recognize the fear

Yesterday I went to a funeral… a friend’s husband had crossed over to the other side… this couple were railroaders… like David and I were railroaders… Lynn is still a railroader… her husband Mark had retired… now he is fully retired to the other side… leaving his wife and family in this life. The service was good… remembering his life… ending in a song that he had chosen… bringing smiles and tears to faces…

I made it through the service… held it together… but started coming apart before the reception… and I ran. Yes I did… I ran away… or rather drove away… headed for home. I used the excuse to myself that Lynn knew I had been there… and that she did not need a bawling rail wife at her husband’s reception…

The truth is… I never went to funerals … or any other social gatherings without David. For over 20 years… it may not seem like it… but I can be really shy in social situations. David was my rock… my shield… my strength…

I parked the jeep… and started walking up the hill to the funeral home… I looked across the street and there was the place David gave me the last bouquet of roses he ever gave me… they were lavender/cream bicolor roses… he surprised me with them after I had walked a 5k. Frankly I about lost it right then and there.

I stopped at a friend’s house on the way home… and this person made a point… frankly it was a point that I was not receptive too… but it got into my head and stayed there. He said man you missed it … you should have gone to the reception… that is when the person’s life is celebrated… we have it wrong in this country… it should be a celebration.

As he was talking about celebrating the lives of those moving on ahead… I was standing there suffocating in fear… with pain ripping through my chest… I ran again… came home… pain still ripping through my chest… silently screaming all the way home. I got into the house… visited with a girlfriend on the phone who is also a widow… she is 6 years into her new life… I managed to stomp the pain and fear down through our conversation… although I did not realize that was what I was doing.

When I got off the phone… wham… pain… panic attack… massive anxiety… grief… mixed with anger at my friend that had called me on my cowardice in running away from the reception. He did not say that directly… but that is what he did in actuality. At the time… I did not realize it was cowardice… I thought I’d been brave and stepped up… and I suppose I did to a point.

I was sitting on the couch trying to stabilize… frankly still dealing with that as anxiety tries to roll over me in waves… as I was sitting there a realization smacked me upside the head… It was not grief that drove me away from the reception… it was fear. The pain ripping through my chest was being amplified and driven by fear. Absolute … paralyzing fear… Fear of snapping back to the place in my life that I was right after David died.

When I realized what I was allowing to eat me alive… when I came to the realization that it was absolute fear… the searing pain ripping through my chest… stopped… the overwhelming anxiety subsided… the panic attack went away… yes I am still sad over my husband being gone… I miss him… and it is ok to allow myself to feel that pain of separation… but it is a choice as to whether or not to allow fear to take my life away.

David’s time in this life is done… we were two that had become one… now that part of me that was him has been ripped away… and I am healing and evolving into the next phase of my life… taking one step at a time… sometimes a very small step… with massive slips and slides… landing solidly on my face… splat…

I am choosing to recognize the fear… in all its varied forms… which frankly seem to be rather extensive… but I have noticed that when I recognize fear for what it is… I am able to step through it… and it dissipates … like smoke in the wind… leaving the other emotions behind… to be felt… to be released… leaving my life to be lived…

Yes I still miss my husband… by our plans he was still supposed to be here… but it seems our plans were superseded… so even though it is rather scary stepping forward without him… it seems that is what I am to do in order to continue actually living…

It is ok to feel the pain… it is only pain… it is ok to feel joy… it is ok to live… one moment… one breath… one step at a time…

Mary E. Robbins
facebook
twitter