Just Breathe

Rough weekend. Frankly the roughest in a very long time. Wave after wave of pain… both emotional and physical… crisis level after crisis level. Panic attacks, anxiety… anger… unable to speak or read… confusion… wailing… stuck in place staring into space… it’s time to get help… probably way past time truth be told… It seems it is beyond me to stabilize this on my own…this time around.

I am exhausted… perhaps a little wiser… perhaps not… at any rate I am still here. 

With a bit more understanding of what my Uncle Gene went through. 

Searing pain in my left knee is what woke me up this morning.  Legs are not wanting to work well today. Genetic crap… I remember my mother trying to make her legs work… and grandma as well. 

As much as I wanted to have children… perhaps it is better that I was unable to. At least they will not have to deal with this genetic heritage.

It is amazing to me how life and/or our states in it can change so very rapidly. Years of work and focus… to actually be able to have relative peace in my mind… shattered … gone… in an instant…

Swirling chaos once again….with no safe place to hide…and rest… Years ago … over 30 years ago now… the library in Morrill Nebraska used to be my safe place.  Mrs. Cline was the librarian   with her bright red hair and kind soul.  She always kept an eye out for me because I was a little red haired girl… like her red haired kids. Light skin and red hair.  No matter how chaotic things got at home or around me… it was calm and safe there.  I realize now it was not the only the library… it was Mrs. Cline’s presence. I would go and look for my favorite books and actually fall asleep in the stacks. 

One moment at a time…

Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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