Friday, January 17, 2014

little big word




Good Morning Peeps…

Breakfast is done… the fire is flickering in the wood stove… thinking I could use some fresh coffee… and a hot epsom salts soak… Moving kinda slow this morning… have the mastiffs outside… beautiful moon hanging in the sky… and the wind is actually not blowing… ahhh…. What a relief…

I did not make it out to work in the Quonset yesterday… I did however paint two small canvases… did not drink enough fluid yesterday… and I can certainly feel it today… aching sore muscles and muscle knots… ouch… rehydrating today. Really rough day yesterday.

Anxiety was off the friggen charts… emotions devastating… emotions suppressed from time past… not dealt with at the time… shut off… now boiling to the surface…. So what triggered it… dealing with the property in Morrill … raunchy process but as I pass through this purging … exhausted as I am… I am still here… and with each step am healing and getting stronger…

Still kind of amazes me just how much that pisses some people off. Kinda saddens me too… but you know what… I am not responsible for their journey… it is one they are going to have to walk themselves… or not… their life their choices…

Easy to say… not so easy to do… stepping back rather than running into the caretaker … enabler… mode. I will still touch base… but I just am not doing this anymore… enough already …

I would much rather they be glad for me… and embrace life and growth and step forward into life along with me… but I cannot make that choice for them… their lives… their choice… and yeah actually I do care… quite a bit in truth… but it is what it is…

I will say this… the level of resentment is a bit surprising… although I guess it should not be… yet it is…. And no I am not talking about my resentment (and yes I am carrying around a rather large ball of resentment and anger perhaps I can dump it in the roll-off dumpster and get rid of it too)…

This person is really pissed … geez… it is tangible even without words… coming through the phone… makes me think of a little kid’s tantrum… adult style… I’m not going where you are going… and I don’t want you to go there either… so I am going to sit here… scream… hold my breath… turn blue… kick my feet… make myself ill… so you cannot go either… so you have to come and take care of me… because I refuse to take care of myself… smells a lot like jealousy and manipulation…

Well… ok then… do what-cha want… but I am not playing this game anymore… there is this little word that is huge in it’s implications … that I am really starting to appreciate… it is a simple little word… little huge word… only two letters in actuality… well two letters in the English language anyway… I am guessing that you already know what it is… but just in case… that little huge word that I am becoming so fond of… is ….. drum roll please…. No …

I have seen it used as a club to beat others down… but it can also be used as a key to set you free… I choose … yes it is a choice… I choose to use it as a key…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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