Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Enough Already

Head’s up folks, this is an extremely long one. Some of it’s not pretty, it is what came pouring out, and pouring out, and pouring out. Pick and choose, read it, don’t read it, it’s up to you. What is it actually-it’s a bit of life. The good the bad and the ugly.

3:24 a.m. on the first day of October 2008. You guessed it I am not sleeping again. I’ve been working and thinking. Looking back over some recent blog posts. The past couple of months have seriously been like a soap opera. Good grief. The only things missing are sex and murder.

Lots of angst, anger, pain (both physical and emotional), uncontrollable binging, abject grief, sadness, depression, some progress placing dogs, and some harsh realizations, some gorgeous fall nights, and bright brisk mornings along the way as well.

There have been some really wonderful people stepping up to help place the dogs that need socialized. One main rescue has truly been a blessing; coordinating and reviewing the other rescues. I am not placing these dogs directly in client’s homes, because they need to be vetted (spayed/neutered/current vaccinations/etc) and socialized before going to their forever families. The most important thing to me in this situation is that the dogs get wonderful loving lifetime homes.

I received a call from a client of mine last evening looking for a puppy. I apologized and told her that I had put breeding on hold until my kennel was down to size in numbers. I simply will not add more dogs to an already overloaded situation.

On the business side of things, (yes my kennel is a business as well) it’s been an abject nightmare. I have been bleeding dog food to the tune of $1000.00 to $2000.00 a month, and have had to cut the quality of feed as well. At the same time puppy/dog placement ground to a halt because it was taking everything I had physically just to take care of feeding/watering/ bedding them down/ and hauling feed.

This is not how I want my kennel to be operated. It’s important to have good quality feed, grooming, loving attention to each Pomeranian, both puppy and adult; Whether they are to be placed or kept for breeding or show.

I kept asking how am I going to get these dogs placed, how am I going to handle this. Answered prayers came in the form of wonderful volunteers working with rescues. Poms have been going to California, Kansas, Texas, and on. Yes they are afraid, but this will give them the chance to be cuddled, in warm caring situations, and they will adjust from extremely frightened to happy Pomeranian hairballs and go on to their forever homes.

Emotionally it’s been rough all year. I felt so sorry for them; I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to take them but I did it anyway. The poor frightened flea ridden dogs I brought in last fall were terrified to the point of biting and soiling themselves when handled. I did lose one of them in the process of defleaing and deworming them. I was pretty worried that I was going to lose more than that. Some of them were so anemic and weak that they just laid; others were in abject terror. Slowly I watched them come out of their shells. Grow hair, and start playing. Some were in worse condition than others, all were infested with fleas. Not one or two fleas, covered in fleas. I can truly detest those nasty little bugs.

Unfortunately I am very allergic to most flea control products. So it was load up on allergy meds and swell up like a puffer fish and gasp for air like a carp on the riverbank. I managed to get rid of most of the nasty little monsters, and have found a product that I am not as allergic to that really wipes the nasty little critters out. Kills them dead on contact. No at this point I am not selling it, but it works. It smells like cedar, because it is cedar oil based and it works. It works well as a human bug repellant too, without having deet in it. Yes I am allergic to most bug repellants too. Just put cedarcide in the search engines and it will show up.

It’s 4:40 a.m. now and I’ve got to get at least a couple of hours of sleep. The dogs will be rousting me out in an hour or 2.

So much for sleeping. This post is looking a bit like a book. There is still more swirling around in my mind maybe I’ll get some sleep after the kennel is fed and watered in the morning.

Even with the total work overload, I love each and every one of the dogs. I has been rough letting go of them. But I know it is the best thing for them. I am not a hoarder; I can see how it can happen. I cried for a days when I let the first group go.

I was still trying to work with them one at a time for placement and had selected 22 to go to be neutered at a spay/neuter clinic. While they were there I hurt my back/abdominal muscles/ and the muscles around my rib cage so badly that I was partially paralyzed and screaming in pain.

I had been gradually building my strength back up after surgery in September 2005 and thought I was fine to do what I tried. I had unloaded 1200 pounds of feed in 50 pound bags a week before and had just gotten a bit sore. Felt some pulling but nothing major.

August 13th, 2008 I did my major stupidity. I made a little birthday dinner for my cousin Linda. She was here, her mom, and my mom. My mother is in a wheelchair for the most part. She can stand on her own with aid. I was trying to transfer her from a transfer chair to a lift chair and had her put her arms around my neck and hang on. I stood her up, I thought she would be able to hold some of her own weight, something happened and I ended up holding all of her weight; a bit over 200 pounds. All I felt at the time was this kind of a ting or a snapping feeling in my side. Didn’t really hurt then.

The next morning I was ¼ of the way through feeding the dogs and it felt like someone thrust a 10 inch dagger through my side into my abdominal region. By the next morning I couldn’t move my legs back at all. I was partially paralyzed. I couldn’t get out of bed. My husband was not here, he was at work on the train. I fell out of bed and managed to pull myself up the doorframe. Screaming in pain, I couldn’t keep from screaming.

I scared my Mini Tatanka so mad she had an anxiety attack. She is my baby (Pomeranian). My furry heart, she sleeps in her little bed on my night stand by the head of our bed, when she isn’t in the bed with us. Her throat swelled up so bad she was suffocating, I had her on oxygen for 5 hours and the swelling still wasn’t going down. Her little tongue would turn black if I took the oxygen away at all. I was still in awful pain and panicking myself, I know that was making the situation worse. I called a dear friend and she came over and helped me with her. I couldn’t think I was so panicked and so out of it from the pain. My baby nearly died. My friend ground up a Benadryl and gave it to her and within about a ½ hour she was able to breathe without the oxygen again.

I am so thankful she was able to come over; and knew what to do. She lives over 20 miles from me.

I wasn’t able to look after the dogs that I had sent to be neutered, and wasn’t any too sure I would recover the full use of my legs again. So they were the first big group to be relinquished to rescue.

I was terrified to leave Mini and it was already evening so I didn’t make it to the chiropractor. My husband came in just before dark after being gone for 36 hours working on the train (to and from the mines) and fed and watered the dogs. Thank God for his help, there was no way I could do it. He fed and watered the dogs for several weeks, putting extra feed and water buckets in to the dog runs because there was no way I could do it. Not an ideal situation by any means, but they did have feed and water.

I did make it in to the chiropractor. Excellent doctor he is. He told me would see if a series of treatments would work. If we didn’t see improvement soon he said I needed to go to the hospital and get an MRI then discuss it with the doctors to see what course of action we would have to take. Happily there has been progress. Mornings are still difficult, but I can take a step backwards now. I did follow his instructions closely. Alternating ice and heat, I also have a heated massage chair pad that has truly been a blessing. I bought a couple pair of ankle to waist compression pants and have support belts that I use.

A strict restriction to no sitting at my desk, no lifting, no dragging water hoses, no twisting, no bending. Happily I am lifting moderately now, walking, dragging the 100 foot water hose. Although if I try it without the compression pants and belt it feels like my guts are going to fall out. I can contract my abdominal muscles again. I couldn’t do that for a couple of weeks.

This was a serious reality check about the dogs. It was simply too much, I had to have help placing the dogs. I had ordered 500 bales of straw for winter bedding, now there was physically no way I could haul and stack it. I had been scheduled to bug bomb my mother’s house and spray the acreage around her house. I couldn’t lift the tubs and boxes she had her household foodstuffs in, to carry them outside away from the bug bomb. She was going to be staying with us for the duration. I couldn’t get there to pick her up or load her clothes in the car, or lift the portable ramp to bring a smaller power wheelchair over here to use inside the house. Not to mention move things out of my office so she could have some personal space.

If she was here she would have to act independently, not sit in a push transport chair and expect to be moved everywhere. She would have to use a power chair on the ramp coming in and out of my house, as well as in my house. Put it in low speed and take it down/or up the ramp. The ramp isn’t any steeper than the surrounding terrain on this property. Transfer herself from one chair to another without my help, like she does in her own home. Open and close gates for herself. For some reason she doesn’t act independently when she is with me. I don’t know why, she just doesn’t. If she had I wouldn’t have been injured in August.

Do I blame her for my getting hurt in August? I don’t know. I should have said no, but I wanted to help so I tried to. She is my mother, I wanted to help her. Why does she shut down around me and do the dependent thing. I don’t know.

Same reason I took those poor dogs last fall. Yes I did it to help the dogs. But would I have done it they weren’t hers? No I wouldn’t have, because I was still struggling from 5 years of illness and recovery. Things were getting better and I was getting back on my feet, but taking in those dogs knocked me flat.

I refused to take them unless she agreed that they were to be spayed/neutered and placed. I repeated this over and over to her. She said she didn’t want to do that. I told her that was the only way I would take them. She said to take them.

Volunteers from a church group did most of the building on the dog pens. We bought wire and attached it to my cattle panels. The pens went up on top of my little fruit trees. I sprayed the pens before the dogs got here to kill fleas that would jump off them. Then a volunteer and I flea dipped the dogs, transported them to here, then sprayed them again; and put them in their pens. Did it again the next weekend. Two weeks later I went through all of them again with flea spray and deworming.

Then started winterizing the pens. Straw in the dog runs and houses, tin over part of the tops and fronts of the pens.

All this time I thought I was doing the right thing. Helping, she put in for some of the wire and tin. Covered about 2 months worth of feed for her dogs. I did the rest, I didn’t mind doing it. She is on a limited income. I just can’t keep it up forever, there were over 50 here, plus the 12 she had at her place. 4 more of those came over to be cleaned up, so there are 8 there now. Plus the neighborhood of loose cats.

There were dog houses broken down scrubbed and moved over here for some of the dogs. Plus she bought a couple, I provided the rest. Bought the water buckets, the defleaing product, deworming product, dog food, and on and on.

A year goes by and it’s the same mess over there that was when the dogs were removed. Suddenly when I start to place the dogs, she is screaming hysterically she wants the dogs back. I reminded her of our agreement, which of course she denies ever making. She knows she made the agreement. I repeated it over and over and over. The dogs have been here for a year.

Like I needed another 50 plus dogs, give me a break! Enough. I know its damn tough letting someone else have the final say over where dogs go to live. Enough of the, I’m going to die hysterics, Enough of the “If you do this I will never speak to you again crap. It’s time to think of the dogs’ care, stop attacking me, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and start taking responsibility for your bloody actions-or lack thereof.

If she wanted to be with them she could have been here as much as she wanted. There is a 4 wheel drive wheel chair that handles the grades here just fine sitting in my quonset. If I am too exhausted to come running after you and bring you. Get on the phone and find someone else to do it. Keep on the phone till you find someone.

Would have been nice to have someone here when I came in from taking care of the dogs, or even out in the yards with the dogs and I. Would have been really nice to have someone here when my back was spasming and pulling me over backwards after working out with the dogs in the ice and snow for hours on end. Would have been nice to have coffee together. Would have been nice to just be together and possibly getting to know each other as people, while there is still a chance to do that.

Would have, could have, it didn’t happen. So that’s that. Just the way it is.

I will give her this. Mom said she wanted to make the selections as to who was going out first. I said ok, so she came over tried to figure out which dog was which and selected 15 dogs to go. We had a group going out a few days after that so I included 14 of the 15 she selected in the group that went out. When she discovered that I followed through with placing them she came unglued. Screaming in the phone. Bring the rest of those dogs back over here, saying she would take care of them. Of course the yards haven’t been sprayed for fleas over there since the dogs left in the first place.

I asked her if she had someone to take care of them and set their houses and pens up. She screamed in to the phone, you took the houses over there aren’t you going to set them back up in the pens. I said no I am not.

I couldn’t physically do it now even if I wanted to. Not possible. I asked her who was going to haul the feed for her, buy the feed for her, and feed the dogs, I am sorry it’s not going to be me. It’s just too much physically, and it’s gotten to be too much emotionally.

It’s too much for her to handle as well. I was hoping that she had someone to take care of them for her. He lasted less than a week; he didn’t even make it through cleaning the dog pens and yards out. It’s difficult to find people to work at any rate.

For both her sake and the dogs’ sake they need to be placed in other homes. As traumatic as that may be for her.

She says that if I place the dogs she will never speak to me again. I’ve been wading back in to the emotional barrage over and over again for years. Childhood on till now. I kept hoping that we could actually have a healthy relationship; maybe not doing the right things. I don’t know, but I was trying. Crisis after crisis, some real I think, some not; all emotionally draining.

I would still like to have a healthy relationship with my mom. That is true. But, and it’s a huge but, I am drained. I am emotionally and physically exhausted from the barrage. Absolute refusal to take responsibility for herself, blaming others for the predicaments she gets’s herself into.

Since I am her daughter, the responsibility for her unhappiness seems to come my way. I am sorry I am not carrying that load any more. Your unhappiness, your thing, you deal with it yourself-or not. Whatever you decide to do.

I am sorry I am not accepting that package any more= return to sender.

If she decides she wants to talk to me and calls. Will I accept the call? Yes I will. Am I going to run after her? Nope, not at this time. Down the road I may call her. Right now I feel like I’ve been through a series of emotional hurricanes, level 5 hurricanes. Windblown, battered, bruised, and broken. Now the winds have died down a bit and the water has receded and I am leaning but still standing. My reserves washed away in the latest torrent. Kind of looking around like New Orleans after Katrina thinking; wow it’s not flooding emotional crap everywhere.

It’s actually kind of quiet. I look at the phone and, I remember where I’ve seen this before. Mom and Gene did this scream threaten cuss each other, then Gene would go buy her a gift or some thing. Over and over, round and round they went. Verbally clawing each other to pieces over and over and over….year after year, until he died. Then it was scream and bawl because he died.

Personally I hope he is in peace where he is. He didn’t have much of that in this lifetime, but then who knows, maybe he didn’t want it. Don’t know, couldn’t say.

As for me, peace in my heart, mind, and soul is more valuable to me than oxygen.

Yes there is more.

My Aunt Marty decided to help out Linda and her mother, by replacing their septic tank. Quite generous I think.

Things weren’t going along too well so she asked me if I would step in and handle it. Find the appropriate contractor and deal with them. I respect Aunt Marty so I gave her my word that I would. This was about 2 weeks after my latest mess with my back, so I was not fully functional but could certainly handle a phone.

Relatively simple request all in all. Or so you would think. Finding a reliable professional contractor was not an issue. There was a bit to be subcontracted, the first gentleman that was sent up there flat refused to work there, yes he gave details, no I am not listing them. So another person was found. This other person was Dave S.

Then it started. The wheedle.

L- Give me the money for him and I will pay him.
Me-Why on earth would you want to do that when he is subcontracted? No, he is part of the job. What was the bid he gave you?
L-Well there were 2 one high and one low.
M-is he giving them to the contractor to review?
L-No, give me the money and I’ll pay him.
M-What were the bids?
L-one high and one low.
M-Yes I understand that, how much were they and what did they entail.
L-One high and one low, give me the money and I’ll pay him.
M-no, he gets paid from the contractor.
End of conversation.

The bid was sent off from the general contractor and things moved on.

Petty annoying feedback to my mother from Linda: Mary is being insulting on the voice mail. She is leaving her Name and phone number when she leaves a message. I know her phone number.

This came back when I asked my mom if she had spoken to linda, I was wondering if her phone was not working or if something had happened to her.

I was trying to confirm the contractor’s appointment and make sure that she was in agreement in regards to the work to be done, since it is hers and her mother’s property.

So I left her a message and did not include my phone number. However I did the unthinkable and used her name, Linda, instead of calling her Cuz. Once again she refuses to return my calls.

I received the funding for the work, on Friday afternoon. I did not make it into town to the bank that afternoon. Was planning on going Saturday morning.

Here comes the second wheedle.
Saturday morning, visiting with my mom. This was before she decided that I wasn’t worth talking to. Here it comes, out of my mother’s mouth. Mom- Linda asked me to ask you if you would give her the money for Dave instead of giving it to the contractor. She needs to go buy parts with it.

Me- No the money goes to the contractor.

Voice Rising-Mom-Linda needs it for parts. Her puppies died and she needs it for parts.

Me-no I will not, the money goes to the contractor. Dave doesn’t get paid until his part of the job is done. He will be paid by the contractor.

Voice half crying/half screaming- mom-she needs it, I am going to give her 1000.oo and you can just pay me.

Me- if you do that it’s up to you, but I will not cover it in any form. Absolutely not. Frankly it is totally unacceptable that she asked you to get into the middle of this in the first place.

Voice raging-mom-she didn’t ask me. You can pay me what I give her.

Me-No I will not do that. Seriously if she is that short of money she needs to work, or pawn something. I am not doing this, and I think it is outrageous for her to pull you into this.

Very annoyed voice-me-furthermore if you have funds to do that you need to take care of the floor in your dog room. Or fix the lights and heater/air conditioner fan on your van so it is safe to drive.

Voice Pissed off-Mom-GOOD-BY slammed down the phone
The previous conversation took place on Saturday September 20th.

I left several more messages for linda, asking her to give me a call to let me know how things were progressing so I could tell Aunt Marty. No calls were returned.

Sunday and Monday I was even busier getting 31 dogs ready to go out.

Between prepping the dogs and kennel care I was an exhausted person on Tuesday. Tuesday evening I called mom to check in on her and hopefully to visit. She asked me what I had been doing and like a fool I told her.

I am not much on lying or having to hide my life. The sneak around and lie bit just is not me. Frankly it is just not worth the effort to try to keep the stories straight. I have no time nor patience for it.

I was pretty happy to see the dog numbers going down, especially since I knew they were going to be worked with and each and every home would be screened before they were allowed to adopt a dog. I was thinking of wonderful Pomeranians in nice warm homes getting hugs and attention. I was relieved and happy thinking that mom was finally on board since she had actually made some selections to go out of the dogs that had origionally been at her place. And had even gone so far as to say she was going to have to make some more selections/cuts as well. I was relieved that she was actually stepping up to the plate and making some of the hard decisions rather than dumping them on me to make- then screaming at me about the choices I had to make. I was blissfully ignorant of what was coming; I shouldn’t have been, but I was. Mom caught me totally off guard.

Oh My God!

It went from conversation to absolute keening howling scream. Mom-You can just bring the rest of those dogs back over here!

Mary-How are you going to take care of them?

Yelling-Mom-I’ll put them in the dog room.

Mary- Is it cleaned out? Have you been able to get the floor fixed?

Yelling-Mom-No it’s not.

Mary-then how are you going to have the dogs in there? How are you going to get in there with your power chair?

Yelling-Mom- D.S. is going to fix it.

Mary- Oh he is? Good, when is it going to be done? Why didn’t you tell me before?

Yelling-Mom-I didn’t think it was any of your business.

Mary-When is it going to be finished?

Yelling-Mom –bring those dogs over here.

Mary- If I were to bring these dogs over there, and you were inspected they would end up in the pound; and odds are many of them would be put down.

Yell merges into a scream-Mom- Only if you or your friends turn me in.

Mary-Not necessarily.

Mom-They can be out in the pens.

Mary-Don’t you want them in warm homes?

Mom-Your dogs are out in pens.

Mary-That’s right they are in pens with outside dog houses, that’s one of the main reason’s I am accepting the help to get these dogs out into individual lifetime homes. To get the numbers down so I can have them all come inside to sleep when the weather turns bad.

Sounds like at the top of her lungs –Mom- if you do this I will never speak to you again.

Exhausted and sad: Mary-That’s up to you. On another subject. I need updated on what is going on up at Linda’s. I have been trying to reach her for several days and she is not picking up or returning calls. Have you been in contact?

Pissed off voice-Mom- no

Mary-if you talk to her let her know. That if she doesn’t get in contact with me before the funds clear the bank I am going to write out a check and send it back to Aunt M. explaining that I am sorry, but it is impossible for me to verify that the work is being done.

Pissed off voice-Mom- I haven’t talked to her

Annoyed-Mary- Ok, if you do let her know please. I am not going to run after her any more. Frankly she was out of line trying to get the money from you.

Pissy voice-Mom – she didn’t ask and she turned it down, said she couldn’t repay me.

Mary- Oh, really.

Mom-I haven’t talked to her, good by. Click

Less than 15 minutes after the end of this phone call the sub contractor called me and filled me in on what had been done; which wasn’t much. He told me why, and I fully understand. Work should be going forward now. I will be checking in with the subcontractor and the contractor to see how things are going.

I would like to be able to verify it with Linda, as that is simply good business practice. However that does not look like it is going to be a practical possibility.

After I talked with the subcontractor I called Linda one last time. Between 9:53 pm which is when the subcontractor called me. And 10:11 p.m. when Linda called me back.

The reason she gave me for not returning my calls is She new I was mad at her because I used her name, Linda instead of calling her Cuz.

Give me a bloody break! First it’s an insult to leave a return phone number. Then I’m mad because I use her flipping name. I used her name because it was a business call. Not a chit chat mess around call. It was about getting work done before the snow flies. Work that could have already been done had she gotten off her ass to start with. When mom was trying to handle this. A month or more before I was asked.

Am I mad? No, I was annoyed that she tried to wheedle and lie rather than being straightforward to start with. I was angry that she created and involved my mom in another stressful situation, trying to wheedle money once again. Either out of my mother or me.

I am disgusted that she, as in Linda my cousin. Went whining to my mother trying to stir up more trouble when mom is already stressed to the max over these dogs. Whining over a blog post. Trying to drag her two aunts into a nonsensical melee. One woman, my mother, in her 80’s and another in her 90’s. Totally Unacceptable!

There is a comment section on the blogs. If you’re not happy about something written on a blog. Or have an opinion one way or another there it is. Write it out. Own your own sniveling crap.

But then that isn’t what it was about. Seems to me that It was about spite; because I didn’t hand the funds over to her, rather than paying the contractor. If previous behavior over the years is any indicator.

Unfortunately that nonsense is nothing new. It’s a reoccurring behavior from childhood on up. Am I going into a detailed list? No I am not. That is not a purge that I am prepared to get into. Frankly it just isn’t worth it.

I am sorry that her life hasn’t turned out the way she wanted it. I am sorry she is short of funds.

We were having a conversation the other day. I believe it was the day I was trying to get a straight answer out of her regarding the subcontractor’s bid.

She turned a comment into a question and I answered it.

Linda said “You get anything you want don’t you?” We had been talking about money-the contractors and septic.

And I answered her. Yes I suppose I do.

I should have added more to that answer. Yes I suppose.

I get whatever I work for, within reason; and so can you. Work for it, and keep at it until you get it.

Right Now I want to get these dogs into warm loving lifetime homes. That is what I am working for right now.

I was asked the other day. Can she work? Yes she can. Maybe not heavy duty physical stuff. But she could do much more physically if she would work out a bit each day to stretch and condition her muscles.

If I can come back from having my abdominals shredded she can come back from years of years of inactivity. Yes there will be pain.

Christopher Reeves is a major inspiration to me. I have so much respect for that man.

Mindset is one of the major things. If you believe you can, you are right. If you believe you can’t, you are right. You are what you decide to be. Instead of asking why is this happening to me? Why did that happen? Ask how can I make this happen. How do I do this? How do I make that happen?

Take a look at the story of the talents in the bible. It’s a use it or lose it story.

Have there been opportunities for her. Yes there have. I offered her a $4000.00 system at no cost. Offered her the opportunity for some of the best training on the web. By the time she worked her way through that training she would have been prepared to take on any business she chose. With the skills to be successful at it if she so chose. Not Interested.

3 other times I offered her work. One was straight commission for working on line. No public contact what so ever. Not interested.

Twice within the last year I offered her work here. I didn’t give her any details other than saying her mom could come too and watch TV; and/or visit with my mom. As I erroneously thought mom would be here too.
Linda didn’t even ask me what the work was. It was filing, putting puppy books together, and socializing dogs. Playing with dogs. Putting them on leads walking around the enclosures.

Ok, so she doesn’t want to work with me or for me. Got it. But offering work is the only handout she is going to get from me.

Don’t whine to me that you are broke then turn down work. Then hit my mother up for money and supplies.

Am I projecting myself as this great wonderful person? No I am not. I am that I am. Human. One thing I am not is lazy. Whoever or whatever you are; own it. Eventually it will all come out one way or the other anyway.

Don’t believe me, ask Bill Clinton. You will eventually show up as, guess who; you! Like yourself or not, carry your own baggage.

If you want to be able to pay your own bills. And are willing to work, and have internet access. Which we all have, even if we have to go to a library to get it. I can point you in the direction to get things going for very little money or for a more substantial investment. Depending on where your finances are and where your head is. If you are willing to work and are trainable there is money to be made.

If you have no money and refuse to work, then do not whine to me about it.

I was asked if I would print a retraction. No I won’t; I didn’t lie. Are you embarrassed that my perception of your sh*itty behavior was written in my blogs. Alter your sh*itty behavior; that would be one idea.

Here’s another thought, grow a pair and post to the comment section. Don’t go running to my 81 year old mother whining and blubbering. If my mother wants’ to know what’s in my blogs she is more than welcome to read them. Yes she has access if she wants it. I have a computer, so does her neighbor, so does the library. Enough bullsh*it already.

News flash honey 99.9 % of the people that read my posts don’t know who you are; and the other .1% really do not care.

Here is a thought (could be perceived as sh*itty on my part) Get of your lazy ass and go to work! Don’t bother using your mother as an excuse; everything was set in motion for you to receive funding as a care provider working for the state taking care of her. You wouldn’t even file the paperwork and show up for a training meeting.

Yes I know you didn’t, I followed up on it since I had taken my time and efforts once again trying to help you. Money trail isn’t a reason; you would have been “working” for the state not on the dole. Doesn’t matter how much money you weren’t or were making.

It amazes me and frustrates me beyond words when people refuse to do anything to help them selves.

I don’t care who it is. Laziness is a disgusting trait. So are unending whines and excuses.

I used to have this wonderful Sunday School Teacher. Great Guy. I was a total sh*it at the time. In junior high school and a total pill. One thing he said stuck in my head for life: An Excuse is the skin of the truth Stuffed with a Lie.

Every time I hear one, or start to make one, that phrase runs through my mind.

Ok that was my monster sized very long, purge, vent, and rant, and so on.

Does not mean that I won’t have contact with the person’s in question. However do leave the passive/aggressive childish crap out of the equation please.
Enough already.

Like it, don’t like it. There it is.

I wrote from 3:24 a.m. to 1:25 p.m.

Life is a journey, sometimes there are briars growing on the trail.
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch

P.S. One last thing:
As you to bring to others
In either thought or deed
May you be so blessed
In the life you lead

Ten times ten plus one

Whether this is Blessing
Or Cursing be
Is completely up to thee

September 26th, 2008 Another Sleepless Night

Another sleepless night. I am truly exhausted. I am however heading out the door to feed and water dogs.

This mess with my mother has been on my mind to the point of robbing me of sleep.

Frankly the whole mess just isn’t worth it. I never heard a thank you for cleaning those dogs up. Definitely no thank you for finding them homes. Oh no I’m the evil bit*ch for doing that.

I don’t know what is true and what isn’t in this regard. Not the evil bit*ch bit, she has made that quite clear. What isn’t clear is just how much she is capable of handling. Every time she has been here she does the totally helpless bit. When I talk to her on the phone she makes out like she has forgotten to eat, or has been staring at the wall all day.

If she is helpless, and incapable of functioning just how is she going to take care of 50 plus dogs. Now that some of them have been placed it’s still around 40 more or less. (Including the 8 she already has over there) Most of which are intact males and females. I looked at her dog runs. They need to be repaired. The fences are breaking down big time. I don’t believe the dogs will stay in them. Some might but not all of them. So no doubt the number of dogs will be increasing.

She either doesn’t give a sh*it or doesn’t understand that I will not be able to help take care of those dogs any more. I am lightening my load so I can manage it. She doesn’t seem to get it that it has been taking everything out of me just to get these dogs fed watered and strawed down. It’s too much. Transferring them to her house just makes more work for everyone. Not to mention a miserable cold flea ridden life for the dogs.

I’ve lost count of the times I was supposed to go and pick her up and couldn’t make it because I was completely wiped out. She either doesn’t get that or doesn’t care. Sadly I am to the point that I can’t tell which.

Life is a journey, sad day in Wyoming
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch

September 25th 2008, Later in the Day

Managed to accomplish a bit today. Sprayed the mid-yard central and all the dog runs in it, and the upper-yard and dog runs, as well as the east yard. I didn’t finish spraying the two lower yards. I did do about 1/3 of the lower yards. I don’t think the spray is going to go as far as I thought it would; or as far as the guy from the store thought it would. I think that is because I have some weedy overgrowth I need to mow down. Bloody mower is on the fritz again. I am going to call the repair guy tomorrow and see if he can take care of it. I need to go pick up fuel for the mowers as well.

Tomorrow I would like to spray all the dogs. The cedar-cide smells like a cedar closet while I am spraying it. Didn’t seem to have too much effect on the red ants. He said it might not.

I ordered some kennel supplies this afternoon. A drug book and some antibiotics and de-wormers. Good things to keep on hand.

Life is a journey, with varied scenery
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch

'Daily Affirmation' Video