Thursday, November 28, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving 2013... glucosamine... tumeric



Gratitudes:
Beautiful sunny moderately warm (46 degrees F) November day
The aroma of fresh baking
An afternoon filled with good food and friends

Happy Thanksgiving Peeps… actually isn’t that what it’s all about… being thankful for the day. No I don’t mean the massive exercise in excess… as in total gluttony… and the nonsensical nasty infighting that seems to go with holiday get togethers…

Such a waste… the abundance of nastiness and infighting that seems to go with holidays… I mean seriously… what is the point in that?!

Perhaps it is David’s passing… that has really brought it to light… so many years missed with loved ones because of selfish nonsensical nasty attitudes… I remember all too well the pain it inflicted on my dear husband… of course it ran rampant through my bloodlines as well… I mean seriously… holidays were a war zone… it got to the point that I just stopped putting dinners together because I did not want to hear it. Or the nasty sniping over dinners and where they were going to be … all the while refusing to step up and host one … geez… or the manipulative put downs designed to steal away joy… yes I heard it this year as well… did not work out too well for them though… I said… ok… and stepped away and accepted an invite to a friend’s house.

I am sorry… but I am just done with it. Actually that is not true… I am not sorry… not any more… I am just done. Huge… yes HUGE… sigh of relief. Stick a fork in it baby… that turkey has been cooked…

Woke up with a nasty headache… it is still there a bit but much much less than it was… I indulged myself today… hot water… zeolite… Epsom salts… lavender oil… eucalyptus oil… ahhhhhhh…. Wonderful soak that was… aromatic steam wafting up of the surface of the water… makes ya want to have gills so you can just slip down under the water and stay there…

But alas… no gills… and I had some baking to do so… I climbed out of the tub and got on with it…

Whole grain double cornbread… 3 berry walnut whole grain mini muffins made with honey… did not frost them… whipped some butter, cream cheese, and a bit of vanilla together… for a top it yourself side… made some cranberry, orange, pecan, honey, relish to take along too…. Actually made that last night… it is better when it sets… gives that bittersweet more time to blend… wonderful with meats … well I like it with meats… lol… if you don’t like bittersweet you won’t like it… lol…

There is a breeze blowing… I can hear the tinkling of the wind chimes hanging on the corner of the house… stood a bit this morning and watched the birds lined up on the fence… seemingly taking turns at the feeder… there are flocks of birds in the evergreen trees… walk out under the trees and suddenly there is the rush of the sound of many small sets of wings flying over to another tree… there is running water for them here too… have to be a bit careful going into the chicken house… as entry tends to startle the small wild birds out… and they fly out by your head… good reason to wear a hat with a brim… in case one of the little feathered flyers miss-judges the distance…

Quite a bit of the swelling has gone down out of my legs after being home yesterday and elevating them on and off throughout the day… thankfully my glucosamine was delivered last night… I’d ran out and without it the pain level is considerably higher. There is another gratitude: glucosamine.

Had some turmeric capsules in that delivery as well… they say turmeric is good for blood vessels… hardening of the arteries and such… thinking over time I will find out if that is true or not… they also say it is good to reduce anxiety and improve depression… hmmmmm… well… I can say this… no depressive drops… or anxiety spikes today… not debilitating anyway… going to another person’s home has been a huge panic/anxiety trigger ever since David passed. Hmmmmm…. This is a good thing…

I am going to go and relax in the recliner until it is time to head to dinner and conversation…

May your day be filled with joy…


Mary E. Robbins
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Friday, November 22, 2013

Glad to be Home



I am home home home... the Pominators... Mastiffs... and Cat Trio... have all been run outside to do their business and back in... there were still embers in the wood stove when I got home... stuck some more wood in there and got it going... thankful for the little elec heater that took up the slack...

Took it pretty slow coming home... dark and icy... makes for a cautious Mary.... got home with no incidents... other than meeting a semi in an icy curve... ick...

Dinner is a done deal... I was a hungry hound and nuked some sausage/onion/potato/veggie stew for dinner... having some coffee and a 1/2 cup of peanut butter ice cream for dessert...

Making some beef minestrone for the luncheon tomorrow... have that started on the stove.

Filled up the fuel tanks on my truck... yeouch that was a bite in the pocket to be sure. Gotta get the jeep into the shop and see what is up with that check engine light so I can drive her... she gets better mileage... yes my jeep is a she... she is my silver bullet...

Looked out the kitchen window in the subzero cold of this morning and had a treat... a visual treat that is... there were sparrows... magpies... starlings... and blue jays all at the bird feeder... I love watching them... I stood there a bit while I was washing dishes and just enjoyed them...

I am sooooo glad my truck started this morning... it was one of those be thankful for what has gone before moments... if the check engine light had not kicked on I would have not known my battery needed to be replaced and there was no way that old battery would have started my truck this morning...

Even with the emotional roller-coaster of the early morning... over all today has been a good day... made it too and from town with no accidents... have a warm place to sleep... and food to eat...

May you walk in peace...


Mary E. Robbins
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Monday, November 18, 2013

Monday Morning Gratitudes



Gratitudes:
Hot cup of coffee
Friends
Mow Mow Tat

Good morning Peeps…


Mary E. Robbins
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Sunday, November 17, 2013

A bit of verse... and a full day...



A bit of verse came dancing through my mind...
may you enjoy...

This is a night for dragons flight
Sailing across the sky…

Dipping and diving
Dancing through the clouds

Rolling and lolling
In the pure moon light

Iridescent in their glory
Moonlight in their eyes

Open your eyes and see
Wonders such as these


Chickens fed... ducks fed and their water tank washed out... it was too much fun watching them play in the clean water... they get in that low tank and splash and dive their heads down... quacking away... sounded like a duck party... I'm thinking that quacking was duck laughter...

Bedroom windows, bathroom window, and living room windows… done… done… done… I was putting on a second layer of plastic with an air barrier in between the first layer… I was using duct tape… but for some reason it just would not stick… rotten stuff… actually it was a new roll… teach me to buy cheap duct tape… well I did it sort of the old fashioned way instead… I actually I used a base … in this case rolled dog food bags into about a 2 inch strip… and stapled it on.

I had been having a problem with smoke coming through the bedroom windows unless the wind was blowing… not any more… yeah baby… ok so I have colorful borders around my windows… such is life… or should I say it is the repurposing way… hehehehe….

Still need to do the upstairs windows… but that is so not happening tonight…

Got part of the laundry done… compression pants washed and hanging in the bathroom… stripped the bed and washed the sheets… towels in the washer now…

Doing a bit of prep work for the weeks meals… trying to eat more nutritiously … this body does much better on good quality fuel…

Got a cart load of wood in for the wood stove as well… changed out the vac filter…took out ashes… brought the hairballs and mastiffs in… the kitty trio are coming in to sleep at night now too… the girls had caught nasty colds… I have been opening a capsule of Echinacea and dumping it in their water… no more snotty noses and sneezing… yay! I was pretty worried about Curley and Mo… Larry is recovering nicely from his neuter… or so it seems anyway… all three have good appetites again.

Had to go outside and just enjoy that moon… wow… so beautiful… lighting up the sky. Took a bit of amaretto out with me and sat in my chair and just soaked it up… yes that is when that verse came skipping through my mind… I didn’t sit there too long because I could feel myself relaxing… and would have been quite content to drift off to sleep in the moonlight even though it is rather nippy out with the wind blowing… with what I was wearing I probably would have woken up on the other side….

It seems it is not time for that as of yet… so I came back inside… it is truly a beautiful night…

Time to check the oven… the timer is going off…. Veggies already in the frig … have some pork steaks roasting… it’s going to be a porky week… hehehe…

Then going to stick my feet up… as I am truly tired…

Nite peeps… may you rest well…


Mary E. Robbins
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 Gratitudes:
a roof over my head
breakfast... homefries, slice of bacon, 2 eggs and some grapes... oh yeah and coffee...
a day at home

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Choice...



Gratitudes:
Ears to hear
Eyes to see
A fire to warm by


Good morning peeps… a bit of rambling… and a bit of prose/poetry… about choice…

The past few days have been good… bad… interesting… all and not…

Yesterday I ran head on into… what shall I call it… geez… it’s a bit like stepping in a runoff of toxic sludge. No not literally a mudslide of toxic sludge… I am talking about an attitude… a way of thinking… truth be told it is the life path this particular person has chosen.

This person has chosen a path of fear… judgment… paranoia… condemnation… and is insistent that all others walking in this life should walk same said path… or be damned. This person is walking along… (figuratively speaking of course) with a fire hose… spraying all those within reach with a coating of toxic waste… the truly frustrating thing… well frustrating for me… is this person is doing this in the name of one so glorious and giving… saying it is this being’s will… judging and condemning all those that do not immediately conform to this person’s dark and dreary way… all the while proclaiming I am a herald… follow me… I am a herald… I command you to follow me… for I am a herald… you must follow me… you are less than… your path is foul… follow me… I know the way… as he trudges along in the toxic waste of his chosen path… in deliberate ignorance…

Refusing to see… refusing to hear… starving when a banquet is set before him… choices…

Yes I would like to reach out and shake this person and say… drop the scales from your eyes and see… or even pry them off said eyes… and expose them to the light… but it is not up to me… to force him to see… blindness or sight… tis his choice…

I would hand him a goblet of water to drink… or perchance a fine wine to quench his thirst… but said is refused and condemned as being less than… as his spirit shrivels and shrinks for want of drink… so I will leave the goblets setting on the banquet table… they are there filled to overflowing if he chooses to drink…

As for me… I am greeting the morning sun… savoring the light of the moon… giving thanks for eyes to see… ears to hear… a mind to think… a spirit to soar… as I meditate and recharge… from being sprayed with his souls sucking toxic waste…

Initially I reacted in hurt then anger… in response to the ignorant judgment and condemnation directed my way. One of so little experience and knowledge to be so hateful and judgmental… but isn’t that usually the way… hateful creatures… spewing judgment… fear… condemnation … and calling it love… calling it God’s love … no less…

Choice is such a tricky thing… that was a be careful what you ask for moment if there ever was one… seeking the gift of choice…

I can choose to stay in hurt and anger and allow that to fester in to judgment and condemnation… or I can step back and see that his words really have nothing to do with me… they are a reflection of his own toxic path… a path he has chosen… yes I would reach out my hand to help him out of the mire… but it is his choice as to whether he will accept it or reject it and allow himself to see…

I can choose to mire myself in his condemnation and pain… or I can choose to forgive… I can choose to love him anyway and step back and allow him to follow his path … yes his words were deliberate and hurtful… but I have choice as well… and I choose to be free… to actually live… and to be free it is necessary for me to forgive… to love … this does not make his words ok… nor does it make me accepting of them… it actually frees me of their toxic grasp…


This bit of poetry… or prose… however you choose to see it… came spilling out of my fingertips this morn…

For those that have ears…
Let them hear…

For those that have eyes…
Let them see…

For those that have life…
Let them live…

I am sorry that you will not see…
But I will not put out my eyes because you have chosen to be blind…

I am sorry that you will not hear…
But I will not destroy my ears because you have chosen to be deaf…

I am sorry you have chosen to make your life barren…
But I will not refuse the gifts because you have chosen to deny…

I am sorry that you have chosen to starve…
But I will not refuse the banquet because you refuse to eat…

Seeing… hearing…living…
Both blessing and curse…

Peaches have pits…
Roses have thorns…

Would you deny the taste of the peach…
To avoid the hardness of the pit…

Would you ignore the beauty of the rose…
To avoid the sharpness of the thorn…

Would you deny the richness of life…
To avoid the depths of despair…

You have choice…
May you use it well…

*******

Oh yes… and before anyone gets up in the air about it… this is not literal… it is not aimed at the physically blind, nor the physically deaf… nor the physically starving… I mean… seriously… get a grip… no there was not a man walking about town with a fire hose spraying toxic sludge… not literally…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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Sunday, November 10, 2013

back inside from doing ranch rounds



Back inside from doing ranch rounds… Brought in 2 cartloads of firewood… still no eggs from the girls (hens)… either they are not laying or something is eating them. I am thinking they are not laying… the quackers (ducks) are vocal souls… quacking away as they follow me around their yard… cleaned out all the waters and refilled them… feed the critters all around…

Then stopped and just soaked in the night… it is a calm night … absolutely beautiful… and filled with energy… today has been a series of swings from one side of the spectrum to the other… it felt really good to just stand out in the moonlight and recharge… perchance that sounds strange to some… but I know others will understand it…

Having a bit of beef, baked potato, and some romaine for dinner… brought in the Pominators and mastiffs… gave all their evening rations and treats… now they are all quiet in for the night…

Was very glad to be home today… I’ve been really tired… mentally… spiritually… and physically… thinking I may go out and sit in my chair and savor the night… it is so beautiful…

It’s strange… I love the night… as long as I am home and not driving… put me in a car or truck at night and the anxiety/panic attacks go off the friggen charts…

I remember when I was a teenager… going out into the pasture and lying there at night watching the stars… so beautiful… it was quiet out there… no one knew exactly where I was… no one was yelling at me because frankly I was just gone… the coyotes would go running on by yipping… never bothered me either… peace in the night…

During the day… given half a chance… I would disappear out to the cemetery and walk around… it was so quiet and peaceful… if they were looking for me they would never look there… another favorite haunt of mine was under the irrigation canal bridges… well …when the water was not in there that is… I’d sit under the bridge and listen to the cars and trucks go over… all out of sight… hmmmmm… perhaps I was the troll under the bridge…

When I was at university in Tulsa… I used to disappear under the bridges over the Arkansas River… sit there and watch the water go by… and listen to the traffic going over… sitting up under the bridge where no one could see me… it was peaceful… watching the water swirling on by…

Timer on the oven just sounded… dinner time… 


Mary E. Robbins
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Saturday, November 09, 2013

rough go last night



Gratitudes: Hot coffee…breakfast… a warm place to sleep

Good Morning Peeps...tired this morning... rough go getting home last night. Still not doing so grand being out or driving at night... friggen panic attacks/anxiety... triggers me back to the night David died... in any event I did make it home... managed dinner and that was the end of it... exhausted on the couch... zzzzzzzzz....

On an up note... I did make the drive... without running off the road or any accidents along the way... made it without having to pull over too... so there is another victory... yay...

I seriously could have done without the emotional rollercoaster ride. Geez… but that does leave a body exhausted. Bugger it… out of time… gotta go…

Mary E. Robbins
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Friday, November 08, 2013

May you all walk free



Gratitudes:
beautiful sunrise
warm house
good friends...

I read this post from Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd and wanted to write them a thank you note… then I thought … the more people that see this the better… may you all walk free…

The thank you note:

Thanks for posting this… I just came through a situation… correction I am still working my way through a situation… steeped in disrespect and abuse.

This person caught me totally off guard and triggered me back to a time when I was a child and did not have the option of “walking away”…

I caught myself turning back into that terrified child… wanting to coddle and console the abuser because I had done something wrong and needed to be forgiven for the imaginary wrong and take care of their hurt… all the while my heart breaking … crying out… how am I so wrong… how is what I did so terrible…

It is so easy… to fall back into old ingrained patterns… to allow caring and empathy to turn into enabling and codependency… to step into … or fall into that caretaker victim role once again.

Actually easy is not the right word for this… for there is nothing “easy” about it.

The length of time this person put into laying the groundwork for this dominance attack is frankly rather amazing to me… however I am no longer that frightened child… mourning widow yes… but frightened child no… no matter how painful or difficult it may be… I can… will… and have … stepped away from stepped away…

Doesn’t mean that I don’t care… for I do… what it does mean is that abuse is no longer tolerated here…

Give yourself a hug… lift your face to the wind… savor the mornings sunrise… taste the freedom… and walk away…


Post from Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd:

A note to my future life

Dear 'not nice people' of the world

I used to take so much crap from anyone, walked on egg shells around people, who couldn't care less what they did to me, what harm they caused.

I've put up with emotional, verbal abuse, name calling, being blamed for things that were not my issue, being shamed into accepting guilt for things I did not cause, for most of my life, having people walk all over me.

For a long time, I didn't believe I deserved any better.

But, now I do.

Now I know my self worth, I have self respect and know I deserve kindness and I expect the same respect I give to others.

I won't be the doormat to anyone's issues anymore.

I accept and have empathy for people's issues, but I do not need to allow myself to be hurt by them.

I have boundaries, healthy ones and I am using them.

Anyone who does not like my boundaries, that is okay and you can avoid me should you need to.

You have your own boundaries and I accept and respect yours.

This way we can co-exist in this world.

And I will continue helping to support those who have also endured the same.

Yours faithfully

Healing Me

******* 
May we all walk free...

Mary E. Robbins
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Wednesday, November 06, 2013

for all of this and more... gratitude...




Gratitudes:
A rest day at home
Netflix
22 years in a relationship with my husband… who told me he loved me… and that I was beautiful…

22 years of dishes… erratic schedules… laundry… smelly feet (yes both his and mine… lol) … step kids… reunions… bills… calls out at all times of the night and day (railroad) … diabetes… doctors… insulin… vitamins… research… and more research… Pomeranians… big dogs… firewood… wood stoves…ashes… goats… hogs… Holsteins… a Chihuahua (Eleanor who loved drinking my coffee)… ginger the truck… old tractors… 


weeds weeds and more weeds… flowers… tomatoes… hazel eyes… oh those shining hazel eyes… kittens and cats… chickens… Ralph the bullsnake… Muscovy ducks… big red caddy… red jeep… silver jeep (the jeeps were/are our MacGyver mobiles)… illnesses… surgeries… heartache… happiness… Pomeranian clients… our little ranch… shining work boots… that man could seriously polish a boot… prairie dogs… yes even the prairie dogs… garden… friendship… disagreements… agreeing to disagree… companionship… love… 

deliberate hands… I used to love to watch him work with his hands… Folgers coffee… his coffee brand was Folgers… he loved it so I drank it too… I was actually a Maxwell house girl when we met… lol… the military channel… he always laughed when he heard me say pencil… ever since I was a little girl I’ve pronounced it penk-sil for some reason… 

Christmas trees… holiday lights… even when it was too much for us to put them up out here… razor sharp knives… he was a magician with a steel… he could put such a wonderful edge on a knife… old tv… Gun Smoke, Marshall Dillon, Andy Griffith, The Rifleman… Movies… Tombstone… several versions… build it and they will come… Dance With Me… Dances with wolves… for the love of the game… Secretariat… Rooster Cogburn… The Shootist… Dirty Harry… how it’s made… American restoration… pawn stars… American pickers… fishing… parmesan chicken… which he absolutely hated… truth be told that recipe did turn out nasty… 

He used to say “I wanted you for me… you are for me” … he had already given so much… he wanted someone just for him… he came first in my life… and I came first in his… our very first date he showed up with a dozen red roses… and roses were a part of our relationship all the way through… I would try to lose fat… and he would praise me for it… then he would hug me… and snuggle in…rub my belly …say “I love your belly” … then go and buy chocolates… yeah I rubbed his belly too… 

I hated it that he had to stick those insulin needles in his belly… I knew they hurt him… I would have done anything to make it better for him… and I tried to… he was the same way with me… he took care of me after  surgery left me unable to even get out of bed on my own… I went from this strong woman who could pick up and walk off with a railroad tie… to a person that could not lift the coffee pot… or get out of bed without aid… and he was there through it all… 

he fought his way back from a stroke… after losing speech … and nearly his life… we worked through it together… we were a team… we always looked to each other… no matter what we supported each other… even when we disagreed… we supported each other… we hugged each other… we danced together… usually to 50’s & 60’ music around the kitchen and living room… steak and potatoes and he was a happy camper…

We met in 1990… Married October 26th 1991… we were lifers.
We loved and we lived with all life’s twists and turns… we were best friends… even with all the pain and devastation his passing has left in it’s wake… I would not give up a minute of our lives together…

I was thinking the other day I might try to do some of the things we had planned on doing over the coming years. We had put off our travels until retirement…. As we mistakenly thought we had time to do these things together. Was not major things… just going to the museums in Cody WY and seeing old faithful and the devils tower…

We watched the Canadian and US passenger train tour on dvd… talking about perhaps making the trips… We talked about taking a trip to Alaska… it was funny though… we would talk about these things… then he would say… but that is such a long way from home… he loved just being home… especially after having to be gone so much of the time.

He believed in me… and cheered me on in my dream to fly… so perhaps I will study the materials… whether I ever solo in a plane or not.

He would walk out into the yard at night… both of us would… and just stare up at the night sky in awe… happy to be looking at it together… actually that outshone any of the trips and such that we spoke about… just being together was enough… anything else was gravy…

I am doing my best to honor his wishes in taking care of the dogs…. Staying here and keeping them their home until their time in this life is over…

I have lived… I have loved… truth be told … I am tired… I am so very very done…
Someone told me today… that I am a young woman… that’s funny… yes I am a woman in her 50’s… but frankly age is a relative thing… I will be here until I am not… and not a moment longer… if I am called across before my dogs have aged out… my prayer is that they are treated kindly… as long as I am here… and they are her I will care for them… and just in case anyone is confused or wondering… or perhaps just for me to say… as if it not already obvious… or at least I would have thought so… David will always be a part of me… which is why I now carry his rose on my shoulder…

Some of you will understand what I have written… and some of you will not… and that is ok too… each of us has our own journey to walk in this life… for all of this and more... gratitude...


Mary E. Robbins
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Tuesday, November 05, 2013

A Peaceful Heart





Good morning Peeps…
Beautiful fresh snow on the ground… totally calm … as in no wind… not very cold… in the 30’s in my front yard… Pominators & Mastiffs have already been run out… Mastiffs are still out for a bit…

Breakfast is cooked and done… home fries (potatoes) 2 sausage links, 2 eggs, and ½ grapefruit… oh yeah and coffeeeeeee…. Of course coffee…

The talk is playing on tv… gotta love the internet… popped over to CBS.com and clicked on the talk and there she goes… yay… those girls do make me laugh…

Fell asleep right after dinner last night… sitting in the recliner couch… woke up and staggered off to bed…

Actually feel pretty rested this morning… thankfully no obnoxious calls last night… giving thanks for that… yay!

Got the estimates for the work needing to be done on my truck… ugh… but it is what it is…

Washed dishes this morning… been trying to train them to wash themselves… but failing miserably… lol…

Feel much better today… this past week has been a bit of a nightmare (understatement of the week)… swinging back and forth from anxiety, depression, massive panic attacks… to outright rage… when this crap happens… there is no getting around it except to go through it…

I refuse to give into fear… I refuse to give the abusive person that attacked me power over my life… I am thankful that this person’s true face was shown now rather than later.

Deal with your issues and take responsibility for your words and actions… rather than attacking others and blaming them for the mess you made yourself. No one is perfect… at least not in this life… all of us are a work in progress… learning and growing as we go along… it is up to us whether we stagnate and turn into something toxic or move forward bit by bit… sometimes one step forward several steps back… but still growing… as difficult… painful as it may be… we all have… what’s that word… oh yeah… the c word… choice…

May you walk in peace…

Busy full day today…

Would love to stay… but gotta go…

Gratitudes:
Warm bed
Laughs at the Talk
A peaceful heart

Mary E. Robbins
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Monday, November 04, 2013

threats... attacks... self defense... forgiveness...




I didn’t know whether I was going to write this for posting or just for my journal… it’s been an enlightening, saddening, and very stressful week. Triggering massive panic attacks... and anxiety off the charts...

Up until this week guns for me were simply a tool to be used on the ranch when necessary. To put down an animal for slaughter, or to put down an animal that was suffering with no hope of recovery.

My husband who has since passed over to the other side, loved to collect them. not a psycho gun nut... simply a collector... a responsible human being. He liked to target shoot… and I shot with him.

From my beloved husband’s point of view… some guns were works of art… fine craftsmanship… with beautiful etching…

It just depends on the situation.

This past week… a neighbor whom we considered to be a friend became completely irrational towards me and attacked me via the phone… repeatedly… with the threat of physical violence underlying the calls. This person was not a close friend … but we were neighborly. His verbal attacks were repeated and vicious… and completely irrational... as well as unprovoked. I called the sheriff twice… my ranch is approximately 17 to 20 miles from the sheriff’s office… the neighbor lives about a mile from me… give or take a bit… there have been 2 restraining orders against this guy … that I know of…

After a couple of calls I refused to pick up the phone when his number came on caller ID… my answering machine picked them up instead… and he was vile…. Always with the threat of violence underlying… the thing that truly put me on alert was the irrationality of it all. If he is this irrational with a history of violence… he is capable of anything.

The rage I heard in his voice, the irrational ranting, the knowledge that he has attacked people before put me on full alert… since my husband died it’s just me and the animals living here. (frankly I am very thankful for my mastiffs)

I’ve been on the receiving end of a beating from an irrational drunken male before… (no not my husband… he was not that way) there is no reasoning with them… they just want to hurt you and they do… beatings… rape… cruelty…

I will not be put in that position again. Nor do I appreciate the campaign of terror he tried to inflict.

I called the sheriff’s office… and told them what was going on… they said to block his phone number…

The phone calls weren’t the major issue… vile…nasty… yes…but not the major issue… the threat of violent contact was… still is… (here is hoping this individual stays away from me and just gets on with his own life)

If he bursts through my house door or accosts me on my property while I am out taking care of my livestock I will defend myself. Yes I would try to call the sheriff… but when attacks happen… they happen really fast… and yes that is the voice of experience… from an unarmed woman at the time.

Now I would try to defend myself with whatever I had on hand… hands, feet, knife, pitchfork, hoe, bucket… whatever… but I would have a much better chance of survival with a hollow-point bullet.

Most of the time I will never need it… whether it’s to stop a cougar that has decided to attack, a rattle snake, or some injured creature that is lashing out… or a loose rabid dog… or a vicious irrational human.

I don’t want to… but if I have to… I will put him down like a rabid dog who’s only option is to suffer and die or be put down.

Not something I want to do… not living in fear… just done. I will not be some abuser’s victim again… not if I can do anything about it. I will always take peaceful means first… as I would much rather live in a peaceful way… with respect for each other… agreeing to disagree when there are differences of opinion… and so on.

However… when attacked I will defend myself by any means necessary.

I deal with men on a daily basis… 99.9% of them are decent human beings… then there is that twisted predator dropped in the mix wearing a decent human being mask. Don’t believe they exist… look at all the missing people posters… men…women…children…

Thanks … but I’ll pass on being the next victim in their parade… been there done that… don’t care to do it again.

That being said… just having a gun is not going to protect anyone. That is a false sense of security. A gun is a tool… if you do not know how to use it defensively … calm without fear… you are going to get hurt or hurt someone else that is in actuality no threat to you. Or if they are a threat and you think having a gun is going to protect you… wrong… threaten with a gun… and risk having it taken away from you and used on you.

Your first line of defense are your instincts… if something feels off… it is… listen to your instincts… be aware of your surroundings. I am not saying to live in fear… I am saying to be aware…

Not the way I would have chosen to live… but it is what it is… hmmmm… guess a gun is still just a useful tool to me…

I would rather the sheriffs handle things… but realistically there is little they can do until an actual act of violence is in progress… then with the distances… it is simply too late.

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Daily Gratitudes:
sunny morning
hot coffee
true friends


'Daily Affirmation' Video