Wednesday, November 06, 2013

for all of this and more... gratitude...




Gratitudes:
A rest day at home
Netflix
22 years in a relationship with my husband… who told me he loved me… and that I was beautiful…

22 years of dishes… erratic schedules… laundry… smelly feet (yes both his and mine… lol) … step kids… reunions… bills… calls out at all times of the night and day (railroad) … diabetes… doctors… insulin… vitamins… research… and more research… Pomeranians… big dogs… firewood… wood stoves…ashes… goats… hogs… Holsteins… a Chihuahua (Eleanor who loved drinking my coffee)… ginger the truck… old tractors… 


weeds weeds and more weeds… flowers… tomatoes… hazel eyes… oh those shining hazel eyes… kittens and cats… chickens… Ralph the bullsnake… Muscovy ducks… big red caddy… red jeep… silver jeep (the jeeps were/are our MacGyver mobiles)… illnesses… surgeries… heartache… happiness… Pomeranian clients… our little ranch… shining work boots… that man could seriously polish a boot… prairie dogs… yes even the prairie dogs… garden… friendship… disagreements… agreeing to disagree… companionship… love… 

deliberate hands… I used to love to watch him work with his hands… Folgers coffee… his coffee brand was Folgers… he loved it so I drank it too… I was actually a Maxwell house girl when we met… lol… the military channel… he always laughed when he heard me say pencil… ever since I was a little girl I’ve pronounced it penk-sil for some reason… 

Christmas trees… holiday lights… even when it was too much for us to put them up out here… razor sharp knives… he was a magician with a steel… he could put such a wonderful edge on a knife… old tv… Gun Smoke, Marshall Dillon, Andy Griffith, The Rifleman… Movies… Tombstone… several versions… build it and they will come… Dance With Me… Dances with wolves… for the love of the game… Secretariat… Rooster Cogburn… The Shootist… Dirty Harry… how it’s made… American restoration… pawn stars… American pickers… fishing… parmesan chicken… which he absolutely hated… truth be told that recipe did turn out nasty… 

He used to say “I wanted you for me… you are for me” … he had already given so much… he wanted someone just for him… he came first in my life… and I came first in his… our very first date he showed up with a dozen red roses… and roses were a part of our relationship all the way through… I would try to lose fat… and he would praise me for it… then he would hug me… and snuggle in…rub my belly …say “I love your belly” … then go and buy chocolates… yeah I rubbed his belly too… 

I hated it that he had to stick those insulin needles in his belly… I knew they hurt him… I would have done anything to make it better for him… and I tried to… he was the same way with me… he took care of me after  surgery left me unable to even get out of bed on my own… I went from this strong woman who could pick up and walk off with a railroad tie… to a person that could not lift the coffee pot… or get out of bed without aid… and he was there through it all… 

he fought his way back from a stroke… after losing speech … and nearly his life… we worked through it together… we were a team… we always looked to each other… no matter what we supported each other… even when we disagreed… we supported each other… we hugged each other… we danced together… usually to 50’s & 60’ music around the kitchen and living room… steak and potatoes and he was a happy camper…

We met in 1990… Married October 26th 1991… we were lifers.
We loved and we lived with all life’s twists and turns… we were best friends… even with all the pain and devastation his passing has left in it’s wake… I would not give up a minute of our lives together…

I was thinking the other day I might try to do some of the things we had planned on doing over the coming years. We had put off our travels until retirement…. As we mistakenly thought we had time to do these things together. Was not major things… just going to the museums in Cody WY and seeing old faithful and the devils tower…

We watched the Canadian and US passenger train tour on dvd… talking about perhaps making the trips… We talked about taking a trip to Alaska… it was funny though… we would talk about these things… then he would say… but that is such a long way from home… he loved just being home… especially after having to be gone so much of the time.

He believed in me… and cheered me on in my dream to fly… so perhaps I will study the materials… whether I ever solo in a plane or not.

He would walk out into the yard at night… both of us would… and just stare up at the night sky in awe… happy to be looking at it together… actually that outshone any of the trips and such that we spoke about… just being together was enough… anything else was gravy…

I am doing my best to honor his wishes in taking care of the dogs…. Staying here and keeping them their home until their time in this life is over…

I have lived… I have loved… truth be told … I am tired… I am so very very done…
Someone told me today… that I am a young woman… that’s funny… yes I am a woman in her 50’s… but frankly age is a relative thing… I will be here until I am not… and not a moment longer… if I am called across before my dogs have aged out… my prayer is that they are treated kindly… as long as I am here… and they are her I will care for them… and just in case anyone is confused or wondering… or perhaps just for me to say… as if it not already obvious… or at least I would have thought so… David will always be a part of me… which is why I now carry his rose on my shoulder…

Some of you will understand what I have written… and some of you will not… and that is ok too… each of us has our own journey to walk in this life… for all of this and more... gratitude...


Mary E. Robbins
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