Monday, November 17, 2008

Through the fire, and out the other side, from iron to steel.


I was out and about yesterday evening in the wonderful dark taking care of my dogs. It was a perfect night. Crisp clear skies with the beauty of the night shining through. Breathtaking view of the stars and moon. Calm, no wind, cool but not cold. Simply wonderful. To the north there was a cloud bank slipping up. That is a good thing since it keeps the night temperatures from dropping too significantly.

I love the night. Obviously. Another bright note. I wear a headlight on my cap so I can see into the dog houses to check feed levels... What else that wonderful little headlight does is attract fleas. I stopped at each pen twice, loving on my dogs, scratching their ears, patting their backs, filling their feed pans, cleaning out their waters; and playing with them. Now I realize it is a bit cooler out so fleas aren’t as active. However, I didn’t see a single flea. Not jumping up on my face and hat, or in their ears, underbellies, or armpits. Rah Rah Rah happy dance happy dance.

We just may have defeated the little monsters in this war. Yes it has been a war; complete with toxic materials and casualties. I have started adding bug off garlic from Springtime Inc to my happy hairballs feed, along with their vitamins, and DE. This should render them without insect pests. From what I’ve read about the DE it is an excellent natural de-wormer too. That is a good thing. I will wait a bit then collect some stool samples and have them tested.

(important side note: if you decide to use DE do your research and use the right kind or you will seriously make your animals ill)

The Garlic will make them taste nasty to fleas, flies, ticks, mosquitoes. Along with the Cedar cide we will have a clean pest free kennel. Yay! Yes of course I will still have to clean up feces and such. Get a grip; nothing does that for you, but you. Pooper Scoopers of the world unite…lol.

I’ve put the DE in my farm cat’s food too. They are already looking better. I will be including the garlic and vitamins as well. I want my mobile mousetraps to be parasite free and healthy.

The fowl –as in chickens’ ducks etc will be getting DE as well. I really do not like using toxic wormers and dusters on my critters. Since this works it is a healthy alternative.

They already dust themselves in the ashes from the burn pile. So far I haven’t seen any mites on them or their houses. I detest those nasty little bugs. When I was a kid our chicken house was full of mites I remember seeing them moving like a wave on the chicken roosts. Of course it was my job to go in there and gather the eggs.

I was a little kid so it didn’t occur to me what was happening to the poor birds that slept in there.

Something else happened as I was out working last night. Yes this is more emotional gore. From rage to realization. My own 9-11 moment shall we say.

The twin towers in my life (figuratively) had already come crashing down, along with my belief system regarding my immediate family, childhood, and life in general. Excluding my husband.

He would be one of the heroic firefighters in this scenario. He has hung in there through my total flame out and melt down. My all engulfing flaming rage over a total betrayal destroying my view of what was real and what was not from my life as a baby through now.

What was true? What was a lie? Was anything from my childhood true. Were the circumstances of my father leaving true. Was it true that he shut me in a car twice and tried to kill me as a baby, or was that a lie as well? Did my dad leave because he didn’t want us? Didn’t want me. Did I destroy their marriage? Supposedly things were good before she got pregnant with me and fell apart after I was born. Did I destroy their marriage? Or was it something altogether different.

You know they say children are cruel. Yes they are its true. But adults, or rather parents, are crueler to their own children than anyone else could ever be.

Did my mother’s lies rob me of my child hood relationship with my father? How much of my childhood was lies? Was anything real? Did she ever love me or was I just a weapon to get at my dad? A tool to bring in income so she didn’t have to finish her education and actually work.

Yes I know she had physical problems. I have the same nasty disease in my body. Mainly my legs.

I could, and have made all kinds of excuses for her. Bottom line she is who she is. What she believes is what she believes. I used to think I knew who she was and what she believed. Big surprise; I have no bloody idea.

After all the killing rage, gnashing of teeth (my teeth) stomping screaming, crying, self torture, abject agony, hell incarnate; I finally came to a realization. “PING IN THE HEAD”

Wow, light bulb flashed on in my mind. It was actually a ping in the head moment. What have I been doing? Nothing like years of self torture to absolutely no avail. So much bloody pain.

However there was a moment of epiphany. So I guess all this hell on earth has come to some positive result.

So what is my great revelation? Absolutely nothing has changed. Just like the mess on 9-11. Absolutely nothing had changed. Yes some people had died; a couple of buildings had come down to a grand mess. It stirred up some patriotic feelings, mass flag flying, stirred up some prejudice.

But all in all, everything was the same. Didn’t change the prejudice that was obviously already there. Didn’t change the hatred/and or greed that was behind the twin towers going down; or the other planes going down. All of that crap was still there.

It did change how security reacts in airports and such. I didn’t change the motives behind all the mess. That was all the same.

The only thing that really changed was our awareness of what was there all along. Now it’s up to us how we let it affect us. Because bottom line, there is absolutely nothing we can do to change the other people’s believes, code of ethics, or lack thereof.

Now we are aware. What is Simply is.

So where do we go from here. We as a nation can choose to live in fear and manipulation; or we can choose to breathe free and live our lives recognizing their manipulation for what it is. The Petty attempt to steal the joy of life from us; as a whole and as individuals.

A scripture just came to mind:
All things work together for good for those that love God. Romans 8:28

I never thought this mess would ever come to any good, but it has. I am free.

(side note: don’t get tied up in where the word comes from: God is called by many names in many cultures. None of us know his true name. Which frankly is more than likely a good thing)

Life is a journey, peace be with you and in you
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch
307.788.0202

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