Ok… well I am still here…. Still a widow… still missing my life… still missing my husband… still do not understand …. I did cook and eat breakfast … did yesterday too. Not much pleasure in it eating by myself. Sound like a pity party… tough… it just is what it is… it’s a couple of days past 5 months since life as I knew it ended. I suppose I am supposed to be over this… yeah right… who ever told you that is full of it…. And I don’t mean full of cotton candy either… although enough of that stuff will make you sick too.
Some time ago I wrote that I did not want to go on without my husband…. And someone had a friggen cow. I am not sure of all of what was said as they pulled their posts. Just as well as I was in a rather dark place. As it turns out it was major depression on top of grieving. No longer in major depression… which is a HUGE relief… it’s pretty scary what a simple chemical imbalance can do. It seems my serotonin levels were low… boosted them with omega 3s …. I am using a combination of flax oil and fish oil… in a capsule called thera tears. I’ve done some research since then and they say flax oil can counter depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and so on. Be fore warned though… it can bloat you… as in gas gas gas that does not want to move… so have some gas x or simethecone on hand to counter if you need to. Oh yeah… I used the thera tears because I had some on hand.
I knew I felt better when I ate flax, or flax oil…. Better state of mind… better state of well being overall… I just did not know why. Probably do not know why in it’s entirety now… but it does make a huge difference for me.
Yes I am still grieving… yes having my having my husband drop dead on Christmas night still sucks. Seriously?!… flax oil can not take the issues that have to be worked through away. But it can help with the stinking depression… mood swings… anxiety… panic attacks and such that are due to a chemical imbalance.
I still do not want to go on without my husband. He was my husband, my lover, my soulmate, my best friend. Why on earth would I want to go on without him?! Really?! No it is not ok with me that my husband was yanked out of this husk we call a body… ok it was his time… nope still not ok with me. Not happy about it. Truth be told… I am rather pissed about it.
Don’t like it that I said that… want to get on your high horse and judge me… ok fine… have a nice ride… but while you are up there riding around… here is a suggestion… just a suggestion mind you… take a good strong look around in your own life and being and see just why it is that my attitude bothers you so much. Not your choice… not your life… my attitude… my life… my responsibility…
I do not have the release to move on yet … or I would already be OUTTA HERE… David was released and he dropped that body like a sack of rotten potatoes. Whoosh… outta here… Don’t get your feelings hurt… yes I do love and appreciate my friends…
Not my time yet… as Mow Mow Tat brushes by my leg reminding me. Although sometimes I wonder… as my heart pounds hard enough to make my body shake. Nope still here… trying to figure out how to navigate this new path.
Mary E. Robbins
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