Thursday, July 25, 2013

Seven months in a moment...






Today is July 25th 2013… it is the 7 month anniversary of my beloved’s passing. It seems only a second… yet an eternity. When we lived in town … and David was home from the rail… we would sit on the front steps in the evening and enjoy the moments there. A neighbor passing by… the sound of crickets… the cooling of the air on a hot day.

After we moved out here… we would go out at night and look in wonder up at the night sky… the milky way in all her splendor… the brightness of the stars scattered across the expanse… the absolute beauty of the moon… it’s amazing how different it looks out here than just in the little town of Torrington… I remember the dimness of the stars when I was actually living in the cities… but out here… such grandness…

It is still the cool of the morning although it is starting to warm… and the kennel waters need cleaned and freshened… I’ve had my coffee, a bit of cantaloupe and a whole grain bagel with a bit of cream cheese… breakfast is done… time to pull on those compression pants and get with it. Frankly I am amazed at the difference they make.

I did get two more dogs coats pulled then bathed yesterday…. Slowly making progress. One of them gave me a bit of a start… she had lost most of the previous years fleece and was already putting on her undercoat for this coming season. No I did not pull the new fleece… well a little bit of it before I realized what it was. I’d brought two more in to do … but my body had other plans… it simply crashed… the end was not doing any more… so they did not get done. Much later in the night I was able to take them back to their run… they were happy fellows to be back in their home space.

No headache per se this morning… this is a good thing. Just tired and wanting things to be settled with the interviews and such regarding our retirement annuity. I dreamt of David and others that have gone on before… for the past 2 nights… night before last it was Cheyenne… my border collie that was with me for around 18 to 20 years… she was a very good friend and it was good to see her … even if it was just briefly in a dream…

Last nights dream… I can only remember bits and pieces of… David was there… as well as quite a few other people. There was a woman and her husband there as well… folks I did not recognize… His time was not yet up… but her time was nearing it’s conclusion in this life… her body was dying of bone cancer… David had already passed … yet he was there. I think he was there for her to escort her across.

No wonder my brain feels like it’s an egg in a hot frying pan basted in olive oil…

Later taters…


Mary E. Robbins
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Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Yesterday was a rage day...




Breakfast… coffee and cinnamon toast. Groomed 2 dogs yesterday… Snickers and Hercules… Snickers is a senior chocolate girl… and Herc is a younger tri-parti male…. Poor Herc picked up on how I was feeling and I scared the daylights out of him… I managed to calm him down and went ahead and pulled his coat and gave him a bit of a trim and a bath… thankfully I managed to do both of them without hurting them.

Yesterday was a rage day. (PTSD) I used to deny it to myself… and try to turn it off… and yes you can turn it off… but all you are actually doing is storing it up… then when it does flow it is like a tsunami… a major tsunami… taking out everything and everyone in it’s path. It’s different than anger… anger is hot and flares like a fire jumping at dry kindling… for me rage is cold… soothingly cool actually… calculating… operating in a logic stream… You know writing some short story… or longer… hehehehehe… murder mysteries might be a good venue as an outlet for this… hmmmmm…. Perhaps from the murderer’s perspective… catch me… catch me … catch me if you can… a taste of revenge… a silken thread…

Hmmmm…. Do you suppose I could weave a web of intrigue and have it flow in prose… perhaps… perhaps… yet nobody knows… write the words and see them flow… characters dance to life and
flow…



If this is to happen it will have to wait… as there is a dog waiting … sitting in a crate waiting to have her coat pulled and a bath… Have already done Squeaker Boy… now on to Monkey Bone…

Freshened the girls (Hens) water trough already… watched the guineas play about it for a moment or two… snagged a fresh egg for Puss Kat… Heard cicadas last night… love the sound… a herald of autumn… 








Autumn is my favorite season… as the air cools the mornings become crisp the veil thins and the whispers of spirits flow through the autumn winds… the crone begins her winter’s dance… pumpkins ripen… the last cutting of alfalfa is down and put away… the night skies seem to become brighter with the cooler air… stars proudly shining through the velvet black… the moon challenging their brightness reveling in her glory shading the velvet black into a deep navy blue…

Ok… back to work… refilling my coffee cup and getting started on Monkey Bone… yes her name comes from the movie… she was one of my mother’s dogs… don’t remember what her original name was… but I watched that movie and when I saw her Mooonnnnkkkkeeeyyy Bone… started sing songing through my mind and out of my mouth… and she has been monkey bone ever since… she was a solid shiny black… love black animals… so beautiful… age has frosted her face with white… and slowed her dance… she is elderly now and her pace is as such… My friend Monkey Bone is past the autumn of her life and in the winter… I will miss her when she crosses the veil and leaves this life… but for now she is with me… hanging out with her lifetime friend and mate… Squeaker Boy… his bright oranges and reds have been tempered about his face with a shading of white as well… as he is walking through the winter of his life as well…

Ok… Ok… coffee… and grooming… later taters…




Mary E. Robbins
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Sunday, July 21, 2013

it is what it is..



Sorry to disappoint … it wasn’t because I don’t care or did not want to be there. It’s not a feel sorry for me thing… it just is what it is.

Yesterday I missed both reunions… the Semroska family reunion and my 35 year high school reunion. I had planned on going to both for a bit. Visiting with some folks and enjoying good company. The day did not work out that way. I spent the day on the couch short of breath, sick to my stomach, chills, and a friggen headache so bad that I couldn’t stand light….still some remnants of the headache between my eyes… yesterday I could have gladly thrown my head in the dumpster….what a relief that would have been…

As for now I am finishing my cup of coffee and heading out to freshen waters… the critters had to put up with what they had for yesterday…






The side effects of anxiety: 
nausea, insomnia, gray hair, dry mouth, headaches, hyperventilation, hot flashes or chills, high blood pressure, trembling or shaking, uncontrollable crying, trouble concentrating, anticipating the worst, feeling tense and jumpy, excessive and ongoing worry, feelings of apprehension or dread, rashes, fatigue, diziness, sweating, feeling faint, muscle aches, muscle tension, pounding heart, digestive disorders, shortness of breath, tremors and twitches, feeling detached or unreal, surge of overwhelming panic, numbness in hands and feet, feeling of losing control or going crazy... 

Effects of the side effects.... to me it should be obvious... a massively disrupted life... missed meetings, days spent unable to get off the couch... massive frustration... hiding... trying to find someplace peaceful and calm... suicidal thoughts and actions... extreme exhaustion... isolation... frightened family and friends... well meaning people getting their feelings hurt because they just do not comprehend what is actually happening... 

So what do you do.... get help... yeah ok... wouldn't it be grand if they could just "fix it" ... yeah wouldn't it.... yeah ok... I got help... they are useful... but they can't "fix it"... the only one that can actually work through this crap... is the one in it.  That's not to say you can not learn from others... because you can... and others can help be safeguards as well... if you are in this you know what I mean. 

So what am I doing... well one thing I am not doing is beating myself up over yesterday. Yesterday is friggen done... gone ... kaput!  I missed the reunions... ok fine... sucks... but it is what it is... sometimes there are days at a time that are just .... gone... 

Today I am here... the morning was cool... as in cool air and cloud cover... the air felt wonderful going into my lungs... I stopped and appreciated the feeling of the cool air sliding around my body as I stepped outside letting the dogs out to run... and gave thanks for the morning... 

Today I am going out to do ranch rounds... rather than being upset by the sounds of the animals... dogs barking... chickens doing their thing and so on... allow the sounds to comfort... caress rather than assult your senses... whether it's dogs barking... (there are over 40 dogs living out their lives here so they can get pretty wound up until they get their treats) wind howling... 

Whatever noise or sound it is... use it as a comforting wrap rather than as an assault to your senses... embrace the sounds of the car horns... herds of people chattering... trains going by... allow yourself to glide through the sound... let it wash over you and wash away the tightness in your chest... the shortness of breath... 

one breath... on moment at a time... 

some days I can do this... some days are like yesterday... it is what it is... am I writing this to explain myself... to make excuses... nope.... that is not what this post is about... it's about perhaps helping  others to understand... or to maybe help another make their way along their path... 

Why is it like this... I don't know... does it make you of less value... no it does not... 

You are of value... now breathe... 

Mary E. Robbins
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Friday, July 19, 2013

it's a spider... no it's not...

A quick note before I head out to do ranch rounds... yesterday turned into a day of required rest as well... most of the burning in my lower legs has stopped for the moment. YaY! I spent yesterday with my legs and feet elevated most of the day.

Tried rescue remedy sleep last night... it worked... it seems I slept through a rain/wind/thunder storm last night... 3/8th of an inch of rain in the gauge. looks like it came down all at once since there are wash marks where the water came rushing around the house. The reason I know there was wind is there are some branches broken out of the trees.

Emotions all over the place this morning... argh... really missing David this morning... missing the stability we gave each other while he was alive. Spin spin spin... spin like a friggen top... sadness... frustration... anxiety... grief... anger... rage... spin spin spin... whew... ok... focus .... breathe... take another breath... focus... calm... center... calm... breathe...

I tried to focus yesterday... that didn't work... ppppphhhhttttt..... i not only crashed physically... it seems I crashed mentally as well... crazy emotional ride and the friggen spider crawl all day... as close as I can tell it's anxiety making the nerve endings in my skin go a bit batty... feels like spiders crawling on you... there's a lot of spiders here ... so it's not a good idea to ignore the sensation... been there done that... got bit... aw well...

Well the friggen legs are working this morning... so I am going out and getting ranch rounds done...

Moe Moe came running up to me when I stepped outside... the wind had worked part of the top of their kitty kennel off... glad I stepped out before letting the mastiffs out... having them crush her would have been just too much... moe moe was all snuggles and hi mommie... I fixed the top of their kitty kennel hugged her up... as well as giving Curley and Larry some attention. 



Moe Moe





Ok... making myself give thanks for the day... and appreciate the beauty of the morning... the dust is washed out of the air and there is actual moisture in the air as well. As I look out across the valley to the ridge to the south east it is a patchwork of greens and golds... beautiful...

may you walk in peace... peace within yourself... and see the beauty in the moment...

later taters...


Mary E. Robbins
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Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Good morning ... I think...

Good morning peeps... not pulling Pom coats this morning... have other commitments for the day. May get some this evening... but truth be told my arms and back need a recovery day.

Farm fresh eggs, brown rice surprise with apple cider vinegar and brewed coffee with cinnamon for breakfast today...

Gonna go take a short soak in an epsom salts bath and get on with the day...

inside of my throat swelled up last night for some reason... probably dry air from the fan... friggen thing does that ... frankly I could do without it happening... kinda took the starch out of me today...

the last thing I feel like is moving about... being active... but that is exactly what I need to do... to feel better... life's little ironies...

Ok... this is me digging in... making the choice... I choose to have a good day no matter the circumstances.... grrrrrrr.... yeah ok... a good day with some growling included... 


Later taters...

Mary E. Robbins
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Yesterday evening after a full day of hair storm

Finishing my dinner... cantaloupe and cottage cheese ... with a bit of pecan pie and some coffee... no I didn't bake it... it's been in the freezer since before David checked out. Was his favorite pie... mine too for that matter.

Pete and Blue (cockatiels) are back in the house for the night. They are not making a sound... guess they are exhausted too...

The Pominators and Mastiffs are still outside... thinking I'm going to fill the Pominators feed and water dishes and bring them in... kind of early this time of year... but I am really spent and do not want to fall asleep with them outside... as I may not wake up until that alarm goes off... well I guess I'm hoping I'll sleep until the alarm goes off... lol...

Washed and dried one load of towels today... from yesterday and today... drying dogs after their baths... have another smaller load in the dryer... load of dog bedding in the washer... guess I'm all about the dogs these days...

Got seven Poms coats pulled, nails trimmed, and bathed today... back and arms were trying to give out on the last two... I went to pick up my coffee cup and watched as it shook back and forth... worked that arm until it would not go any more...

Today was: Gertie, Wolfie, Sylvie II, Sandy, T.D. II, Peaches, and Sasha...

I dumped wading tubs, and water buckets and freshened them after I finished grooming... I can really see a difference in the attitudes of the dogs that have had their coats pulled and those that have not... the ones with their coats pulled are bouncing around the others are looking at me as if to say... is it my turn yet...

I kept thinking their coats would release so it would not be so painful for them... but I am sorry to say that a good bit of them still have not released their coats... major ouch for them.... but better than sweltering...

Back is screaming... heading to the zero grav chair... so thankful that we had that thing...


nite peeps...

Mary E. Robbins
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Monday, July 15, 2013

David ... Dragons... and Dog Hair...







Foggy out this morning… a fine layer of dew on the trees and grasses… I love the fog to breathe in… wonderful… not so fond of driving in it… lol….

David was in my dreams last night. I remember being on a train with him… coming back towards Morrill from Bill WY… it was winter… dark outside… and there was a heavy fog…not a light one like this morning… anyway we could barely see the signals as they materialized out of the freezing fog… straining to see each one to see how close we were to the trains ahead of us … when we got into the South Morrill Train Yard… the walk way … railings… and ladders on the engine were completely encased in wet ice… freezing and melting… and freezing again… as the train snaked it’s way across the hills and valleys like a long dragon breathing fiery smoke… steel on steel screaming in the night… as it’s wheels clawed for traction on the cold wet icy rails… eyes glowing into the fog filled darkness challenging the icy night…






 hehehehe... couldn't resist the dragon with the coffee cup... Ate breakfast... eggs and beans this morning... with a good dash of vinegar... savoring some coffee... working on convincing my body to get moving and get some more dog coats pulled... I seriously need to start on tai cheng... thinking it would dissipate much of this body's screaming pain... ah well heading for the hairballs...




 Ok... couldn't resist... one more dragon... and a bit of good advice...now I am out to make the hair fly... lol... later taters...

Mary E. Robbins
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Tai Cheng

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Good Morning Peeps... Swelled legs... a hair storm... and memories






Good Morning Peeps... cloudy and overcast here this morning... taking advantage of the cooler temps... missing services... and pulling dog coats... got 2 more done yesterday... Earnie and Sunny Boy... coats pulled, trimmed, and bathed...

blew off taking cinnamon and cayenne for a couple of days... geez... I don't know how that stuff works but even with the compression pants my ankle and calf on my left leg was twice the size... ugh... ok.... taking cayenne and cinnamon today... several pounds heavier again... bounce water bounce swelling... bounce... pppphhhhttttt!  Yes I know it's not fat... I haven't eaten enough calories for it to be fat.

Yeouch! this body just hurts today... legs... burning and aching... back ugh... whine whine whine... groggy head ... coffee iv please... friggen face is a swelled puff ball... ah... the wonders of genetics...

Ok... enough venting... gonna have a cup of coffee and a whole grain bagel and get to work pulling those dog coats... literally taking 5 gallon buckets of hair off these dogs... what totally amazes me is that part of these dogs under coats have not released... makes it pretty tough to get them off... not to mention ... ouch ouch ouch... painful for the dog...

They sure are happy little hooters when it's all done ... dancing around after their baths... with much much less hair...

thought I was going to go to early services... but overslept... rather exhausted actually...

the coffee pot perking on a cloudy day always makes me think of Mrs Cline... she has long since crossed over from cancer I believe... she crossed over when I was still in Tulsa at university.  It Wonderful lady... always watched out over me... her boys were red heads and so was I... I worked with her at the Morrill Public Library while I was in high school and part of university. It was a blessing to have known her in this life... she had bright red hair too...

Lifting my coffee mug to Mrs Cline today... here's to cloudy rainy days and perking coffee...

Later taters...

Mary E. Robbins
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P.S.... Just a note about depression...


Friday, July 12, 2013

What if today... we were just grateful for everything...

Mmmmmmm…. Enjoying a sliver of pecan pie and some coffee… have the meals I cooked ahead put away in the frig… thinking I’m going to make some refrigerator pickled beets to go with the pork sparerib meals. Cooked to spareribs… that should make 4 meals. The rice combo turned out pretty good. I had some of that for dinner tonight… with a bit of sour cream. Needed the sourcream… the dish has a pretty good after burn to it… hehehehe….

Finished pulling Simon’s coat. He is such a gentle soul… not one snap or growl… if had been me I would have been growling to be sure… part of his coat had not released… ouch… He was happily bouncing around in his exercise yard when I finished up with him…

Got Copper Pudwell, Buttons, Mandy Moo, and Simon’s coats pulled today… all 4 are gentle souls… Happy little hairballs bouncing around after that hair was off them.

Found a tick on Buttons… sprayed the bugger with best yet cedar spray… dead tick… came right out with a comb. Need to spray all the yards and houses with cedarcide… snakes don’t seem to care for the scent of it either… yay! Seriously do not want ticks… ick… Sara (bull mastiff) had 2 on her the other day… I wanted to get more grass mowed down before I spray but I think I’m going to go ahead and spray the yards then keep working on mowing the perimeter grass. Got to get those dog coats pulled… that has to be a priority… wish I could just keep going on them all day… but about all I can manage at this point is 4 poms a day… and that’s if I do not mow or work on other physical things… grrrrr…. When my arms and back are giving out I quit … learned the hard way that if I try to keep going pulling coats then I end up hurting the dogs… and knock myself out to the point of actually getting less done in the long run.

While I was pulling coats a thunderstorm rolled through… dropped a bit of rain… it’s thundering off to the southeast now… I gave the Poms I was grooming a bit of rescue remedy… took the edge off their stress levels when the clippers kicked on as well as dealing with all the hair pulling and the thunder… they did really good…

Going to start on the next group in the morning… my back and arms are done for now. Heading for the zero grav chair … seriously going to turn the massage on… yup…

Gonna run the house Pominators and Mastiffs in when I get done writing… that thunder sounds a bit louder… plus I do not want to try to get everyone in and tended too after I’ve relaxed in that chair… good chance I’ll be asleep shortly after I get in it… lol…

Went out and gathered my eggs… one of my hens died… she was dead just lying out in the chicken yard. Probably a combination of age and the heat.

I’ve been making a point of giving thanks for the day each morning. No matter what kind of a mood or what state my body is in when I get up. I’ve noticed this has made a significant difference in how my day goes… or rather what my perspective is on the day as a whole.

Think I’ll go get the Pominators in and get in that zero grav chair… it is 7:44 p.m.

Later taters…


Mary E. Robbins
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Wednesday, July 03, 2013

July 3rd, 2013... a day in the life...





6:30 a.m.
Good morning peeps... house critters are all outside enjoying the morning temps... I've had my toast and coffee... heading outside to start up the big mower... miss my Hubs... we used to sit at the table and have coffee and eat breakfast... and visit... sometimes just be together... we walked up on the taller hill behind the house and watched the 4th of July fireworks from a distance... we could see some from the various towns in the distance...

We cherished the times we were able to spend holidays together... because most of the time we could not... he did not lie to get off work... so most holidays he was out on the trains... I am thankful for the love and time we had together... we were going to grow old together...

David went on ahead... I know he is ok... whew... ok... deep breath... and another... heading outside to run the big mower... it really is beautiful outside this morning... heard the pheasant calling this morning... the cockatiels ... pete and blue... are singing greetings to the morning...

Greetings... to the Morning...




11:30 a.m.
Well my plans got changed... I was filling the gas tank on the dr mower when my back decided to spasm... grrrrrr... spilled some gas but at least I did not drop the can. Then I went to start the mower... dead battery again... ugh... so the charger is on it... when I park it this time it will be either in the quonset or close to it... with a maintenance charger on it. We'll see if that works.

Mowed down some more grass and weeds down between the quonset and the chicken run... made a bit of a mess out of the mower blade. It still works but is pretty dinged up... It will take quite some time... but I will be glad to have the iron and stuff gone off this place... or all piled together... at least there will be no wild critters hiding in thigh high grasses as I walk by there.

the muscles around my rib cage did not hold long today... used up about all they had knocking down those last weeds and trimming the base of a tree. Thought I'd rake a bit... but that did not work... will have to wait for another day.

going to try the dr mower again in a bit... I know it will be hot out but perhaps I can manage to get a bit mowed. probably not a good idea... but if I can control the mower I am going to give it a go.

have dishes soaking in the kitchen sink... stripped the bed and put the sheets in the washer... dog laundry half done... the pads for the mastiff's beds still need washed.

I did not sleep well last night... woke up every hour... has left me rather tired. A soak in an epsom salts bath may be a good idea after I have done the dishes and folded some laundry.

Not sure what I am going to do for the 4th of july... if anything special. Fireworks are so hard on the dogs I will not be having any here... do not think I would risk it as dry as the grass is in any event. Torrington announced that they were cancelling theirs... I believe Scottsbluff is still setting theirs off... not crazy about driving home after... I've been staying very close to home at night since David passed.

In time perhaps my adventurous spirit will return... One step at a time...



1:30 p.m.
 I did it! I got the dr mower started… I followed through and mowed one of the driveways … walked it for an hour… and an added bonus… I stopped at an hour. Celebrating stopping after an hour may sound silly… but it is not… let me put it in perspective for you. I tend to get out there and just keep going until I can go no longer… now you would think that would get more accomplished. Well it does not! When I keep going until I can go no longer, it is literally until I can go no longer and I end up unable to function for days afterwards. So pacing myself and stopping in a prescribed amount of work or time actually allows me to accomplish more. Hopefully without the injuries to my body I usually incur.

Peeled my sweat soaked clothes off… after I pick the cheat grass heads out of my compression pants I am going to do a load of colored laundry and wash the sweat and dirt out of them. Rehydrating with a greenberry Shakeology smoothie. Going to cool down… then get in a tepid Epsom salts bath and hopefully start on my inside list again.

I blew it yesterday after working outside and crashed when I came back inside. Giving myself some time parameters today to try to keep focused on the various tasks. Perhaps that will help to keep my mind focused and away from grief … anxiety… panic attacks… and the rest of that nightmare as well.

I choose to function…. I never really thought of that as a choice… but I have discovered it is an active choice for me these days… often a determined one to actually make it come to pass. Who’d a thought.

Take 30 minutes to drink Shakeology smoothie and cool down… then bath… then it’s off to town to take care of some business that needs to be done today and refuel the jeep and get chicken feed. Oh yeah… the girls gave us 5 eggs today. YaY…I got them before whatever else is eating them. No broken egg shells in the chicken house…

Then back home make the bed, wash some more dishes, fold some clothes, get online and do some research.

Winding down… truth be told I’d just as soon curl up on the couch and take a nap… but that is not for now. I want to be able to say to my self… I did it at the end of this day.



May you walk in peace...

Mary E. Robbins
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Tuesday, July 02, 2013

Celebrating a Victory!



I did it! I used the push mower for an hour on heavy grass and weeds on very uneven terrain… yeah baby! I am thinking I’ve gotten a good workout in for today. I used the small mower because most of this was close work around fences and junk… the DR mower is to big for me to handle safely on that close in work. Really do not want to destroy it’s shaft or blade because I ran it over some old equipment buried in the grass…. Ugh… so it’s the small one that is not self propelled. Between the kennels and the mowing I was outside working around 3 hours… lots more to do… but if I am planning on being able to function at all tomorrow… it’s time for me to stop on the majorly physical stuff today… need to put these legs up and cool down and rehydrate. Sure feels good when I look at all the mowing I’ve gotten done… tomorrow… the drive ways again… that will probably take all the time I am allocating for mowing tomorrow.

Then there is some work I want to do on the computer… prayers that this works out well… thanks…

My tomato plants have 4 or 5 green tomatoes on them… YaY! And lots of blooms… loving it… the rest of the garden… well that did not really happen… have a few cucumbers planted. Ah well… will try to keep the peonies alive this time around and soak my mums, asters, grapes and see if I can keep the aspen trees alive that I planted last fall….

Have the radio station set on a positive upbeat station… what a wonderful difference that makes…

What a difference a few hours can make. This morning I woke up in a fit of terror. Major anxiety… panic attack setting on in full force… talked to my cousin a bit then took my omega 3’s, saint johns wort, and rescue remedy… ate breakfast and headed out the door to do kennel rounds. Before I went out I set the radio station on a positive station… that helped as well… there still are no clear answers to how things are going to go from day to day… but my mindset is much better than it was this morning… and I actually accomplished something rather than crashing and being nonfunctional… this may not sound like much but it is so very very major….

Celebrating a Victory….


Life is a journey...  one moment one breath at a time...

Mary E. Robbins
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