Just Breathe

Rough weekend. Frankly the roughest in a very long time. Wave after wave of pain… both emotional and physical… crisis level after crisis level. Panic attacks, anxiety… anger… unable to speak or read… confusion… wailing… stuck in place staring into space… it’s time to get help… probably way past time truth be told… It seems it is beyond me to stabilize this on my own…this time around.

I am exhausted… perhaps a little wiser… perhaps not… at any rate I am still here. 

With a bit more understanding of what my Uncle Gene went through. 

Searing pain in my left knee is what woke me up this morning.  Legs are not wanting to work well today. Genetic crap… I remember my mother trying to make her legs work… and grandma as well. 

As much as I wanted to have children… perhaps it is better that I was unable to. At least they will not have to deal with this genetic heritage.

It is amazing to me how life and/or our states in it can change so very rapidly. Years of work and focus… to actually be able to have relative peace in my mind… shattered … gone… in an instant…

Swirling chaos once again….with no safe place to hide…and rest… Years ago … over 30 years ago now… the library in Morrill Nebraska used to be my safe place.  Mrs. Cline was the librarian   with her bright red hair and kind soul.  She always kept an eye out for me because I was a little red haired girl… like her red haired kids. Light skin and red hair.  No matter how chaotic things got at home or around me… it was calm and safe there.  I realize now it was not the only the library… it was Mrs. Cline’s presence. I would go and look for my favorite books and actually fall asleep in the stacks. 

One moment at a time…

Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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I woke up Pissed off

I was freaking because this is my weigh in day; and I had a very bad week. Days of uncontrollable eating, hiding, not working out. Over all my anxiety levels were off the charts and I was raving mad-angry all week. Ok I got on the scale: I thought I had gained weight but I had no idea that I had put on 6 pounds in one week. Good grief. I lost 5 pounds last week and gained 6 this week.

Ok so what am I going to do about it. How do I accomplish my weight loss goals.
1. go to bed at night. Take a sleeping pill if necessary.
2. journal
3. restart the workout program at beachbody- I am going to set the automatic scheduling program in my calendar at beachbody and follow through with the daily workouts. Last week I think I only made my workout 1 or 2 times at most. Bad news bears.
4. write out a daily schedule-not set in stone, but a get up, do this, then this, time for the other and so on- more like a daily plan-include editing time, meetings, workouts, kennel care, kennel editing, tax work, phone time, motivational reading time, rest time…maybe then everything won’t run together and result in all night sessions on the computer
5. food journal
6. plan some menus
7. work on Midwest center program

I’ve been tripping ever since my birthday. Might have a little to do with turning 49. Mostly it’s a reaction to the total stress overload the idiots at the Bill lodging caused by losing my husband. Then calling here saying they couldn’t find him when his bloody room number was in the freaking computer all the bloody time. Whoa nellie! Yes I am still very very very ..angry. Next to nothing is setting of a volcano of rage boiling up and out all over the place.

LuLu our yellow lab is so stressed out and anxiety ridden that she is shaking. Poor dog she shakes so bad she rattles anything she lies up against. The dogs woke me up in the wee hours of the morning. 3:30 a.m. I think. Wouldn’t have been so bad but it’s been 3 nights running that I haven’t had much sleep.

Just dawned on me what is going on. Because there hasn’t been anything out in the yards or around the yards to set them off. It’s been my attitude. I’ve been so tightly wound and angry that I’m effecting them big time. A wicked rage has been flaring at next to nothing. The full blown kind of anger that –geez you just want to grab a hammer and beat the stuffings out of whatever gets in your way. No I haven’t done that. But I know my dogs know that I feel like it. Someone must have done that to LuLu before we got her, because she is terrified when I get like that. I keep a very tight reign on my actions, especially when rage is boiling. I will not allow myself to act out physically harming the dogs or anyone else.

I am overreacting to every little thing. It’s amazing how writing brings realization; and often resolution. I can feel the tension draining out of my back muscles as I write.

I started the Midwest Center’s Attacking Anxiety and Depression CD/DVD series this week. I would wager that actively engaging the rollercoaster ride of my mind is part of what’s kicking the anger into overdrive. Part of me seriously does not want to change, hence the anger, the food binge (to stay fat) and so on.

Too bad, So sad another part of me is seriously looking forward to not being fat. In fact I am excited about being lean and physically fit. No more hiding in a fat suit. Whomp There it is!

No more hiding, that’s part of the reason I am going to go ahead and post this journal entry. Admit it, face it, put it out there, deal with it. Roller coasters are fine in carnivals or Disney land, but living on an emotional one tends to suck big time. Ppphhhhtttt! To the rollercoaster ride. I am doing this.

MY resolutions:
Live the greatest year of my life!
Live life now: appreciate each moment as it happens.
Live in peace within myself.

He he… I feel better already! From what I have seen so far the Midwest Center's program is very effective.

Life is a journey, enjoy the trip.
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream With Our Pomeranians
Independent Beachbody Coach: Getting Fit Physically and Financially


P.S. Guess I should say Getting Fit, Physically, Mentally, Spiritually, and Financially.