Friday, December 26, 2008

Happy Christmas: Attitude is Everything

Attitude is Everything

Pop called yesterday. If all goes well he will be coming to visit this coming spring or summer. He usually comes down in June or so. He liked his Christmas present. We sent him some cigars and pipe tobacco. I really enjoyed chatting with him. Sure is different than chatting with the relatives I grew up around. Usually come away from those conversations feeling like crap.

It was nice to just visit and enjoy each other’s company. I wish I could have known him growing up. Nothing to be done about that now. Although if I allowed it the thought of what we missed out on could make me extremely angry at my mother. I don’t know what her reasons were to keep us separated. But in doing so she stole from us both. I doubt she sees it that way, and I don’t know that I’m even going to bring it up. I think not. Makes me sad though. So many parents use their children to get at their partners when they split up.

It’s wrong; it’s selfish on the parent’s part that is doing it. Frankly I don’t care if they are scared or angry. They have no right to steal that time and potential relationship from their children. Same goes for adult children that keep grandchildren away from grandparents. Same thing.

Nothing I can do about the past. Other than not let it destroy my future by wallowing in regret and anger.

Yes I am angry. Yes I know forgive and move on. That I have decided to do. Have been doing.

So much has been lost because of stupid selfish games. So much that it is staggering. What could have been; but never will be, all because of cruel selfish games. I would say actions, but much of it stems from words and attitudes. It’s sad really, what a waste.

My first impulse is to try to help to fix it. Yes I know that is pointless unless they work towards fixing things themselves. However; it would seem that improving their lives, enjoying their lives, actually living their lives; is not what they are about. They live in a self made hell; filled with created crises, emotional pain, physical difficulty/pain, poverty, and filth. It does not make any sense to me; it doesn’t have to be this way. But this is the way they choose it to be. (By the way, no I am not talking about my dad, that’s not who he is.)

It’s not actually about health, filth, poverty. Bottom line it is about mindset. Attitude, towards themselves, life, others, God. It is a toxic swirl of poisonous refuse that clings to anyone that has any kind of contact with them.

Wow, there isn’t any anger left. Just emotional exhaustion. Frustration over not being able to make things any better. Ok, you can not help people that refuse to help themselves. All that will do is put you in the same position they are in. Which frankly; seems to be exactly what they want.

As challenging as it may be I choose to live my life, not merely exist. Living to make all those around me as miserable as I possibly can.

What does that mean? It means saying no to being an enabler. Is this an easy thing? No it is not. Is it changing the relationships? Yes it is. Have they pulled out the big guns in the emotional blackmail department? Yes they have. The, you aren’t worth speaking to gun. I will never speak to you again unless, gun. The, I am going to die if you don’t do this gun.

They loaded them up and pulled the triggers, over and over. Yes it hit me full on. Devastatingly so, tis true. At the same time I got a glimpse of freedom, a glimpse of peace. Wow, you mean I can have that in my life! Rather than living in an emotional prison filled with agony.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t care. It does mean walking that fine line between caring and enabling; and fielding the deliberate manipulation and guilt that is sprayed my way like a skunks spray.

Life is a journey, decide to enjoy the scenery.
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream With Our Pomeranians

Friday, December 19, 2008

Ten Ways to Transform Toxic Thoughts

I was sorting my mountains of email, scanning as quickly as I could and being a spaz with the delete button because there simply is not enough time to read it all; Or even scan it all for that matter.

As I was in my sorting frenzy this quote jumped out at me.

Only one thing has to change for us to know happiness in our lives: where we focus our attention. (Greg Anderson)

It struck me as to how very true that is.

The truth be told we make ourselves miserable, angry, depressed, sad, cheerful, happy, peaceful and so on. It’s true; it’s what we focus on, what we clutch to our hearts and hang on to both figuratively and physically.

Newsflash; we also project what we are feeling on to other people. Or I should say we can and often do project what we are feeling onto other people.

I’ll give you a for instance. I called up a friend of mine. Her name is Mary F; she lives in Montana. I live in Wyoming, so this conversation took place over the phone. The reason I stated our locations was to stress the fact that you do not have to be in physical contact with another person to affect them.

Truthfully I didn’t realize I was angry or just how angry and frustrated I was when I called her. I hadn’t called her for business; I had called just to touch base with a friend I hadn’t spoken with for a couple of months.

At the time I didn’t realize just how much I was projecting. I turned that conversation into a rage spire in seconds. Truthfully I didn’t even realize it until I had gotten off the phone.

I have been so angry over finances, my health, the dogs, and all that placement mess, my weight, backed up paper work, and my life in general that I spilled it all over her. Actually that is not true, I shot it at her with a cannon. Bang splat; knocked the joy right out of her with a huge rage cannon ball.

So not only do you affect your own life, you affect the lives of those you contact; or that contact you. Just a thought- Give the gift of joy. Change your focus to a joyful life.

Tis my gift to you for this Holiday Season: the Wish for a Joy filled life. May your focus be on the joys of life.

Here is a nifty little excerpt that may help you along those lines:

10 Ways to Transform Toxic Thoughts: Text by Sandra Ingerman, adapted from her book, “How to Heal Toxic Thoughts: Simple Tools for Personal Transformation”

If you've ever felt the way anger or fear can electrify the atmosphere in a room, you'll know what Sandra Ingerman means by "toxic thoughts."

1) Breathe Through Your Heart: Breathing is one of the simplest ways to transform energy. This is an exercise you can do throughout your day: Place your hands on your heart and feel your heart moving as you breathe. This is calming, and feeds the energy of love, peace, and harmony in the world.

2) Look in a Mirror: Before reacting to a challenging situation, try emoting as you watch your reflection in a mirror. No one wants to see herself acting out in a toxic way. You may feel silly, but don’t let this stop you. Taking ourselves too seriously is one of the causes of negative thoughts.

3) Express; Don’t Send: Stress can make us act in ways we might regret later on. It is OK to have problematic emotions, and it’s important to acknowledge your feelings. Just be careful not to send the energy as a “poison dart” to yourself, others, or into the world.

4) Think of a Favorite face: The energy behind your emotions goes to all living beings. If confronted by someone who triggers problematic emotions for you, think of a loved one and impose his or her image on the face of the person challenging you. For example, you might work with the face of a baby, kitten, puppy, or your favorite flower.

5) Watch Your Words: Your words, like thoughts and emotions, have the power to change your experience and the world we live in. This applies to both the words we say out loud to others as well as self-talk. If you tell yourself that you’re not a good person, you begin to manifest this reality. Fill your mind with positive words and this is how your life will unfold.

6) See the Divinity in Others: Never Pity others who you perceive as suffering—this only pushes them deeper into a hole. When you see people in their divine light and perfection you help give them the strength they need to deal with their troubles. Remember that your perception creates your reality.

7) Connect With Nature: We are a part of nature. When we are in a state of stress we are cut off from the nurturing we receive from the elements – earth, air, water, and fire (the sun) – and we can actually become ill. Nature is a great healer. Take time out and connect with the natural world whenever you can.

8) Work With Water: The life-force of water can wash away your pain, and the simplest activities can have a healing effect. As you wash your hands, take a shower, or stand in the rain, visualize negative energy flowing from you and being transformed into light.

9) Protect Yourself With Light: If you feel someone is psychically attacking you or being energetically hostile toward you, imagine a protective light surrounding you. Some people think of a white energy field; I imagine being enclosed in a translucent blue egg. Find a color that works for you. This will protect you from any harmful energies being sent your way.

10) Respond With Love: You do not have to be the receiver of negative and toxic energy from others. You can return the energy you don’t wish to receive with love. Responding with love will prevent you from moving into attack position and creating more negative energy. It is only love that heals.

I have spent the majority of this past year blinded by rage and grief; to the point that it has effected my mental and physical well being and the mental and physical well being of all those around me. Both human and animal alike. As 2008 comes to a close and 2009 starts I am working to change my focus. To move forward in joy. The Greg Anderson
quote and the 10 Ways to Transform Toxic Thoughts: Text by Sandra Ingerman,
were blessings to me; It is my hope that they are for you as well.

Life is a journey; may you travel in joy.
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream With Our Pomeranians

Both the Greg Anderson
Quote and the Sandra Ingerman
text was brought to my attention in:The Daily Inspiration newsletter by beliefnet.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The sun is shining and all is well with the world.

Wow what a thought. It is a delightful thought. I do miss the ignorant bliss of childhood at times.

All is well with the world. Hmmm, interesting concept. Does that mean all is as it should be? All is well with my household at this very moment in time. Tomorrow be damned. We live today.

Does it mean that all is as it is? Some are happy, some are sad. Some are prospering- in whatever definition they may have for prospering. Others are in abject poverty and desolation-whatever definition they may have for abject poverty and desolation.

Since the beginning of life on this planet, some have been sated while others are hungry. Some are the predator some are the prey. This started way before man ever set foot on this planet. Frankly it will more than likely be going on long after we are but a footnote in the history of this place.

I watched the movie, Charlie Wilsons War
the other day. I’d seen it in the movie listings as I scanned through the channels. It just kept jumping out at me. As I was staring uselessly at the TV on one of my insomniac nights. So I watched it.

It is an interesting movie. An excellent comment on leaving things half done. It is also a comment on how our political system works. Fickle beast that it is. Of course it is a fickle beast, it’s made up of humans.

If you haven’t seen Charlie Wilsons War, it is well worth watching.

My cup of coffee is gone and I must run. Full day today.

Life is a journey, each moment a lifetime in itself.
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream With Our Pomeranians

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Brrrrr Baby It’s cold outside.

Looks like winter has finally gotten here. I am so glad we got those dogs placed. I was thinking about that as I was out taking care of my happy hairballs that are here now. I was packing straw into their houses for them to dig down into and play in.

By the time I was finished strawing the houses and feeding and watering everyone I was physically done for. I stopped and just looked at the whole section of empty houses. Smaller houses that it was very difficult to keep enough bedding in to keep them warm and smiled because no one is going to be cold in those this year.

It’s a pleasure to watch the dogs bouncing around and digging in the bale of straw that was put in each of their houses. It was layered in on top of what I had already put in there. Everyone has a 4 by 7 foot house. Plenty of room for bedding and playing when it is wet outside. As well as space for their food.

It’s great to see them warm and happy.

On to happiness; this is the first time in 5 years that I’ve put up a Christmas tree. Granted it is a tiny one, but it has been a pleasure to watch its fiber optic beauty at night. It’s not some kind of protest that kept me from putting up a tree. It had been my health and total exhaustion. Over all things are getting better. I still didn’t get my Christmas cards sent. I like to send cards out to family, friends, and clients. May get a few sent, the rest will have to go to the blogs for Christmas notes and updates at to what’s happening at Robbins Run Ranch, our little home on the high plains.

Yes things are better in our happy home. David seems to be feeling better. I am feeling better. The dogs are doing better.

Much of it is a change in mindset. We made some tough decisions this past year and followed through on them. Much to the dismay of some of our relatives and friends.

In truth some of the decisions we had to make exposed who were actually our friends and who were not. That was an eye opening experience.

Some of it was heartbreaking. Felt a tremendous loss. I learned something though; you can’t lose something that you never really had in the first place.

I learned a couple of other tidbits this past year as well. Not making a choice is making a choice. We have free will, since we do have free will we have responsibility for our lives, all of the choices that we make. This has been a belief of mine for some time; however it really came to the front through the difficult choices this past year.

This sounds a bit trite; however it is so true. You can not help someone that refuses to take responsibility for them selves. You and not help someone that refuses to help them selves. You can try, but all you are doing is enabling a self-destructive behavior. Not to mention putting yourself in a position to be siphoned dry. Siphoned dry physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. Saying no these people can be emotionally crushing.

I am not saying that everyone that has difficulty is refusing to help them selves. I am saying pay attention. Some are making an effort. As much as they can and other’s are leaches. Waiting to suck you dry. It can be a challenge to tell the difference, especially when there are emotional ties involved. Be the ties friend or family or just caring what happens to other people.

Another tidbit I learned this past year. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. I have in the past kept a tight reign on my emotions. Trying to keep going through whatever came up. I am not saying to not keep functioning. I am saying accept and validate your feelings. Whether it is with a therapist, blog, private journal, and boxing bag. Whatever. Allow yourself to experience your emotions.

There are consequences if you do not. Been there, done that, you won’t like it. It goes in phases, from emotions hitting. Which you do not know what to do with because you shut them off behind a dam as soon as they come up. To no feelings at all. To an overwhelming flood of rage, grief, ups, downs, all spinning out of control. Like a river that has burst a dam tearing up all in its path of total destruction.

As strange or painful as it may be; it is much better to work through emotions as they occur. Rather than trying to survive them when they build to a point of tsunami and explode onto the scene.

That’s all for now

Life is a journey, each day is filled with adventure
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream With Our Pomeranians

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Beautiful sunny morning.

I did something this morning that I haven’t done in ages. I worked a crossword puzzle. Usually I suck so badly at those, but I did pretty well on this one. It was in the Enquirer; yes that is one of my guilty pleasures; puzzles and the gossip rags. I love looking at the clothes people wear. Cup of coffee and the crossword, or Sudoku and I am a happy camper.

Visited with mom this morning. Her eyes seem to be getting better so we are not going to the eye appointment this afternoon. Running into town 2 days in a row is just too much at this point. That reminds me I’d better call and cancel that appt.

I got on the elliptical for 1 km this morning and did a minute on the red ex. Geez that sounds pathetic. The additional exercise is loosening up the crud in my lungs. It’s pretty challenging trying to breathe with that stuff moving. In the long run it will be a good thing. Be wonderful to be able to breathe down to the bottom of my lungs. Be great to take a deep breath without a coughing fit. I am not sure how long it’s going to take to clear them but I am giving it a go. A little bit at a time.

The last time I went all out on breathing exercises I loosened up so much goo that It was a pretty scary night. I sat up in the recliner most of the night barely breathing. Gets kind of creepy when your vision clouds over from lack of oxygen. Oxycise is what got the goo moving last time. I need to get it out of my lungs; the trick is to not suffocate in the process.

I am going to do 1/3 of the commuter routine and see how that goes. I’ll give that a go then repeat it for a week or so and add another 1/3 of the commuter routine the next week, then the last 1/3 the week after that. Hope this works without knocking me out. I really do not like going into oxygen deprivation feels like you have a high powered electric fence tied to you; all over your body. Nasty feeling. I hate being shocked and that is exactly what it feels like.

Ok I’m going for it.

I’ll be back… or I won’t. If I’m not back in a bit. Well a day or week or so, then I’ve probably crossed over. Have a wonderful life. If I’m back then my plan is working in some way and I am breathing better.

Life is a journey, enjoy the trip.
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch: living the dream with our pomeranians

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Wow, the last month of 2008.

Whoo Hoo, I will not be sad to see this year go. Although I have quite a bit to get done before the 31st. I have box after box, after tub of receipts and papers sorted. One more, large tub to sort out by the year. Then its sort the individual years, get the bank statements and check registers and sort some more. I so want this finished up on my part by the end of 2008. Then I’ll turn it all over to the accountants and they can take it from there. Good riddance.

The past 5 years have been extremely difficult over all. However we made it through alive. Although there were quite a few times that was questionable. For both myself and my husband.

I did manage to learn something this year, through all the chaos in my life. I have always been one to dwell on the past. What I could have done differently, how many mistakes I made because things weren’t absolutely perfect. Or when I lose so many pounds, or do this or that then my life will be thus and so.

Living in the past or future. Rarely enjoying the present.

You know what? The past is past. Learn from it and move on. The future never get’s here. So what is the point of living in the future? Good way to throw away your life in misery.

Live now; the future will be here soon enough. News flash, when it get’s here, it will be now once again. Live now. Live love laugh now!

I am not saying to not have goals, I am saying live now while you are working on your plans or goals, or whatever. Or you will never live at all.

This is what the past 5 years has taught me. Live now! No regrets.

Life is a journey, enjoy the trip.
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream With Our Pomeranians

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Windy Day on the High Plains

The Wind is blowing like a psycho again today. In the middle of the night last night it was wonderful outside. The wind had died down the stars were so bright it looked like you could reach up and touch them.

I went out to shut up the door to the fowl house. The ducks, guineas and chickens had all went to bed. We shut the door at night to keep the predators from eating them. I seriously need to rebuild that door. At this point I am shutting the door and bracing a chain link gate across the bottom of it.

The mastiffs were after something last night when I had them out in the yard. When I smelled it’s pungent aroma I was very glad for the fence to keep them off it. There was a skunk fairly close. I would say close enough that the mastiff’s fence attack frightened it into spraying. Fortunately it was far enough away from the fence that it missed my dogs.

I take the handheld spotlight out with me when I go out to shut up the birds. I like to shine it around the ridges and check for four legged company. I’ve lit up some eyes a number of times. Usually when the spot light hits them they leave. At least onto the other side of the ridge. I will be very glad when we get that perimeter fence up. It will slow down the predator loss considerably. Sometimes I think our cats and birds are the buffet line for coyotes, fox, and cougar.

Happily that cat does not come around very often. The coyotes however are another story. I can hear them howling, yipping and running nearly every night. Unless the wind is blowing like crazy, then of course I can’t hear anything outside but the wind. Well the wind and the tin it is banging up and down.

I am sure glad we have the electric fence around the kennels. Makes me sleep much better at night. Neither the cougar nor the coyotes challenge electric fences. Not usually anyway. Well not the electric fence combined with the stock panels. A single strand fence I do believe the coyotes will simply go under.

It amazes me that this is the last day of November 2008. It simply does not seem possible. But it is, now isn’t it. So far this winter it has been pretty warm all in all. I am glad we have all the dogs moved into the big calf hutches. Makes it nice for them to be able to get out of the wind and have some room to play and run. I want to bring some more straw over from the shelterbelt and put it in their houses. It’s a kick to watch them tear the chunks of straw bale apart. They have a great time with it. Just enjoying being dogs.

We are getting closer to catching things up. One day, one step at a time. I found some shelving that can be used to stack crates on. Or to build solid sleeping compartments for that matter. Unfortunately I don’t think I’ll have those built before the wicked cold comes around. I do have enough big dog crates to bring the poms in. Be a good idea to have a few more though.

I am sure going to be glad when I am not just using extension cords to string electricity around for heat lamps and such. One day one step at a time.

I love watching the dogs run and play. Their sheer joy of life is a blessing to behold.

Best get going, more sorting and shredding to do. Then it’s cook for David and get out to the kennels.

Thank God for ear plugs to keep that howling wind out of my ears.

Life is a journey, go with God.
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream With Our Pomeranians

Good Morning Everyone, Happy Saturday: November 29th, 2008

It’s a gray cool morning here in Wild Wonderful Wyoming. Around 30 degrees Fahrenheit, with a brisk breeze that is blowing of some ice and snow somewhere. The wind has a cold bite to it this morning. All in all it has been a glorious November weather wise.

In my last post I went on about the positive effects of a couple of prescription drugs I was taking. Oops, I spoke too soon. The night I wrote that post my body reacted strongly to the drugs. As in barely able to breathe, throat swelled up, right side so stiff and sore I could barely move my right arm or turn my head.

I double checked the side effects list and quit taking them. Didn’t sleep for a few days, nonstop pain and headache. I have slept the past two nights however and that nasty migraine is gone. I am not taking any more of that type of drug, period. That’s the end of that.

Made things worse rather than better. However, the experience did help to put things in perspective. Happily my head is still clear. I worked through some issues during the week of very little sleep. I tend to dam up emotions and keep going, and keep going, and keep going until the dam bursts then there is this monster flood of pain, anger, grief, rage, all flooding everywhere.

In this case the mess with the dogs, my mother, and cousin, burst the dam. Rather than having just the current issues to deal with, which were more than difficult. There was an overload of stored up emotions to deal with as well. Nothing like drowning in emotional crap.

Ok so what do I do about it? Answer: Deal with each emotional situation as it arises. Rather than hardening my heart, allow myself to feel the grief at the time when one of my dogs passes on. It hurts, allow it to hurt, mourn and move on.

I discovered that there was a lot of fear masquerading as rage as well. Dealing with the combined illnesses of both my husband and me over the past 8 years has been a herculean task.

I have also been one to rehash my actions and choices over and over and over and so on. Perfectionist to the core. Beating myself up over some imagined error in judgment, or the possibility of a mistaken choice. Enough of that crap already.

Reliving the past and, living in the future does nothing but take away your present.

New outlook, learn from the past choices you’ve made, live in the present, the future will be the present soon enough.

Do what you can do. Enjoy your life as you live it. The present is all you actually have.

The Thanksgiving holiday is over and psycho Friday came and went. I glanced at my Yahoo News last night and read where there was a Wal-mart employee trampled to death by shoppers. Absolutely nuts!

I wonder was the crap, alias Christmas Greed gifts, worth killing someone over. Here is an idea, rather than piling more junk that you don’t need in the first place in your already overstuffed house find a charity to donate to.

Thanksgiving is supposed to be about being thankful for the blessings we have. Such as a roof over our heads, food to eat, clothes to keep warm.

Christmas, was the celebration of The birth of the Christ Child. The appreciation of the ultimate gift from God. Not about trampling some poor guy to death so you can grab some other piece of nonsense that you more than likely do not need in the first place.

Frankly it’s a very sad commentary on what has happened over the years in this country. Just where have our values gone to?

Whatever happened to courtesy, honor, graciousness?


I did actually cook a Turkey for Thanksgiving. It was the large tom turkey that we had raised and butchered. I am cooking the second half of him today. Big boy would not fit in my oven. Looks like I’m going to be coming up with some turkey recopies and freezing them.

The turkey breast and half of the back filled my oven on Thursday. I rubbed him down with olive oil and poultry seasoning, as well as some garlic powder and baked him with cranberries. Turned out to be quite tasty.

David and I had turkey around 9 or 10 pm when we finally ate dinner. It was good to see my husband; he had been on the train for most of the day.

It’s about time to take the rest of the turkey out of the oven. I used olive oil, poultry seasoning, and garlic powder again today. However, I used diced apple and orange (with rind) as the fruit to bake the rest of him with; rather than cranberries.

Life is a journey, be thankful for each day
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream with Our Pomeranians

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Letter to a good friend; that turned into a blog post

Hi Hot Toddy… I so could not resist that. He He. Hope you don’t mind. I hope you and your hairballs (alias Pomeranians and critters) had a wonderful Halloween. Mine was seriously boring; Major yawn time; maybe next year. At least I shouldn’t be in such a sh*tty funk by then.

Actually I am doing much better already. Have some, Hmmm what was the word he used, surgery to do so to speak. Not literally, at least not that I know of. But you know I’ve been putting that mammogram off. Titty in a vise grip, yeah right that’s just a ton of fun. But I digress.

No I’m not manic, just feeling better and a bit tongue in cheek. I hit another monster low and decided that I just was not going to deal with this sh*t by myself any more. Don’t take that the wrong way, I know you would listen, so would David now that he knows, but I needed more help than just listening.

Early last year after my February incident I looked up a shrink. I met with her once then cancelled all the rest of the appointments. When I looked at her I kept wanting to snap her in half. She was this tiny little woman that reacted nervously in our first meeting. (could have just been my perception) Hence me wanting to snap her in half, or rather wad her up like a Gumby doll. Yeah that’s it. Wad her up like a little green Gumby doll. The thought of it makes me laugh. That Todd Sweeny kind of laugh. Great movie by the way; has a wicked twist to it.

Who knows, she might be great at what she does, just not the right match with me.

I went to see Doc. F; excellent match. I saw him 10 or 12 years ago for a bit, he was very helpful then; however I wasn’t in the place in my own mind to really go for it. This time I am. I am so fed up with this static in my mind. Noisy damn stuff. No sleep to mention, panic attacks, mood swings from hell. It’s like a rollercoaster from hell; Yeeee Haww let me off this fu*cking ride.

The mess with the dogs was the final straw. It was God awful to make these choices and see them go anyway, but dealing with my cousin and mother in the mix turned a horrid situation into hell on earth. I got to the point where I couldn’t separate what was and what wasn’t, spinning out of control, to shutting down just staring at the TV. Wouldn’t have mattered about the TV, I was just staring. I did vomit emotional crap all over my blog. My way of stabilizing I suppose, maybe someone else can use it to help them stabilize as well.

I wonder sometimes if my cousin and mother are aware of the nasty/spiteful/painful things they say and do. Could it be they are unaware? Could it be they are so messed up themselves that playing spite/power games with others is the only way they can function? Who knows? Doesn’t really matter any more, they are who they are. If they are in pain, I hope they get help. Their words are their words, their actions are their actions, they are the ones responsible for them, not me. I don’t have to fix it. I am not responsible for it. Their lives are the results of their choices. I have never been at peace with that before. I always felt like I had to make it better for them.

Like I had to take care of them somehow, or they were my responsibility in this life.

I did something different this time with doctor F. Last time I said no drugs. This time I agreed to them. I’ve always been of the attitude, a bit snippety I know, no drugs they are just putting a band aid over the problem.

Ok I am chewing my words. Munch munch munch, I filled the scripts the day he gave them to me. Then I set them on my kitchen table and stared at them for a day. I picked up the bag from Walgreens to read what it said about them on the info papers and just said fu*ck it and took them. No not an overdose, I took them the way they were supposed to be taken. Within a half an hour the static was gone out of my head. What a bloody relief.

I am actually able to sleep at night. I don’t seem to need even a quarter of the allergy pills I was taking, and I am not in such constant pain anymore. I actually have peace in my mind. What a relief. If this is a band-aid over issues, fine. I’ll make use of the band-aid until I don’t need it any more. For now it is so wonderful to have peace in my mind rather than static.

It’s actually quiet in there unless I’m focusing on something. Then I can actually give what ever I am focusing on my attention without fighting through the static. I haven’t had a headache in over a week. I just realized that. Wow, I used to have headaches that lasted for days on end. Mind bending ones that made light your mortal enemy as it sliced through your eyes and your hair felt like needles ramming down into your brain. Wow, a week without a headache. Too cool. Wow.

What a bloody relief, and here’s the bonus; Other than actually feeling like a human rather than a torture subject. I am starting to become productive. Bit by bit I am working my way through this mountain of sh*it in my office, the yards too. It will take a while, but I’m actually enjoying the process.

I can’t remember a day without pain, and or static in my head before this. I can remember searing emotional pain, horrendous headaches; but no peace or calm. This feels so wonderful. Peace, calm, ahhhhhh. Just a huge sigh. Ahhhhhhh…. Like putting your face up against something really soft.

I can’t do anything about what others’ think of me, or say about me. Not one bloody thing. Mean ratty ass bastards one and all. But you know what; none of it matters any more. I can’t do anything about it anyway so fluff off one and all and a big to do to you and yours.

I don’t have a headache anymore. My head doesn’t hurt. What they say doesn’t matter one whit to me unless I decide it does. Guess what pissers. It doesn’t so piss off or not; I couldn’t care less.

(Obviously If you are not a nasty gossipy pisser this does not apply to you.)

I don’t have a headache any more, la la la la la ta dah, major happy dance on my part.

Eventually I’ll get around to dealing with issues that actually matter. Other than my not having a headache any more. I’ll do what I can as I can, that’s all there is.

Like me, love me, don’t like me, hate me, that’s your issue not mine. I am who I am, that’s it. Boop Boop De Doop.

Wow this turned from a letter to a journal/blog post. Got pretty excited when I realized I hadn’t had a headache in a week. Keep in mind there’s been over 40 years of those bloody headaches; and always pain either in my arms or legs. Unending aches, like a toothache in your arms or legs. Weird, wonder how all this is connected. Who’d a thought?

Funny thought: When I was in high school, yes I know a millennia ago. It was my sophomore year I believe, maybe my junior year, not quite sure. The old memory and all, lol. Anyway we had a segment on Nathanial Hawthorne. His writing used to drive me absolutely batty. He would start on a topic, then go into intense detail about what I thought was something else. Now I find myself writing in a similar style. No I am not so arrogant as to put myself on his level in writing. I just happened to notice that I tend to meander in a similar manner. A bit like Ducky in the program NCIS. Bit of a chuckle at that. I used to get so impatient with his writing. But I definitely had a vivid picture of what he was talking about, lol. Teenage impatience I suppose.

You know when my friend, Todd and I get on the phone our conversations tend to go on the same way. Meandering on enjoying each other’s company, quite a delight actually.

Must go for now, need to let some dogs out to run and turn out the chickens. Beautiful gray chilly morning today.

Life is a journey, filled with twists and turns.
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch

Monday, November 17, 2008

Through the fire, and out the other side, from iron to steel.

I was out and about yesterday evening in the wonderful dark taking care of my dogs. It was a perfect night. Crisp clear skies with the beauty of the night shining through. Breathtaking view of the stars and moon. Calm, no wind, cool but not cold. Simply wonderful. To the north there was a cloud bank slipping up. That is a good thing since it keeps the night temperatures from dropping too significantly.

I love the night. Obviously. Another bright note. I wear a headlight on my cap so I can see into the dog houses to check feed levels... What else that wonderful little headlight does is attract fleas. I stopped at each pen twice, loving on my dogs, scratching their ears, patting their backs, filling their feed pans, cleaning out their waters; and playing with them. Now I realize it is a bit cooler out so fleas aren’t as active. However, I didn’t see a single flea. Not jumping up on my face and hat, or in their ears, underbellies, or armpits. Rah Rah Rah happy dance happy dance.

We just may have defeated the little monsters in this war. Yes it has been a war; complete with toxic materials and casualties. I have started adding bug off garlic from Springtime Inc to my happy hairballs feed, along with their vitamins, and DE. This should render them without insect pests. From what I’ve read about the DE it is an excellent natural de-wormer too. That is a good thing. I will wait a bit then collect some stool samples and have them tested.

(important side note: if you decide to use DE do your research and use the right kind or you will seriously make your animals ill)

The Garlic will make them taste nasty to fleas, flies, ticks, mosquitoes. Along with the Cedar cide we will have a clean pest free kennel. Yay! Yes of course I will still have to clean up feces and such. Get a grip; nothing does that for you, but you. Pooper Scoopers of the world unite…lol.

I’ve put the DE in my farm cat’s food too. They are already looking better. I will be including the garlic and vitamins as well. I want my mobile mousetraps to be parasite free and healthy.

The fowl –as in chickens’ ducks etc will be getting DE as well. I really do not like using toxic wormers and dusters on my critters. Since this works it is a healthy alternative.

They already dust themselves in the ashes from the burn pile. So far I haven’t seen any mites on them or their houses. I detest those nasty little bugs. When I was a kid our chicken house was full of mites I remember seeing them moving like a wave on the chicken roosts. Of course it was my job to go in there and gather the eggs.

I was a little kid so it didn’t occur to me what was happening to the poor birds that slept in there.

Something else happened as I was out working last night. Yes this is more emotional gore. From rage to realization. My own 9-11 moment shall we say.

The twin towers in my life (figuratively) had already come crashing down, along with my belief system regarding my immediate family, childhood, and life in general. Excluding my husband.

He would be one of the heroic firefighters in this scenario. He has hung in there through my total flame out and melt down. My all engulfing flaming rage over a total betrayal destroying my view of what was real and what was not from my life as a baby through now.

What was true? What was a lie? Was anything from my childhood true. Were the circumstances of my father leaving true. Was it true that he shut me in a car twice and tried to kill me as a baby, or was that a lie as well? Did my dad leave because he didn’t want us? Didn’t want me. Did I destroy their marriage? Supposedly things were good before she got pregnant with me and fell apart after I was born. Did I destroy their marriage? Or was it something altogether different.

You know they say children are cruel. Yes they are its true. But adults, or rather parents, are crueler to their own children than anyone else could ever be.

Did my mother’s lies rob me of my child hood relationship with my father? How much of my childhood was lies? Was anything real? Did she ever love me or was I just a weapon to get at my dad? A tool to bring in income so she didn’t have to finish her education and actually work.

Yes I know she had physical problems. I have the same nasty disease in my body. Mainly my legs.

I could, and have made all kinds of excuses for her. Bottom line she is who she is. What she believes is what she believes. I used to think I knew who she was and what she believed. Big surprise; I have no bloody idea.

After all the killing rage, gnashing of teeth (my teeth) stomping screaming, crying, self torture, abject agony, hell incarnate; I finally came to a realization. “PING IN THE HEAD”

Wow, light bulb flashed on in my mind. It was actually a ping in the head moment. What have I been doing? Nothing like years of self torture to absolutely no avail. So much bloody pain.

However there was a moment of epiphany. So I guess all this hell on earth has come to some positive result.

So what is my great revelation? Absolutely nothing has changed. Just like the mess on 9-11. Absolutely nothing had changed. Yes some people had died; a couple of buildings had come down to a grand mess. It stirred up some patriotic feelings, mass flag flying, stirred up some prejudice.

But all in all, everything was the same. Didn’t change the prejudice that was obviously already there. Didn’t change the hatred/and or greed that was behind the twin towers going down; or the other planes going down. All of that crap was still there.

It did change how security reacts in airports and such. I didn’t change the motives behind all the mess. That was all the same.

The only thing that really changed was our awareness of what was there all along. Now it’s up to us how we let it affect us. Because bottom line, there is absolutely nothing we can do to change the other people’s believes, code of ethics, or lack thereof.

Now we are aware. What is Simply is.

So where do we go from here. We as a nation can choose to live in fear and manipulation; or we can choose to breathe free and live our lives recognizing their manipulation for what it is. The Petty attempt to steal the joy of life from us; as a whole and as individuals.

A scripture just came to mind:
All things work together for good for those that love God. Romans 8:28

I never thought this mess would ever come to any good, but it has. I am free.

(side note: don’t get tied up in where the word comes from: God is called by many names in many cultures. None of us know his true name. Which frankly is more than likely a good thing)

Life is a journey, peace be with you and in you
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch

Sunday, November 16, 2008

It's a sunny day after the storm

I have no idea who took this photo, but it is just perfect! Kudos to you!
It’s a sunny day after the storm. More than one kind of storm. I was going to say, more than one kind of storm I’m afraid. But you know what I am not afraid anymore. Kind of sad but not afraid any more.

I tried to talk to my mother once again. I failed miserably. Let me rephrase, I failed to get the response I so dearly wanted. What I wanted was a straight answer. Something she seems incapable of giving. Earlier this year she had said that she never wanted to speak to me again if I placed the dogs in rescue. Then she called me up again and threatened to put a restraining order on me.

The question I had asked her is “do you want to continue to have a relationship with me?”

I did get this roundabout answer that I was her daughter so what did I think.

Wow, what do I think? I think she has been a miserable manipulative lying monster throughout the entire ordeal.

Of course she tossed in the “you almost killed me again” I really should tape these conversations. I am thinking I will start to. Hmm, wonder what the legality of that would be. Oh linda is sure to get on the phone immediately and tell her I am going to tape her. Hurry hurry, you squealing pig of a person.

Tad bit of anger there. My bad.

As to how I almost killed her. Yes she was speaking literally. I almost killed her by removing those poor flea ridden worm infested dogs from her place. By the way I removed them by request. Her request. Which of course she is denying now.

My God I am so confused. This past year lie after lie after lie after lie has bubbled up to the surface of this toxic waste dump of a relationship. Now I am wondering how much of my childhood is real and how much is based on a lie. Or a myriad of lies. Here is the big one. The real heartbreaker. Did my dad leave us, or did he simply go on ahead to make a place for us and she refused to go. Did my mother steal my time growing up with my father?

Did she do this? Then lie about him not wanting me. Did dad forget me in a car, or leave me in the car to die when I was a little girl? Or is that some twisted lie too? What was I to my mom? A meal ticket for afdc, a weapon to use against my father, or a little girl to be loved. What was I? What was I? What was I?

What about the good memories are they all lies too? What is real?

The hateful things people do to their children never ceases to amaze me. A note to anyone in the midst of a divorce or separating from your life mate who has children. Do not use your kids as weapons against your mate! Doing so is selfish and hateful. Allow your kids to know both parents, who they really are, not some distorted picture you painted of them.

I wonder If there would be a police record of my being shut in that car so many years ago. I think I’ll make some phone calls and see what I can find out. Not to push it in anyone’s face. But for me.

I called the cop shop where these incidents allegedly happened. The said it would be no problem to go through the records. That the records went back that far and that I could look through them. Sounds like a day trip to me. Not sure when I am going to take it but I am going to take it. I don’t know; it may be a total waste of time. I am not ready to deal with it just yet.

I wonder what Aunt M can tell me about her childhood. Be interesting to hear a different perspective.

Maybe I am trying to make excuses for my mother once again. But I don’t think so. I am trying to understand the dynamic that helped to make her the way she is; and has been.

There Is nothing I can do about the way she lives her life. But, perhaps I can understand it. And in the process heal my self.

What a waste.

I have taken steps to help myself. I started with a wonderful therapist this past week. One day one step at a time. Hey if things are becoming too much or you just need a safe place to vent or sort out your life. Find a reputable therapist and go for it. There is no family or career crap tied in there. It’s a safe haven. Patient confidentiality and all that.

If you are suicidal or homicidal and don’t have a therapist, call the suicide hotline. You can have peace in your head, you can deal with emotions without them totally overwhelming you with static and pain. You are worth it. No matter what some other sh*t has said.

You are worth it. There is peace on this side of death. I know there is, I’ve had glimpses of it this past week.

There is life without total rage, static, pain. There is life with peace, joy. Not all the time, but in balance; and survivable.

Life is a journey, each day holds a new promise
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch:

Brrrrr, the wind is blowing: Nov 6th, 2008

Brrrrr, the wind is blowing and we have a skiff of blown across the ground. Makes me very glad that I worked from sunup to sundown on the kennels on the 4th.

I had already strawed the big doghouses the 4 by 7 ones, but I went around and sprayed a fine mist into them and sprayed down the pens.

One more step to getting rid of those nasty little invaders. Started the dogs on Diatomaceous Earth and garlic too. I will be grinding their vitamins into their feed as well. If you do this make sure you do the research and get the right kind of DE and learn how much to give as well. Remember what you do is up to you. You are responsible.

By the way; yes I did drag my tired butt out to vote.

Life is a journey, one day one step at a time
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch

Monday, November 03, 2008

Political ramblings and such

Wow what a bellowing ass. I just listened to a person go on and on about the elections. Fear mongering. I sincerely doubt he thought he was doing that, but that is what it sounded like to me.

Here is my suggestion. Vote your conscience.

I would say the meeting I was in was a total waste of time. Except for the fact that I became so annoyed that I actually am going to vote. Which way am I voting? OK, I’ll tell you. I am voting my conscience.

Frankly I’ve heard so much crap about the candidates that I really did not want to vote at all. I was hoping that the electoral college knew more than I did. When I first learned about the electoral college I was flabbergasted. Yup that’s the word, flabbergasted. I was in college fresh out of high school, and thought I knew everything. Much to my amazement, I found out that I didn’t know everything.

At any rate, as the years have gone by and I’ve listened to the ranting of numerous uninformed individuals, I have become more and more thankful for the electoral college.

Yes it is still important to go and vote. The electoral college has gone against the popular vote twice in the history of the USA. The popular vote determines who is in the senate and house as well as all of your local officials. The President has an extremely difficult time implementing any of his ambitions for the country if the house and senate do not get behind him.

Case in point. The Regan and Clinton administrations. It seemed like every time Regan turned around the house and senate were blocking him. What can I say, I liked President Regan. Something about him rang true.

I liked Bill Clinton too. I’ve never been so disgusted and disappointed in the Republican party in my entire life as during the Clinton administration. Muckraking monsters, wasting our money digging around in the Clinton’s personal lives and personal business. None of that crap should have been brought up while they were in office if at all.

Frankly that nonsense about his sexual life was pathetic. OK the man is a b*tch magnet. Like we didn’t know that when we voted for him. Unless he was molesting children, or raping someone, his personal life was no ones business but his own. How he and Hillary dealt with their personal lives is their personal business. Not ours. OK he was a whore monger. So what. He was good at his job, and frankly I don’t think he was elected because of his private sexual practices.

Yeah, OK I am venting. It’s my blog, I’ll vent in it.

I hear people b*tching and complaining about our political leaders. Yes I get frustrated and b*tch a bit too. Lord knows I don’t always agree with their decisions. Some over the past 8 years have left me fuming.

But, and it’s a big but too. I know that nothing is ever as simple as it seems. There are always many ways to look at each situation and pros and cons to every decision. The only thing they can do is what they believe is the best thing at the time.

You don’t like the decisions being made. Then get off your complaining ass and go do something about it. What do I mean by that? Do I mean vote? Yes vote, then get involved in local politics. Be a part of running your communities. Wow that sounds like work. Oh yes it is. Will people thank you for it? Hmmmm, what do you think? A few will, the rest will sit on their collective asses and b*tch just like you were before you got involved; and actually found out that nothing is as simple, or easy, as it seems when it comes to being a leader. At any level.

Yatta yatta yatta, that’s all for now.

Life is a journey, each step you take is up to you.
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Game over, do you want another game? Yes? No?

Wow, what a summer and autumn. Happily there is still some autumn left. Part of me is happy about that; part of me is screaming because I don’t have more done. Another part just shuts down and stares. Although I will admit that I am in a much better place than I have been in a while.

Even though I feel like I’ve spewed all over everywhere, as in a gigantic emotional vomit dripping off my blogs; writing and posting has been a benefit in working through all the emotional, physical, financial mess my life has been. Time to pull out the bloody weeds and move on.

Yes there will more than likely be more emotional rollercoaster rides, but I am stronger than I was. Did I hurt some people in my volcanic emotional eruption? Yes I did. Was it deliberate? That question draws a huge blank in my mind. So maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. Frankly it’s more complicated than that.

The events of the past few months have changed my perspective on my childhood big time. Some people I used to accept as being honest and forthcoming I found to be pretty devious. Makes me wonder about a lot of things that I accepted to be true. Perhaps they weren’t.

Actually I think I’ve been a rube quite a bit in a couple of relationships. I was extremely angry and hurt. Now I am not sure where I am with it. Part of me would like to talk things over with her. Another part doesn’t want any part of her.

The “her” in question is my mother. The other relationship is with my cousin. I will be civil to her but I am done running after Linda.

I don’t understand the dynamic there. My husband says they are jealous. Perhaps he is right. Both can certainly be hateful.

Mom used to call me the rich b*tch. Then laugh. Or it was, not all of us are rich b*itches. Makes me wonder just how they would react if I was truly rich financially.

I have noticed that she seems much happier around me when we are in financial crises. Lord knows the past 5 years have put us there more than once. It’s taken a lot to get things turned around at all after hospital bills, and losing my income from the equation.

Frankly it’s time to get healthy and make some money.

Not only make some money, get stable and actually live my life as well. I offered them a way to come along; I am not staying back with them any more. I am moving on; if they want to stay in their self made hell they can. When I visit with them I will be wearing a fireproof suit from now on. At least that is the plan. I am sure there will be some toxic burn here and there.

All the lies and games this year make me wonder what else they’ve been lying about. Pretty disillusioned about that. Yes I am still angry. Very angry. Angry that I walked into it over and over again; because they were family. Family takes care of family. Trying to be the good daughter and actually playing the part of a victim and enabler over and over again.

I have got to get my self out the door and work in the kennels. Have so much more to work through though. Will have to be later.

I wasn’t going to put all this on my blogs. I really felt exposed. All my emotional garbage out there for the world to see.

What if what if what if what if what if.

Well what if nothing, I did it. Sh*t hit the fan; yes even more than it was before, and I am still here. Stronger than I was before. This is a part of me. I am really good at some things, seriously suck at others, intelligent, omg fat, compulsive, have some garbage to work through, beautiful-or so my husband says, alive.

Mainly I am alive. Not dead still in a body. My body needs some work. Seriously, I am sooooo out of shape. I have been slowly killing myself with compulsive eating. I’ve ballooned up to 292 lbs.

I am actually ok with it. The 292 lbs that is. How strange is that. No panic, just a calm. Maybe it’s exhaustion, or just maybe it is the beginning of a new day. I think it’s the beginning of a new day.

Now I do have to go. There is a job that I need to take care of in the kennel that I really do not want to do. But, it is something that needs to be taken care of to be humane. It is one of the hard things. I need to bid an old girl, whose health is failing dramatically, adieu. It’s cruel to make her stay so I am going to help her on her way.

Ok out the door.

Life is a journey, with great gifts come great responsibility. Life is a great gift.
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch

It’s 1:43 a.m. on October 30, 2008.

All hallows eve. Halloween has been one of my favorite holidays my whole life. Maybe I’ll dress up as something and go people watching. I love to see all the different costumes. The kids trick or treating is one of the major things I miss from living in town. I loved watching them. Giving the parents cider and the kids candy.

Mom used to decorate the south wall of our living room in the house on the hill. I loved that house. My childhood home. No paint on the outside walls, but love inside. Halloween, Christmas, the first day of school; those were special days. Making scrapbooks with Cambell kids and vegetables, number flash cards, a toy cow that mooed, a tiny piano. Playhouse downstairs. Johnny Quest on Saturdays. That program scared me so much I felt like monsters were going to come through the basement door. And they did. Human monsters stealing food from our freezer, chasing after a young girl with sexual intent.

Mom was always worried that someone would snatch me up and take me away. Afraid to let me go and visit my father. Who knows maybe I wouldn’t have come back. Might not have been a bad thing. The monsters were already in our house, by invitation. One of Uncle Gene’s strays. I’m not sure what to call the men he would show up with. They never really seemed like his friends. I don’t know. I do know one of them was a sexual predator. I know this because he came after me when I was a very little girl; in our milk barn. The creep’s name was Bill. I remember he had a mustache and very dark hair. Not black hair but very dark. He was white. Younger than Uncle Gene I think. I was small enough that I fit through the hole in the barn wall left by a missing board. I must have been 4 years old. I am not sure how long Uncle Gene and the monster were there. I don’t remember ever seeing that monster again. Uncle Gene never did anything like that to me. Just screamed and yelled, over and over and over and over and over. You never knew what would set him off.

The other monster is dead now. He died in a jeep accident in Turkey. He had gone into the military after high school. I remember that. I was somewhere under 9 years old when he came after me. I crawled under a bunch of mattresses and box springs that were leaning up against a wall in our basement and hid. His name was Hanson. He was the son of one of my mom’s friends. I think he was 8 or 9 years older than I was. I am not sure; maybe older. I am not sure. I remember when he died, not the date but being told that he died a week or so before he was coming home. In a jeep accident. I wonder how many other young girls he went after before he died. I wonder how many that other monster went after. I didn’t tell when I was a child. I just ran and hid.

I wonder why I can’t remember 2nd grade. Its as if the year just disappeared.

Grandma used to make me pretty little dresses for the first day of school. So pretty. Mom made me a sewing box once. I loved it. Sour cream cookies and thunder storms. Granddaddy longlegs and rain. Tiny glass Siamese cats, glass horses, dolls on a shelf. Pillows with fringe. Bandaged legs, and tree fans to swat the flies away. A lion water fountain and the Scottsbluff zoo.

Black and white mechanical rider horse. Bonanza, Gunsmoke, High Chapparel, Combat, Bewitched, Ed Sullivan. Bit’s and pieces of childhood. Mexican music as I was playing by the barn with my troll dolls. I always feel happy when I hear Mexican music. Happy memories of early childhood playing in the warm sun. Safe in the sun. I hid their toys under a board once. Felt guilty about it forever. Felt more at home with Hispanic people than white ever since I was a child. Ironically I am a light skinned white. I had deep red hair, brown eyes, very white skin, and millions of freckles as a child. My hair has darkened, and is now flecked with silver, eyes are still brown, but behind glasses now, way too much fat is hiding my body, still have very freckled arms, although they are darkened somewhat from repeated sunburns over the years.

Have had one skin cancer taken off my face so far.

I have been trying to remember some positive things from my childhood. There was a lot of sh*t, but there were some good things too. Sometimes I wish I had died in that car wreck when I was 14. I woke up so angry in the hospital that I was still here. I didn’t want to be in this body any more. Sometimes I sound like such a whiney sh*t. A whiney tired sh*t.

A whiney tired sh*t that has shut down. Not bathing, buried in food, hiding in the TV, not sleeping for weeks. Actually it has been months since I have slept very well. On the edge of completely flipping out. Flipping back and forth around and around; from angry to a rage, to numb, to so sad, to controllable crying, sit and stare.

Doesn’t really matter whether the tv is on or not. Just sit and stare. Haven’t let myself think about all that insulin in the frig. Best not dwell on it now either.

I remember one Veretekk online meeting where Tom was just livid because some guy he had been working with checked out. He was so pissed that the guy cashed in his chips. I wonder just why he was so pissed. Because he missed the guy, or because he was powerless to stop it from happening. It is a b*tch to be left behind.

People freak out over people punching their own ticket. But you know no one knows what’s going on with that person besides that person. You can’t stop it as an outsider. Yes everyone else is an outsider in this event. Death is a very personal thing.

If I knew for sure that there was peace, internal peace-rest, on the other side if I punched my own ticket. Nothing would keep me here. Nothing.

I know it’s not my time yet. I nearly made it out of here when I had that bowel obstruction. I remember that peace. I crave it now. Total peace, and no it wasn’t the morphine. I had morphine after my last surgery and it didn’t have that effect. Total peace. So wonderful.

I remember that another time. Beautiful darkness; so totally black no light at all. Sinking farther and farther away, then some screaming emt dragging me back to the surface. Dragging me back to the surface light. Dragging me away from no pain, beautiful darkness, and peace to pain and years of physical recovery; and emotional turmoil.

F**king people think they are helping and all they are actually doing is prolonging a prison sentence. Trapped in a decomposing body ensnared in a tornado of emotional pain. Raw jagged pain.

I never knew who that EMT was. That is probably a good thing.

This planet is really beautiful. So much beauty, so much pain.

Life is a journey, walking on a razor's edge, the thin line between life and death
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch

Good by tomato plants: October 13th, 2008

Good by tomato plants; they are very thoroughly frosted this morning. Cloudy days are gone for a bit. Beautiful bright sunshine out there this morning. I do hope it warms up quickly or it will be pretty cold tonight. Clear skies equal colder nights, if the warmer air mass hasn’t come in. Otherwise the cloud cover helps to keep it warmer.

I am going to go out and get the dogs taken care of, then head into Scottsbluff for supplies. I want to make it back home before dark. The ground is still pretty warm and with the colder air, there will be fog tonight. Makes it easier for me to breathe, however I can do without trying to drive in it.

Must empty out my truck before I head to town. I have the back full of dog crates, and the back seat full of paper for the kennels.

10:17 p.m….never made it into town. Spent most of the day frozen in place. Frustrating that is.

You know I am so fed up with the whole bloody mess. I am angry at being put in this position. Angry at myself for allowing it, and livid with being taken advantage of.

Life is a journey, more rocks in the road
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch

Brrr… it is actually snowing a bit: October 12th, 2008

Cold drizzling rain last night on and off most of the night.

I did manage to get most of the meals done for David’s road lunches. Changed a couple out as I was working on the menus. Didn’t finish up last night till around 2:00 a.m. The meals turned out pretty good overall.

I am supposed to be in Torrington at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow. Frankly I really do not feel like getting in there that early. Mornings can be a bit of a bugger for me since this last mess with my back. It amazes me just how fast I get tired. No not tired, exhausted. Both physically and emotionally.

Truthfully I think the major issue is emotional feeding into the physical.

I feel like I am stuck in neutral. Just idling, not fully functional. Barely functional in fact. If it does snow much I won’t be taking that van to the garage in the morning. The roads are already wet, wet ice and snow and I am not trying to get up the hill to the highway.

Supposed to have 6 cords of firewood coming in this week. The coal guy called and said he had a bit of a difficult time coming up with any quality lump coal. Said he was none too happy with what he was able to get; but that it was all he could get.

I think we will take a ton or 2 anyway. I would like to have it stored in the quonset in a big tank. To keep the rain and snow off it. Keep it from deteriorating in the weather. Makes a nice steady heat.

Life is a journey, take another step
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch

Brrrrrrr: October 11th, 2008

Cold rain now, just a miserable drizzle. It is supposed to change into freezing rain then snow. Possibly 1 to 5 inches of snow. Just brr. Frankly I hope we don’t get the snow this time around.

This coming week is supposed to be warmer. In the 60’s. I need to spray the dog runs down again and rake up the mess. Then put bedding in the houses and front of the dog runs.

David had a low blood sugar episode early this morning. I am glad I was here to catch it. I gave him a short can of coke. That usually brings his sugar up; that cold sweat thing means he is pretty far into it. I am glad he woke up. I worry that he just won’t wake up sometime. I’ll sure miss him if that happens.

We postponed the next wave of dogs to go to the staging area. That gives me a bit more time to work through who is going and who is not. I have reduced my kennel down quite a bit. Much more and I am going to lose my various blood lines. Working on the rest of the rescues that came in here. Move more of those out to their new homes. Nice dry warm homes. Rather than cold drizzle. Yes they have dog houses, but it can still be pretty cold when the initial weather changes come on.

David is out of lunches for work so it’s time to cook up some menus so he can take meals with him for the trip to the mines and back. I am not thinking very clearly but I need to figure something out.

Roast beef and veggies
roast pork and veggies
jalapeño sausage w/red beans and rice
stroganoff w/hamburger
Mac-n-cheese w/veggies & hamburger
Lasagna –skillet
polish sausage and cornbread
hamburger steak
biscuits and gravy
beef & bean enchilada layer bake

That’s all I can think of for now. 10 different entrees will work out to 40 meals. Now to get started.

Mom and I tried to work out some more on the dogs. I have been trying to include her in the placement process. I am not sure if that is making it harder or easier for her. She called crying this morning. I did a fair amount of that myself yesterday. It is difficult to let go of the dogs that are going out. But it is better for the dogs. Truthfully if I had some help to work with the dogs it wouldn’t be necessary to place any more.

Change that it wouldn’t be necessary to place any more through the rescues. As difficult as this process has been I am extremely thankful for the help from the rescues. They have been invaluable in this process.

Sorting through them has been quite the job. The initial rescue I have been working with has been handling that process. She is pretty thorough in her research. Thank God! People in rescue run the full gamut from really great to just flat scary. Same as with dog breeders, or any other segment of society.

The septic system is installed at my cousin’s place. The main contractor got in there and wrapped it up pretty quickly. I was very happy to hear that the job was finished. Why my cousin had to play childish communication games is beyond me. Always some nonsense to try and get people to run after her. Then to call my mother and try to create more havoc between my mother and myself and my 93 year old aunt is just way past the limit. Childish pathetic, spiteful, ungrateful hateful, nonsense; that about covers that. No thank-you for stepping up and getting the contractor hired and the job completed. No not from her. Just hateful troublemaking as usual. I will give her this, she at least had enough courtesy to call our aunt and thank her for footing the bill for her septic system.

Makes me sad that such a simple situation was turned into a nightmare by someone that should have just said thank-you.

Nothing I can do about that though. Would have been nice if we could have worked together. Or have been friends, but that just seems impossible. It’s like walking on egg shells with this 50 plus year old woman. You never know when she is going to go sulking off rather than discussing things or following through. Always the whisper, whisper, sneak with her. I don’t know why I expected anything else from her; as long as I can remember she has been this way with me.

From the time I was a child on to now. Unreal nonsense. One of the major things that sticks out in my mind was the bawling temper tantrum she threw at my wedding. Simply because she was asked to wait until the photographer took the main wedding photos; to take her photos, so the flash wouldn’t interfere with his flash, and ruin the photos. She is decent with a camera, would have been great if she had stepped up to help him. But no, she had to have a bawling temper tantrum and run out of the wedding.

Always some temper tantrum or some side dig. Frankly it’s exhausting dealing with her. I am not doing a very good job of just laying it down and moving on. Not at this point.

All of the mess with the septic system, sorting through my mom’s dogs, and placing so many has made my emotions a raw jumble. Doesn’t take much to make them spaz out of control.

Yesterday was a prime example of that. Discuss dogs, and then bawl. Discuss dogs, and then bawl. I got off the phone before I was overwhelmed with emotions. But they were just under the surface, erupting all over the place over and over all bloody day.

Today is an overwhelming sense of sadness and exhaustion. Topped of by a good dose of fear after the episode with David this morning. Really reinforced the issue of having the kennels small enough for me to handle on my own. So far we have been catching the sugar lows, before he goes into a coma. I’ve gotta get myself in check, the last thing he needs when he wakes up is some hysterical female coming unglued.

The irony is that he doesn’t remember what happens when his sugar really drops. So he has no idea why I am so frazzled. When I can’t get my emotions back in check. I stay pretty calm when he is in crisis and just do what ever needs to be done. It’s afterwards that I go bat sh*t nuts.

AAAAARRRRRAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At the top of my lungs!

It’s probably a good thing that he doesn’t remember what it’s like when his sugar drops. Makes it easier for him to live his life.

Good grief it is already 3:13 p.m. Get your butt up and go out to the freezer and get supplies and start cooking before there are no meals ready when he is called to work. Just deal with it. MOVE NOW!

Life is a journey…some days are frazzling.
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch


Good morning old friend: October 7th, 2008

Beautiful autumn morning today. I seriously need to get out the door and work in the kennels. Feed, water, clean, and so on. I am so thankful that I found Cedarcide. That stuff really works on those nasty fleas.

Strictly on contact though. I was going to say that it would have been better if the fleas had never been introduced to our happy hairball home. But then that is obvious.

I did my best, with what I had. At least now I know where to get a non toxic product to kill fleas mosquitoes and a many more nasty insects. This information will come in handy in the future, because you know we will encounter these little monsters again.

25 more dogs went into the first stage of placement this past weekend. My prayer is that each and every one of them gets a loving lifetime home. Never again will I allow myself to be so overloaded that I fall short on individual attention for dogs that I am responsible for. Be they my dogs or rescues. Who am I saying this too? More myself than anyone else.

On the one hand this whole situation has been absolutely horrific; on the other hand it has been an example of how rescue people and breeders can work together for the good of the dog.

People certainly cover the entire spectrum, from the worst of the worst to the best of the best; and everything in between. Doesn’t matter whether they are strictly rescue, work both in rescue and breeding, or strictly breeding. Some are excellent and some are horrific. Then there are the gossip mongers. Wow, what nonsense people can come up with. I think they must be self loathing under their facades. Because they can certainly come up with some hateful, spiteful scenarios. With out a grain of truth. Sometimes I wonder if they have maggots for brains. I don’t know; some people are backbiting hateful creatures. The truly scary things are that people like that have children and or pets.

It can be extremely challenging to weed out the undesirable people. The last thing these wonderful little creatures need is to be put in a situation with a hoarder, or someone that is looking for animals to sell regardless of where they go, or what happens to them. It is sad to see that some people get involved with rescue simply to boost their own poor self images. Or for the kudos you can receive from working in rescue.

You see the same twisted crud in the dog breeding community. Some are for the dollar only, regardless of what happens to the dogs. Others have some twisted self image they feed from the dogs.

Then there are those that are truly there for the dogs. Level headed intelligent caring people that work day to day doing what they do in a consistent manner.

These are the people that I am thankful for. They are the ones that make a positive difference in the dogs' lives and in the lives of the people they come in contact with.

Life is a journey, you encounter all kinds on the trip.
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch

So You think it can't happen to you: October 5th 2008

That could never happen to me; I am a responsible person. I have a plan. I am experienced; I know what I’m doing. I have a plan; a vision in fact. All familiar phrases; seemingly true.
OMG, this year has been an eye opener.

For the love of the dog.
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Enough Already

Head’s up folks, this is an extremely long one. Some of it’s not pretty, it is what came pouring out, and pouring out, and pouring out. Pick and choose, read it, don’t read it, it’s up to you. What is it actually-it’s a bit of life. The good the bad and the ugly.

3:24 a.m. on the first day of October 2008. You guessed it I am not sleeping again. I’ve been working and thinking. Looking back over some recent blog posts. The past couple of months have seriously been like a soap opera. Good grief. The only things missing are sex and murder.

Lots of angst, anger, pain (both physical and emotional), uncontrollable binging, abject grief, sadness, depression, some progress placing dogs, and some harsh realizations, some gorgeous fall nights, and bright brisk mornings along the way as well.

There have been some really wonderful people stepping up to help place the dogs that need socialized. One main rescue has truly been a blessing; coordinating and reviewing the other rescues. I am not placing these dogs directly in client’s homes, because they need to be vetted (spayed/neutered/current vaccinations/etc) and socialized before going to their forever families. The most important thing to me in this situation is that the dogs get wonderful loving lifetime homes.

I received a call from a client of mine last evening looking for a puppy. I apologized and told her that I had put breeding on hold until my kennel was down to size in numbers. I simply will not add more dogs to an already overloaded situation.

On the business side of things, (yes my kennel is a business as well) it’s been an abject nightmare. I have been bleeding dog food to the tune of $1000.00 to $2000.00 a month, and have had to cut the quality of feed as well. At the same time puppy/dog placement ground to a halt because it was taking everything I had physically just to take care of feeding/watering/ bedding them down/ and hauling feed.

This is not how I want my kennel to be operated. It’s important to have good quality feed, grooming, loving attention to each Pomeranian, both puppy and adult; Whether they are to be placed or kept for breeding or show.

I kept asking how am I going to get these dogs placed, how am I going to handle this. Answered prayers came in the form of wonderful volunteers working with rescues. Poms have been going to California, Kansas, Texas, and on. Yes they are afraid, but this will give them the chance to be cuddled, in warm caring situations, and they will adjust from extremely frightened to happy Pomeranian hairballs and go on to their forever homes.

Emotionally it’s been rough all year. I felt so sorry for them; I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to take them but I did it anyway. The poor frightened flea ridden dogs I brought in last fall were terrified to the point of biting and soiling themselves when handled. I did lose one of them in the process of defleaing and deworming them. I was pretty worried that I was going to lose more than that. Some of them were so anemic and weak that they just laid; others were in abject terror. Slowly I watched them come out of their shells. Grow hair, and start playing. Some were in worse condition than others, all were infested with fleas. Not one or two fleas, covered in fleas. I can truly detest those nasty little bugs.

Unfortunately I am very allergic to most flea control products. So it was load up on allergy meds and swell up like a puffer fish and gasp for air like a carp on the riverbank. I managed to get rid of most of the nasty little monsters, and have found a product that I am not as allergic to that really wipes the nasty little critters out. Kills them dead on contact. No at this point I am not selling it, but it works. It smells like cedar, because it is cedar oil based and it works. It works well as a human bug repellant too, without having deet in it. Yes I am allergic to most bug repellants too. Just put cedarcide in the search engines and it will show up.

It’s 4:40 a.m. now and I’ve got to get at least a couple of hours of sleep. The dogs will be rousting me out in an hour or 2.

So much for sleeping. This post is looking a bit like a book. There is still more swirling around in my mind maybe I’ll get some sleep after the kennel is fed and watered in the morning.

Even with the total work overload, I love each and every one of the dogs. I has been rough letting go of them. But I know it is the best thing for them. I am not a hoarder; I can see how it can happen. I cried for a days when I let the first group go.

I was still trying to work with them one at a time for placement and had selected 22 to go to be neutered at a spay/neuter clinic. While they were there I hurt my back/abdominal muscles/ and the muscles around my rib cage so badly that I was partially paralyzed and screaming in pain.

I had been gradually building my strength back up after surgery in September 2005 and thought I was fine to do what I tried. I had unloaded 1200 pounds of feed in 50 pound bags a week before and had just gotten a bit sore. Felt some pulling but nothing major.

August 13th, 2008 I did my major stupidity. I made a little birthday dinner for my cousin Linda. She was here, her mom, and my mom. My mother is in a wheelchair for the most part. She can stand on her own with aid. I was trying to transfer her from a transfer chair to a lift chair and had her put her arms around my neck and hang on. I stood her up, I thought she would be able to hold some of her own weight, something happened and I ended up holding all of her weight; a bit over 200 pounds. All I felt at the time was this kind of a ting or a snapping feeling in my side. Didn’t really hurt then.

The next morning I was ¼ of the way through feeding the dogs and it felt like someone thrust a 10 inch dagger through my side into my abdominal region. By the next morning I couldn’t move my legs back at all. I was partially paralyzed. I couldn’t get out of bed. My husband was not here, he was at work on the train. I fell out of bed and managed to pull myself up the doorframe. Screaming in pain, I couldn’t keep from screaming.

I scared my Mini Tatanka so mad she had an anxiety attack. She is my baby (Pomeranian). My furry heart, she sleeps in her little bed on my night stand by the head of our bed, when she isn’t in the bed with us. Her throat swelled up so bad she was suffocating, I had her on oxygen for 5 hours and the swelling still wasn’t going down. Her little tongue would turn black if I took the oxygen away at all. I was still in awful pain and panicking myself, I know that was making the situation worse. I called a dear friend and she came over and helped me with her. I couldn’t think I was so panicked and so out of it from the pain. My baby nearly died. My friend ground up a Benadryl and gave it to her and within about a ½ hour she was able to breathe without the oxygen again.

I am so thankful she was able to come over; and knew what to do. She lives over 20 miles from me.

I wasn’t able to look after the dogs that I had sent to be neutered, and wasn’t any too sure I would recover the full use of my legs again. So they were the first big group to be relinquished to rescue.

I was terrified to leave Mini and it was already evening so I didn’t make it to the chiropractor. My husband came in just before dark after being gone for 36 hours working on the train (to and from the mines) and fed and watered the dogs. Thank God for his help, there was no way I could do it. He fed and watered the dogs for several weeks, putting extra feed and water buckets in to the dog runs because there was no way I could do it. Not an ideal situation by any means, but they did have feed and water.

I did make it in to the chiropractor. Excellent doctor he is. He told me would see if a series of treatments would work. If we didn’t see improvement soon he said I needed to go to the hospital and get an MRI then discuss it with the doctors to see what course of action we would have to take. Happily there has been progress. Mornings are still difficult, but I can take a step backwards now. I did follow his instructions closely. Alternating ice and heat, I also have a heated massage chair pad that has truly been a blessing. I bought a couple pair of ankle to waist compression pants and have support belts that I use.

A strict restriction to no sitting at my desk, no lifting, no dragging water hoses, no twisting, no bending. Happily I am lifting moderately now, walking, dragging the 100 foot water hose. Although if I try it without the compression pants and belt it feels like my guts are going to fall out. I can contract my abdominal muscles again. I couldn’t do that for a couple of weeks.

This was a serious reality check about the dogs. It was simply too much, I had to have help placing the dogs. I had ordered 500 bales of straw for winter bedding, now there was physically no way I could haul and stack it. I had been scheduled to bug bomb my mother’s house and spray the acreage around her house. I couldn’t lift the tubs and boxes she had her household foodstuffs in, to carry them outside away from the bug bomb. She was going to be staying with us for the duration. I couldn’t get there to pick her up or load her clothes in the car, or lift the portable ramp to bring a smaller power wheelchair over here to use inside the house. Not to mention move things out of my office so she could have some personal space.

If she was here she would have to act independently, not sit in a push transport chair and expect to be moved everywhere. She would have to use a power chair on the ramp coming in and out of my house, as well as in my house. Put it in low speed and take it down/or up the ramp. The ramp isn’t any steeper than the surrounding terrain on this property. Transfer herself from one chair to another without my help, like she does in her own home. Open and close gates for herself. For some reason she doesn’t act independently when she is with me. I don’t know why, she just doesn’t. If she had I wouldn’t have been injured in August.

Do I blame her for my getting hurt in August? I don’t know. I should have said no, but I wanted to help so I tried to. She is my mother, I wanted to help her. Why does she shut down around me and do the dependent thing. I don’t know.

Same reason I took those poor dogs last fall. Yes I did it to help the dogs. But would I have done it they weren’t hers? No I wouldn’t have, because I was still struggling from 5 years of illness and recovery. Things were getting better and I was getting back on my feet, but taking in those dogs knocked me flat.

I refused to take them unless she agreed that they were to be spayed/neutered and placed. I repeated this over and over to her. She said she didn’t want to do that. I told her that was the only way I would take them. She said to take them.

Volunteers from a church group did most of the building on the dog pens. We bought wire and attached it to my cattle panels. The pens went up on top of my little fruit trees. I sprayed the pens before the dogs got here to kill fleas that would jump off them. Then a volunteer and I flea dipped the dogs, transported them to here, then sprayed them again; and put them in their pens. Did it again the next weekend. Two weeks later I went through all of them again with flea spray and deworming.

Then started winterizing the pens. Straw in the dog runs and houses, tin over part of the tops and fronts of the pens.

All this time I thought I was doing the right thing. Helping, she put in for some of the wire and tin. Covered about 2 months worth of feed for her dogs. I did the rest, I didn’t mind doing it. She is on a limited income. I just can’t keep it up forever, there were over 50 here, plus the 12 she had at her place. 4 more of those came over to be cleaned up, so there are 8 there now. Plus the neighborhood of loose cats.

There were dog houses broken down scrubbed and moved over here for some of the dogs. Plus she bought a couple, I provided the rest. Bought the water buckets, the defleaing product, deworming product, dog food, and on and on.

A year goes by and it’s the same mess over there that was when the dogs were removed. Suddenly when I start to place the dogs, she is screaming hysterically she wants the dogs back. I reminded her of our agreement, which of course she denies ever making. She knows she made the agreement. I repeated it over and over and over. The dogs have been here for a year.

Like I needed another 50 plus dogs, give me a break! Enough. I know its damn tough letting someone else have the final say over where dogs go to live. Enough of the, I’m going to die hysterics, Enough of the “If you do this I will never speak to you again crap. It’s time to think of the dogs’ care, stop attacking me, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and start taking responsibility for your bloody actions-or lack thereof.

If she wanted to be with them she could have been here as much as she wanted. There is a 4 wheel drive wheel chair that handles the grades here just fine sitting in my quonset. If I am too exhausted to come running after you and bring you. Get on the phone and find someone else to do it. Keep on the phone till you find someone.

Would have been nice to have someone here when I came in from taking care of the dogs, or even out in the yards with the dogs and I. Would have been really nice to have someone here when my back was spasming and pulling me over backwards after working out with the dogs in the ice and snow for hours on end. Would have been nice to have coffee together. Would have been nice to just be together and possibly getting to know each other as people, while there is still a chance to do that.

Would have, could have, it didn’t happen. So that’s that. Just the way it is.

I will give her this. Mom said she wanted to make the selections as to who was going out first. I said ok, so she came over tried to figure out which dog was which and selected 15 dogs to go. We had a group going out a few days after that so I included 14 of the 15 she selected in the group that went out. When she discovered that I followed through with placing them she came unglued. Screaming in the phone. Bring the rest of those dogs back over here, saying she would take care of them. Of course the yards haven’t been sprayed for fleas over there since the dogs left in the first place.

I asked her if she had someone to take care of them and set their houses and pens up. She screamed in to the phone, you took the houses over there aren’t you going to set them back up in the pens. I said no I am not.

I couldn’t physically do it now even if I wanted to. Not possible. I asked her who was going to haul the feed for her, buy the feed for her, and feed the dogs, I am sorry it’s not going to be me. It’s just too much physically, and it’s gotten to be too much emotionally.

It’s too much for her to handle as well. I was hoping that she had someone to take care of them for her. He lasted less than a week; he didn’t even make it through cleaning the dog pens and yards out. It’s difficult to find people to work at any rate.

For both her sake and the dogs’ sake they need to be placed in other homes. As traumatic as that may be for her.

She says that if I place the dogs she will never speak to me again. I’ve been wading back in to the emotional barrage over and over again for years. Childhood on till now. I kept hoping that we could actually have a healthy relationship; maybe not doing the right things. I don’t know, but I was trying. Crisis after crisis, some real I think, some not; all emotionally draining.

I would still like to have a healthy relationship with my mom. That is true. But, and it’s a huge but, I am drained. I am emotionally and physically exhausted from the barrage. Absolute refusal to take responsibility for herself, blaming others for the predicaments she gets’s herself into.

Since I am her daughter, the responsibility for her unhappiness seems to come my way. I am sorry I am not carrying that load any more. Your unhappiness, your thing, you deal with it yourself-or not. Whatever you decide to do.

I am sorry I am not accepting that package any more= return to sender.

If she decides she wants to talk to me and calls. Will I accept the call? Yes I will. Am I going to run after her? Nope, not at this time. Down the road I may call her. Right now I feel like I’ve been through a series of emotional hurricanes, level 5 hurricanes. Windblown, battered, bruised, and broken. Now the winds have died down a bit and the water has receded and I am leaning but still standing. My reserves washed away in the latest torrent. Kind of looking around like New Orleans after Katrina thinking; wow it’s not flooding emotional crap everywhere.

It’s actually kind of quiet. I look at the phone and, I remember where I’ve seen this before. Mom and Gene did this scream threaten cuss each other, then Gene would go buy her a gift or some thing. Over and over, round and round they went. Verbally clawing each other to pieces over and over and over….year after year, until he died. Then it was scream and bawl because he died.

Personally I hope he is in peace where he is. He didn’t have much of that in this lifetime, but then who knows, maybe he didn’t want it. Don’t know, couldn’t say.

As for me, peace in my heart, mind, and soul is more valuable to me than oxygen.

Yes there is more.

My Aunt Marty decided to help out Linda and her mother, by replacing their septic tank. Quite generous I think.

Things weren’t going along too well so she asked me if I would step in and handle it. Find the appropriate contractor and deal with them. I respect Aunt Marty so I gave her my word that I would. This was about 2 weeks after my latest mess with my back, so I was not fully functional but could certainly handle a phone.

Relatively simple request all in all. Or so you would think. Finding a reliable professional contractor was not an issue. There was a bit to be subcontracted, the first gentleman that was sent up there flat refused to work there, yes he gave details, no I am not listing them. So another person was found. This other person was Dave S.

Then it started. The wheedle.

L- Give me the money for him and I will pay him.
Me-Why on earth would you want to do that when he is subcontracted? No, he is part of the job. What was the bid he gave you?
L-Well there were 2 one high and one low.
M-is he giving them to the contractor to review?
L-No, give me the money and I’ll pay him.
M-What were the bids?
L-one high and one low.
M-Yes I understand that, how much were they and what did they entail.
L-One high and one low, give me the money and I’ll pay him.
M-no, he gets paid from the contractor.
End of conversation.

The bid was sent off from the general contractor and things moved on.

Petty annoying feedback to my mother from Linda: Mary is being insulting on the voice mail. She is leaving her Name and phone number when she leaves a message. I know her phone number.

This came back when I asked my mom if she had spoken to linda, I was wondering if her phone was not working or if something had happened to her.

I was trying to confirm the contractor’s appointment and make sure that she was in agreement in regards to the work to be done, since it is hers and her mother’s property.

So I left her a message and did not include my phone number. However I did the unthinkable and used her name, Linda, instead of calling her Cuz. Once again she refuses to return my calls.

I received the funding for the work, on Friday afternoon. I did not make it into town to the bank that afternoon. Was planning on going Saturday morning.

Here comes the second wheedle.
Saturday morning, visiting with my mom. This was before she decided that I wasn’t worth talking to. Here it comes, out of my mother’s mouth. Mom- Linda asked me to ask you if you would give her the money for Dave instead of giving it to the contractor. She needs to go buy parts with it.

Me- No the money goes to the contractor.

Voice Rising-Mom-Linda needs it for parts. Her puppies died and she needs it for parts.

Me-no I will not, the money goes to the contractor. Dave doesn’t get paid until his part of the job is done. He will be paid by the contractor.

Voice half crying/half screaming- mom-she needs it, I am going to give her 1000.oo and you can just pay me.

Me- if you do that it’s up to you, but I will not cover it in any form. Absolutely not. Frankly it is totally unacceptable that she asked you to get into the middle of this in the first place.

Voice raging-mom-she didn’t ask me. You can pay me what I give her.

Me-No I will not do that. Seriously if she is that short of money she needs to work, or pawn something. I am not doing this, and I think it is outrageous for her to pull you into this.

Very annoyed voice-me-furthermore if you have funds to do that you need to take care of the floor in your dog room. Or fix the lights and heater/air conditioner fan on your van so it is safe to drive.

Voice Pissed off-Mom-GOOD-BY slammed down the phone
The previous conversation took place on Saturday September 20th.

I left several more messages for linda, asking her to give me a call to let me know how things were progressing so I could tell Aunt Marty. No calls were returned.

Sunday and Monday I was even busier getting 31 dogs ready to go out.

Between prepping the dogs and kennel care I was an exhausted person on Tuesday. Tuesday evening I called mom to check in on her and hopefully to visit. She asked me what I had been doing and like a fool I told her.

I am not much on lying or having to hide my life. The sneak around and lie bit just is not me. Frankly it is just not worth the effort to try to keep the stories straight. I have no time nor patience for it.

I was pretty happy to see the dog numbers going down, especially since I knew they were going to be worked with and each and every home would be screened before they were allowed to adopt a dog. I was thinking of wonderful Pomeranians in nice warm homes getting hugs and attention. I was relieved and happy thinking that mom was finally on board since she had actually made some selections to go out of the dogs that had origionally been at her place. And had even gone so far as to say she was going to have to make some more selections/cuts as well. I was relieved that she was actually stepping up to the plate and making some of the hard decisions rather than dumping them on me to make- then screaming at me about the choices I had to make. I was blissfully ignorant of what was coming; I shouldn’t have been, but I was. Mom caught me totally off guard.

Oh My God!

It went from conversation to absolute keening howling scream. Mom-You can just bring the rest of those dogs back over here!

Mary-How are you going to take care of them?

Yelling-Mom-I’ll put them in the dog room.

Mary- Is it cleaned out? Have you been able to get the floor fixed?

Yelling-Mom-No it’s not.

Mary-then how are you going to have the dogs in there? How are you going to get in there with your power chair?

Yelling-Mom- D.S. is going to fix it.

Mary- Oh he is? Good, when is it going to be done? Why didn’t you tell me before?

Yelling-Mom-I didn’t think it was any of your business.

Mary-When is it going to be finished?

Yelling-Mom –bring those dogs over here.

Mary- If I were to bring these dogs over there, and you were inspected they would end up in the pound; and odds are many of them would be put down.

Yell merges into a scream-Mom- Only if you or your friends turn me in.

Mary-Not necessarily.

Mom-They can be out in the pens.

Mary-Don’t you want them in warm homes?

Mom-Your dogs are out in pens.

Mary-That’s right they are in pens with outside dog houses, that’s one of the main reason’s I am accepting the help to get these dogs out into individual lifetime homes. To get the numbers down so I can have them all come inside to sleep when the weather turns bad.

Sounds like at the top of her lungs –Mom- if you do this I will never speak to you again.

Exhausted and sad: Mary-That’s up to you. On another subject. I need updated on what is going on up at Linda’s. I have been trying to reach her for several days and she is not picking up or returning calls. Have you been in contact?

Pissed off voice-Mom- no

Mary-if you talk to her let her know. That if she doesn’t get in contact with me before the funds clear the bank I am going to write out a check and send it back to Aunt M. explaining that I am sorry, but it is impossible for me to verify that the work is being done.

Pissed off voice-Mom- I haven’t talked to her

Annoyed-Mary- Ok, if you do let her know please. I am not going to run after her any more. Frankly she was out of line trying to get the money from you.

Pissy voice-Mom – she didn’t ask and she turned it down, said she couldn’t repay me.

Mary- Oh, really.

Mom-I haven’t talked to her, good by. Click

Less than 15 minutes after the end of this phone call the sub contractor called me and filled me in on what had been done; which wasn’t much. He told me why, and I fully understand. Work should be going forward now. I will be checking in with the subcontractor and the contractor to see how things are going.

I would like to be able to verify it with Linda, as that is simply good business practice. However that does not look like it is going to be a practical possibility.

After I talked with the subcontractor I called Linda one last time. Between 9:53 pm which is when the subcontractor called me. And 10:11 p.m. when Linda called me back.

The reason she gave me for not returning my calls is She new I was mad at her because I used her name, Linda instead of calling her Cuz.

Give me a bloody break! First it’s an insult to leave a return phone number. Then I’m mad because I use her flipping name. I used her name because it was a business call. Not a chit chat mess around call. It was about getting work done before the snow flies. Work that could have already been done had she gotten off her ass to start with. When mom was trying to handle this. A month or more before I was asked.

Am I mad? No, I was annoyed that she tried to wheedle and lie rather than being straightforward to start with. I was angry that she created and involved my mom in another stressful situation, trying to wheedle money once again. Either out of my mother or me.

I am disgusted that she, as in Linda my cousin. Went whining to my mother trying to stir up more trouble when mom is already stressed to the max over these dogs. Whining over a blog post. Trying to drag her two aunts into a nonsensical melee. One woman, my mother, in her 80’s and another in her 90’s. Totally Unacceptable!

There is a comment section on the blogs. If you’re not happy about something written on a blog. Or have an opinion one way or another there it is. Write it out. Own your own sniveling crap.

But then that isn’t what it was about. Seems to me that It was about spite; because I didn’t hand the funds over to her, rather than paying the contractor. If previous behavior over the years is any indicator.

Unfortunately that nonsense is nothing new. It’s a reoccurring behavior from childhood on up. Am I going into a detailed list? No I am not. That is not a purge that I am prepared to get into. Frankly it just isn’t worth it.

I am sorry that her life hasn’t turned out the way she wanted it. I am sorry she is short of funds.

We were having a conversation the other day. I believe it was the day I was trying to get a straight answer out of her regarding the subcontractor’s bid.

She turned a comment into a question and I answered it.

Linda said “You get anything you want don’t you?” We had been talking about money-the contractors and septic.

And I answered her. Yes I suppose I do.

I should have added more to that answer. Yes I suppose.

I get whatever I work for, within reason; and so can you. Work for it, and keep at it until you get it.

Right Now I want to get these dogs into warm loving lifetime homes. That is what I am working for right now.

I was asked the other day. Can she work? Yes she can. Maybe not heavy duty physical stuff. But she could do much more physically if she would work out a bit each day to stretch and condition her muscles.

If I can come back from having my abdominals shredded she can come back from years of years of inactivity. Yes there will be pain.

Christopher Reeves is a major inspiration to me. I have so much respect for that man.

Mindset is one of the major things. If you believe you can, you are right. If you believe you can’t, you are right. You are what you decide to be. Instead of asking why is this happening to me? Why did that happen? Ask how can I make this happen. How do I do this? How do I make that happen?

Take a look at the story of the talents in the bible. It’s a use it or lose it story.

Have there been opportunities for her. Yes there have. I offered her a $4000.00 system at no cost. Offered her the opportunity for some of the best training on the web. By the time she worked her way through that training she would have been prepared to take on any business she chose. With the skills to be successful at it if she so chose. Not Interested.

3 other times I offered her work. One was straight commission for working on line. No public contact what so ever. Not interested.

Twice within the last year I offered her work here. I didn’t give her any details other than saying her mom could come too and watch TV; and/or visit with my mom. As I erroneously thought mom would be here too.
Linda didn’t even ask me what the work was. It was filing, putting puppy books together, and socializing dogs. Playing with dogs. Putting them on leads walking around the enclosures.

Ok, so she doesn’t want to work with me or for me. Got it. But offering work is the only handout she is going to get from me.

Don’t whine to me that you are broke then turn down work. Then hit my mother up for money and supplies.

Am I projecting myself as this great wonderful person? No I am not. I am that I am. Human. One thing I am not is lazy. Whoever or whatever you are; own it. Eventually it will all come out one way or the other anyway.

Don’t believe me, ask Bill Clinton. You will eventually show up as, guess who; you! Like yourself or not, carry your own baggage.

If you want to be able to pay your own bills. And are willing to work, and have internet access. Which we all have, even if we have to go to a library to get it. I can point you in the direction to get things going for very little money or for a more substantial investment. Depending on where your finances are and where your head is. If you are willing to work and are trainable there is money to be made.

If you have no money and refuse to work, then do not whine to me about it.

I was asked if I would print a retraction. No I won’t; I didn’t lie. Are you embarrassed that my perception of your sh*itty behavior was written in my blogs. Alter your sh*itty behavior; that would be one idea.

Here’s another thought, grow a pair and post to the comment section. Don’t go running to my 81 year old mother whining and blubbering. If my mother wants’ to know what’s in my blogs she is more than welcome to read them. Yes she has access if she wants it. I have a computer, so does her neighbor, so does the library. Enough bullsh*it already.

News flash honey 99.9 % of the people that read my posts don’t know who you are; and the other .1% really do not care.

Here is a thought (could be perceived as sh*itty on my part) Get of your lazy ass and go to work! Don’t bother using your mother as an excuse; everything was set in motion for you to receive funding as a care provider working for the state taking care of her. You wouldn’t even file the paperwork and show up for a training meeting.

Yes I know you didn’t, I followed up on it since I had taken my time and efforts once again trying to help you. Money trail isn’t a reason; you would have been “working” for the state not on the dole. Doesn’t matter how much money you weren’t or were making.

It amazes me and frustrates me beyond words when people refuse to do anything to help them selves.

I don’t care who it is. Laziness is a disgusting trait. So are unending whines and excuses.

I used to have this wonderful Sunday School Teacher. Great Guy. I was a total sh*it at the time. In junior high school and a total pill. One thing he said stuck in my head for life: An Excuse is the skin of the truth Stuffed with a Lie.

Every time I hear one, or start to make one, that phrase runs through my mind.

Ok that was my monster sized very long, purge, vent, and rant, and so on.

Does not mean that I won’t have contact with the person’s in question. However do leave the passive/aggressive childish crap out of the equation please.
Enough already.

Like it, don’t like it. There it is.

I wrote from 3:24 a.m. to 1:25 p.m.

Life is a journey, sometimes there are briars growing on the trail.
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch

P.S. One last thing:
As you to bring to others
In either thought or deed
May you be so blessed
In the life you lead

Ten times ten plus one

Whether this is Blessing
Or Cursing be
Is completely up to thee

'Daily Affirmation' Video