Thursday, January 30, 2014

I am still here



Rough rough day yesterday. I triggered … no I did not set out to do so… actually started the day before… long friggen cycle… this time around… anger just kept building… then rolling into utter desolation… argh… I realized what was happening… but did not seem to have an option other than to ride it through… then it’s over… or that part of it is anyway… spent most of the night going back and forth between fevers and hot flashes… but hey… I am still here… so obviously I made it through… although I must say… I would love to never go on that particular ride again… humph… well it’s a thought…

Frankly I am glad it is over. Today is a new day… so on with the show… the show being life… a dump truck of cement pieces should be here shortly… the plan is to utilize it to make some pathways… and build up my driveway… probably going to take more than one truckload… but I am only getting one truckload at a time… as it is all hand labor. Dual purpose… walkways… be nice to have something to step on besides slippery slide clay when the ground is wet… will also be quite the strength and endurance building endeavor.

We got a skiff of snow outside… the air is full of moisture… it smells like spring… want to send for some mulberry trees… here is hoping I can get them to grow and keep the hoppers off them… I remember eating mulberries when I was a kid. I also remember smearing in my girlfriend’s little brother’s hair… light blond hair…dark purple berries… I bet her mom was just thrilled with me over that one… yeah… probably not… but it still brings a smile to my face… what can I say…

Breakfast is done… bacon, egg (yes from my girls), summer squash, coffee… saw another purple finch yesterday… beautiful little creatures… just got a call from the cement guy… they are on their way out… should be 20 or 30 minutes. You know it would be pretty nifty to build some raised beds out of that stuff… hmmmmm…. Driveway first… or parts of it any way…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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Cement chunks arrived... 
Having a cuppa coffee... and heading out to the quonset... was going to work out first... oxycise and tai-cheng... but if that storm moves in this afternoon... I'll workout then... after getting the dust and grime washed off me from the quonset... lol.. hmmmm thinking I'll grab a cart load of wood too... might be a good idea... this pic struck a chord with me....

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

recognize the fear



Yesterday I went to a funeral… a friend’s husband had crossed over to the other side… this couple were railroaders… like David and I were railroaders… Lynn is still a railroader… her husband Mark had retired… now he is fully retired to the other side… leaving his wife and family in this life. The service was good… remembering his life… ending in a song that he had chosen… bringing smiles and tears to faces…

I made it through the service… held it together… but started coming apart before the reception… and I ran. Yes I did… I ran away… or rather drove away… headed for home. I used the excuse to myself that Lynn knew I had been there… and that she did not need a bawling rail wife at her husband’s reception…

The truth is… I never went to funerals … or any other social gatherings without David. For over 20 years… it may not seem like it… but I can be really shy in social situations. David was my rock… my shield… my strength…

I parked the jeep… and started walking up the hill to the funeral home… I looked across the street and there was the place David gave me the last bouquet of roses he ever gave me… they were lavender/cream bicolor roses… he surprised me with them after I had walked a 5k. Frankly I about lost it right then and there.

I stopped at a friend’s house on the way home… and this person made a point… frankly it was a point that I was not receptive too… but it got into my head and stayed there. He said man you missed it … you should have gone to the reception… that is when the person’s life is celebrated… we have it wrong in this country… it should be a celebration.

As he was talking about celebrating the lives of those moving on ahead… I was standing there suffocating in fear… with pain ripping through my chest… I ran again… came home… pain still ripping through my chest… silently screaming all the way home. I got into the house… visited with a girlfriend on the phone who is also a widow… she is 6 years into her new life… I managed to stomp the pain and fear down through our conversation… although I did not realize that was what I was doing.

When I got off the phone… wham… pain… panic attack… massive anxiety… grief… mixed with anger at my friend that had called me on my cowardice in running away from the reception. He did not say that directly… but that is what he did in actuality. At the time… I did not realize it was cowardice… I thought I’d been brave and stepped up… and I suppose I did to a point.

I was sitting on the couch trying to stabilize… frankly still dealing with that as anxiety tries to roll over me in waves… as I was sitting there a realization smacked me upside the head… It was not grief that drove me away from the reception… it was fear. The pain ripping through my chest was being amplified and driven by fear. Absolute … paralyzing fear… Fear of snapping back to the place in my life that I was right after David died.

When I realized what I was allowing to eat me alive… when I came to the realization that it was absolute fear… the searing pain ripping through my chest… stopped… the overwhelming anxiety subsided… the panic attack went away… yes I am still sad over my husband being gone… I miss him… and it is ok to allow myself to feel that pain of separation… but it is a choice as to whether or not to allow fear to take my life away.

David’s time in this life is done… we were two that had become one… now that part of me that was him has been ripped away… and I am healing and evolving into the next phase of my life… taking one step at a time… sometimes a very small step… with massive slips and slides… landing solidly on my face… splat…

I am choosing to recognize the fear… in all its varied forms… which frankly seem to be rather extensive… but I have noticed that when I recognize fear for what it is… I am able to step through it… and it dissipates … like smoke in the wind… leaving the other emotions behind… to be felt… to be released… leaving my life to be lived…

Yes I still miss my husband… by our plans he was still supposed to be here… but it seems our plans were superseded… so even though it is rather scary stepping forward without him… it seems that is what I am to do in order to continue actually living…

It is ok to feel the pain… it is only pain… it is ok to feel joy… it is ok to live… one moment… one breath… one step at a time…


Mary E. Robbins
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Tuesday, January 28, 2014

hide or evolve



Good morning peeps… almost afternoon here now… it was a frosty 5 degrees when I got up… according to weather.com it is now a balmy 16 degrees F… on an up note… the sun is shining and the wind is not howling… the bright sunshine feels good as I step out into the brisk January air… so glad the wind is not howling…

Just in a weird place… another railroader’s funeral is today… shortly after retirement… another life partner gone… as the other is left behind to deal with the brokenness… of grief… and turbulence of drastic change… and the evolution of healing … forming into the you that is after….

Fear not … is running on an endless loop through my mind… as it has been for the past … I don’t know how many days… every direction I turn…

I keep running into… yes even in my dreams… go forward… let go… keep moving forward… embrace the change… live grow… I am kinda like… well ok then… I think I got the message… truthfully though I am feeling like crawling back into a hole and hiding…


Yes I have choice… I can regress… burrow into what seems like a safe hiding place… which actually leads to depression… anxiety… overwhelming fear… or I can step forward… embracing the light that is shining… take a breath… take a step… grow… walk that tightrope… and live…

Hmmmmm….

Stomach in a knot… stepping forward… no fear… embrace life… breathe… live… evolve…


Mary E. Robbins
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Monday, January 27, 2014

Fear not... for...



Good Morning Peeps…
Gratitudes: warm fire in the wood stove… my first cup of coffee for the day… a roof over my head…

Chilly morning here this morning… was 10 degrees F when I ran the dogs out… however the wind is not blowing … at the moment… lol…

Heading out to do ranch rounds… and bring in a cartload or 2 of firewood…

Crazy dream this morning chased me out of bed… I was driving along the side of a raging stream of water… when a washout full of water came up in front of my jeep… couldn’t stop in time…ended up in the wash out and the water shoved the jeep into the flooded stream with me in it… could not get the doors open… as we started being washed down the stream with the rest of the debris… woof… now that’ll wake me up in a hurry… geez…

Thinking I’ll be slowing down on the gravel roads and cross country in my jeep… it was kind of like… pay attention… you can not stop at those speeds… yeah ok… I got the message… if that was the message… might not have anything to do with the jeep… could be related to a conversation that took place yesterday… which I am not going into… and no it was not on facebook… could be just a dream… hmmmmm….

Yes we do have flash floods out here…and washouts… really does not feel like it was about that… thinking it is about consequences of choices… hmmmmm…. Thinking I may already be in the stream… no turning back now… rock on…

There is a scripture that has been running through my mind over and over the past few days… Fear not for I am always with you… whew... I definitely felt the fear in that dream… thinking perhaps … the two are tied together… just let it go… the fear… and hang on cause we are going for a ride… and that ride is called life…

Heading out the door to fill the wood cart… hope the girls (hens) have given an egg or 2…

Oh yeah… and… drum-roll please… I am 42.2 pounds down… 271.6 lbs on the scale this morning…yay!

Later taters…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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Friday, January 24, 2014

we were a team



Came across this pic... in a friend's post... My husband loved John Wayne movies... I sure miss him... I’ve had a burr under my saddle… so to speak ever since a conversation with a “friend” the other day.

She nonchalantly announced oh… we all know who ran yours and David’s relationship… inferring it was me. Man … did she ever not get it. David and I were a team.

I am sorry that her relationship is conditional on her being a servant to her husband. To me that is not a marriage… it is slavery…. but then it is not my marriage… they can live as they see fit… it’s too bad they seem to have the need to try to tear down others that walk different paths…

David was a strong man both physically and in heart. In his younger days… he played football… was a bare knuckle fighter… could pick up an auto engine block and walk off with it… the man was loyal to a fault… and had a strength of heart that I have seen in very very few.

Self-righteous is something he was not… hypocritical… also something he was not… judgmental… again… something he was not… Real… yeah… he was that…

He fought his way back from a vicious stroke May 2001 … he had to relearn speech… and compensate for massive changes in strength and motor control…. As well as deal with the drugs the doctors put him on. All in all he did an amazing job of it…. Eventually … in my opinion… the drugs took him out… or perhaps it was just his time to cross over…

We took care of each other… we respected and cared for each other… we loved and actually liked each other… and of course we had our days… that we totally pissed each other off… oh yeah… of course that happens… we loved each other unconditionally… pissed off or not… lol…

We were protective of each other… and it would seem that I still am and always will be… my husband was not a lap dog… he was my equal partner… each of us had our strengths and weaknesses …

David and I were a team… either of us would have laid down our lives for the other. That is who we were.


Mary E. Robbins
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Wednesday, January 22, 2014

May you walk in peace… live fearless… fly free…



Good Morning Peeps… (actually it’s afternoon here now…but I’m posting it anyway…)

Beautiful sunrise… the hairballs have been run out and are back inside… mastiffs too… supposed to have a bit of snow and cold later… as for now it is still 30 degrees… wouldn’t break my heart if they were wrong and it warmed up to the 50’s… hehehehe… but we do have a “special weather statement” supposed to start snowing around 1 p.m. then turn to rain around 3 p.m. then back to snow… hmmmmm… can we say ice…

Be careful if you are driving out and about… glad I’ve got a wood stove… some coffee beans … a tea kettle… and a French press … if the power goes out… oh and yes I do have some water in the kettle… lol…

Have not worked out yet… but am going to… am seriously enjoying a day home… writing listening to some good tunes… may rome on out to the Quonset later for a bit and clear some more out of that mess… gonna be so great to have that put together… maybe have a party later in the season to celebrate… now there is a thought… hmmmmm….

Had breakfast … home grown chicken egg… yay… sautéed spaghetti squash… and a bit of beef steak… yes this woman is definitely a carnivore… ok… omnivore… love veggies and fruit too… hehehe… oh and lets not forget coffee…. Cccooooffffeeeee… the darker the better… the aroma the flavor… yeah ok… I think you got the idea… I love dark rich bitter coffee… espresso anyone… hehehehe….

Oh and not this is not the kind of coffee David loved… he loved the light brown mellow flavors…

Man oh man… I am loving this woman’s music… Beverly McClellan… feeling the tunes and rhythms… mmmmmm… enjoying… dark coffee … and good music … a bit of heaven … in my living room… just close your eyes and let the sounds wash over you… feel the base swirl down through your soul… yeah I am smiling now…


Ok … I got sidetracked and did not finish writing… took care of some paperwork that needed to be done… and came to a decision regarding the ink work on my left arm… yes it is time for more ink… my birthday and David’s birthday are rapidly coming up. It is time to do the memorial work on my arm… of course right after I decided what I was going to have done and called the artist… my stomach flipped over and did a little ick dance…

No it’s not about the needles… it’s about another step in the healing process… I am having a pocket watch inked on my arm along with roses… his birth date and death date… with the pocket watch’s hands at the time of the 911 call… yes I called and got the exact time…. His initials or name… a life well lived… Don’t cry because it’s over …Smile because it happened

This is my memorial to David celebrating his life in this realm… and wishing him well in his journey on the other side. Frankly I never thought I would get to this point… yes I still miss him… and he will always be a part of me… and I him… but I accept that it was his time to cross over… whether I like it or not… and it is not my time to make that transition yet… so it is my responsibility to live… and part of living is wishing him well and celebrating life.

Ok… that feels a bit like walking out on a single strand rope bridge over the grand canyon… Yes I am doing it anyway… I am letting go… whoa… yes I really said that… I know David wanted me to live… to savor life… I know this for certain because he said so… I would want the same for him… and I do want the same for him… even though his journey takes him on beyond where I can reach at this point… fly free dear one… fly free…

As for those that have an issue with my choices… that “issue” would be yours not mine… deal with it… or don’t … it’s up to you…

May you walk in peace… live fearless… fly free…


Mary E. Robbins
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tat I want to get for our birthdays...

Birthday tat… 2014

DWR… initials on inside of cover… or on face of watch…
Pocket watch with face time at 8:37 p.m.(or as close to that as possible... this was the time of the 911 call)


February 8th 1951 – December 25th 2012 on ribbon above pocket watch (perhaps)
And then: A life well lived… on the ribbon …

kinda curling around the watch

DWR or David Wayne Robbins on the watch lid
The time set at 8:37

Under the watch… perhaps on ribbon… incorporated into rose or roses…

Don’t cry because it’s over
Smile because it happened

this watch is not exactly... but rather an idea... 

Monday, January 20, 2014

Embrace the process...



I am officially 38 pounds down. 12 pounds from 50 pounds off… argh… now where did that magic wand go… so I can just shake it 3 times and be down to my goal weight and size… and condition… optimally healthy in mind body and spirit… what do you mean I left in the other realm… no… say it isn’t so…

Lie to me man I need the fantasy right now… I also need a cup of coffee and something to eat… well I did make coffee… and yes with those dark roasted beans… ground them first… fiddled with the coarseness of the grind… that is the coolest little machine… love it… really like that is not electric too.

I could have seriously done without waking up around 2 am in full melt down… what the bleep was that…. Come on… major headache… literally… and in full on bawl it out meltdown…. From being asleep. Argh… Thank you God… yes I do mean that… for Rescue Remedy Sleep… I took some asprin… some stuff to keep the mucus from choking me and to open my sinuses back up… and some Rescue Remedy Sleep… and crawled back into bed… still have a headache… but not an eye splitter like it was.

Yeah ok I get it… I have emotions… but do they have to come out in a rave in the middle of the night and beat me about the head…. Come on… tears are salt water… not needed to irrigate crops with… so … enough already… and the oceans are rising already… well I don’t know about the Great Salt Lake… maybe it needs some more… ppphhhhtttt….

This has happened several times over the past week or so… again… freezing cold… no hotter than a frying pan… oh is my skin on fire… feels that way… nerves doing their hey day dance… again… oh… no it is below zero… all topped off with a level 5 tornado of emotions tearing their way through your being… oh yeah it is a party here tonight… so far the cold sweats have not started again… I know this because my sheets have not been soaked…

So why write about this… because I know you are out there… because this stuff has been hidden for way too bloody long. This is not a defect… not a disease… it is our being’s… our body’s way of processing… it sucks… yes… but it is what it is… We go about our days… doing what we have to do… functioning… then we go to sleep… and the pot that was simmering comes to a full boil and it all comes out… sometimes it takes a really long time for it to come out… sometimes not so much… it is probably a good thing that it does not all come out at once… because frankly just processing the way it is … is totally exhausting…

So is this a good thing or a bad thing… it is neither… it just is… how we perceive it can turn it into a good thing or a very bad thing.

You have a choice… yes there is that miserable word again… choice… dropping the responsibility for how we deal with this stuff right back in our laps. We can choose to fold up… to curl in… to slide into a never ending ever darkening spiral of self destructive pain… and allow this process to literally destroy us…

Or… we can choose to embrace the process… see it as a healing process purging what has been buried within… festering … poisoning us…

I choose… to see it as burning away the toxic sludge that has been poisoning me… like a purifying fire… no it is not a pleasant process… rather sucks actually… but it is what it is… sometimes healing is … well I’ll just let you fill in that word…

Yesterday I was caught up in the mire… last night was a purging… I survived it… today I am stronger than I was yesterday… and I have the gift of a bit of enlightenment… this is truly a gift… as this morning is when I made the choice to embrace the process rather than be torn apart by it…

Hey… sometimes it takes a while to catch on to what is actually happening… especially when it is all hush hush… oh no that didn’t happen… or it is night terrors… yeah ok… it is night terrors… call it what you will… but what is it actually…

You have a choice… you can choose… and yes I know how bad that pain is… beyond words… ok…. It is up to you whether this process destroys you… or strengthens you… Yeah… I know… what a choice …not exactly the words that ran through my mind … but it is what it is… and it is up to you… never told us about this in those friggen fairy tales… aw well…

Today I have chosen to embrace the cleansing process… to forgive… and to let it go… what does this leave me with… it leaves me with peace… will I have to make that choice again… yeah… more likely than not… hence the word process…

Now on to the day…

Pete (cockatiel) is doing his good morning talk… Diesel is grrroooaaanning… he wants to go outside… he growls… groans… then huffs… well I am a couple hours late… when I went back to bed I did not set the alarm since I usually wake up between 4 and 5 and this time I did not… so they are telling me about it…

Yeah ok… I let them out and poured me a cup of coffee. It is a bit above freezing and overcast… with a beautiful pink display to the east… yes in the sky… of course the wind is blowing… does not seem to be as hard as yesterday… but it is blowing… and the wild birds are doing a concert in the evergreen tree outside my door. The sun has come up enough to stream in my kitchen window… fire is burning in the wood stove… dancing around the wood as she (the fire) has her breakfast… speaking of which… I am hungry… so I am off (yeah enough already…lol) to cook some breakfast… then vitamins… then oxycise and taicheng… then haul in firewood… do ranch rounds… perchance to find another egg… then it is into the quonset to sort some more… have some phone calls to make this morning as well… I am thinking this is going to be a full day…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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Saturday, January 18, 2014

Good Morning Peeps...



Good Morning Peeps…

Got a couple more hours of sleep… after waking up at midnight and being up for a bit… the mastiffs have been ran… Pominators as well… and are all back inside… looks like it is going to be a beautiful sunny January day… albeit windy… yeah… could seriously do without the wind.

When I first stepped out the door this morning… yes in my sleep shirt and slippers… hehehe… it had a good bite of cold to that wind. The Moon was still hanging in the western sky… beautiful lady that she is… with light just dusting the eastern horizion…

Breakfast is done… bacon, sautéed spaghetti squash, an egg… yes one from my girls (hens) … and the coffee has been made. The percolator is now a hot water pot and I have moved to my French press… the percolator was in homage to David… as he loved perked coffee… I am much more of a French press or espresso type of girl…

I sent for a coffee grinder… she is a Peugeot and is lovely… no she is not electric. A friend roasted some organic coffee beans for me yesterday morning… then made some espresso… ah… heaven on earth… the aroma… the body… the flavor… I was a happy happy woman…

No I did not grind any of those this morning… I am using up what I had… and frankly the difference is vast… lol… yes even in the French press … thinking one of those little espresso makers would be a wonderful idea…

Busy day yesterday… and another today… got more mess moved out of the Quonset and another dead vehicle gone. I am amazed at the effects some of this is having on me… some things are triggering painful memories… some things as they go away… are weights lifted off my very being. I wonder how many of us are weighed down… trapped by memories or obligations tied to stuff… stuff we really have no actual need for… stuff that is like an anchor tied to us weighing us down in the muck… and as we rip ourselves free… we are free to fly… no it is not all smooth sailing… there are down drafts ya know… but free to fly I think is a very good thing… a bit scary… but good… very very good…

Oh yeah… and I am down to 276.0 lbs… 313.8 – 276.0 = 37.8 lbs down. Happy dance…happy dance… wiggle wiggle wiggle… happy dance… hehehehe…

Long way to go … but that much less to carry around…

May your soul be filled with peace… and your heart with joy… your body good health… for this… this is truly wealth…





later in the day: 



It is official… yup… I am officially pooped… went to Morrill and made some decisions about the property… then headed out to my cousin’s place to look over the little ford ranger parked out there…

Memory after memory came flooding back on the drive out there… memories of walking in tri-state irrigation canal when it was dry… of sitting under the bridge listening to the traffic go over…. Of riding my bike out to the cemetery… to savor the quiet… no one yelling out there… and the speed and fun of the ride back home coming down the hill… going faster than the bicycle could peddle so just tuck and glide… I loved riding down that hill on my gold 10 speed bicycle…

Used to ride my horse along the access road along tri-state too… miss that horse… she was a very good friend.

Then zoom back out by Huntley… to drop off my friend… and we sat and watched the chem-trails for a while… geez… there were a lot of them…. Kinda gives me the willers…

Then back to my place to clear some more stuff out of the Quonset. Making good progress on that…. Unfortunately it is looking like I just may need another dumpster… ugh… who’d a thought there was that much stuff in there.

I thought it was my lunch… making me sick to my stomach… I had a pickled egg on my salad… but you know I do not think that is it. I am thinking my stomach turned at the thought of tossing Christmas decorations that have been in my family for 3 generations… the friggen birds and cats made a capital crappy (literally) mess of them… argh… there is a lot of emotion tied into that… but perhaps it better to just let it go…. Yeah ok… that nausea is emotional… ick… let it go and move on…

Just looked over at the wood stove… there is this dark dark orange flame dancing in there… like a fire fairy dancing through the night…

Heating up some water to make another pot of coffee… and going to put my feet up for a bit and curl up with Bitsy Boo (black Pomeranian) … and just relax and read a bit … quiet time…



Mary E. Robbins
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Friday, January 17, 2014

little big word




Good Morning Peeps…

Breakfast is done… the fire is flickering in the wood stove… thinking I could use some fresh coffee… and a hot epsom salts soak… Moving kinda slow this morning… have the mastiffs outside… beautiful moon hanging in the sky… and the wind is actually not blowing… ahhh…. What a relief…

I did not make it out to work in the Quonset yesterday… I did however paint two small canvases… did not drink enough fluid yesterday… and I can certainly feel it today… aching sore muscles and muscle knots… ouch… rehydrating today. Really rough day yesterday.

Anxiety was off the friggen charts… emotions devastating… emotions suppressed from time past… not dealt with at the time… shut off… now boiling to the surface…. So what triggered it… dealing with the property in Morrill … raunchy process but as I pass through this purging … exhausted as I am… I am still here… and with each step am healing and getting stronger…

Still kind of amazes me just how much that pisses some people off. Kinda saddens me too… but you know what… I am not responsible for their journey… it is one they are going to have to walk themselves… or not… their life their choices…

Easy to say… not so easy to do… stepping back rather than running into the caretaker … enabler… mode. I will still touch base… but I just am not doing this anymore… enough already …

I would much rather they be glad for me… and embrace life and growth and step forward into life along with me… but I cannot make that choice for them… their lives… their choice… and yeah actually I do care… quite a bit in truth… but it is what it is…

I will say this… the level of resentment is a bit surprising… although I guess it should not be… yet it is…. And no I am not talking about my resentment (and yes I am carrying around a rather large ball of resentment and anger perhaps I can dump it in the roll-off dumpster and get rid of it too)…

This person is really pissed … geez… it is tangible even without words… coming through the phone… makes me think of a little kid’s tantrum… adult style… I’m not going where you are going… and I don’t want you to go there either… so I am going to sit here… scream… hold my breath… turn blue… kick my feet… make myself ill… so you cannot go either… so you have to come and take care of me… because I refuse to take care of myself… smells a lot like jealousy and manipulation…

Well… ok then… do what-cha want… but I am not playing this game anymore… there is this little word that is huge in it’s implications … that I am really starting to appreciate… it is a simple little word… little huge word… only two letters in actuality… well two letters in the English language anyway… I am guessing that you already know what it is… but just in case… that little huge word that I am becoming so fond of… is ….. drum roll please…. No …

I have seen it used as a club to beat others down… but it can also be used as a key to set you free… I choose … yes it is a choice… I choose to use it as a key…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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Thursday, January 16, 2014

It is time to lie down the anger





Good morning peeps…

Well this has been an “interesting” night… first I fell asleep in my chair… thought I’d slept for hours… but was only minutes… tried to go to bed… and became “totally AWAKE” … just a strange state of mind… oh… yeah… the spider bite… almost totally gone… thankfully… that mud facemask really works good for drawing out toxins.

We made progress putting stuff in the roll-off dumpster yesterday. What had taken us a couple of days to pile outside we got into the dumpster in just a few hours… it was a good thing… but it was a hard thing too.  Part of what went into that dumpster was the first furniture that David and I bought together… gotta let it go…

Much more to clear out of there today. Gonna take my vitamins, go out and do ranch rounds then head to the Quonset.

I had weight progress photos taken yesterday… starting photos for working with a particular coach… but in progress photos for me.  Frankly I did not want to take them at all… such a simple thing was so hard. It took all the nerve I had to get them done… more friggen triggers… David was the one who took these types of photos for me in the past.  I appreciate having the pics taken… I do… and my friend did not make it awkward… and we got it done.  Another first done… 

Frankly it feels like yet another strip has been freshly ripped out of my heart.  I have so had enough of pain and friggen tears. Drowning in salt water running out of my eyes… I mean seriously… enough already…

Oh yeah… lets have some more stress… I went over to the property in Morrill… what a mess. That did not have to be that way either… then to walk around on there and my horse trailer is stolen… so is my goat trailer … and who knows what else… you know it’s enough that my family that lived there … dysfunctional as we were… are all dead… but to have thieving scavengers digging around in our history/property … stealing is just too bloody much.

What makes people think that it is ok to go on other people’s property and take and take without asking is beyond me.  No honor… no integrity… it is disgusting… it is obscene…

I don’t care how simple a thing it was… it was a betrayal … and theft…

To those that have behaved in this manner…

As you to bring to others In either thought or deed
May you be so blessed In the life you lead
Ten times ten plus one
Whether this is  Blessing Or Cursing be Is completely up to thee!

I choose to forgive… yet you are still responsible for your crap behavior! I am choosing to forgive so I can move on… as for you… you can sit and stew in the nasty stew you created as far as I am concerned… Oh… does that sound angry… well perhaps it sounds angry because I am angry…

I am angry over the creeping thieving inconsiderate behavior that has been all too evident on that place…

I am angry over the falsehoods that were told by those living there and spread on… I am angry over the neglect that ran amok… I am angry over what could have been yet never would have been because those involved flat refused to deal with their issues… I am sorry they never dealt with their issues in this lifetime and remained mired in a constant strife and war zone between themselves and others that loved them…. And love them still.

It is amazing … how different relationships can be… David and I did our best to lift each other up… we had each other’s backs whether we agreed with each other or not… such was the opposite … or seemed to be so between my mom and her 2 brothers… so much conflict… so much pain… carried on from childhood forward… May they be free from all the pain and strife of this life and spend their eternity in peace and joy.

Such a strange mixture of pain… grief… rage… loss… all stirred in with good memories as well… all coming to the surface… sometimes slowly… sometimes in a rush … like a flash flood in hilly country… all part of the healing… growth process…

It is time to lie down the anger… the out and out rage… the pain… make an effort to remember the good things… forgive the negatives… and allow myself to heal and move forward in my own journey….

May you walk in peace… 

Mary E. Robbins

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Coffee.... coffee...where's my coffee....



Good Morning Peeps… There is a full scale bird concert in the tree right outside my front door… love that sound. Bit of an adventure in the middle of the night… or very early morning whichever you want to call it… woke up to the alarm going off on the battery backup for the electronics… the power was off… back on this morning though… probably the wind doing it’s thing…

That wind yesterday… geez… seriously… it was like something out of a cartoon trying to drive my jeep wrangler… soft top… home yesterday afternoon… I was so glad to see rattlesnake hill and know that I was almost home… ugh… slow down and hang on to the steering wheel… and listen to the roar… love my jeep… but she is not fun in the wind… on an up note did not roll her over… hehehe… although she did bite me pretty good. I was getting out … had opened the driver’s side door and had my left leg out and the wind grabbed the door and slammed it on my knee… hurt like a bugger… seriously feeling it this morning… growl… grrrrrr….

Between pain from falling (the wood cart bit) … the wind slamming my leg in the friggen door… alarm waking me up and the dogs freaking out … I did not get much sleep last night and am a grumpy frumpy this morning… gonna take more than one cup of STRONG coffee for me to even approach being somewhat human this morning…

Got the date wrong on an appt… thought it was yesterday… it is this morning… need to go to that appt… and have the roll-off coming this morning… anyone know how to be in 2 places at once… did not want to have to do it… but is looking like I am going to be chasing a friend out of bed to place that dumpster…

Dash back home from appt… try to get some stuff done here… then off again to deal with another issue that has to be dealt with. Frankly I am really tired and would like to just stay home… but alas that is not to be…. Not today anyway… on an up note I have enough wood in the wood ring so I do not need to bring any in today.

Truly what I really need to do is oxycise and Tai cheng… I know that would work the pain out of my legs…. But bugger it… I just do not have time this morning… it will have to wait until I get back. Like the pile of clean clothes on the end of the couch waiting to be folded… argh… you know I’ve tried and tried to train them to fold and put themselves away… but alas… massive failure they just lay there and ignore me… hehehehe…

Later taters… gotta blast…


Mary E. Robbins
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Sunday, January 12, 2014

the wind is calm for now... wish I was



Good morning peeps…

The wind is calm for now… so I am heading out early to see how much I can get done before it picks up again. ..especially since we have high wind warnings for today. Kinda tired this morning… did the breakfast thing… not going to work out until I get back inside. Having some tangy tangerine and some coffee and it is out the door for me… have second load of laundry in the washer… Mow Mow Tat is on the couch beside me… taking advantage of some together time… love to listen to her purr…

I am tired this morning… not only physically tired… but mentally and emotionally tired… and seriously angry…. Topped of with a good dose of disgusted disappointment. Although why I should be … argh… just a crap situation… no different than it has ever been… but disappointing just the same… you see something that could be so great… and it is turned into crap by the very people that could benefit greatly … if only they would be honorable and work together… rather than thieving and back biting… pppphhhhtttttt….. hissss… oh… lets all point fingers at each other… makes one just want to spit… actually that is not what I would like to do… but we just won’t go there… frustration and anger is bloody exhausting… especially when you do not express it…

I see some painting… and perhaps the boxing bag coming up later this fine day… need to work this off…

Ok…gotta go… grabbing Mow Mow Tat’s litter box and dumping it… loading the wood cart… then on to the chickens and ducks and kennels… it’s a race with the weather… perhaps there will be a pleasant surprise and the high winds won’t pick up… hah… not counting on that… grab the watch… trying to stay on task… ah… the washer just finished… tossing in another load… and out the door … later taters…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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Saturday, January 11, 2014

Two Peculiar Words... Faith... Trust...



Good Morning Peeps…

I am sitting here on my couch … coffee on the side table… the mastiffs and Pominators have already been out for their morning run and such… breakfast is finished… 1 egg, bacon, yellow squash, coffee… vitamins taken… and there are a couple of peculiar words on my mind this morning… peculiar words in that I do not place my trust easily… nor do I hold faith easily…

A person I respect called me a woman of faith the other day… truthfully it surprised me as I have not really thought of myself that way. This past year has been a … geez what words describe it… truly none are adequate that I can come up with… but here goes anyway… a lesson perhaps … in learning to live day by day… moment by moment… frankly I could not see my way through it.

But … here I am a bit over a year later. I look back and I see a narrow slippery trail… climbing higher and higher along a steep rocky cliff… waves crashing into the jagged boulders below… throwing up an inviting mist… alternately shrouding and exposing the razor sharp edges glistening wet with spray…

So many slips… cuts… tumbles… bruises… walking… climbing… crawling… clawing… my way along that trail… often to pause and breathe in the mist… as it enshrouded me calling me out into the nothingness …an escape from the pain… before crashing into the devastation below… an ending to this mortal suit… moving on into the realms beyond…

Then there is this call… no … not yet… not your time yet… something left to do… write… paint… savor the morning sun… celebrate the moon in her glory… breathe another moment… live another day… live … beyond exist… live… trust … there is healing through the pain…

I look out and I see… others … so many others… caught in a morass of swirling agony… writhing in pain… and I want to reach out … touch them and say… trust… there is healing through the pain… breathe another moment… live another day… live … beyond exist…

So … I write… I paint… I choose to breathe another moment… I choose to live another day… live … beyond exist… and I hear this call… yes… celebrate the morning sun… savor the moon in her glory… breathe… live… trust… have faith that it is not your time yet… and live… another day…

There is healing through the pain… and life beyond it’s reign… choose … to live another day… beyond exist…


Mary E. Robbins
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 YES YOU CAN!

Friday, January 10, 2014

Yes you can... now just breathe...



Good Morning Peeps... Pominators ran out and back in... breakfast done... had bacon, sautéed yellow squash, and an egg with apple cider vinegar

Gonna have my first cup of coffee... and head to a soak in an Epsom salts bath... ok... yeah.. Just ouch... I am stiff and sore… but working in that Quonset was a major workout… and… we got so much of that cleared out… frankly I am amazed… of course there just had to be an episode… of panic attacks are us… geez… followed up by an overload of anxiety… seriously could have done without that… kinda knocked me sideways for most of the day… went and took some more rescue remedy and some coQ10… because my heart was racing… and headed back out to the Quonset…

Tough time trying to stay on task… kept losing focus… fortunately there was someone here to keep things rolling and on task… I can follow direction ok… well … pretty well when I’ve triggered… or rather in the aftermath of it… but trying to organize and stay on task without direction… is pretty … well… not much would have gotten done… as I tend to walk in a circle and stare at it…

Well I got through it… with help from a friend… a good friend to not freak out when this stuff happens… those of you that deal with this stuff … know what I mean.

At any rate … we got quite a bit done… I am physically sore… emotionally and mentally exhausted… but calm and stronger… and glad to be this far along with it… oh… and yes there is more to do… and yes I am going to keep moving forward with it… and probably have more panic attacks and emotional overloads… and still move on… healing as I go… facing this stuff… sorting through it… purging what is garbage… passing on what others can use … is cathartic…

Oh… that Quonset… is a 30 by 70 ft building that was full from the back to the front doors…

Taking it one step… one moment at a time…

Yes you can… now just breathe…

Mary E. Robbins
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Thursday, January 09, 2014

sore woman walking...er waking...



Good Morning Peeps!

I am happy to say I actually slept last night. I worked in the Quonset… with a friend… cleaning it out… and by the end of the day I was physically exhausted… it was a good tired though… and we made good progress.

Started reading a good book on self sufficiency… not isolationism… self sufficiency in community… big difference. It is actually on loan from a friend… and frankly has some very valid a points.

There are so many basic skills that we have lost… relying on others to take care of in one form or another. This past year has really brought that to light in my life. I thought I had a decent skill set… but geez… when it comes to vehicles… not… electricity… not… ugh… well enough of not knowing what folks are talking about when something needs done on my truck … time to learn. I may never be a master mechanic… but I am determined to have a good basic knowledge… hmmmm… change that… to understanding … of how things work… and how to fix them… changed it to understanding… because it seems to me that knowledge without understanding is nigh unto useless.

My mini rant for the day… lol… hmmmm… well for this morning anyway… hehehe…

Gotta go… I am stiff and sore from yesterday’s efforts and am heading for a bit of a soak in an Epsom salts bath… then out to bring in firewood… and take care of the kennels before my friend gets here and we head back into that Quonset… because you KNOW none of this is happening after being in there working… lol…

Later taters…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Night terrors ... grief...




>Good Morning Peeps…

Wowzers … what a morning… I crashed really early last night… like between 7 and 8 pm… just could not keep my eyes open any longer. I had not rested well for several nights … and yesterday my body was just done. Only to be woken up every couple hours by the dogs howling…

I got all pissed at the dogs for howling… not realizing that I was the reason they were howling in the first place. I did not figure that out until after I’d gotten up and was dealing with wave after wave of crisis level emotion crashing out through my chest… I woke up with my sinuses swelled…. Face swelled… eyes blood red…

No it wasn’t an allergic reaction… I had to have been bawling and howling … moaning … whatever … in my sleep… to the point that it was triggering my dogs to howl… then I would wake up… to their howling… might be a good thing they did wake me up… I don’t know… I do know that … ugh… I could have done without the emotion that pounded the daylights out of me this morning…

Geez… I feel like I’ve been in a championship MMA fight and seriously lost…

Bugger it… I could seriously do without this crap. I am tired and about ¾ pissed off… like that is going to do anyone any bloody good…

All that friggen pain swirling around… anxiety crawling up my arms over my face tingling… with a strong dose of of rage boiling under the surface… gggrrrrooowwwwlllllllll…. Sssnnnaaarrrlllll…. Yeah ok… need to focus this rage and turn it into productive energy… so how to do that… paint… that is a good option… write… workout… oxycise and tai cheng should help to center me … return the phone call I missed last night… one I really did not want to miss… missed because I was crashed out on the bed…

Bugger it… well they will either understand or they won’t… naught I can do about that… Ok… just breathe… should be ok… would have liked to have chatted with this particular person though. Ah well… another time… or not… whatever…

Ok… on with the day… heading to the bath… then oxycise I am thinking and tai cheng… then the phone… and on… need to post some bills… and sort some more papers… and get on cleaning out that Quonset… ugh… there is so much in there it is frankly overwhelming… one bit at a time…

The birds are singing outside… and at the feeder… since I am not howling any more neither are the kennels… arrrgghh… and there is a morning fog… fire is glowing through the glass in the front of the wood stove… think I’ll put some eucalyptus and lavender oil in the water in the teakettle that is sitting on top of the stove… breakfast is long since done… sautéed spaghetti squash, a bit of sausage, and an egg… and coffee… I did take my vitamins today… I’ve missed them a couple of days… probably part of the reason I’ve been swinging so much… headache is easing off… yes been waking up with those
too…

Need to fill the wood ring with firewood again today… thankful there is some to put in there…

I wonder sometimes what was swirling around in Edgar Allen Poe’s head … before those stories came pouring out… or Picasso… a mind on fire… so fragmented… so brilliant… hmmmmmm…. Who knows… perhaps they were totally calm… but I seriously doubt it…

Later taters…

Oh… Yeah… just in case someone was meandering down this particular path… this is not a feel sorry for me thing… seriously… get a grip… it is what it is… that that is not it…

As far as I can tell this is part of a growth process… transition… an evolution… one moment… one breath at a time…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Sunday, January 05, 2014

Grief can hit you like a loaded coal train… when you least expect it…. Wham



Just had a good chat on the phone with my stepson… he is a good man. It was a good conversation… this may sound twisted… but it is so hard for me to talk with him… I managed to make it through the conversation without losing it… can not say as much for now… geeez…. Wham… how can such a good thing… hurt so much… It was not supposed to be this way… well obviously it was supposed to be this way… because it is this way… but it certainly was not what we planned…

I look back at some of the conversations we had the year before David died… and I keep seeing indicators that both of knew something was coming up… but neither of us could acknowledge it… the thought of being separated was just too much for us to bear… and frankly it has been a wickedly difficult transition… it was grow or die time… and for a while… actually quite a while… I did not know which way it was going to go…

Grief can hit you like a loaded coal train… when you least expect it…. Wham

Mary E. Robbins
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choosing freedom... what's it mean




Good Morning Peeps!

And a frosty good morning at that… it is a charming 10 degrees F in my front yard… according to my thermometer… weather.com says 7 degrees… hey I’ll take the 3 degrees warmer… lol… looks like between one and 2 inches of snow…the birds are at the feeder now… thinking I’ll see if I can get some scraps to cook down into suet and mix a bit of grain into it and put it out there for them… may just buy a suet block… I don’t know yet… depends… this week is filling up pretty fast.

Yesterday was a strange day of ups and downs… got most of my workout in… oxycise and tai-cheng… did not make it through hip hop abs… I was totally thrilled that my weight was under 280 lbs…

In between phone calls, work about the place, a meeting, and working out yesterday I watched a movie that a friend recommended that I had not seen in years… there were a couple of lines in there that really struck a chord with me… and no these are probably not exact quotes…

One of the lines was: Live off the land… do your own thing… in your own time…

That actually sounds really good to me… involves a good bit of work… understatement of the year… lol… involves working with each other… a lot of give and take between folks… caring for each other… be a great way to live… actual community…

The other that really jumped out at me was: Talking about freedom and actually being free are two very different things.

Freedom can mean so very many different things… and has infinite variations within each person… it is so much a state of mind… a way of thinking… of being… of living…

Tony Robbins talks about freedom in Personal Power II… he doesn’t call it freedom… but that is what it is… Eckhart Tolle
… another one lighting the way to freedom… Jesus Christ talked about it … and showed the way to freedom… no I do not mean religion… religion and the way Christ lived are two totally different things…

Christ carried a message of love and freedom… and He lived that way…

Religion… no not so much… or rather not at all… from what I have seen “religion” has been used for control… to gain power over others (much like government in many cases) … for condemnation all the while spouting love and truth when in essence it has shown itself to be anything but loving and truthful… so much greed… greed for power… for control… and yes for money as well… in the name of One who is not about said things at all…

Crying out freedom of religion… freedom of religion… when what they actually mean is freedom to believe whatever “we” say whenever “we” say it… or you are free to be condemned and scorned… freedom to follow as slaves to whomever is in leadership positions… from the top echelons to the lower levels… “our” way is the only way… give us your love… give us your will… give us your choice… give us your money… give us your lives… or you are condemned… oh and by the way we love you that is why we condemn you…love us and do what we say or we will take that love away... for without our guidance you are worthless… of no value … to be cast out into oblivion…

Am I saying to lock the doors on all the churches… temples… synagogues… and alters… and walk away… no I am not… I am saying be awake… be aware …

Those that are true… they will appreciate and celebrate with you… those that are not… well… you know what they did to Christ… they are not going to like it… and there can be some really …. Well …. Hmmmmm… just eck… reactions… sometimes from folks you thought were your family and friends… or trusted leaders… (got a really strong eck reaction yesterday from someone who is not pleased with the changes in me … actually from a couple of people… kind of just… wow… some people seem to feed on grief and depression… and when you become stronger… more free… closer to happiness… wowzers… they are not happy campers… well ok then … thanks for showing me who you really are…)

No it is not just religion… religion is in the forefront of my mind because of what is happening to a friend of mine…. I am watching as the light that was burning bright within her is dimmed more and more as she is drawn deeper and deeper into spirit stifling mind numbing bondage… steeped in fear and condemnation… yes I tried to clang warning bells… but she can not hear me at this time… or chooses not to… saddens me to see her choosing this particular path… but it is her choice… and stepping away from things can be frightening… change… freedom… can be truly terrifying….

On the flip side… it can be amazingly exhilarating and fulfilling as well… strange how that works…

This has been a year of transitions… of personal evolution… growth… and some of it… has been excruciatingly painful… and absolutely terrifying…

Through this process… I am becoming aware… stepping towards freedom… sometimes covering my head and hiding for a while… only to peek out and inch forward again… it is a process to be sure…

I have three goals this year … in stepping towards freedom…

1. To be debt free: I realized I have been in debt since I graduated high school and started at university in 1978. Thirty six years I’ve been on this treadmill to feed the greed… enough already…
2. To be excess fat free: No, I do not mean a fat free diet… not! I mean I have stepped away from and am in the process of stepping away from toxic foods. Moving towards non-gmo, organic, whole foods, and in the process the fat is coming off and my body is becoming healthier…
3. To live free: so… what does that mean… to me it means to appreciate each moment… to actually allow myself to live it… allowing myself to be happy… an attitude of gratitude… rather than beating myself up over choices from the past… or fear of the future… to actually live… rather than exist… it also means I am stepping away from consumerism … that rat trap… or rather treadmill to feed the greed… I mean … how much stuff do we actually need… is this “stuff” in actuality a substitute for human connection… human connection that we have in reality sacrificed for stuff… yeah I know… these questions can give you a huge headache… oh… and no, this does not mean I am going to throw all my “stuff” in the trash… come on… really… it does mean I am sorting… choosing… de-cluttering… moving towards a more simplified life…

Now that I’ve written this… actually put it out there… impulse is to go hide in my closet… but I’m not going to do that… I am taking a breath… probably going to grab the rescue remedy… because yes I am freaking a bit… taking another breath… and stepping forward…

Had a bit of a rant on today… hope this makes sense…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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Saturday, January 04, 2014

Breathe... one step at a time... just breathe...



Good Morning Peeps…

Yeah baby… I am officially under 280 lbs… 279.6 lbs…not very far under it… but under it just the same… have lost more than 10% of my total body weight… happy dance… happy dance… happy dance…

Ok…got my celebrate in… now to go get oxycise/tai cheng/hiphop abs done for the day.

Oh… wait… another celebrate… wiggle wiggle dance dance…. Wiggle wiggle dance… yeah I know a scary visual…hehehehe…. I actually did a plank… totally amazed… didn’t do it for very long… as in a miniscule amount of time… but that is more than I could do…

There’s a couple of canvases floating around in my head… not quite ready to start on them yet… getting kinda excited… looking like there is an artist’s studio in my future… but one step at a time…

Cooking up some veggies to go with some chicken I baked… actually stir frying some frozen green beans with garlic, cayenne, and black pepper in a bit of coconut oil… really looking forward to not carrying around this extra fat. Yup…

Busy busy day… ok breathe… do one thing at a time… one bit at a time… no overload… bypass overload… one thing at a time…

You can do this… whew… ok…

Later taters…


Mary E. Robbins
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