Happy Anniversary David! I've got your roses...

I’m up…. And I’m awake…

Gratitudes: the sun is shining, hot black coffee, fever broke and I slept and slept and slept last night…

Exhaustion, soreness, and fever seem to follow episodes of Panic attacks. I am thinking it must be related to the massive adrenalin dump that occurs during the panic attack.  Frankly I did not think this was going to happen this time around since the panic attack was reigned in pretty quickly with rescue remedy.

That muscle soreness is worse than the aftermath of a long distance race or a heavy weight workout. Yes back in the day I did both. My body seriously goes into flight or fight mode… every fiber is ready to either flee or attack … and then it shuts off any pain from injuries… (oh yes I feel them later…with a vengeance)

I am thinking that is why the tattoo did not hurt. He was working on it for over 2 hours and I just sat there listening to metallica felt kind of like deep itch on my shoulder was being scratched… loved the rhythms of music he had on…

Body went into defensive mode and reduced pain sensitivity…. Come to think of it the pain in my legs and back receded too… that’s too funny… because I was actually concerned about how I was going to react to the tat needle.  When I started getting dizzy I grabbed the rescue remedy… and about 10 minutes later that was the end of it… the dizziness and free falling sensation that is…

Today is David’s and my Anniversary… Happy Anniversary Honey… yes I got my roses… except this time it is a single rose to be carried with me on my shoulder…

On David’s and my very first date… he brought me a dozen red roses… and roses were our thing from then on… the first roses he gave me were red… the last (which I still  have) were lavender and cream bicolor…

Busy day…
Later taters
May you walk in peace…

Oh yeah... and why is there blood dripping off the ribbon...because honey... sometimes love hurts...

Mary E. Robbins
facebook
twitter

Musings...

Coughing again this morning. Not quite as bad as yesterday… drank some apple cider vinegar and hot water… that seemed to help clear the mucus out of my throat… had my honey as well… took some generic musinex sinus and 2 aspirin.

Not much for breakfast… part of an English muffin toasted with butter and a bit of grape jelly… probably 2/3 of it… gave the rest to Sara and Diesel.

Thought the washer quit working… turned out to be the plug in electrical tail I was using… thank God for that… at any rate it is working now.

Ran into the widow of a good friend yesterday. She is the wife of the gentleman that used to be our UPS driver that came out to the ranch. Over the years we had become good friends. His body died of pancreatic cancer shortly after he retired. They found out he had it… and 6 weeks later he was gone. He crossed over 2 years ago… I can still see his smiling face when he came with packages and visited a bit… looking at the pom puppies.

It was obvious from visiting with her yesterday that they were best friends and truly loved each other. It is such a gift to have friendship and love like that in this life… on the flip side it is so… what word covers it… there really are none. When they move on ahead and we are still in this life. I miss David so much… feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest…

Ok… just breathe… one breath then another… calm… Here comes another day.

It’s so strange how these bodies react to this kind of stress….not just in humans either. I remember when Miss Priss died. … she was a female cockatiel. She and Pete had been together for years. He went into screaming crying mourning for weeks… he was so devastated that I thought he was going to die….we accepted another cockatiel from my mom that was being picked on and brought him home and put him in the cage with Pete… hoping that having some other bird company would help him. They grumped and fussed at each other… and eventually got along. Now they are 2 grumpy old men hanging out watching TV.

Yes, Pete and Blue hang on the side of their cage and watch TV. Both of them are mourning David… he loved those birds….and always visited with them when he took their sleeping cover off. Pete and Blue, have been together now for …. Geez the time has all run together… well nearly 10 years… Pete has been with us nearly 20. Pete and Priss loved each other… and were together before they came to be with us as well…. Guess I’ll go turn on the morning show for them that they and David used to watch… HLN or CNN… he would flip back and forth, watching them both. He enjoyed Robin Meade and Natasha Curry.

He was so happy that he no longer had to always be on alert for a call from the railroad. He was out there between 36 and 37 years. He was really good at his work… I know this because I worked with him years back. The man knew his stuff.

He loved trains; he and Jerry would go and see the steam engines when they came through. He knew so much about the various engines. I liked to watch the train programs on TV with him and hear him tell about the engines. I had gotten him a couple of Train trip DVDs for Christmas this year… and of course gave them to him early… I always seemed to do that… give him whatever I’d gotten for him as soon as it came in …. Rather than keeping things for holidays and such. Anyway, one DVD was across the United States, and the other was across Canada. It was fun watching them with him.

We talked about how it would be a fun trip… and how when we were feeling better maybe we could go on one of them. Guess he took a different trip.

Another friend’s husband died this week. Another partnership ended early… seems like whenever one goes before the other the partnership is ended early for this life no matter what the actual age is. My thoughts and prayers go out to her.

This life is certainly an ever changing landscape from birth… through childhood… teen years… young adult… middle age… seniors and exit… of course one never knows when that exit is going to slip in there. For my child it was before birth. Just had a few precious moments with his wonderful soul… yes I could feel his presence. No I am not sure the body would be male… doesn’t matter… I look forward to reuniting on the other side… I wonder … has my mom gotten to meet her grandchild now… I hope so. She was so excited… had just bought a baby book … we had just seen his heart beat and listened to it… then our time with him was over and in a rush of hemorrhage he was gone from this life… mom would have been a wonderful grandma to him. She did great with my youngest step son… the older ones didn’t want anything to do with either of us. Broke my heart … broke mom’s heart… and broke David’s heart.

I guess I just do not understand why people are … hmmmmm… how to say this… if someone you love is happy… why not celebrate their happiness. I’ve never understood that. Whether it’s friend or family… whomever the loved one is… celebrate their joy… it takes nothing away from you… in actuality it increases the joy and love in your own life…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
find me on facebook
follow me on twitter
Beachbody Health and Fitness Coach
Robbins Run Ranch

Turning Point...

Wicked coughing session this morning. Survived it… yep…I need to work out more… everything works better in this body when it is active.

Thank you for your prayers… love … and thoughts…


Today was a turning point for me. The past few days have been rather horrid… well more than the past few days… truth be told… missing my husband and feeling totally valueless… useless… Well I am NOT useless…

Filled with fear to the point of total overwhelm stripping away self worth and ability. Yes I know I’ve been doing this to myself… I did not want to go on without David. And frankly I felt like a husk of a person without him. I Love him as much as ever… this does not mean that I love him any less… or that I do not miss him… because I do.

However his time to function physically in this life is done… mine is not. So there is a choice to be made… merely exist... degrading into a morass of unending pain and misery… or choose to celebrate David’s life… and continue to live mine. Actually live it... not endure it or hate it... but live it... celebrate the moments... celebrate the gift of love we gave each other and continue to do so...

breathe deep... and savor the air...

I have been hearing a litany of I can’t I can’t I can’t echoing and rebounding through my head … heart… very soul… over and over again.

Deep breath!

I CAN!

Sitting here and staring at the walls in a crushed self destructive mode benefits no one… and frankly it is the very last thing David would have wanted for me. I know he is with me… cheering me on.

I got one dose of I can this morning… the faucet shut off on the side of the house exploded this morning flooding the lower yard with water. I dealt with it… I found the shut off before it completely flooded the yards and managed to get it shut off… and yes I will either replace the shut off that exploded myself… or have help doing it… either way I will get it done.

I am valuable… I am worth something… and I do have much to offer…

Celebrate this gift called life… savor the moment… even if it’s a massive spray of water shooting out of the wall… I took a hold of that spigot and it snapped off in my hand…. Glad I was here when this thing blew… but If I hadn’t been I would have dealt with it anyway.

Done with I Can’t….

I Can…

Celebrate Life
May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
Life is a Journey... sometimes there are twists in the road...
307.788.0202
find me on facebook
follow me on twitter
find me on beachbody
Robbins Run Ranch

Wake up and Know...

Wake up and know…. You are not alone.

Celebrate life!

I was asleep … and now I am awake…

I woke early this morning… well relatively early for me… between 5 and 6 a.m. and of course nestled down into my covers once again…. Thinking I wanted to slip back into the soft darkness of sleep. Then wondering, what was it I was dreaming. As the remnants of where I had been in my sleep laughed at me and danced away… leaving the sense that I had been … and still was… wrapped in the love of those that love me and that I love… that have since crossed the veil.

I pulled back the down alternative blankets that I was snuggled into… moved aside my body pillow… placed my mini pillow in its spot for the day… Yes I named a small pillow after Mini Tatanka (Pomeranian) after she crossed. Sat upright with my feet on the floor … toes seeking my slippers and got up. Then did the morning walk to the bathroom... as my body started its morning routine. It’s a short walk, as the bathroom in our little house is right next to the bedroom. Ran a brush through my hair… did my business in the bathroom and headed to the kitchen.

I looked out the kitchen window to the east to see if there was any semblance of light on the horizon… it was but a palate of shades of grays… Headed to the wood stove to add a couple of pieces of firewood and damp it back down… thankful the weather has shifted once again to warmer…. Rather than the sub zero bitter it had been.

Diesel (cane corso) is awake and following me around… Sara (bull mastiff) is still stretched out on the couch… I know she is awake… but she is waiting for me to tell her to get up and go outside to stretch her legs and do her business. The three of us walked up the ramp to the landing to the front door and outside we all went. I turned on the porch light to get a better view of the thermometer… nearly 30 degrees F. and no wind. Wonderful!

I looked again of to the east and could see a rosy glow coming up over the ridge to the southeast… the sun is coming… The fiery pink hues spread across the clouds to the east in celebration of the day…. Dancing across the sky, giving a gift of beauty to any that would stop… take a moment and receive its glory.

The small birds in the evergreen tree in front of the house, are flittering their wings and greeting the day. It is so quiet outside that I can hear their wing movements above my head. I cannot see them in the shadows of the tree branches… but I can hear them… awakening and giving thanks for the day.

I had made a cup of coffee while I was in the house... and had taken it ouside with me. I took a sip of coffee then set it on the old barbeque grill sitting beside the porch… stepped away to stare in awe at the beauty spreading across the eastern sky. Color so intense that it denies capture by camera.

I thought of David… honey look at that… so beautiful… I felt his presence with me… as I wondered what amazing sights he was now able to see…

I gave thanks for the day… letting the peace fill me … flow through me… as above so below… accepting the gift of this new day in this life.

As I was watching the colors spread and shift across the sky I heard this thought in my mind… life in this realm is a fleeting as that sunrise… filled with the shifting colors and hues throughout… it is up to you whether you accept its beauty or hide in fear in the darkness… blinding yourself to all that there is…

You are not alone… I am with you always…

As I stood there in the quiet… I felt the love of those that had passed through the veil before me… without the confusions and pain of this realm… I felt the life surrounding me running through me… of this realm and onwards… all connected… the closest I can come to in description is as a huge web… interconnected… not trapped as in a spider web… but free to move about yet connected to one another… across the realms… across the veils… I do not have the words to adequately express…

There is a phrase that continues to echo through my mind… through my very being…

Wake up and know… You are not alone….

Is this just for me… No it is not…

Wake up and know… You are not alone…

May you walk in peace...
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
find me on facebook

The Greatest Gift...

What a gift this has been....

Good Morning … A study in grays is spreading across the eastern horizon… singing out in the still cold of the morning… the sun is coming… the sun is coming. The fire is dancing and caressing the wood in the stove… keeping the 0 degrees F temperatures at bay. Casting it’s dancing orange light across the floor in the morning dark…

Toasted whole grain bagel with cream cheese and coffee for breakfast… unfortunately had a coughing gagging choking … what to call it… episode… there that fits it… an episode of choking on skuck … I took some generic musinex sinus to thin it down and reduce the nasal swelling. Would be nice to be rid of that mess… but getting it up out of my lungs is exhausting… and frankly a bit scary. I really hate choking. When I get upset it is always worse… and for some odd reason I’ve been upset quite a lot lately. Mornings are the hardest. I miss my David the worst in the mornings… I used to go in and check on him and just stand and watch him sleep. I loved to watch him sleep… whether it was in the bed or in his recliner. I would hold my breath and listen to him breathe.

My aloof black and white house cat, Mow Mow Tat, has been coming up to me and standing on her hind feet and hugging me with her paws… purring and cuddling up to me as I set at the desk. This is a new development since David’s physical passing. All of us miss him… human, animal, and bird as well… Blue Boy, cockatiel, does his little David dance and talks to him… makes me wonder… how is it that they can see him and we … as in humans can not… of course there is another thought on the heals of that one… what if he is just doing his dance trying to call him… I don’t think so though… I’ve heard these birds mourn before. When Pete’s mate… Prissy died he screamed and cried for days… weeks… I thought he was going to die as well… that was when we brought Blue boy home… Blue boy was getting beat up at my mom’s place. The birds he was in with were attacking him… Well Pete and Blue argued too… but it shifted Pete’s focus from mourning to being pissed at the newcomer in his home.

They still fuss at each other like 2 little feathered grumpy old men… but they are friends now as well. They hang out on the side of their cage and watch television.

My lungs hurt this morning… I suppose that coughing fit could have been prompted by breathing the cold air yesterday. I do not have a cold or flu… and frankly at this point I am not sure just how these lungs would handle one. More likely it was prompted by me being upset. It seems when the emotion sidecars me so does the coughing.

I am going to make a list with descriptions of the animals and the kennel runs they are in… so if I do have a coughing episode and can not clear my air passage at least someone will be able to know the names of the dogs. The dogs will have a rough time of it if I cross over as well.

Many of them are aged already… such loving souls. Honest loving souls… they are who they are… not subterfuge no twisted games like people play. I was so blessed to have a relationship with a man… my Husband… My David… that did not play psyche games with me. He was so straightforward with me… no trying to figure out what motives were there… such a relief… no here it is… let me take it away … oh no here it is… oops leverage… plain and simple… he loved me… he still loves me… and I love him… always will.

Well I think that’s my ramble for this morning… lungs are still aching but I’m not coughing… need to wash the dog bedding today… they want out… but I am going to try and hold off until it is at least a bit above zero… I’m thinking I am going to have some messes to clean up. That’s me… senior pooper scooper… on dog doodie duty…

May you walk in peace…