one day at a time...

Good Morning Peeps…

Got all the panels pulled for the garden fence… woof… made it back into the house and that was the end of my activities for the night… I was asleep in the chair… got up ate dinner…. Back asleep on the couch… woke up drank some water… crawled into my bed…

I have not slept that much in a very very long time… I actually feel pretty good this morning … so my body must have needed it…

Highlander episode playing on the tv screen… the cockatiels are chittering and dancing around to the music playing in the background as they watch tv… breakfast is done… yes my typical breakfast… duck egg, 2 strips bacon, yam, a bit of raw honey and cacao nibs… finished off with fresh ground organic French roast coffee…supposed to get up to 75F (24C) here today… thinking this will be the first day of the season that the cockatiels get to go outside… they love hanging out in their cage on a stand under the evergreen tree in the front yard…

Used the high jack to pull out the steel fence posts yesterday… for the life of me I could not get the thing to work…. I was already frustrated and triggered beyond thinking straight… I put it in the back of the truck and headed to my friend’s house… he looked at it fiddled with it and got it working… back in the day I would have done the same thing… argh… it’s like my brain just shuts down and I run on emotion …. I mean seriously… enough of this nonsense… It was really bad right after David died… did not seem to be able to think at all… just feel… and that was raw guttural emotions… with no checks…

I mean seriously?! Frustrated to tears over a high jack… what is that… this from a woman who has run her own business… more than once… raised teen aged step children… been a rail… and on and on… totally stymied by a high jack…

Actually I have seen this before… after I was hurt in a robbery … on the same night of the week… my mind would trigger and I would not be able to read the restaurant tickets … on Thursday nights… happened in the mid 1980’s … the rest of the week I was fine… managing the restaurant… keeping things humming along… doing my thing… then wham… I could see the words on the tickets… knew that I should know what they were… but could not comprehend them…

I went to the doc to see if there had been some bone fragments knocked loose from a previous head injury… from years before… I had a bad concussion from the night of the robbery… from the scans there were no migrating bone fragments… turns out it was a symptom of ptsd/tbi …. Not a whine… it just is what it is… frustrating beyond words at times… but it is what it is…

The duress from losing my husband/best friend destabilized and amplified the emotional rollercoaster I’ve lived with for what seems like forever… but I am still here… still living… taking it one moment at a time… healing… growing… working my way though this life…

I write about this because I know I am not the only one out there… and perhaps my story will help another to not feel so alone in this journey… perhaps help another along the way…

A friend of mine lost her husband a few months before I did… they were lifers like we were… after her husband died … she had a heart attack… she is still here… taking it one day at a time… healing… evolving… each of our journeys are different… yet the same…

I never imagined my life without my husband… but here I am … he is still with me… I would have preferred to have him here healthy in mind body and spirit… but it seems that was not to be… I am taking it day by day… sometimes moment by moment… trying to sort out my purpose in this life… perhaps my purpose is simply to live this life day by day…and share the journey… perhaps that…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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for those of you that celebrate Easter... for those of other beliefs...may you enjoy the beauty of the graphics... and have a blessed day as well...