Friday, May 31, 2013

Happy Friday... to do's and bit of a rant



Good morning peeps. Another busy day… or should be… lots of things on my to do list… 30 things actually… will I get all 30 done… dunno… working on it… not sure how long it is going to take at the tire shop. It will be a relief to have that questionable tire off the front of my jeep.

Chilly here this morning and the wind is blowing… it was 49 degrees F when I ran the Pominators out… funny how chilly that seems now and how warm it seems in the winter months… lol… That wind is much colder than 49 though. It’s coming off hail or snow and had a good bite to it this morning.

Geez I am a sore aching puppy this morning… I should have slathered on the unkers last night before I went to bed… but of course I did not… I was doing the bobble head at the computer… as in my head would bobble as I was drifting off to sleep then pop back up… and I just staggered into the bedroom and crashed. Geez… today the question would not be what is aching… but what is not aching… ugh.

Gonna head out and get the ranch rounds done… and take the big trash cans over to the burn bin. I don’t think I’m going to light it up to burn though… just put the grates back over the top and let it sit until there is a calmer day. Too much wind I am thinking. Supposed to rain again later today… want the ranch rounds done before then… no point in sloshing about in the rain if I don’t have to.

Frankly I feel like curling up on the couch under a pile of covers and going back to sleep… but that is not going to get anything done… nor is it going to reduce this aching. Moving about getting some activity in … whether I feel like it or not… should work out some of the stiffness and aching.

Yesterday I had an episode sitting at my desk. My vision started to cloud over and I started to pass out. I grabbed some coQ10 and swallowed it. Episodes are not happening as often as they were… so I am hoping that my body is repairing itself. I am always tired the next day after those episodes. I was getting really angry whenever I thought about what caused this mess. Me listening to the doctors and staying on proton pump inhibitors (Nexium, Prilosec, Prevacid… to list 3 brand names) … I asked the docs over the years if I should still be on them … numerous times… they said yes so I continued. I should have listened to my instincts instead. The long term usages of these drugs can cause heart failure, kidney failure, and liver failure… just to list 3 of their side effects…. I was on them for 20 years. There is a whole list of side effects of coming off them as well… hyper acidity is one of them… battled that with aloe vera juice… and for the most part that side effect has subsided… it took months. Another … and very nasty side effect of coming off these drugs is tachycardia … still have that happening… not as much as it was… but still going on… I use coQ10 to help with that. Mind you it has been 6 months. Why am I writing this… to give other’s a heads up regarding these drugs. Oh and do not be deceived by the generic names… the generics cause the same negative issues. These drugs are useful on a very short term basis… however even on short term they cause hyper-acidity when you come off them. Hyper-acidity… as in more of a stomach acid flare… heart burn, reflux, and so on… than before you actually took the drug.

You will probably see this over and over in my writing… It is so frustrating… upsetting… saddening to me… following the doctor’s instructions… taking these drugs was supposed to be a good thing… a healthy thing… a beneficial thing… and when I first started taking them it was a relief to not have to deal with the stomach acid as much. A huge relief. In the long term it turned into a massively detrimental choice.

This is another case of treating symptoms… managing a disease … rather than working for a positive solution by dealing with the cause of the issue. Actually healing the problem rather than treating symptoms.

I made the mistake of relying on the physicians to tell me what to do… bugger it… I thought that was what we were supposed to do. Just bugger it! David and I both thought that… now he is dead. In large part I believe because of the damage cholesterol drugs did to his heart. We told them the symptoms… what he was experiencing… and they insisted that he try yet another drug in the same family… refusing to listen … and it killed him… he trusted them… and it killed him.

Ok breathe… calm down… I would seriously like to take a sledge hammer to that last doctor… physically hold him responsible for the drugs he prescribes. David was old school… if the doc says it… must be good…. So do it. I kept track of the symptoms I could see happening to him. Yes I told the doc…. No the doc was not happy about it.


Ok… time to stop ranting and go out and do ranch rounds… want to get my pepper plants set out today...

May you walk in peace..


Mary E. Robbins 
Find me on Facebook
Follow me on Twitter

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Good morning... feel better today...

 Photo: Good morning peeps... busy day today... feel better than yesterday... yesterday was a fever and pain day. pppphhhhttttt.... I could have done without it... but it is what it is... no fever today... and pain has receded... not gone but much less... I put unkers on my hands arms feet... legs and so on.. it's a wonder I didn't slip out of bed... hehehe... but I slept.... so unkers it is. dropped 3.4 lbs over night...yes I know it was swelling... 280.2 this morning... 

I could be wrong but I think a good bit of the pain in my hands and arms is directly related to anxiety. Yes the pain is real... anxiety must cause some kind of a chemical release that effects the pain levels... hmmmmm.... 

Had a bit of blended cottage cheese, flax oil, and fruit for breakfast along with my coffee for breakfast. Feel better when I eat this way... don't want too much though... very rich.... but very very filling. ate around 1/2 cup  bought some frozen blueberries to blend in yesterday.  that should be yummy. 

need to get different tires on my jeep before I end up wrecking... it seems one of the belts... has come loose inside a front tire... that is rather "interesting" trying to drive with that going on... 

gotta.... go... 

may you walk in peace...
 
Good morning peeps... busy day today... feel better than yesterday... yesterday was a fever and pain day. pppphhhhttttt.... I could have done without it... but it is what it is... no fever today... and pain has receded... not gone but much less... I put unkers on my hands arms feet... legs and so on.. it's a wonder I didn't slip out of bed... hehehe... but I slept.... so unkers it is. dropped 3.4 lbs over night...yes I know it was swelling... 280.2 this morning...

I could be wrong but I think a good bit of the pain in my hands and arms is directly related to anxiety. Yes the pain is real... anxiety must cause some kind of a chemical release that effects the pain levels... hmmmmm....

Had a bit of blended cottage cheese, flax oil, and fruit for breakfast along with my coffee for breakfast. Feel better when I eat this way... don't want too much though... very rich.... but very very filling. ate around 1/2 cup bought some frozen blueberries to blend in yesterday. that should be yummy.

need to get different tires on my jeep before I end up wrecking... it seems one of the belts... has come loose inside a front tire... that is rather "interesting" trying to drive with that going on...

gotta.... go...

may you walk in peace...
 
Mary E. Robbins

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Memorial Day Weekend… first one done…

  

Ok… well I am still here…. Still a widow… still missing my life… still missing my husband… still do not understand …. I did cook and eat breakfast … did yesterday too. Not much pleasure in it eating by myself. Sound like a pity party… tough… it just is what it is… it’s a couple of days past 5 months since life as I knew it ended. I suppose I am supposed to be over this… yeah right… who ever told you that is full of it…. And I don’t mean full of cotton candy either… although enough of that stuff will make you sick too.

Some time ago I wrote that I did not want to go on without my husband…. And someone had a friggen cow. I am not sure of all of what was said as they pulled their posts. Just as well as I was in a rather dark place. As it turns out it was major depression on top of grieving. No longer in major depression… which is a HUGE relief… it’s pretty scary what a simple chemical imbalance can do. It seems my serotonin levels were low… boosted them with omega 3s …. I am using a combination of flax oil and fish oil… in a capsule called thera tears. I’ve done some research since then and they say flax oil can counter depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and so on. Be fore warned though… it can bloat you… as in gas gas gas that does not want to move… so have some gas x or simethecone on hand to counter if you need to. Oh yeah… I used the thera tears because I had some on hand.

I knew I felt better when I ate flax, or flax oil…. Better state of mind… better state of well being overall… I just did not know why. Probably do not know why in it’s entirety now… but it does make a huge difference for me.

Yes I am still grieving… yes having my having my husband drop dead on Christmas night still sucks. Seriously?!… flax oil can not take the issues that have to be worked through away. But it can help with the stinking depression… mood swings… anxiety… panic attacks and such that are due to a chemical imbalance.

I still do not want to go on without my husband. He was my husband, my lover, my soulmate, my best friend. Why on earth would I want to go on without him?! Really?! No it is not ok with me that my husband was yanked out of this husk we call a body… ok it was his time… nope still not ok with me. Not happy about it. Truth be told… I am rather pissed about it.

Don’t like it that I said that… want to get on your high horse and judge me… ok fine… have a nice ride… but while you are up there riding around… here is a suggestion… just a suggestion mind you… take a good strong look around in your own life and being and see just why it is that my attitude bothers you so much. Not your choice… not your life… my attitude… my life… my responsibility…

I do not have the release to move on yet … or I would already be OUTTA HERE… David was released and he dropped that body like a sack of rotten potatoes. Whoosh… outta here… Don’t get your feelings hurt… yes I do love and appreciate my friends…

Not my time yet… as Mow Mow Tat brushes by my leg reminding me. Although sometimes I wonder… as my heart pounds hard enough to make my body shake. Nope still here… trying to figure out how to navigate this new path.


Mary E. Robbins
Find me on Facebook
Follow me on Twitter

Monday, May 27, 2013

Yesterday was quite the day...




Yesterday was quite the day. Baked some chicken to have for dinner through the week… baked some potatoes to make a potato salad… washed dog laundry… washed dishes… yes the dishes were an “event” since I do not have a dishwasher… other than my hands and had not washed them for a week… hmmmm … maybe longer… took trash out… did not attack that thigh high grass west of the house… just going to mow around the yards… not clear out into the meadow… I do not want to disturb the birds nesting there…


Wild birdsong was beautiful… my state of mind and attitude sucked…. Sorted through some mail and put it in a trash can… geez there’s tons of that stuff to sort and pitch… would like to just grab it all and toss it… but then I’d be in a fix when I tossed papers that I’ll need… pppphhhhttttt….. so it’s sort and pitch… thinking I’ll sort it and stuff it in cat litter bags and use it for kindling on cold rainy nights…. Or I may just take it to the burn bin and be done with it… dunno… doesn’t matter…

Pulled some field grass out of my irises… managed to pull of some iris leaves as well… ah well… gonna plant cucumbers along that fence as well. That worked pretty well last year… more grass to pull… argh!

The bull snake was back… curled up under a hollyhock bugging the dogs… actually I think the dogs were actually harassing the snake… as it was under the flower on the outside of the yard… hissing as the dogs were barking… I sprayed it with the water hose and it went out under a piece of equipment a bit farther away from the yard… as it was on it’s way a robin decided to tell it to get away from her tree… no robin eggs for that snake… brave little bird went after a 4 or 5 ft snake… 




Last night was a majestic light show. WoW! Lightening dancing across the sky to the south and east… and the thunder rolls… sheet lightening lighting up the hollow… then a bright bright strike nearly straight down blazing into the earth to the east of us. As this was going on it was completely still in our little hollow… not a breath of a breeze… not a leaf quivering on the trees. I watched the storm come across… from the southwest… riding the high ridge to the south between us and LaGrange then drifting north east along the north side of the connecting ridge… moving between the gap… I realize it is higher than the ridges… but they seem to effect the wind currents that carry the storms. I’ve watched summer storm… after summer storm follow that pattern… over the years…




It was dark to the south and the east… well dark other than lightening dancing about… but the western sky was still lighter fading into evening… no stars to be seen… then I noticed a bright triangle shining in the west… I usually miss these things… either cloud covers or I am at a loss to figure out what is what… but I actually got to see them last night… Jupiter, Venus, and Mercury… last night was a glorious night… planets shining in the west… white clouds against dark gray in formation across the sky… lightening dancing… flashing… striking to the south and east… quite the show…


On a more somber note… I also heard the ambulance and fire trucks going to the south west… not sure how far… sound carries a long way out here at night… I would postulate that one of those lightening strikes lit something on fire. Another reason to get the grass and weeds mowed for a fire break… not to just keep from stepping on Slinky the Snake… or rather snakes… It won’t be long until that cheat grass is dry and very very flammable… no it’s not all cheat… there are perennial field grasses as well… but there is a good bit of cheat…

The cockatiels are sitting outside in their cage singing along with the wild birds… happy little fellows… they were more than ready to come in when I carried their cage inside last night. All worried looking as it was getting darker and the lightning and thunder was doing it’s dance.

There were two owls on the power line poles across the road calling back and forth to each other in the calm… while the lightning flashed to the south and the thunder rolled… It took me a bit… but as it was dusk rather than dark of night I was finally able to see one of them. I located the other by sound but was unable to see it… the other I could see it’s dark silhouette outlined on the cross bar of the power pole. 




The coyotes joined in with a yipping crying chorus… setting off the neighbors dogs to the east as they ran by on the ridges. Frankly I am rather glad my chicken run is fenced… as are my yards and dog runs. The cattle across the road were anxious with the coyotes about… there are calves in that field as well… and they were mooing … calling out to one another…

I stayed out in the yard listening to the sounds of the night… a chorus of crickets… I’ve loved that sound ever since I was a small child. The coal train rumbling along on the north track then whistling a crossing… can’t hear the trains to the north during the day… but their sounds travels farther at night… an upset robin came flying up to the corner of the mastiff run as I was gathering up their feed dishes… something had disturbed her… and she was telling me about it… only for a moment then off the fence back into the dark of the tree…


Small birds wings rustle as I walk under the juniper tree in the front yard… carrying the mastiff’s feed pans as Sara and Diesel make their patrol around the south yard… snuffling the corners and checking every hiding place for any creature they deem does not belong there. The Pominators were already inside in their beds for the night… munching on kibble or curled up. The house Pominators seriously do not like being outside when the thunder and lightning are doing their dance.

Larry, Curly, and Mo were sprawled on top of their houses waiting to be petted and reassured. Secure in their cat run safe from marauding ranch cats and other creatures, in the night. I ran the mastiffs in to their beds and Puss Cat came up over the fence visiting the young cats in their run. They were none to sure of her and their meows of greeting were mixed with growls… She is the senior female ranch cat on the premises. She knows better than to come in the fenced yards when the mastiffs or Pominators are out in the yards.

I am reading another book… well actually there are several in the process… read a bit put it down think about it… not fictional stories to devour but words and phrases…meanings to ponder. This one is called “The Death of a Husband Reflections for a Grieving Wife” by Helen Reichert Lambin. It’s not a how to get through this book, or what to expect book, it is exactly what the title says it is. The first day I read a couple passages and bawled and put it down. Yesterday I read a few passages and thought… geez these words could be coming out of my mouth. I’d seen it several times on Amazon… it kept jumping out at me… in the suggested reading lists. Usually when a book continues to jump out at me there is something in there for me. So I am reading it. I am thankful she decided to share her musings. Before David’s body died I would not have understood her words… I do now. 




This journey into widowhood has brought knowledge and wisdom with it… frankly both of which I could have selfishly done without. I would have preferred to have journeyed on in this life with my partner, blissfully ignorant… missing out on this “growth opportunity” … seriously!

But it is what it is… take another breath… take another step… down a new path… I liked the path I was on… and did not want to climb on this one… still none too thrilled about it… my old path was comfortable, familiar, and we helped each other along… this one seems to be rather craggy… along a cliff face… requiring growth to navigate it… climb to fly or die…


Just filled my coffee cup… it is soooooo time for some coffee. Then out to do ranch rounds. Want to dump all the wading tubs and refill them with fresh water… as well as the drinking water buckets. May plant my cucumbers today and pull some more grass along the east yard fence… and possibly mow a bit more. That does tend to kick my behind but it needs to be done… so do a bit…stop…do a bit more… repeat…




Too cute... Mow Mow Tat is laying on her back on a pillow under my desk with her arm over her face... purring... happy fat cat...Well it looks as if I have read and written the morning away... gonna grab a bite to eat then head out for ranch rounds...

Mary E. Robbins
Find me on Facebook
Follow me on Twitter

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Another day of Life... choices




Good morning Peeps…. Choosing to appreciate another day of life… there is a bird song concert going on in the trees… love that sound… gonna grab the cockatiel cage and set them outside for a bit… so they can enjoy the outside before any thunderstorms come up… glad that cage is not overly heavy… although when I first started carrying it outside and back in it felt like it was… hmmmmmm… suppose I’m getting physically stronger… this would be a good thing.

I was pretty exhausted most of the day yesterday… combination of emotional and physical exhaustion. Meeting via the phone with the rrb and my case manager the day before. In depth interview…. Looks positive but not counting on anything… which in itself is exhausting. Panic attack before meeting…. I still made it to my case manager’s office for the phone conference. Exhausted… rattled … but there… and able to actually speak… dealing with the rrb brings the trauma of losing David front and center… for several months I would lose my ability to speak when trying to deal with them…. And get very shocky… as in go into shock. Do not misinterpret… the lady we have been dealing with has been human and professional… it is not her… it’s the link up with the trauma.

Taking the omega 3’s have made a huge difference… boosting my serotonin levels… of course omega 3’s are not the only thing that effects serotonin levels… but in my case there was a marked change in the depth of depression I was having to deal with… of course I still miss my mom and my husband… as well as the friend that passed last weekend. However the overwhelming immobilizing depression that was stacked on top of the grief is lifting… I am coming back into myself…

Pretty amazing what a simple chemical imbalance can do… omega 3’s who’d a thought… glad I know now.

Yes there is still anxiety… and panic attacks… grief… sadness… but I am functioning… not caught in that swirling black hole of depression… whoop whoop! Raising the serotonin levels was huge… something else that is huge is making the choice as to focus. When my serotonin levels were too low… the depression was immobilizing… physically… emotionally… mentally… now that my chemical levels are in a better range… I am more able to choose my focus. Yes I am still working through things… of course I am… the difference… now I am able to work through things more …. Rather than being caught in a tide of misery and pain… immobilizing desolation. That is not something I miss… I can tell you that…

Each morning I am “making the choice” to appreciate the day… to give thanks for another day of life…. Sooooo… with that in mind…

Cloudy with a threat of thunderstorms here today… have the house kittens… Larry, Curly, and Mo, out in their kitty run… gonna have to take some more pics… I love the beautiful arch of their necks… beautiful characters they are… lol….

The mastiffs have had their breakfast… raw egg and kibble… the house Pominators are out zipping about the yard… doing their morning inspections… yes they check the yard perimeter… and everything in between…

I am having my breakfast… coffee with cinnamon and creamer… and a half a toasted blueberry bagel with cream cheese… no I am not starving myself… that is all I want right now… I will grab my vitamins and such and swallow them in a bit…

Planted my tomatoes yesterday… I have 6 large pots that I put 2 plants each in… don’t have my garden space prepped yet… sooooooo into the pots they went… noticed 2 more peonies that were planted last fall have come up…

I did get most of my cucumber patch cleared of grass… it’s cheat grass and field grass that comes back in each year… if I have enough energy this evening I will clear the rest of that patch… got some of the mustard weed mowed down… ugh… did as much as I could do and still get back into the house and take a bath… nose and throat were on fire… drank another shot of apple cider vinegar to stem the allergic reaction… as well as slow down the muscle spasms… I am either going to get stronger with more endurance … or be fertilizer somewhere in the field grass….. Focusing on getting stronger… healthier…

Heading out to freshen the dog waters… then a full day ahead…

May you walk in peace…. What do you see… a cracked sidewalk with a weed… or life bursting through the rubble… same picture… different view… your choice…


Mary E. Robbins
find me on facebook
follow me on twitter

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Good morning peeps...





Good morning peeps... busy day today... having breakfast and some coffee...actually my breakfast came fresh out of the hen house... yes eggs not my chickens... and toast... freshened all the dog waters this morning... perfect morning... birds singing... wonderful temps ... has not heated up yet... lovely... could do without the wild mustard... sneeze sneeze...



Yesterday was a day of ups and downs... but I was given a gift... and I chose to accept it... the pleasure of seeing a bit of the life around us...

The mastiffs were barking last night at dusk… I stepped out to see what they were after… thought perhaps that snake had come back to the yards… if he/she had I wouldn’t know because I did not see a snake… what I did see standing on the crest of the ridge to the west was a herd of deer. We were looking at them… they were looking at us… I stepped back inside to get my camera and of course they were gone when I got back outside… was a treat to see them though.
May you walk in peace...
Mary E. Robbins

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Good Morning... and a Baby animal rant...

Good morning peeps… no dream enlightenments last night. Just some vague recollection of some mess being caught in the screen of my kitchen sink drain. If there was a message in there… I did not get it. Bright and sunny… the house crew are all outside… Pete and Blue (cockatiels) are singing enjoying the morning sun.

Curly decided to zoom about the lower yard for a bit before zooming back to me … last night when I was bringing the kittens inside… little white cat with it’s tale on full fuzz alert… sticking straight up in the air puffed out as big as she could get it… she zoomed here… she zoomed there… she zoomed back to the kitty kennel… saw her friends were not there and zoomed to me… after she was put in their indoor kitty condo with her sister and brother they all curled up in a ball of sleepy kitties and were off to sleep…

After curley finished up her zooming routine and was safely in her kitty condo I let the mastiffs out of their dog run into the lower yard… they did their perimeter check …. Yes they patrol the perimeter of the lower yard… looking for anything inside or outside of the yard that does not belong there. If something is outside the fence that does not belong there the bark alarm is started… if it’s inside the perimeter… it is just … done. I am not going into details on that… use your own imagination.

I am always on the look out for rattlesnakes and any critter acting inconsistently with what it normally would as I do not want them being bitten by a rattler or something rabid. This is why I wanted the yard fences… not because they are convenient but because I did not want to step out the front door to some critter and surprise it or be bitten… or surprise some range cow with a calf and get stomped.

By the way… if you are out and about where there are baby wild animals… or calves… foals… whatever… leave those baby animals alone. Wild animals should be self explanatory… but every year people disturb fawns (baby deer) baby antelope and so on thinking they are helping when all they have done is take them away from where their mothers have put them while she is grazing.

Bear cubs, cougar cubs, bob cat kittens, wolf pups, coyote pups, skunk kits, …. Baby animals are adorable… leave them be. When you mess with them…you endanger them… and you endanger you. Yes even calves and foals… if those animals… adult animals do not know you… you risk being seriously injured or killed.

Yes even cats and dogs… you are not part of their pride/pack … if you are at someones house and there are puppies or kittens … let the owner hand that puppy or kitten to you… that baby’s mother’s instincts are to protect it’s young…. And you risk being clawed or bitten.

Oh yeah… baby pigs too… make that baby pig scream and it’s mama is coming after you… and not to shake your and in friendship either… soon to be cadaver.

By the way… if you do get clawed bitten or stomped… it is your own fault… they are protecting their young… what would you do if a stranger tried to grab your child… it is the same thing…

For that matter hummingbirds will nuke you if you get too close to their nests… learned that one the hard way… made me very glad I has glasses on… for there was a very pissed off little bird going for my eyes… because I stepped to close to where her nest was… she really surprised me as I did not know her nest was in that lilac… it was at my Pop’s place in Minnesota years back… she never bothered with him… knew he was not a threat… but she did not know me…

Moral of my rant… be respectful of other creatures… if you are out and about and want to see baby animals or take pictures of them when you see them… hey… carry a telephoto lens and take the photo that way…

Ok… done with my baby animal rant…

I was kinda bummed… saw this beautiful little blue speckled egg shattered on my front walk… wind must have flung it out of it’s nest… or another bird switched out the eggs…

There was a full on bird song concert in that evergreen tree last night at dusk… beautiful… 


 May you have a glorious Saturday…

Mary E. Robbins
find me on facebook
follow me on twitter


 



































Friday, May 10, 2013

A realization… of benefit… maybe yes…maybe no…






“I’ve come to understand that contained within each moment is the decision we have, as divine beings with free will, to either live in love or fall into the trappings of fear.” ~Carol J. Obley


Yesterday morning I was asking how do I stop the anxiety… panic attacks… outright fear… that I wake up with or slide rapidly into each morning…the icy night sweats of night terrors… and so on… This question stuck with me throughout the day…rattling around in the back of my mind.

Especially as I was running head long into a brick wall… so to speak… trying to help another that is mired in depression, anxiety, grief, fear, agoraphobia, panic attacks… she had gone into hiding with her speech geared down to one word monosyllabic words… after several days of unsuccessfully trying to reach her she finally answered up her phone. (On a positive note she called me later in the evening.)

I tend to be a “fix it girl” if something is askew … or something needs to change… what can we do to make that happen. (I am better at it for other folks than I am for myself) I had come up with some possible options for a situation that is looming over her… all of which were rapidly shot down… then my next impulse is to just take care of it for her… however at this point in time I am not in a position to do so…so that is not going to happen. Then I thought wait a minute… what are you doing? This is her life… these are her choices… you can not “fix” it for her… you can be there… with your hand out (either literally or figuratively) but she has to make the choice whether to reach out and take it or not. It’s all about the choices.


Then I thought about another dear friend of mine that came after me when I was burrowing myself into a black hole trying to pull the top in over me… right after David died. She kept after me… trying to get me to come out… brave woman she is because I was like a snapping screaming weeping pissed off cougar in a cave… she kept at it … letting me know she was there… offering her love and support… but she could not pull me out of there… each of us has to make that decision… choice… no one else can do it for us… nor can we do it for each other… as much as we may want to.

Before I went to bed last night… I had chosen to venture forth a bit on a project. Then of course I started second guessing myself and falling into fear. I was worried as I went to bed… I felt a panic attack coming on and got up to get some rescue remedy… took it and went back to bed. Mind you I have been taking rescue remedy a good bit of the time when I go to bed at night… I’ve noticed that I sleep better when I do.

Then here come the dreams… I do not remember the details of all of them… but the theme… message… was consistent throughout… what? You didn’t get it that time… Wham… here it is again… need it repeated again… ok…here it is… Choice.

Ok…. That pissed me off… What the $%^# do you mean I am choosing panic attacks?! Seriously!? Yeah I woke up rather torked off. But it stayed there… bouncing around in my mind… whispering… think… understand…

This is not blaming you for depression, anxiety, grief, fear, agoraphobia, panic attacks, night terrors, whatever else is going awry…

This IS EMPOWERING YOU …. Over depression, anxiety, grief, fear, agoraphobia, panic attacks, night terrors, whatever else is going awry…

In one of the dreams there was this woman… she was standing there… with a falconing glove on… sending this bird out to hunt prey so it could eat… but rather than going out to hunt… it would fly up… then dive and attack her… ripping pieces of her flesh away… devouring it… yet she still stood there… arm out with the glove on for it to land on… over and over it tore at her flesh while she stood there… coming back to land on her glove…

Then I heard it… she is choosing to stand there… all she has to do is choose to send that bird away… it is her choice.

That is when I woke up… go back to sleep … same scenario … wake up …. Go back to sleep…I do not know how many times it repeated…


Then as I was having my breakfast… half a toasted multigrain bagel with cream cheese and coffee with cinnamon… one of my books jumped out at me… It had been catching my eye as I was putting the mastiffs outside to run… then the trio of young cats (Larry Curly and Mo) … then the Pominators… this book kept coming into focus… mind you I am a bit of a book freak… so there are many books here… yet this one kept leaping into my line of sight from the pile…

I sat down my bagel and walked over to pick it up … brought it back to the table and flipped it open… it came open to a page I had marked… then for some reason I flipped back a couple of pages and this phrase jumped out at me…

“I’ve come to understand that contained within each moment is the decision we have, as divine beings with free will, to either live in love or fall into the trappings of fear.” ~Carol J. Obley

Frankly I was still rather pissed. Then this quiet thought came back again… this is not blame… this is EMPOWERMENT… you can choose to send it away… it is up to you… this does not have power over you… only the illusion of power over you… you have the power of choice… you can choose to send it away…


Depression, anxiety, grief, fear, agoraphobia, panic attacks, night terrors, whatever else is going awry… all of this is rooted in fear…

The life events that triggered… continue to trigger… these things… we may not be able to do anything about. They are what they are… and many are cumulative…

If those cards are in your hand… then they are… one of the cards in my hand is David’s death… not a thing I can do about that… it is what it is… but how I play those cards… how you play those cards… that is up to you… we are not powerless… although often there is the illusion… that we are… note that word… illusion…

So how do we do this… step by step instructions please… hmmm… well I don’t have those… however… sometimes just the realization that we can… makes all the difference…


It is what it is… it is not what it is not … if it is useful to you use it… if not then toss it away… either way… here it is…


Mary E. Robbins
Find me on Facebook
Follow me on Twitter

'Daily Affirmation' Video