Just Breathe...

Warning: there are ups and downs both in this writing… as well as observations…

There is no way around it… but through it…

It’s may 7th… rough start to another day… I am still here. My stomach hurts and I am very very sad. The yellow tulips are blooming by the west fence… the grape hyacinths are up… are some daffodils, holly hocks, and one planting of peony. But rather than looking at them and feeling happy… I see them and pain rips through my chest and the tears start again. It would be such a blessing to go to sleep and never wake again. I am so tired… soul weary…. Past bone weary. We were … the we being my case manager and I … were supposed to have a phone meeting with the rrb yesterday… something happened on their end and the meeting was postponed until the 14th of may. AAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

I do not want to leave these animals without their guardian in this life… but I don’t know how much longer I can last. I am so tired. Mow Mow Tat (black and white house cat) was watching me… she feels the pain and exhaustion. I had hoped to have answers on the retirement annuity yesterday… but that did not happen… I am so sorry … I am so sorry… I was entrusted with these creatures and I am failing them. I tried to study on line last night but just stared at the web page instead.

The woman from the rrb asked me what was different since David died. Really… what is different? What is different … what is different…

Where there was joy there is raw unending pain… where I was whole I am ripped asunder… with my very life force bleeding out. Where there was mutual support and caring… there is loss… and floundering… like a bird with one of it’s wings ripped off…. Have you ever seen a one winged bird fly.

Some say … you are strong… you can do this… others say you are just looking for sympathy… other’s tell me not to wallow to stand up and walk on…. Oh and yes… be thankful for the time that you had. A dear friend of mine said to me before David died … no matter how much time you’ve had it is never enough… She was speaking of her husband that had passed over 20 years ago… I did not understand what she meant at the time… I do now.

Some seem to think I am trying to do a… my pain is greater than your pain thing… seriously?! Get a friggen grip! My pain is bigger than your pain… nonsense… seriously?! Everyone’s walk is different… this is not about competition as to who’s pain is bigger… who is wiser… who is stronger… who is more depressed…

The scriptures talk about those praying for death and having to wait in this life… I understand that now. As to being strong… maybe… right now I do not feel strong… I feel ripped apart… the emotional stress and pain is tearing my physical body apart as well.

Wow… well that pretty much sums up the mornings…

May 8th:

Then I left for the day… with the intention of writing more when I got back home… what I did however was grab a bite to eat for supper and sit down on the couch and fall fast asleep… I woke when the movie I had playing stopped and the Pominators and Mastiffs howled to come in for the night…

This morning was another rough round… triggered by a daffodil/jonquil… there are some daffodils blooming along the fence line that I planted last fall for us to enjoy this spring. We… as in David and I always had this discussion… daffodils vs jonquils… I said that according to the bulb catalogs they were the same thing… he said they weren’t… just a silly little thing we chattered on about every time we saw them… lol… actually he called them … john-e-quills … makes me smile when I think of it…

Larry, Curly, and Mo are in their outdoor kitty run… I have a rope hanging from the top of it with a tough key toy on it… they go for it on the toy and climb to the top of the kitty run… it is 6 ft high, by 5 ft wide by 10 ft long… with a stump to claw on… 2 dog houses in it.. feed and water and tin on top to keep them in… actually to keep them safe as there are a number of ranch cats out here that would attack them if they were loose… so would the big dogs and many of the Pominators for that matter… they are getting used to the routine… out in the mornings back in at night… they come in curl up on a shelf in their indoor kitty condo and go to sleep… after some cuddles…

The cockatiels are outside this morning too… they love sitting outside in their cage singing with the rest of the birds. Sitting up on a platform under the evergreen tree in the front yard. I bring them back inside if I go anywhere… the winds/rains etc… can be pretty rough on them in that cage so I do not risk them… Pete is over 20 years old and Blue is not far behind…

I love hearing them chitter-chatter and sing along with the wild birds… even when they get to shrieking outside it is a pleasant sound to me… not so much when they are inside… sometimes I think they could shatter glass with that high pitch when they do the shriek thing.

How long does this process last… hmmmm…. I don’t know… I would hazard to say… as long as it lasts… the rest of this lifetime in some degree or form. Is this a bad thing… no… it is neither bad nor good… it just is.

I remember when my grandmother died (my mom’s mom) in October 1969. The mom that I knew before grandma’s physical death disappeared… and never came back. Actually that is not true… I got to see her again for a day when she was in the hospital with sepsis this past year before she died. Was she wallowing for 40 plus years… no she was not…

Grandma was her anchor and she blamed herself for Grandma’s passing… in truth I blamed myself for Grandma’s passing as well… when it was only her time to move on and neither of us had the power to hold Grandma here longer than her appointed time… just like I could not hold David here longer than his appointed time… as hard as I tried… a realization thorough writing…

Just the same … my mother punished herself until the day she died… denying herself happiness…peace… joy… positive relationships… for any prolonged period of time… another realization through writing….

My Uncle Gene as well… when Grandma passed he was no longer the same. He had already lost his wife and unborn child in an auto accident… then it seemed Grandma was his anchor. After her passing he could be… or rather was… the most wonderful man one minute… like John Wayne in the old movies… then flip to Freddie Krueger on a bad acid trip the next minute… then back again. He would give you the shirt off his back… then he would flip and grind you into the ground with it… he never made it through the loss pain and rage… not in this life…

Both of them are free now… as they have both passed out of this life. I hope he got to meet his unborn child of so many years ago… just as I hope to meet mine when I cross over…

When my Aunt Marty’s partner of so many years… over 40 years… I am not sure of the full length of time they were together… but for as long as I can remember… when she passed on to the other side… my beloved Aunt’s physical health started to fail. I remember Aunt Marty telling me how she walked by Gladys room… knowing she was no longer there… but still looking into her room expecting to find her there… Gladys’s health had been failing for some time and Aunt Marty had been taking care of her. It wasn’t but a year or 2 later that Aunt Marty crossed over as well… she sold their house in Texas and went to live with some friends in Virginia for her last years… now she is free of the constraints of this life…

(I will have no judgments on this page… it is not for you to say what another person’s walk should or should not be… it is up to that person… and their personal beliefs… so before you jump on saying what should or should not be… read your own scriptures regarding judging others…each of us has our own path to walk in this life… and no path is identical to the other)

I write … because I write… it is part of who I am. Part of my journey in this life is searching and growing… much of that is done through writing. Do I post everything that I write… no I do not. The swings of grief sadness to happiness yes I have been posting parts of that… the rage that goes from the heat of the surface of the sun… to the depths of the coldest ice in space… no I have not been posting. When it is on the hot end of the spectrum… all the emotions are present… burning in their intensity… when it flips to the cold side there is a cold calm that eliminates all pain and conscience… effectively eliminating all constraints.

Of course there is fear as well… that has been seeping through the writing… as well as courage… courage is not the lack of fear… it is moving forward… or standing fast… or sometimes writhing in pain… sometimes swathed in fear… it is what it is…

Some of you will recognize this… and some of you will not… I have not been posting the rage… because it tends to feed the flame whether hot or icy… and it spreads from person to person like a runaway forest fire burning… consuming… all in its path…

Why am I writing and posting this now… because someone out there needs to know that they are not alone in this… wherever … whatever… they are steeped in… they need to know… they are not alone… the only way around it… is through it… take another breath… it…the emotion… the process… shifts… and moves like the currents in a lake/ocean… or the winds on the surface of the earth… breathe again… and know that you are not alone… no you are not the same person you used to be… no you will never be the same again… you are changing… you are growing… no it is not a pleasant process… it is what it is… yes you can do this… you are doing this… breathe…

The rage… pain… joy… tears… let yourself feel it… embrace the turmoil… you are changing… breathe… the only way around it is through it… you can come through it…


Mary E. Robbins
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