Monday, April 28, 2014

washing my way through 20 years of memories



Good Morning Peeps…

I spent most of yesterday washing shirts and jeans… and sorting through bib overalls… the bibs that are too big for me now I am folding up and storing… the shirts I’ve been washing are David’s … yes it took me this long to get into his closet… the shirts were covered in dust from hanging there… one of the benefits of living out in the country in an old house… dust dust dust… aw well…

The biggest part of it is not the dust… the dust washes out in the washer… each shirt has it’s own memory cues…a whether worn for work… a dinner out… just the look of the fabric across his shoulders… a smile across his face lighting up his eyes… I am not getting rid of the shirts… it is not happening… I am washing them and putting them away in storage tubs…

The plan at this time is to use them to make shirts for myself at a later date when my size has come down to where I want it and stabilized… there will be more than enough fabric to do this with each shirt…

Pulling the shirts out of the closet… stepping over his work boots to reach the shirts…just emphasizes the fact that he is no longer sitting in his favorite chair… watching Gunsmoke or John Wayne… or at a gun show with his friends… coming home to tell me of all he saw… and who was there… or coming up behind me as I was at my desk… saying… you hungry… his way of saying he would like something to eat… he would scuff his feet all the way to the back of my chair … then rub my shoulders… making it impossible for me to run the keyboard or write…

Good memories… but difficult as I wash each shirt… my heart is ripped through a meat grinder once again… people say …time heals all wounds… or you will get over it… both are non-truths… time does not heal these wounds… and you do not get over it… yes it takes time… it takes time to learn to live in a world in which your best friend is no longer standing by your side… it takes time and work to learn to live in a world in which the person you thought of first… and who thought of you first … each having the other’s back… is no longer physically here…

You do not “get over it” you evolve… transform… there is a definite marker in your life from then on… before death and after death… it’s funny you know… there is the same kind of marker in my life from the day David and I met… a transition point… the end of one era … beginning of another…

The time we had together was a gift… he will always be with me… does that mean that I am wallowing… no it does not… I am healing… growing… evolving…

As I step forward in this life… I know he is with me… watching out for me… I would rather he was here physically as well… but as that is not to be… it is one step at a time… one breath at a time… one moment at a time… stepping forward… there are moments now that I feel the sunshine… actually feel joy… of course there are triggers… myriad and many… but with each trigger… it seems there is growth… survive the triggers… allow the emotion… embrace the growth…

The snow is gone from yesterday’s weather temper tantrum… it a gray wet chilly day here on the high plains of Wyoming… the tulips survived the weather… and another patch of them is getting ready to bloom… I’ve been looking at companion planting.. thinking I may go out and stick some onion bulbs in the ground… along with some beet seed and perhaps some carrots… or perhaps I will wait for a warmer … not quite so windy day…

The dryer has finished a run… time to take more shirts out of it… and put in another load… washing my way through 20 plus years of marriage and friendship…

May you walk in peace…

I seriously need a cup of coffee….


Mary E. Robbins
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