Monday, April 28, 2014

washing my way through 20 years of memories



Good Morning Peeps…

I spent most of yesterday washing shirts and jeans… and sorting through bib overalls… the bibs that are too big for me now I am folding up and storing… the shirts I’ve been washing are David’s … yes it took me this long to get into his closet… the shirts were covered in dust from hanging there… one of the benefits of living out in the country in an old house… dust dust dust… aw well…

The biggest part of it is not the dust… the dust washes out in the washer… each shirt has it’s own memory cues…a whether worn for work… a dinner out… just the look of the fabric across his shoulders… a smile across his face lighting up his eyes… I am not getting rid of the shirts… it is not happening… I am washing them and putting them away in storage tubs…

The plan at this time is to use them to make shirts for myself at a later date when my size has come down to where I want it and stabilized… there will be more than enough fabric to do this with each shirt…

Pulling the shirts out of the closet… stepping over his work boots to reach the shirts…just emphasizes the fact that he is no longer sitting in his favorite chair… watching Gunsmoke or John Wayne… or at a gun show with his friends… coming home to tell me of all he saw… and who was there… or coming up behind me as I was at my desk… saying… you hungry… his way of saying he would like something to eat… he would scuff his feet all the way to the back of my chair … then rub my shoulders… making it impossible for me to run the keyboard or write…

Good memories… but difficult as I wash each shirt… my heart is ripped through a meat grinder once again… people say …time heals all wounds… or you will get over it… both are non-truths… time does not heal these wounds… and you do not get over it… yes it takes time… it takes time to learn to live in a world in which your best friend is no longer standing by your side… it takes time and work to learn to live in a world in which the person you thought of first… and who thought of you first … each having the other’s back… is no longer physically here…

You do not “get over it” you evolve… transform… there is a definite marker in your life from then on… before death and after death… it’s funny you know… there is the same kind of marker in my life from the day David and I met… a transition point… the end of one era … beginning of another…

The time we had together was a gift… he will always be with me… does that mean that I am wallowing… no it does not… I am healing… growing… evolving…

As I step forward in this life… I know he is with me… watching out for me… I would rather he was here physically as well… but as that is not to be… it is one step at a time… one breath at a time… one moment at a time… stepping forward… there are moments now that I feel the sunshine… actually feel joy… of course there are triggers… myriad and many… but with each trigger… it seems there is growth… survive the triggers… allow the emotion… embrace the growth…

The snow is gone from yesterday’s weather temper tantrum… it a gray wet chilly day here on the high plains of Wyoming… the tulips survived the weather… and another patch of them is getting ready to bloom… I’ve been looking at companion planting.. thinking I may go out and stick some onion bulbs in the ground… along with some beet seed and perhaps some carrots… or perhaps I will wait for a warmer … not quite so windy day…

The dryer has finished a run… time to take more shirts out of it… and put in another load… washing my way through 20 plus years of marriage and friendship…

May you walk in peace…

I seriously need a cup of coffee….


Mary E. Robbins
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thunder... lightening... rain... sleet.... snow... memories...


Wowzers... thunder just shook my house... that lightening strike was really close... rain... sleet... lightening ... thunder...

I did get the end of my goose pen put up... and the wooden snow fence attached to my garden fence for a wind break... lined up old tires along the base of the fence... caught my ankle in some steel crap buried in the field grass... ouch... that hurt...

came in when it started raining... yesterday I took pictures of my tulips… and some of my ducks… today the ground is covered in sleet… argh…

Between picking up the rolls of fencing yesterday… and putting it up today… and carrying around those tires… driving a couple steel posts and fighting with a stock panel… my body is just done today.. ouch… aching everywhere… and so not coordinated… stumbling over things… and my arms are not wanting to function… I am thinking I have had more than a little workout… part of the pain is probably the atmospheric pressure changes… when the thunder and lightening goes away… I am going to crawl into a tub of hot water Epsom salts and zeolite… and try to soak away some pain…

Fire going in the wood stove… taking the damp out of the house… sorted through some bib overalls… the overalls being too big is part of the reason I tripped over that friggen piece of steel… I was already stumbling around tripping on them in the friggen field grass then wham… ankle into steel…

Enough whining about tripping… I am packing up the overalls that are too big for me… enough of this crap… I am packing up David’s shirts too… when I am down to size then I will more than likely use the overalls and shirts to make clothes that actually fit me… I am not horrid with a sewing machine… used to be pretty good… thinking with some practice I will be good again… not going to mess with it as my weight and size are shifting… but after I am down to size and stabilizing… I intend to have some friggen clothes that fit… even if I am tailoring them myself…

I have a bit of a quandary… due to back and abdominal injuries… and venous insufficiency in my legs I have been living in compression pants… yes wearing them under the bib overalls… I am rebuilding my muscle mass… and I am thinking that my body is reaching a tipping point with the compression pants… between benefit and detriment… I am not sure about this… but I am going to start doing at least part of my physical work/workouts… without the compression pants… or perhaps just use the ones that have loosened up rather than wearing the super tight ones… gradually work away from them… the concern is the venous insufficiency… varicose veins… argh… I am hoping that with the increased muscle tone and mass that the muscles themselves will do the job the compression pants have been sort of doing…

Today I am impatient with this process of healing and reconditioning my body… I know there is no point in being impatient… but there are days that is exactly what I am… and today it one of those… I am impatient today with triggers and recovery time… and the storm of emotions that go along with it as well… no point in being impatient with this either… yet that is exactly what I am today… impatient… physically sore…with a good touch of anger… grrrrr…

Actually a good bit of the exhaustion and impatience today … well yes the anger too… is the aftermath of a major trigger event… ppppphhhhhtttttt…. Could have done without it… or perhaps not… I don’t know… it does seem to be a part of my growth process… major trigger… massive chaos… then growth… strengthening…

Frankly yesterday … fill in whatever word you want … part of the reason my arms are so sore is as I was in the middle of yesterday’s turmoil I attacked the heavy boxing bag hanging in my Quonset… I did not pull my punches… and I was only wearing a pair of leather work gloves… then I headed out to get the rolls of wooden snow fence that had been lying in the tree row for quite some time… I was not thinking very clearly… and still had a massive adrenalin rush going on when I was pulling them out of the underbrush they were stuck in… and threw them into the back of the truck… then unloaded them and threw them over a fence… yes I strained some muscles… really pissed off the muscles at the base of that abdominal patch… on an up note… last year at this time I could not have lifted those rolls of fencing…

As sore as I am … it makes me happy to see that fence constructed… I actually followed through with it… that feels so very good…

I do believe I am going to put the kettle on… and have some hot coffee… and perhaps some raw honey and cacao nibs… and put my feet up for a bit…

Seriously?!? Now it is snowing…

May you walk in peace…
 
Mary E. Robbins

April 27th 2014 sleet and snow

buff ducks April 26 2014

duck and chicken eggs just gathered... the 2 bigger eggs are the duck eggs...

sleet and snow april 27 2014

some of the first leaves of spring... april 26 2014


house pominators... left to right... ensign... bitsy boo... tuff... peanut... molly

muscovy drake...male duck


mustard weed... thought it was beautiful... lacy leaves... april 26 2014

view to the southeast... that is my greenhouse... another project for this summer

garden spot


sunrise

tulips along yard fence april 26 2014




don't know what this is... just pretty

grape hyacinth... love these flowers

tulips budded ... almost ready to bloom






tulip in tire...

my front  porch... sanding and painting project


greenhouse project

bit of the driveway

Monday, April 21, 2014

choices... embrace the moment...



Good Morning Peeps…

Well I did it… I got that garden fence up… there is still a bit more to do on it… like anchoring the bottom of the fencing to the steel posts… but it is up enough to keep the chickens out of the garden area… looks pretty good if I say so myself… hehehe… I drove 14 steel posts yesterday… may not sound like much to some… but to me it was pretty major…

Had some reading I wanted to do last night… made it through a few pages… then zonked out… woke up in the wee hours of the morning with the Pominators and Mastiffs still outside and the front door open… brought the dogs in and crawled into my actual bed for a few hours…

A bit stiff and sore today… heading to the bath soon for a soak in Epsom salts & zeolite… that should help… then it’s out the door to freshen kennel waters… and plot out the holes for the plum and mulberries I want to plant today… take a mower over to a friend’s to be worked on… go to an appointment… work on the garden plots… as in some of the layout… where to put what…

The phone rang… totally lost my train of thought… aw well… refilled my coffee cup and left it sitting on the sink side drain board… aw… took a sip… seriously needed that…

I’ve been thinking about choices… those we make… those we refuse to make thinking that we are avoiding them… when actually we are making choices anyway… today I choose to live another day… I choose to live until it is my time to leave this realm… not just exist… to live…

So what does that mean… it means something different to each of us… for me it means … in part… it means that when everything seems to be shifting… the world around me …within me… seems to be influx … like some illusion out of the matrix… I choose to take another step forward… to choose the reality… rather than the illusion… even though it seems safer in the illusion… I choose to greet the morning sun… to appreciate the sounds of the wild birds… I choose to feel… even though part of that choice to feel leaves me open to the waves of pain and grief that come crashing in… it also leaves me open to the joy of the warmth of spring after winter… and the sounds of laughter from a friend… it is ok to enjoy laughter again… it is ok to cry… it is ok to have peace… it is ok to rage… it is ok to live… Breathe…

When the world is tipping… breathe… slow breath in… slow breath out… breathe… there will more than likely be more times of high anxiety… panic attacks… ptsd triggers… and that is ok… it just is what it is… breathe… see it for what it is… and breathe… you are of value… there is a spark of life in you… you are that spark of life… breathe… it is ok to just be… our perceptions of who we are shift and change… and that is ok… breathe… those transitions can be filled with pain… and that is ok… feel it… embrace it… slicing through to the core… and let it go… breathe… allow yourself to grow… embrace the growth… the ever evolving fluidity of what we are… and breathe…

Some say today is a good day to die… if it is my time then it is ok… so be it… but until that time… it is a good day to live… embrace it… some days are a gauntlet of rusty razor blades… embrace it… in all it’s gore… some days are the sweet scent of spring flowers on a warm sunny day… embrace it … in all it’s sweet serenity… some days are as the darkest night… embrace it …in it’s velvety blackness… embrace it and see the vivid colors of life splash out in front of you… around you… on your face in your hair… wallow in it… savor it… breathe… live… it is a choice… continually made… consciously or unconsciously made… breathe…

mmmmmm…. Strong black coffee… taking another sip… savoring the flavor… the darkness of it… the bitter edge… the richness and texture… of the liquid … savoring the flavor… life…

Phone is ringing…

… on with the day…

May you walk in peace…


Mary Robbins
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Sunday, April 20, 2014

one day at a time...



Good Morning Peeps…

Got all the panels pulled for the garden fence… woof… made it back into the house and that was the end of my activities for the night… I was asleep in the chair… got up ate dinner…. Back asleep on the couch… woke up drank some water… crawled into my bed…

I have not slept that much in a very very long time… I actually feel pretty good this morning … so my body must have needed it…

Highlander episode playing on the tv screen… the cockatiels are chittering and dancing around to the music playing in the background as they watch tv… breakfast is done… yes my typical breakfast… duck egg, 2 strips bacon, yam, a bit of raw honey and cacao nibs… finished off with fresh ground organic French roast coffee…supposed to get up to 75F (24C) here today… thinking this will be the first day of the season that the cockatiels get to go outside… they love hanging out in their cage on a stand under the evergreen tree in the front yard…

Used the high jack to pull out the steel fence posts yesterday… for the life of me I could not get the thing to work…. I was already frustrated and triggered beyond thinking straight… I put it in the back of the truck and headed to my friend’s house… he looked at it fiddled with it and got it working… back in the day I would have done the same thing… argh… it’s like my brain just shuts down and I run on emotion …. I mean seriously… enough of this nonsense… It was really bad right after David died… did not seem to be able to think at all… just feel… and that was raw guttural emotions… with no checks…

I mean seriously?! Frustrated to tears over a high jack… what is that… this from a woman who has run her own business… more than once… raised teen aged step children… been a rail… and on and on… totally stymied by a high jack…

Actually I have seen this before… after I was hurt in a robbery … on the same night of the week… my mind would trigger and I would not be able to read the restaurant tickets … on Thursday nights… happened in the mid 1980’s … the rest of the week I was fine… managing the restaurant… keeping things humming along… doing my thing… then wham… I could see the words on the tickets… knew that I should know what they were… but could not comprehend them…

I went to the doc to see if there had been some bone fragments knocked loose from a previous head injury… from years before… I had a bad concussion from the night of the robbery… from the scans there were no migrating bone fragments… turns out it was a symptom of ptsd/tbi …. Not a whine… it just is what it is… frustrating beyond words at times… but it is what it is…

The duress from losing my husband/best friend destabilized and amplified the emotional rollercoaster I’ve lived with for what seems like forever… but I am still here… still living… taking it one moment at a time… healing… growing… working my way though this life…

I write about this because I know I am not the only one out there… and perhaps my story will help another to not feel so alone in this journey… perhaps help another along the way…

A friend of mine lost her husband a few months before I did… they were lifers like we were… after her husband died … she had a heart attack… she is still here… taking it one day at a time… healing… evolving… each of our journeys are different… yet the same…

I never imagined my life without my husband… but here I am … he is still with me… I would have preferred to have him here healthy in mind body and spirit… but it seems that was not to be… I am taking it day by day… sometimes moment by moment… trying to sort out my purpose in this life… perhaps my purpose is simply to live this life day by day…and share the journey… perhaps that…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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for those of you that celebrate Easter... for those of other beliefs...may you enjoy the beauty of the graphics... and have a blessed day as well...

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Found Drum... and Measurement Surprise...



Good Morning Peeps… Woke up to a cloudy foggy day… but… wait for it… wait for it… Noooooooo Snow… yeah! The morning breeze has a bite to it…but no snow… and tomorrow is supposed to be wonderfully warm…

On the docket for today… plant mulberry trees (4) … plant plum trees (4) … Diesel and Sara into the vet’s for rabies vaccinations… clean out the back seat of truck so dogs can ride in there… take cultivator to Quonset… start putting it together… pull the rest of the staples out of window frame… tap in nails on porch walls… then start brushing off paint… take vitamins… Oxycise… tai-cheng… drink gallon of water… ranch rounds…

Frankly from the look of this list… it is probably going to stretch over a couple of days or more…

Yesterday something wonderful happened… I found the steel drum I have been looking for … for months… it is coming from Kaizen Steel Drums… https://www.facebook.com/kaizen.drums in 3 to 5 weeks...

I realized something this morning… that frankly does not seem possible… my hips are almost 10 inches down from what they were measured at …. 61 inches …. actually at one point they were bigger than that… not sure how much more since my tape measure stopped at 60 inches… down to 51.5 inches the last time I measured… still 13.5 to 15.5 inches from my goal… but certainly less that they were… hehehehehe…. Happy dance… happy dance… wiggle wiggle wiggle… dance…

Gotta get moving… want to get Oxycise and tai-cheng done before taking the dogs to the vet…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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Monday, April 14, 2014

Fat loss goals reached... and choices...



I like the message on this pic... seems a little harsh... but I still like it... reminds me I have choice... the way I've been swinging it's good to know I still have choice through these swings...

Good Morning Peeps… the sun is shining… the sun is shining… there is snow on the ground… but the sun is shining… beautiful blue skies above… the dryer is running with some bib overalls in there and my husband’s jeans… click click click goes the metal clasps on the bib overalls … spinning around in the dryer… there is another load in the washer…

Met a goal yesterday… to be able to get into a size 40 waist pair of bib overalls… I did not think I had a chance of getting into them… but I tried anyway … and much to my delight and surprise… I slid right into them… hehehe… yes with the fly closed… and I buttoned up the sides and clipped the shoulder straps.

When we made this goal… I could not get them past mid thigh. I have been wearing the ones that I wore at my heaviest… hey there are shoulder straps that keep them from falling off…lol… they are a size 52 waist… and used to be rather snug on me… now they are like wearing a big loose bag… hehehehe…

Next clothing goal… a pair of my husband’s jeans… June 8th is the goal date for this one… they are 38 waist… and a lot smaller in the leg… than bib overalls… I’d forgotten about the goal shirts… tried 2 on… the next smaller and the smaller one after that… and I could wear both of them… then I tried on a shirt of my husband’s that would not close over my bust line… and voila! It fit easily… I had to go and try another one… yup … I can wear them… then I headed upstairs to a closet that had too small clothes in it… clothing I could wear when I got married… guess what I can wear… lol… yeah baby… well they will fit for a little while… then I’ll decide what I am going to do with them… the fabrics I like I will probably keep and rip apart and remake into something else… the rest will be donated or sold.

I went up there looking for a pair of black jeans I used to wear… well they are not there… maybe they are in the Quonset… don’t know… I donated a lot of stuff… and tossed a lot of stuff… I did find a wealth of jeans I’ve kept over the years… eventually I may start making jackets or quilting with them…. In the meantime I will make use of whatever I need as this fat comes off…

Then I am going to go celebrate by doing the indoor skydiving thing… after I’ve done that I’ll decide whether I am going to do the bit out of the plane or not… that triggered another memory…

Before David died he and I went to check out what it would take for flying lessons… the trainer basically told me I was too fat for his little plane… when I told him I was taking the weight off he gave me a look that said… well … I’ll moderate it… and say “yeah right… sure you are” …

Well guess who is taking the fat off… and guess who will not be getting paid for flying lessons… as to what I actually think about his attitude… well I don’t think I’ll write that down…. Well not all of it… but the end of the phrase would be… and your little plane too…

The other day a person told me they had tested positive for HIV 20 years ago… and at the time it had been a death sentence… I am not sure what reaction they were thinking they were going to get… but what did happen is the faces of my friends that have crossed over from aids over the years danced through my mind… along with the friend that has been living with full blown aids for over 20 years…

Hmmm … a death sentence… I thought about that as I remembered the choice I had just made to not undergo the rabies vaccine protocols… I remembered the look on the doctor’s face when he told me in 2003 that I had west nile virus and should be hospitalized immediately… I asked him what they could actually do about it… when he said monitor it… I said I am going home… I remembered the conversation with the doctor before they set up the surgery to remove my ovaries and uterus… since all were so enlarged she said the odds were they were full of cancer… and as huge and as fast as this was growing if they were cancerous that is was throughout my abdominal cavity … if I did not have the surgery… I was done… if I had the surgery and it was cancerous in there… I was still done… I just realized… I never told David what the doc had said… I just went and had the surgery… bloody long surgery… it was a mess in there… they sent samples to two different labs… they couldn’t believe it was not cancerous…

I had been using some alternative treatments… trying to counter what was going on in there… ugh… perhaps that’s why it came back negative… I will never know for sure… what I do know is that the growths were taking so much of my blood supply that I only had a week or two left in this life without the surgery…

Why she told me that… I don’t really know… maybe to see if I would accept her anyway… I don’t know… why would that matter… my immediate response was… yeah… and…

When we are born into this life… we have a death sentence hanging over us… all of us… sooner or later are going to die…or rather these bodies are going to die… to the best of my knowledge anyway… I really do not know anyone that has gotten out of this life physically alive… all creatures born into this life die… some are only here for a very short time… some longer… in the overall scheme of things our life spans are but a moment if that… it just is what it is…

On the flip side… not all creatures born into this life really live… that part… that is a choice… and that choice is up to each of us…

I wish I had said that to her… but that moment is past and if it was to have been said then I suppose it would have been… I don’t know… it seems those answers are a bit above my pay grade … so to speak…

I am popping off here to do Oxycise and tai-cheng… there is another load in the dryer… the mastiffs are outside… Mow Mow Tat is stretched out on her shelf… the cockatiels… are doing their thing… chattering away… looks like I need to add another log to the fire… all in all life is….

May you walk in peace…
Mary E. Robbins

Friday, April 04, 2014

Hello Friday...



Good morning peeps… the sun is shining bright… it is a charming 25 frosty degrees F here this morning… supposed to get up to 57 today according to the forecast…

Having my coffee, honey and raw organic cacao nibs… after breakfast had 1 duck egg… yam slices fried and 3 slices of bacon… yum… pretty much my typical breakfast these days… other than the duck egg… it’s been chicken eggs… at any rate my stomach is not roaring any more… after I’ve had my coffee I am going to take my vitamins… then a hot soak in the tub with some zeolite and Epsom salts… yes I am an aching sore woman this morning…

Then it is Oxycise and tai-cheng… then out the door to transfer 2 cats out of the live traps into straw filled crates with feed and water until they go in to be spayed/neutered… and rabies vaccinated… and reset the traps… here’s hoping we are done with this bit by this coming week…

Then it’s clear out the junk/stuff out of my pickup cab… pay bills… fold laundry and put it away… do ranch rounds… take care of the cats that have already been spayed/neutered… keeping them caged up for a bit to heal… and to keep them from being caught in the live traps again… look for duck and chicken eggs… fold laundry… have some errands to run… and possibly place some of these cats as barn cats to another ranch… want to work on my porch exterior walls… tapping in all the nail heads before I start sanding to repaint… seriously do not think I will have time to be bored…lol… oh yeah and if possible work on the surround fence and the garden fence… well alrighty then… seriously need to clean out and organize my office/library as well… and pantry… and Quonset… geez… ok… take a breath… getting overwhelmed accomplishes nothing… beating myself up because it all does not get done in a day … accomplishes nothing but making myself miserable… fed up with miserable… sooooooo…

Breathe… take another deep breath…. Take it one step at a time… make a list… put what needs to be done first near the top… and take it one thing at a time for a specific amount of time… and do what you can… the rest will just have to wait for another day… another list… and that is ok…

I hear a dove calling … beautiful sound… the cockatiels are messing about in their cage… impatiently waiting for the weather to warm up enough for their cage to be set outside during the day… Blue is sitting in the feed dish… Pete is on their main perch… their cage is sitting on top of Mow Mow Tat’s kitty condo… she is asleep on her padded shelf… the Pominators and mastiffs have already been outside for their morning run and back inside… the Kitty Trio (Larry Curly and Mo) are outside in their kitty run… there are purple and yellow crocus blooming… love their bright colors … the tulips are up…not blooming yet…

I did not sleep well last night… I was worried about a cat I had not trapped yet… nor seen for several days… when I went out to check the traps this morning (there are 2 traps) she was in there… such a relief… I thought she had died or been killed by predators… that is always a risk out here… I am hoping that having the females spayed it will stop drawing the feral tom cats in… most of these cats have never been touched before being caught in these traps… no the cat I was worried about has never been handled either… totally wild.

Ok… gotta get moving … frankly I am stiff and sore and feel like sticking my feet up in the recliner and doing absolutely nothing but sleeping and perhaps reading or watching tv… but that is not going to get anything on that list done… nor am I going to get physically stronger… so… here goes…

May you have a blessed day…


Mary E. Robbins
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