Shattered Dreams and Broken Promises

I could barely get out of the bed this morning. I need help with this. I thought it was just strained muscles, but there is a good chance that my back has come out of alignment, and is pinching nerves. It’s difficult to take a breath, I am partially paralyzed again.

David is still in bed, after last night I don’t want to even be around him. If I ask him to help me take care of the dogs, or to do any kind of work around here he turns into a vicious screaming idiot.

It would be so nice to have a partner that I could count on. I am so tired, exhausted from the physical pain and screaming abuse.

I am an emotional wreck this morning, breaking down and crying can’t seem to control it. I am so tired.

I am so tired of being beat up emotionally. Seems like the only thing left inside of me is loneliness and pain.

At this point I’m not sure what do do.

Ok get your shit together woman. You need to get your back fixed. You haven’t lost anything but an illusion. You thought you had a partner. You thought you had a real friend in your husband. You were wrong. You bought into what he seemed to be, or what you wanted him to be.

He said he loved me last night. In the midst of a screaming fit. He says he wasn’t attacking me, but I was the only person here. So who else was he screaming, cussing, slamming breaking, at. I was the only other person here.

This shit behavior happens every time I ask him to do anything here.
Not just here it was the same way when we lived in town. So get a clue, he is a screaming abusive person.

I actually do love him. If I didn’t this wouldn’t be so miserable. I could just walk away and would have a long time ago. At this rate I may end up doing that now. Or if I lose the use of my legs, roll or crawl away.

Just to some quiet place. Just some quiet place, some quiet place, quiet place quiet place where no one can reach me… quiet dark place quiet dark place peaceful it seems being alone is the only way to be peaceful. Some quiet dark place, warm would be nice or just nothing, no sound, no pain, no pressure, no cruelty, no more. Nnno more no more no more no more no more …… just no more.

Ok get your shit together. You have more strength than that. Heal yourself. Get stronger, even stronger yet. Take care of the dogs. Take care of yourself.

What do I do first? Call your chiropractor and see if he can put your back in place. How do I get there. Get that ass to drive you or call someone else. Keep calling until you find anyone, or try it yourself.

What’s the worse that could happen if you get in your pickup. Kill someone else. That is the worse that could happen. So just take it really slow and you should be ok.

Ok…1:30 appt at my chiropractor’s office.

10:45 a.m. More stable now, gathering my strength. It’s amazing how much strength and endurance is packed down inside of us. Each and every one of us.

I’m not sure what is going to happen with my back. Whatever does I’ll handle it. I’m not sure what is going to happen with my marriage. Whatever does I’ll handle it.

I am walking a little bit better, I have on a pair of compression pants. They are helping to hold me steady, and being very careful. I think I can make the drive into town to the chiropractors. I may have to just sit in the pickup for a while afterwards.

As far as the dogs go I am going to do what is best for the dogs. At least that is what I am trying to do.

At this point I am not physically capable of getting everything done that needs to be done in the kennel and socializing and grooming, and the paperwork, and interviews etc. I found out last night that I can not count on the one person I thought I could to help get things put together.

This mess is not because I was lazy. It is because I fell ill and did not take the necessary actions at the time to keep this from happening. Total overload. It’s time to reduce the load so I can actually function. I refuse to let my dogs suffer because of my husband’s emotional attachment. If he was willing to actually work with the kennel that would be a different matter. Actually if he had stepped up to the plate we wouldn’t be in this situation now.

I don’t know maybe he isn’t capable of it. No I am not making excuses for him. I am just done counting on him for things that he obviously can not or will not do. I’m not sure how I am going to handle all the emotional storm, somehow. Probably journaling and doing a fair amount of grieving myself. It tears my heart out to let so many of them go. The relationship with my husband is tearing my heart out as well at this point.

Somehow I must stay together, stay strong to take care of the dogs. I need to take care of me as well. My husband and mother are going to have to take care of themselves. I’ve let this crap go on way too long.
Looking back I should have taken action a long time ago. In regards to both.

Truth be told, my husband was livid about the overload of dogs. Frustrated and angry and vented by yelling and screaming. Obviously I do not deal to well with screaming venting. Especially when I feel guilty about it in the first place. With both of us on total overload we both turned into screaming asses. e-ore e-ore e-ore... yes sometimes I do bray.

He did step up to help, frankly I'm not sure how the dogs would have been fed and watered if he hadn't. Really drives the point home that many of them need to be placed. I am so thankful for the help of the rescues in placing the dogs that I was unable to socialize. I was frantic wondering just how I was going to get them socialized and into homes.

It was seriously an error on my part to take in that last 50 plus. But I just couldn't see leaving them in the situation they were in when they asked me to help. No win situation for the past year. But at least the dogs grew back some hair. Now to get them out into homes; and get my numbers down to where they should be. This has been a very rough lesson, all in all.


Life is a journey; some days just suck
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch