Just Breathe

Rough weekend. Frankly the roughest in a very long time. Wave after wave of pain… both emotional and physical… crisis level after crisis level. Panic attacks, anxiety… anger… unable to speak or read… confusion… wailing… stuck in place staring into space… it’s time to get help… probably way past time truth be told… It seems it is beyond me to stabilize this on my own…this time around.

I am exhausted… perhaps a little wiser… perhaps not… at any rate I am still here. 

With a bit more understanding of what my Uncle Gene went through. 

Searing pain in my left knee is what woke me up this morning.  Legs are not wanting to work well today. Genetic crap… I remember my mother trying to make her legs work… and grandma as well. 

As much as I wanted to have children… perhaps it is better that I was unable to. At least they will not have to deal with this genetic heritage.

It is amazing to me how life and/or our states in it can change so very rapidly. Years of work and focus… to actually be able to have relative peace in my mind… shattered … gone… in an instant…

Swirling chaos once again….with no safe place to hide…and rest… Years ago … over 30 years ago now… the library in Morrill Nebraska used to be my safe place.  Mrs. Cline was the librarian   with her bright red hair and kind soul.  She always kept an eye out for me because I was a little red haired girl… like her red haired kids. Light skin and red hair.  No matter how chaotic things got at home or around me… it was calm and safe there.  I realize now it was not the only the library… it was Mrs. Cline’s presence. I would go and look for my favorite books and actually fall asleep in the stacks. 

One moment at a time…

Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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Beautiful sunrise this morning

Beautiful sunrise this morning. Love it that it was between 35 and 40 degrees F in my front yard as the sun was rising. …and it is calm… no wind yet… note the yet.

Panic attacks still running rampant. The rescue remedy helps… doesn’t stop them… but helps me to manage better…thankful that I can use it… and extremely thankful for the wonderful friends that told me about it.

A friend is helping with the railroad paperwork. I still can not read it. Panic sets in rapidly and the words that I should be able to comprehend turn into garbled incomprehensible ink marks on paper. I am hoping we will have this stuff taken care of in a positive manner soon.

I kept going back and forth from being able to speak to not being able to form words yesterday… no it’s not low blood sugar… it seems to be tied into residual effect from west nile and triggered by the panic attacks. It doesn’t happen very often when I am not having panic attacks but it does happen at times. It never happened before the west nile.


Went to a doctor yesterday to discuss things. I tried going to the doctor… or rather I did go to the doctor without wearing compression pants…and I saw my mom’s struggles much more closely… I could not lift my left leg by itself to get into the car. I had to take a hold on my pants and pick it up. I remember watching my mom use her pants, or a rope… or a strap… to pick her legs up to get into a car for years. Carrie drove me to the doctor. By the time we got there my ankles had nearly doubled in size. I took the cane David made me with me or I would not have been able to make it into the doctor’s office.

I remember my grandma trying to walk. She always used a walking stick or crutches to get around. Her legs would swell so huge and she had running ulcers around her calves and shins… Mom’s legs swelled the same way… she wore job hose but walking became next to impossible… and in the 30 years of her life she was in a wheelchair.

I had hoped that I would not have this genetic mess as severely as they did… so far no ulcers… and I will continue to use the compression pants… and elevate my legs when I do not have them on. Nothing else to do other than take it one day at a time… and keep moving…. I will keep moving as long as I am able to do so.

I so wish I could sit down with my mom and grandma and have coffee and visit. Grandma grew beautiful flowers. Hollyhocks… when ever I see hollyhocks I see her. Mom used to have beautiful vegetable gardens. I never understood what it took for them to walk or to get things done… well I am starting to now. There is so much pain in those legs. It’s like a heated up piece of wire is being jabbed in and twisted through them… then you try to take a step and they just do not hold.

It is much worse without the compression pants…. Grandma never had anything like that to wear. I miss them so much. I look back now and realize how wrong I was about so many things… I am looking forward to seeing them again when I cross over. I know they loved me… still do… and I love them as well. But for now … It seems I am not yet finished here… so I give thanks for this day… and am learning to trust God to give me the love, strength, and guidance to walk through it…



Life is a journey... 
One moment one breath at a time…
Mary E. Robbins 
307.788.0202 
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Robbins Run Ranch