Hi Hot Toddy… I so could not resist that. He He. Hope you don’t mind. I hope you and your hairballs (alias Pomeranians and critters) had a wonderful Halloween. Mine was seriously boring; Major yawn time; maybe next year. At least I shouldn’t be in such a sh*tty funk by then.Actually I am doing much better already. Have some, Hmmm what was the word he used, surgery to do so to speak. Not literally, at least not that I know of. But you know I’ve been putting that mammogram off. Titty in a vise grip, yeah right that’s just a ton of fun. But I digress.
No I’m not manic, just feeling better and a bit tongue in cheek. I hit another monster low and decided that I just was not going to deal with this sh*t by myself any more. Don’t take that the wrong way, I know you would listen, so would David now that he knows, but I needed more help than just listening.
Early last year after my February incident I looked up a shrink. I met with her once then cancelled all the rest of the appointments. When I looked at her I kept wanting to snap her in half. She was this tiny little woman that reacted nervously in our first meeting. (could have just been my perception) Hence me wanting to snap her in half, or rather wad her up like a Gumby doll. Yeah that’s it. Wad her up like a little green Gumby doll. The thought of it makes me laugh. That Todd Sweeny kind of laugh. Great movie by the way; has a wicked twist to it.
Who knows, she might be great at what she does, just not the right match with me.
I went to see Doc. F; excellent match. I saw him 10 or 12 years ago for a bit, he was very helpful then; however I wasn’t in the place in my own mind to really go for it. This time I am. I am so fed up with this static in my mind. Noisy damn stuff. No sleep to mention, panic attacks, mood swings from hell. It’s like a rollercoaster from hell; Yeeee Haww let me off this fu*cking ride.
The mess with the dogs was the final straw. It was God awful to make these choices and see them go anyway, but dealing with my cousin and mother in the mix turned a horrid situation into hell on earth. I got to the point where I couldn’t separate what was and what wasn’t, spinning out of control, to shutting down just staring at the TV. Wouldn’t have mattered about the TV, I was just staring. I did vomit emotional crap all over my blog. My way of stabilizing I suppose, maybe someone else can use it to help them stabilize as well.
I wonder sometimes if my cousin and mother are aware of the nasty/spiteful/painful things they say and do. Could it be they are unaware? Could it be they are so messed up themselves that playing spite/power games with others is the only way they can function? Who knows? Doesn’t really matter any more, they are who they are. If they are in pain, I hope they get help. Their words are their words, their actions are their actions, they are the ones responsible for them, not me. I don’t have to fix it. I am not responsible for it. Their lives are the results of their choices. I have never been at peace with that before. I always felt like I had to make it better for them.
Like I had to take care of them somehow, or they were my responsibility in this life.
I did something different this time with doctor F. Last time I said no drugs. This time I agreed to them. I’ve always been of the attitude, a bit snippety I know, no drugs they are just putting a band aid over the problem.
Ok I am chewing my words. Munch munch munch, I filled the scripts the day he gave them to me. Then I set them on my kitchen table and stared at them for a day. I picked up the bag from Walgreens to read what it said about them on the info papers and just said fu*ck it and took them. No not an overdose, I took them the way they were supposed to be taken. Within a half an hour the static was gone out of my head. What a bloody relief.
I am actually able to sleep at night. I don’t seem to need even a quarter of the allergy pills I was taking, and I am not in such constant pain anymore. I actually have peace in my mind. What a relief. If this is a band-aid over issues, fine. I’ll make use of the band-aid until I don’t need it any more. For now it is so wonderful to have peace in my mind rather than static.
It’s actually quiet in there unless I’m focusing on something. Then I can actually give what ever I am focusing on my attention without fighting through the static. I haven’t had a headache in over a week. I just realized that. Wow, I used to have headaches that lasted for days on end. Mind bending ones that made light your mortal enemy as it sliced through your eyes and your hair felt like needles ramming down into your brain. Wow, a week without a headache. Too cool. Wow.
What a bloody relief, and here’s the bonus; Other than actually feeling like a human rather than a torture subject. I am starting to become productive. Bit by bit I am working my way through this mountain of sh*it in my office, the yards too. It will take a while, but I’m actually enjoying the process.
I can’t remember a day without pain, and or static in my head before this. I can remember searing emotional pain, horrendous headaches; but no peace or calm. This feels so wonderful. Peace, calm, ahhhhhh. Just a huge sigh. Ahhhhhhh…. Like putting your face up against something really soft.
I can’t do anything about what others’ think of me, or say about me. Not one bloody thing. Mean ratty ass bastards one and all. But you know what; none of it matters any more. I can’t do anything about it anyway so fluff off one and all and a big to do to you and yours.
I don’t have a headache anymore. My head doesn’t hurt. What they say doesn’t matter one whit to me unless I decide it does. Guess what pissers. It doesn’t so piss off or not; I couldn’t care less.
(Obviously If you are not a nasty gossipy pisser this does not apply to you.)
I don’t have a headache any more, la la la la la ta dah, major happy dance on my part.
Eventually I’ll get around to dealing with issues that actually matter. Other than my not having a headache any more. I’ll do what I can as I can, that’s all there is.
Like me, love me, don’t like me, hate me, that’s your issue not mine. I am who I am, that’s it. Boop Boop De Doop.
Wow this turned from a letter to a journal/blog post. Got pretty excited when I realized I hadn’t had a headache in a week. Keep in mind there’s been over 40 years of those bloody headaches; and always pain either in my arms or legs. Unending aches, like a toothache in your arms or legs. Weird, wonder how all this is connected. Who’d a thought?
Funny thought: When I was in high school, yes I know a millennia ago. It was my sophomore year I believe, maybe my junior year, not quite sure. The old memory and all, lol. Anyway we had a segment on Nathanial Hawthorne. His writing used to drive me absolutely batty. He would start on a topic, then go into intense detail about what I thought was something else. Now I find myself writing in a similar style. No I am not so arrogant as to put myself on his level in writing. I just happened to notice that I tend to meander in a similar manner. A bit like Ducky in the program NCIS. Bit of a chuckle at that. I used to get so impatient with his writing. But I definitely had a vivid picture of what he was talking about, lol. Teenage impatience I suppose.
You know when my friend, Todd and I get on the phone our conversations tend to go on the same way. Meandering on enjoying each other’s company, quite a delight actually.
Must go for now, need to let some dogs out to run and turn out the chickens. Beautiful gray chilly morning today.
Life is a journey, filled with twists and turns.
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch
307.788.0202
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