I am officially 38 pounds down. 12 pounds from 50 pounds off… argh… now where did that magic wand go… so I can just shake it 3 times and be down to my goal weight and size… and condition… optimally healthy in mind body and spirit… what do you mean I left in the other realm… no… say it isn’t so…
Lie to me man I need the fantasy right now… I also need a cup of coffee and something to eat… well I did make coffee… and yes with those dark roasted beans… ground them first… fiddled with the coarseness of the grind… that is the coolest little machine… love it… really like that is not electric too.
I could have seriously done without waking up around 2 am in full melt down… what the bleep was that…. Come on… major headache… literally… and in full on bawl it out meltdown…. From being asleep. Argh… Thank you God… yes I do mean that… for Rescue Remedy Sleep… I took some asprin… some stuff to keep the mucus from choking me and to open my sinuses back up… and some Rescue Remedy Sleep… and crawled back into bed… still have a headache… but not an eye splitter like it was.
Yeah ok I get it… I have emotions… but do they have to come out in a rave in the middle of the night and beat me about the head…. Come on… tears are salt water… not needed to irrigate crops with… so … enough already… and the oceans are rising already… well I don’t know about the Great Salt Lake… maybe it needs some more… ppphhhhtttt….
This has happened several times over the past week or so… again… freezing cold… no hotter than a frying pan… oh is my skin on fire… feels that way… nerves doing their hey day dance… again… oh… no it is below zero… all topped off with a level 5 tornado of emotions tearing their way through your being… oh yeah it is a party here tonight… so far the cold sweats have not started again… I know this because my sheets have not been soaked…
So why write about this… because I know you are out there… because this stuff has been hidden for way too bloody long. This is not a defect… not a disease… it is our being’s… our body’s way of processing… it sucks… yes… but it is what it is… We go about our days… doing what we have to do… functioning… then we go to sleep… and the pot that was simmering comes to a full boil and it all comes out… sometimes it takes a really long time for it to come out… sometimes not so much… it is probably a good thing that it does not all come out at once… because frankly just processing the way it is … is totally exhausting…
So is this a good thing or a bad thing… it is neither… it just is… how we perceive it can turn it into a good thing or a very bad thing.
You have a choice… yes there is that miserable word again… choice… dropping the responsibility for how we deal with this stuff right back in our laps. We can choose to fold up… to curl in… to slide into a never ending ever darkening spiral of self destructive pain… and allow this process to literally destroy us…
Or… we can choose to embrace the process… see it as a healing process purging what has been buried within… festering … poisoning us…
I choose… to see it as burning away the toxic sludge that has been poisoning me… like a purifying fire… no it is not a pleasant process… rather sucks actually… but it is what it is… sometimes healing is … well I’ll just let you fill in that word…
Yesterday I was caught up in the mire… last night was a purging… I survived it… today I am stronger than I was yesterday… and I have the gift of a bit of enlightenment… this is truly a gift… as this morning is when I made the choice to embrace the process rather than be torn apart by it…
Hey… sometimes it takes a while to catch on to what is actually happening… especially when it is all hush hush… oh no that didn’t happen… or it is night terrors… yeah ok… it is night terrors… call it what you will… but what is it actually…
You have a choice… you can choose… and yes I know how bad that pain is… beyond words… ok…. It is up to you whether this process destroys you… or strengthens you… Yeah… I know… what a choice …not exactly the words that ran through my mind … but it is what it is… and it is up to you… never told us about this in those friggen fairy tales… aw well…
Today I have chosen to embrace the cleansing process… to forgive… and to let it go… what does this leave me with… it leaves me with peace… will I have to make that choice again… yeah… more likely than not… hence the word process…
Now on to the day…
Pete (cockatiel) is doing his good morning talk… Diesel is grrroooaaanning… he wants to go outside… he growls… groans… then huffs… well I am a couple hours late… when I went back to bed I did not set the alarm since I usually wake up between 4 and 5 and this time I did not… so they are telling me about it…
Yeah ok… I let them out and poured me a cup of coffee. It is a bit above freezing and overcast… with a beautiful pink display to the east… yes in the sky… of course the wind is blowing… does not seem to be as hard as yesterday… but it is blowing… and the wild birds are doing a concert in the evergreen tree outside my door. The sun has come up enough to stream in my kitchen window… fire is burning in the wood stove… dancing around the wood as she (the fire) has her breakfast… speaking of which… I am hungry… so I am off (yeah enough already…lol) to cook some breakfast… then vitamins… then oxycise and taicheng… then haul in firewood… do ranch rounds… perchance to find another egg… then it is into the quonset to sort some more… have some phone calls to make this morning as well… I am thinking this is going to be a full day…
May you walk in peace…
Mary E. Robbins
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