Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Shattered Dreams and Broken Promises

I could barely get out of the bed this morning. I need help with this. I thought it was just strained muscles, but there is a good chance that my back has come out of alignment, and is pinching nerves. It’s difficult to take a breath, I am partially paralyzed again.

David is still in bed, after last night I don’t want to even be around him. If I ask him to help me take care of the dogs, or to do any kind of work around here he turns into a vicious screaming idiot.

It would be so nice to have a partner that I could count on. I am so tired, exhausted from the physical pain and screaming abuse.

I am an emotional wreck this morning, breaking down and crying can’t seem to control it. I am so tired.

I am so tired of being beat up emotionally. Seems like the only thing left inside of me is loneliness and pain.

At this point I’m not sure what do do.

Ok get your shit together woman. You need to get your back fixed. You haven’t lost anything but an illusion. You thought you had a partner. You thought you had a real friend in your husband. You were wrong. You bought into what he seemed to be, or what you wanted him to be.

He said he loved me last night. In the midst of a screaming fit. He says he wasn’t attacking me, but I was the only person here. So who else was he screaming, cussing, slamming breaking, at. I was the only other person here.

This shit behavior happens every time I ask him to do anything here.
Not just here it was the same way when we lived in town. So get a clue, he is a screaming abusive person.

I actually do love him. If I didn’t this wouldn’t be so miserable. I could just walk away and would have a long time ago. At this rate I may end up doing that now. Or if I lose the use of my legs, roll or crawl away.

Just to some quiet place. Just some quiet place, some quiet place, quiet place quiet place where no one can reach me… quiet dark place quiet dark place peaceful it seems being alone is the only way to be peaceful. Some quiet dark place, warm would be nice or just nothing, no sound, no pain, no pressure, no cruelty, no more. Nnno more no more no more no more no more …… just no more.

Ok get your shit together. You have more strength than that. Heal yourself. Get stronger, even stronger yet. Take care of the dogs. Take care of yourself.

What do I do first? Call your chiropractor and see if he can put your back in place. How do I get there. Get that ass to drive you or call someone else. Keep calling until you find anyone, or try it yourself.

What’s the worse that could happen if you get in your pickup. Kill someone else. That is the worse that could happen. So just take it really slow and you should be ok.

Ok…1:30 appt at my chiropractor’s office.

10:45 a.m. More stable now, gathering my strength. It’s amazing how much strength and endurance is packed down inside of us. Each and every one of us.

I’m not sure what is going to happen with my back. Whatever does I’ll handle it. I’m not sure what is going to happen with my marriage. Whatever does I’ll handle it.

I am walking a little bit better, I have on a pair of compression pants. They are helping to hold me steady, and being very careful. I think I can make the drive into town to the chiropractors. I may have to just sit in the pickup for a while afterwards.

As far as the dogs go I am going to do what is best for the dogs. At least that is what I am trying to do.

At this point I am not physically capable of getting everything done that needs to be done in the kennel and socializing and grooming, and the paperwork, and interviews etc. I found out last night that I can not count on the one person I thought I could to help get things put together.

This mess is not because I was lazy. It is because I fell ill and did not take the necessary actions at the time to keep this from happening. Total overload. It’s time to reduce the load so I can actually function. I refuse to let my dogs suffer because of my husband’s emotional attachment. If he was willing to actually work with the kennel that would be a different matter. Actually if he had stepped up to the plate we wouldn’t be in this situation now.

I don’t know maybe he isn’t capable of it. No I am not making excuses for him. I am just done counting on him for things that he obviously can not or will not do. I’m not sure how I am going to handle all the emotional storm, somehow. Probably journaling and doing a fair amount of grieving myself. It tears my heart out to let so many of them go. The relationship with my husband is tearing my heart out as well at this point.

Somehow I must stay together, stay strong to take care of the dogs. I need to take care of me as well. My husband and mother are going to have to take care of themselves. I’ve let this crap go on way too long.
Looking back I should have taken action a long time ago. In regards to both.

Truth be told, my husband was livid about the overload of dogs. Frustrated and angry and vented by yelling and screaming. Obviously I do not deal to well with screaming venting. Especially when I feel guilty about it in the first place. With both of us on total overload we both turned into screaming asses. e-ore e-ore e-ore... yes sometimes I do bray.

He did step up to help, frankly I'm not sure how the dogs would have been fed and watered if he hadn't. Really drives the point home that many of them need to be placed. I am so thankful for the help of the rescues in placing the dogs that I was unable to socialize. I was frantic wondering just how I was going to get them socialized and into homes.

It was seriously an error on my part to take in that last 50 plus. But I just couldn't see leaving them in the situation they were in when they asked me to help. No win situation for the past year. But at least the dogs grew back some hair. Now to get them out into homes; and get my numbers down to where they should be. This has been a very rough lesson, all in all.

Life is a journey; some days just suck
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch

August 19, 2008 Rough day

I am done. No more, no more being cussed at no more never knowing when my heart is going to be broken again.

If I can’t live in peace in my own home, I don’t want to live at all.

August 7, 2008 Wow has this week been a roller coaster ride.

Take the largest coaster and multiply it by 100 and you may come close to my week; as far as emotions, mental outlook, physical outlook, business outlook; and so on. Extremes across the board.

It doesn’t look like the plans we made are going to work out as expected. So, now what? Take a deep breath and change tack. I am not going to compromise my dogs, so it’s going to be a bit slow going in comparison to what was supposed to happen.

But I’ll get it, one day one dog at a time. I was ill a long time, getting things back on track to my satisfaction is going to take some time.

I am responsible for these wonderful little creatures. I will not shirk this responsibility.

Sometimes the answers to prayer we thought were one thing, are something completely different.

Life is a journey, sometimes there are twists in the road.
Mary E. Robbins307.788.0202

August 4, 2008 Exhausted: Beautiful Morning

My hubby came in from work around 5 a.m. this morning. It was good to see his smiling face. I always miss him when he’s on the train.

Yesterday was a crazy busy day. Today is lining up to be crazy busy as well. It is good to be making progress. Emotionally draining but very, very good.

I was just about at the end of my rope, so to speak. I kept asking; how am I going to manage this? The Lord answered my prayers and things are moving along. I kept seeking and the same answer kept coming up. So this is the way I am going.

Thank You God for answered prayers!

In truth I am still pretty angry about being put in this position. Not that being angry is going to benefit anyone. It’s not; it’s vacillating between anger and abject grief.

Yes It’s true, I allowed myself to be put in this position. There is no question about that. Once again I hoped to get sweet apples of a bitter pear tree. When it came time to harvest, true to form it was all bitter pears, and no sweet apples.
No the Lord didn’t promise any sweet apples off these bitter pear trees. That is true, I was hoping though. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do to change the bitter pear trees; they will have to do that themselves. Not up to me, free will and all that you know. It’s sad though, their lives could be so sweet. Sweet as in wonderful, glorious, not sickly sweet

Life is a journey... sometimes there are twists in the road

Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Decisions made: Emotional Storm, Broken Heart

August… one month closer to autumn. My favorite season. I hope autumn lasts for months this year.

I am finally getting into position to place some of the dogs. Frankly having this many here has taken a serious toll; both on my business and myself. I mistakenly thought that I would have support in taking care of them. I was seriously in error on that point. Actually it was more wishful thinking than reality, if history is any indicator. Such has been the case my entire life with the persons in question.

Emotional storm aside, I made the necessary decisions on my own once again. Of course, I am the evil hag for doing so, yet once again.

Regardless of the machinations going on action has to be taken. Here goes. I believe I have made the best decision for; the dogs, and my immediate family; as well as my business.

Thankfully I now have others helping to place these wonderful little creatures. It’s not the dog’s fault that their previous owner refuses to make a decision regarding their welfare. Frankly I’ve had enough of this bullshit. If she is incapable of taking responsibility for her actions then she loses the privilege of doing so. Enough already!

This situation has been eating at me for over a year now. The dogs have had a year to recover from the awful flea/worm infestation they were living in. Now it’s time to start on socializing them and getting them into their new homes.

On the one hand it is heartbreaking to see them go. They have turned into absolutely beautiful little creatures. However it is better for them to be in a household. Better for me as well. There are simply too many here for me to take care of the way they should be taken care of.

They have feed, water, and shelter. They get a smile and a pat on the head, but at this point that’s all I can manage. Actually I wanted to place them all myself so I knew where they were going and had screened the applicants. Unfortunately I can not take care of the dogs, socialize them and place them. It is taking just about everything I have just to take care of their basic living requirements. Thank God- yes literally, there are folks to help place them.

I have hung in there for a year trying to work with the previous parties involved. They refuse to make decisions or to take action that is beneficial for the dogs. That is what it is about, what is best for the dogs involved. They didn’t ask to be put into a flea infested filth hole. But that is where they were. Disgusting health hazard, for both the dogs and the person living there. No I am not a miss priss, nor am I an excellent housekeeper. But there is a limit. What really gets me is that this person in question is a relative. This situation is heartbreaking, enraging, disgusting, and completely unnecessary. Yet there it is. It is so awful there that I can not breathe in that house. Yet there she is entrenched in absolute filth. Yes she has the option of living elsewhere.

Breaks my heart, sometimes I wonder if that’s not a big part of the reason she lives the way she does. I wonder could she actually be putting her own life in jeopardy to manipulate me. To get pity, play the martyr, the poor me bit. If that is the case she truly needs counseling.

No I am not so arrogant as to think that she can not live without me. I know that she can, frankly I wish she would live her life rather than trying to suck the joy out of mine.

I’ve been through his crap so many times with this person, yet it still gets to me. I don’t think she will ever find peace in this life. Ironically it’s because she chooses not to.

Realization: she must not want peace in this life. All this time I’ve been playing into her havoc. Trying to make things better for her. 48 years of hell, one crisis after another. One personal war after another. Always fighting through trying to make things better, when she has chosen to live in a war zone. When there is no war she creates on. When there is no crisis she creates one. That’s a big part of what happened with her dogs.

Refusal to make decisions, to take care of them so people will be drawn Into her “poor me I can’t take care of my dogs” come do it for me.

I can’t get out to my dogs, but I refuse to throw away the mountains of garbage piled in my yard. When you step in and clean it out it’s “Oh you cleaned it all out”, and then a week later she has thrown garbage all over the place again. Rather than in the dumpster.

Shake it off, let it go and move on. I can do nothing about the attitudes or living situations of people that refuse to help themselves. I can do something about how I live my life.

Yesterday I allowed their attitudes to infect me. I spent most of the day, sad, frustrated, and angry. I truth I went to bed angry last night and woke up angry. My dreams were even angry. I dreamt of this monster storm on the western horizon. I can still see it in my mind’s eye.

Truthfully that storm looked a lot like the emotional turmoil going on inside of me. In the past it has taken me out for days sometimes months at a time. Enough, if they want to live in their self made hell, so be it. I choose to live a different way. Actually live, taste the wonderful fruits of life, take responsibility for my life and the way I live it.

What they do is between them and their God. I give them up to God; they have free will and as a result are responsible for their own lives, and how they live them. Just as I am responsible for my life. Life is a gift; it’s up to you what you do with it.

Enough of this …
Thank you Lord for this Glorious August Day!

Life is a journey, Enjoy the Trip (or not-it’s up to you!)
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream With Our Pomeranians

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