Sunday, March 17, 2013

hard hard day... vicious winds

hard sad day today... the wind is blowing so hard that it is a vicious dirt storm... makes it hard to breathe even inside. The question keeps running through my mind... what did I do so wrong that my husband was taken from me... intellectually i know that doesn't make sense... but it still feels that way... my heart is broken into a million pieces... can't stop crying...friggen storm is roaring...

Mary E. Robbins

Saint Patricks Day...2013

Yesterday morning I woke up 2 more pounds heavier... so I swelled up around 5 pounds... today 1.8 pounds of that has come back off... so that is a positive note.

Felt almost human on an emotional and mental level yesterday… fell asleep on the couch and dreamed… I was in the bathroom of our family home (my mom’s house…the one that burned down) I looked in the mirror and it was so many years ago… because I was a very young woman looking back out at me… My eyes were still the dark brown rather than having faded with age… my hair was a rich auburn with shades of gold that came naturally to me then… rather than the silver and just dark it is now… my hair color faded when I had west nile virus.

I think mom was saying something to me from the other room… but I don’t know what. I remember saying or thinking… not sure which… I have one more thing to do then I am out of here…

I wasn’t sad … mad… fearful… in pain… or heavy… there did not seem to be any friction between my mom and I either… like there had been so many times in this life…

I miss my Mom… she died September 6th 2012…I don’t wish her back in that body in pain all the time… I don’t know why there are so many misunderstandings in this life… people give each other so much pain… inadvertently as well as deliberately.

Today I woke up in fear and panic… emotional pain spiraling … I don’t know why… but writing it out seems to help to calm that panic rush in my chest….

Have the mastiffs outside… one set of the Pominators have been run out and back in… the other set of house Pominators are outside barking to come back in…

Peanut (very small cream party pom) has an abscess on the side of his face… giving him Echinacea and aloe vera in cottage cheese… he looks better today than yesterday… think I’ll mix a bit of raw honey in with the cottage cheese.

One of the girls time came … Tulip (orange party pom) is no longer an older dog…she is free running about the rainbow bridge. She was one of the gentlest souls I have ever met. Such a sense of peace and love around her. I miss her presence. Her house mate… Snickers does not have much time left in this life… she is a loving chocolate girl…

No I am not being cruel… letting them cross over when their time comes… trying to force them to stay when it is time for them to go is cruel… It is difficult though… I don’t think I will ever forget the night Yoda (wolf malamute) crossed over… and it was a number of years ago. I can still see his laughing eyes… and hear his howl… he was only with us 3 or 4 years… he came in as an aged fellow.

His human did not throw him away… from what I understand he ended up in jail over something and some “friends” were supposed to take care of Yoda… and they dumped him off to be destroyed… I heard when the guy got out of jail he tried to find out where Yoda was… they wouldn’t tell him… nor would they tell me how to contact him so I could let him know Yoda was living here… Well Yoda is free of that aging body… his time with us was a gift to us… such a beautiful soul…

Gonna go bring the Pominators in and give them breakfast…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Friday, March 15, 2013

I am up an awake. Last night I had a pretty decent night. Just calm… was a relief. Well was a relief until a nightmare then forget it. In the dream there was this beautiful orange long haired cat. It was lying on the laundry. I was washing and drying clothes. I put clothes in the washer… then the dryer… and someone was asking me where that cat was. I didn’t know… then I got this awful feeling and ran to the dryer and started pulling clothes out… that once beautiful cat was now broken and almost dead. I hadn’t meant to hurt it… I was just doing the laundry… I would never deliberately hurt anything or anyone like that… it’s leg was broken… it and it was really beat up… lying limp in my arms… then I woke up…

I don’t really know the significance of the dream… even if there actually is one… I just know that it affected me. It seems so many times we are just doing what needs to be done… or what we think needs to be done and inadvertently hurt those around us … either physically or emotionally … my mom and I hurt each other so many times over the years… neither one of us intending to… Mom is at peace on the other side now… I love her and always will…

Ok calming down now… guess that was what needed to be written…

May you walk in peace… one day at a time…

Mary E. Robbins
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Thursday, March 14, 2013

good morning... I think

Good morning... I am up... and had some cereal and coffee for breakfast. Meeting with grief counselor yesterday... today it is meetings with case manager ... frankly I'd like to just crawl in a hole and sleep until it's time for me to cross over and join David... but then that would not get the animals here taken care of.

Looks like the 2 hollyhocks I planted last year made it through the winter... there are daffodils... or rather jonquils as David always called them are coming up... along with some tulips... maybe there will be some flowers...

Actually the way David said jonquils... was Johnny Quills ... just one of those cute little quirks... I miss him so much...

The birds are singing outside today...

Mary E. Robbins
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Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Mornings have become the hardest

Mornings have become the hardest... overwhelming sadness and grief... I talked to someone I thought was a friend... perhaps they were trying to be... I don't know... but I have been having nightmares ever since I spoke with her. Decisions have been next to impossible to make since David's death... it's like I am frozen in place... afraid doubting every choice... decision I have ever made...

I see my therapist and a case manager today... somehow I must make myself get in my jeep and drive to their offices... i am so afraid... I had dreams and goals before David died... I was actually functioning on a somewhat consistent level... all that changed in the split second it took for his time in this life to be over... I could not resuscitate his body... I tried and tried until the ambulances got here...  it seems when a person's time is up ... there is no getting them back into that body... why is he gone and i am still here... stuck in place... non functional ... doubting every choice... filled with pain and desolation...

I am still here and do not have the release to go... I have felt that release before when my body was dying from a bowel blockage... staying in this life without him is not my preferred choice... neither is leaving without having that release... so now what?????

I do not have the answer to that just yet... perhaps I don't have to have the answer to that... perhaps it is just moment by moment.  Maybe that is ok... it's going to have to be ok... because that is all I can do at this point... truthfully I think that is all I could ever do... just moment by moment... no matter how many plans and goals were made... it still boils down to moment by moment...

This moment I choose to appreciate the sunshine... even though it is 23 degrees F outside.

This moment I choose to go and get on my stationary bike and ride for a bit.

I am still here... breathing... yes I am still afraid... yes I am still grieving... yes there is a huge black cloud of depression surrounding me... and so much doubt...

But... I can still choose... it's ok if it's not a perfect choice... now to the bicycle...

Mary E. Robbins
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Monday, March 04, 2013

Just Breathe

Rough weekend. Frankly the roughest in a very long time. Wave after wave of pain… both emotional and physical… crisis level after crisis level. Panic attacks, anxiety… anger… unable to speak or read… confusion… wailing… stuck in place staring into space… it’s time to get help… probably way past time truth be told… It seems it is beyond me to stabilize this on my own…this time around.

I am exhausted… perhaps a little wiser… perhaps not… at any rate I am still here. 

With a bit more understanding of what my Uncle Gene went through. 

Searing pain in my left knee is what woke me up this morning.  Legs are not wanting to work well today. Genetic crap… I remember my mother trying to make her legs work… and grandma as well. 

As much as I wanted to have children… perhaps it is better that I was unable to. At least they will not have to deal with this genetic heritage.

It is amazing to me how life and/or our states in it can change so very rapidly. Years of work and focus… to actually be able to have relative peace in my mind… shattered … gone… in an instant…

Swirling chaos once again….with no safe place to hide…and rest… Years ago … over 30 years ago now… the library in Morrill Nebraska used to be my safe place.  Mrs. Cline was the librarian   with her bright red hair and kind soul.  She always kept an eye out for me because I was a little red haired girl… like her red haired kids. Light skin and red hair.  No matter how chaotic things got at home or around me… it was calm and safe there.  I realize now it was not the only the library… it was Mrs. Cline’s presence. I would go and look for my favorite books and actually fall asleep in the stacks. 

One moment at a time…

Mary E. Robbins
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Saturday, March 02, 2013

Beautiful sunrise this morning

Beautiful sunrise this morning. Love it that it was between 35 and 40 degrees F in my front yard as the sun was rising. …and it is calm… no wind yet… note the yet.

Panic attacks still running rampant. The rescue remedy helps… doesn’t stop them… but helps me to manage better…thankful that I can use it… and extremely thankful for the wonderful friends that told me about it.

A friend is helping with the railroad paperwork. I still can not read it. Panic sets in rapidly and the words that I should be able to comprehend turn into garbled incomprehensible ink marks on paper. I am hoping we will have this stuff taken care of in a positive manner soon.

I kept going back and forth from being able to speak to not being able to form words yesterday… no it’s not low blood sugar… it seems to be tied into residual effect from west nile and triggered by the panic attacks. It doesn’t happen very often when I am not having panic attacks but it does happen at times. It never happened before the west nile.

Went to a doctor yesterday to discuss things. I tried going to the doctor… or rather I did go to the doctor without wearing compression pants…and I saw my mom’s struggles much more closely… I could not lift my left leg by itself to get into the car. I had to take a hold on my pants and pick it up. I remember watching my mom use her pants, or a rope… or a strap… to pick her legs up to get into a car for years. Carrie drove me to the doctor. By the time we got there my ankles had nearly doubled in size. I took the cane David made me with me or I would not have been able to make it into the doctor’s office.

I remember my grandma trying to walk. She always used a walking stick or crutches to get around. Her legs would swell so huge and she had running ulcers around her calves and shins… Mom’s legs swelled the same way… she wore job hose but walking became next to impossible… and in the 30 years of her life she was in a wheelchair.

I had hoped that I would not have this genetic mess as severely as they did… so far no ulcers… and I will continue to use the compression pants… and elevate my legs when I do not have them on. Nothing else to do other than take it one day at a time… and keep moving…. I will keep moving as long as I am able to do so.

I so wish I could sit down with my mom and grandma and have coffee and visit. Grandma grew beautiful flowers. Hollyhocks… when ever I see hollyhocks I see her. Mom used to have beautiful vegetable gardens. I never understood what it took for them to walk or to get things done… well I am starting to now. There is so much pain in those legs. It’s like a heated up piece of wire is being jabbed in and twisted through them… then you try to take a step and they just do not hold.

It is much worse without the compression pants…. Grandma never had anything like that to wear. I miss them so much. I look back now and realize how wrong I was about so many things… I am looking forward to seeing them again when I cross over. I know they loved me… still do… and I love them as well. But for now … It seems I am not yet finished here… so I give thanks for this day… and am learning to trust God to give me the love, strength, and guidance to walk through it…

Life is a journey... 
One moment one breath at a time…
Mary E. Robbins 
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