It is time to lie down the anger

Good morning peeps…

Well this has been an “interesting” night… first I fell asleep in my chair… thought I’d slept for hours… but was only minutes… tried to go to bed… and became “totally AWAKE” … just a strange state of mind… oh… yeah… the spider bite… almost totally gone… thankfully… that mud facemask really works good for drawing out toxins.

We made progress putting stuff in the roll-off dumpster yesterday. What had taken us a couple of days to pile outside we got into the dumpster in just a few hours… it was a good thing… but it was a hard thing too.  Part of what went into that dumpster was the first furniture that David and I bought together… gotta let it go…

Much more to clear out of there today. Gonna take my vitamins, go out and do ranch rounds then head to the Quonset.

I had weight progress photos taken yesterday… starting photos for working with a particular coach… but in progress photos for me.  Frankly I did not want to take them at all… such a simple thing was so hard. It took all the nerve I had to get them done… more friggen triggers… David was the one who took these types of photos for me in the past.  I appreciate having the pics taken… I do… and my friend did not make it awkward… and we got it done.  Another first done… 

Frankly it feels like yet another strip has been freshly ripped out of my heart.  I have so had enough of pain and friggen tears. Drowning in salt water running out of my eyes… I mean seriously… enough already…

Oh yeah… lets have some more stress… I went over to the property in Morrill… what a mess. That did not have to be that way either… then to walk around on there and my horse trailer is stolen… so is my goat trailer … and who knows what else… you know it’s enough that my family that lived there … dysfunctional as we were… are all dead… but to have thieving scavengers digging around in our history/property … stealing is just too bloody much.

What makes people think that it is ok to go on other people’s property and take and take without asking is beyond me.  No honor… no integrity… it is disgusting… it is obscene…

I don’t care how simple a thing it was… it was a betrayal … and theft…

To those that have behaved in this manner…

As you to bring to others In either thought or deed
May you be so blessed In the life you lead
Ten times ten plus one
Whether this is  Blessing Or Cursing be Is completely up to thee!

I choose to forgive… yet you are still responsible for your crap behavior! I am choosing to forgive so I can move on… as for you… you can sit and stew in the nasty stew you created as far as I am concerned… Oh… does that sound angry… well perhaps it sounds angry because I am angry…

I am angry over the creeping thieving inconsiderate behavior that has been all too evident on that place…

I am angry over the falsehoods that were told by those living there and spread on… I am angry over the neglect that ran amok… I am angry over what could have been yet never would have been because those involved flat refused to deal with their issues… I am sorry they never dealt with their issues in this lifetime and remained mired in a constant strife and war zone between themselves and others that loved them…. And love them still.

It is amazing … how different relationships can be… David and I did our best to lift each other up… we had each other’s backs whether we agreed with each other or not… such was the opposite … or seemed to be so between my mom and her 2 brothers… so much conflict… so much pain… carried on from childhood forward… May they be free from all the pain and strife of this life and spend their eternity in peace and joy.

Such a strange mixture of pain… grief… rage… loss… all stirred in with good memories as well… all coming to the surface… sometimes slowly… sometimes in a rush … like a flash flood in hilly country… all part of the healing… growth process…

It is time to lie down the anger… the out and out rage… the pain… make an effort to remember the good things… forgive the negatives… and allow myself to heal and move forward in my own journey….

May you walk in peace… 

Mary E. Robbins

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