A realization… of benefit… maybe yes…maybe no…

“I’ve come to understand that contained within each moment is the decision we have, as divine beings with free will, to either live in love or fall into the trappings of fear.” ~Carol J. Obley


Yesterday morning I was asking how do I stop the anxiety… panic attacks… outright fear… that I wake up with or slide rapidly into each morning…the icy night sweats of night terrors… and so on… This question stuck with me throughout the day…rattling around in the back of my mind.

Especially as I was running head long into a brick wall… so to speak… trying to help another that is mired in depression, anxiety, grief, fear, agoraphobia, panic attacks… she had gone into hiding with her speech geared down to one word monosyllabic words… after several days of unsuccessfully trying to reach her she finally answered up her phone. (On a positive note she called me later in the evening.)

I tend to be a “fix it girl” if something is askew … or something needs to change… what can we do to make that happen. (I am better at it for other folks than I am for myself) I had come up with some possible options for a situation that is looming over her… all of which were rapidly shot down… then my next impulse is to just take care of it for her… however at this point in time I am not in a position to do so…so that is not going to happen. Then I thought wait a minute… what are you doing? This is her life… these are her choices… you can not “fix” it for her… you can be there… with your hand out (either literally or figuratively) but she has to make the choice whether to reach out and take it or not. It’s all about the choices.


Then I thought about another dear friend of mine that came after me when I was burrowing myself into a black hole trying to pull the top in over me… right after David died. She kept after me… trying to get me to come out… brave woman she is because I was like a snapping screaming weeping pissed off cougar in a cave… she kept at it … letting me know she was there… offering her love and support… but she could not pull me out of there… each of us has to make that decision… choice… no one else can do it for us… nor can we do it for each other… as much as we may want to.

Before I went to bed last night… I had chosen to venture forth a bit on a project. Then of course I started second guessing myself and falling into fear. I was worried as I went to bed… I felt a panic attack coming on and got up to get some rescue remedy… took it and went back to bed. Mind you I have been taking rescue remedy a good bit of the time when I go to bed at night… I’ve noticed that I sleep better when I do.

Then here come the dreams… I do not remember the details of all of them… but the theme… message… was consistent throughout… what? You didn’t get it that time… Wham… here it is again… need it repeated again… ok…here it is… Choice.

Ok…. That pissed me off… What the $%^# do you mean I am choosing panic attacks?! Seriously!? Yeah I woke up rather torked off. But it stayed there… bouncing around in my mind… whispering… think… understand…

This is not blaming you for depression, anxiety, grief, fear, agoraphobia, panic attacks, night terrors, whatever else is going awry…

This IS EMPOWERING YOU …. Over depression, anxiety, grief, fear, agoraphobia, panic attacks, night terrors, whatever else is going awry…

In one of the dreams there was this woman… she was standing there… with a falconing glove on… sending this bird out to hunt prey so it could eat… but rather than going out to hunt… it would fly up… then dive and attack her… ripping pieces of her flesh away… devouring it… yet she still stood there… arm out with the glove on for it to land on… over and over it tore at her flesh while she stood there… coming back to land on her glove…

Then I heard it… she is choosing to stand there… all she has to do is choose to send that bird away… it is her choice.

That is when I woke up… go back to sleep … same scenario … wake up …. Go back to sleep…I do not know how many times it repeated…


Then as I was having my breakfast… half a toasted multigrain bagel with cream cheese and coffee with cinnamon… one of my books jumped out at me… It had been catching my eye as I was putting the mastiffs outside to run… then the trio of young cats (Larry Curly and Mo) … then the Pominators… this book kept coming into focus… mind you I am a bit of a book freak… so there are many books here… yet this one kept leaping into my line of sight from the pile…

I sat down my bagel and walked over to pick it up … brought it back to the table and flipped it open… it came open to a page I had marked… then for some reason I flipped back a couple of pages and this phrase jumped out at me…

“I’ve come to understand that contained within each moment is the decision we have, as divine beings with free will, to either live in love or fall into the trappings of fear.” ~Carol J. Obley

Frankly I was still rather pissed. Then this quiet thought came back again… this is not blame… this is EMPOWERMENT… you can choose to send it away… it is up to you… this does not have power over you… only the illusion of power over you… you have the power of choice… you can choose to send it away…


Depression, anxiety, grief, fear, agoraphobia, panic attacks, night terrors, whatever else is going awry… all of this is rooted in fear…

The life events that triggered… continue to trigger… these things… we may not be able to do anything about. They are what they are… and many are cumulative…

If those cards are in your hand… then they are… one of the cards in my hand is David’s death… not a thing I can do about that… it is what it is… but how I play those cards… how you play those cards… that is up to you… we are not powerless… although often there is the illusion… that we are… note that word… illusion…

So how do we do this… step by step instructions please… hmmm… well I don’t have those… however… sometimes just the realization that we can… makes all the difference…


It is what it is… it is not what it is not … if it is useful to you use it… if not then toss it away… either way… here it is…

Mary E. Robbins
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The Greatest Thing...

Today I hit a new lowest weight… down to 283.8 lbs. I haven’t been this light in weight in years. It’s funny you know… the difference between how I think of this now and how I was celebrating weight losses before David crossed over.

I would have barely been able to contain myself… wiggling and dancing around the room. Impatiently waiting until David woke up to tell him. He would have smiled and hugged me and told me great job… I am happy for you… Then he would have grinned and rubbed my belly and said… I love your belly… you are beautiful….and the wonderful thing is that he actually meant it.

I realized something this morning. This is not so easy for me to admit … even to myself.

I have lived most of my life in fear. The times as a child I remember not being afraid… when mom and I were lying in bed looking at the strange patterns on the bedroom ceiling… picking out different characters or scenes we saw. Then I was not afraid… I was safe and warm and secure in my mom’s love. Mom and Dad were already living in different places. When I was riding Princess (horse)… her hooves flying over the ground… clinging to her back … riding bareback hanging on to her main… feeling the glory of her muscles flowing smoothly under me… it was as if we were one being flying over the ground together. Riding on the back of Unk’s motorcycle (my Uncle Gene, mom’s brother) when I was very little… the wind whipping around us I was small enough that my feet did not reach the foot pegs.

Ok… gotta stop for a while… started thinking of when and where that fear started… who knows it’s insidious…

I remember Grandma and I were together and she fell down. Mom and told me to take care of Grandma… and I let her fall. I hurt my Grandma. Grandma’s body had the same genetic disease… malfunction… whatever you want to call it… in her legs that mom and I both do. They swelled… massive veins… running ulcers… you couldn’t count on them to support you … I realize logically now that I could not have prevented her fall… but my heart still hurts that my Grandma fell and I could not stop it. Mom had, had to go somewhere for something and I was with Grandma. I brought Grandma pillows so she could get back up with her crutches. I was a very little girl…

Sara (bullmastiff) just walked into my office and hugged me with her massive head and neck. She is panting… nervous and concerned because I was crying. She would take all the pain and worry away if she could. Her hugs help… but she can not take it away any more than I could prevent my Grandma from falling.

Each of us has to walk our own path… and sometimes the trail is brutal.

When Grandma’s body died, October 1969, my world as I knew it ended. Grandma was my safe place, kind of like David has been. I think she was Mom’s safe place too; and Unk’s as well. When ever a bad storm would come up we would head down the hill to Grandma’s house. She would bake these huge sourcream cookies and I would get ingredients for her and sit in the door watching the rain and playing with granddaddy long legs. I didn’t hurt them… just let them run across my hands when I saw them… their legs having such a light feathery touch. Mom took me to the funeral with her… and I kissed grandma’s body’s forehead. She wasn’t there… just a cold rubbery body was there… with her hair fixed all strange and make up on her. Grandma wore her long silky silver hair in a bun… and never wore make up. She had blue eyes…. And was around 6 ft tall. I am named after her. Her name in this life was Etta Mae… My middle name is Etta.

She had this long grey fuzzy soft coat… like fur but not… after she passed I used to sleep with it… curled around it hanging on… I saw her once in a dream… she was walking down this road trying to come back to us. We moved from our house into Grandma’s house after she passed. It had propane heat and we heated solely with wood….or whatever else we could find to burn.

Mom was there, but she wasn’t the same anymore… Uncle Gene was there… but he was not the same either. It’s like the lights had gone out in their eyes. What had been warm and safe… was cold dark, filled with pain, nothingness, and anger… I was afraid … and cold and dark inside too… I was nine years old. I remember my 5th grade teacher talking to me… Mrs. Borden. But I can’t remember what she was saying… I just see her face in my mind’s eye.

The night Grandma died… she had, had gallbladder surgery. And from what I understand they fed her bean soup… and she bloated and burst her stitches and bled out. Did they actually feed her bean soup… I don’t know… that’s what I remember. I remember I wanted to go home from the hospital and sleep in our own home with mom….and mom gave in and took me home rather than staying with Grandma. I loved that little house… and my room… it had windows all around… you could lie there in bed and look at the stars... and moon. We had one phone in the house… it was on the wall. We went rushing back to the hospital… I know we rushed because grandma’s body was still in the bed… and there was a pool of blood under it. Deep red and shiny… I blamed myself for Grandma dying…. I felt that I had killed my grandma. I never spoke to mom about this until recently. Yes I know it’s illogical… especially after the way David crossed. I could not stop that either.



The dogs, cats, and birds in the house are upset… because I am upset. Willie (blue parti pom) is nervous and whining… he has this high pitched whine that can get through whatever grief fog I may be submerged in…the sound piercing my ears into my consciousness…


 


Grandma knew her time was coming. I remember earlier that summer she had told me she did not have much time left. She was trying to prepare me for her crossing… I could not allow myself to see what she was saying. I look and see signs now regarding David’s crossing… 43 years later and I did the same thing that 9 year old girl did… I went into total denial… unable to bear the thought.

When Mom crossed in September… September 6th 2012. I was sad but not surprised. She had told me about a dream she had about this being coming to get her. I knew her time was near. I celebrated her freedom from pain… freedom from that wheelchair… from all the emotional angst … I felt her joy after her crossing. I loved my mom… I still do… I always will. We lost each other for so long… Lost my Uncle while we were all in this life too… so much emotional pain. Now they are both free. I celebrate their freedom. I celebrate Grandma’s freedom too! David is free of needles; he knows … not belief… but knows what waits on the other side… I feel his peace.

When David looked at me … he saw me. He loved me. Not some pseudo representation of me I was hiding behind… and I saw him. He was … and is so beautiful…

Yes both of us carried darkness within us… pain fear anger… David no longer does. He is free.

I think this is all for now…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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