buffet trying to watch survivor… with Mow Mow Tat on the back of the chair above my head… note the trying to watch… so did not happen… thinking I needed to sleep more than I needed to watch tv… aw well… I’ll watch it later… my tv comes through the internet anyway… so I’ll just go to the website and give it another go… sometime…

Spoke to Kaizen drums… Jamal said my drum should be here soon… I am so looking forward to getting to know it’s tones…

Breakfast done… yams… eggs… bacon… coffee… honey … nibs…

Gratitudes: the truck did not quit on the road… apple trees showed up… the first harvest of asparagus I’ve been able to actually pick…

You know it was so … is so … cool that I was actually able to pick that asparagus… yes I mean physically and mentally able to do it… so totally cool…. This is the first season in many that I have been able to do that… kicked my butt… but I got it done… here is hoping for some more rains… no hail no tornadoes please… anyway… more rain to make more grow… will have asparagus frozen for the winter… yay!

Later taters…


Mary E. Robbins
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Wednesday, May 21, 2014

gardens... happiness... thunderstorms



Good Morning Peeps…

Moving kinda slow this morning… worked without the compression pants on yesterday…. They do make a difference… legs got their swell on by last night… I am trying to condition my body to be able to go without those pants… not sure whether I can make this happen or not… but I am going to give it a go… today though… I am wearing them… pain in my legs reduced quite a bit when I put them on…

Chilly morning… funny how dampness in the air makes it seem so much colder… was good for the tomatoes I set out yesterday though… got nearly a quarter inch of rain… the nastiness went around me… no hail or tornadoes here… quite a bit of hail around this area though…

Picked up some more plants for the garden yesterday… some bell peppers… some hot peppers… cabbage… kale… celery… decided to use wooden snow fence as trellis for the tomatoes, raspberries, cucumbers and such… will help to baffle the winds as well.

My friend fixed the DR brush mower for me yesterday… and I mowed a good bit of the central yard… and cut some paths through the upper yard. The grass growth is over knee high in this hollow now… seems a shame to be cutting it rather than grazing it off… maybe next year. Been thinking about a couple of goats or so… haven’t made my mind up yet and not getting in a hurry about it…. Wouldn’t mind making a bit of butter and cheese either for that matter… could raise a calf on one as well… aw well one thing at a time… more than I can handle this season… I’ll just keep working along and sort it out as I go…

Be easier physically to handle more with less fat hanging on my body… and I am working along those lines… building more muscle endurance too… and have the pain and aches to prove it too… but that is just the way it goes… still feels better than sitting around not able to move.

This physical work is good for me… it is beating the daylights out of me but is good for me too… as I was out digging in the dirt stirring in some compost/manure for the tomatoes … I realized something… that heaviness was gone out of my mind and chest… while I was out there digging… I realized that for the first time that I could remember since David died… I actually had a bit of happiness… I was actually happy… not manic… not panic… not grief… not triggered… just a ray of sunshine… that is what it felt like to me… like warm sunshine in my chest… about makes me cry to write about it… how silly is that…

Truthfully I had forgotten how it felt… did not really realize what it was for a bit… so even though I physically feel like I’ve been through a meat grinder… I am heading back out to the garden… and digging some more… oh… there’s a few more leaves on the plum trees… seems so funny calling them trees when at this point they are just little sticks… saw a bit of growth in the strawberry patch as well… not seeing anything with the raspberries or mulberries yet… onions are coming up though…

Heard the rooster pheasant calling this morning… and the wild birds are singing a chorus in the trees… thinking I’ll put my stock yard boots on… and head out… see how the young ducks and geese fared through last night’s rain and thunder… I watched that storm roll on by to the north of me… very dark clouds and lots and lots of lightening… clouds were rolling about themselves… twisting…

Looks like the sun is coming out… time to go dig…

Later taters…

forgot my gratitudes... a bit of happiness... no hail in my yard... hot coffee..


Mary E. Robbins
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