It’s a sunny day after the storm. More than one kind of storm. I was going to say, more than one kind of storm I’m afraid. But you know what I am not afraid anymore. Kind of sad but not afraid any more.
I tried to talk to my mother once again. I failed miserably. Let me rephrase, I failed to get the response I so dearly wanted. What I wanted was a straight answer. Something she seems incapable of giving. Earlier this year she had said that she never wanted to speak to me again if I placed the dogs in rescue. Then she called me up again and threatened to put a restraining order on me.
The question I had asked her is “do you want to continue to have a relationship with me?”
I did get this roundabout answer that I was her daughter so what did I think.
Wow, what do I think? I think she has been a miserable manipulative lying monster throughout the entire ordeal.
Of course she tossed in the “you almost killed me again” I really should tape these conversations. I am thinking I will start to. Hmm, wonder what the legality of that would be. Oh linda is sure to get on the phone immediately and tell her I am going to tape her. Hurry hurry, you squealing pig of a person.
Tad bit of anger there. My bad.
As to how I almost killed her. Yes she was speaking literally. I almost killed her by removing those poor flea ridden worm infested dogs from her place. By the way I removed them by request. Her request. Which of course she is denying now.
My God I am so confused. This past year lie after lie after lie after lie has bubbled up to the surface of this toxic waste dump of a relationship. Now I am wondering how much of my childhood is real and how much is based on a lie. Or a myriad of lies. Here is the big one. The real heartbreaker. Did my dad leave us, or did he simply go on ahead to make a place for us and she refused to go. Did my mother steal my time growing up with my father?
Did she do this? Then lie about him not wanting me. Did dad forget me in a car, or leave me in the car to die when I was a little girl? Or is that some twisted lie too? What was I to my mom? A meal ticket for afdc, a weapon to use against my father, or a little girl to be loved. What was I? What was I? What was I?
What about the good memories are they all lies too? What is real?
The hateful things people do to their children never ceases to amaze me. A note to anyone in the midst of a divorce or separating from your life mate who has children. Do not use your kids as weapons against your mate! Doing so is selfish and hateful. Allow your kids to know both parents, who they really are, not some distorted picture you painted of them.
I wonder If there would be a police record of my being shut in that car so many years ago. I think I’ll make some phone calls and see what I can find out. Not to push it in anyone’s face. But for me.
I called the cop shop where these incidents allegedly happened. The said it would be no problem to go through the records. That the records went back that far and that I could look through them. Sounds like a day trip to me. Not sure when I am going to take it but I am going to take it. I don’t know; it may be a total waste of time. I am not ready to deal with it just yet.
I wonder what Aunt M can tell me about her childhood. Be interesting to hear a different perspective.
Maybe I am trying to make excuses for my mother once again. But I don’t think so. I am trying to understand the dynamic that helped to make her the way she is; and has been.
There Is nothing I can do about the way she lives her life. But, perhaps I can understand it. And in the process heal my self.
What a waste.
I have taken steps to help myself. I started with a wonderful therapist this past week. One day one step at a time. Hey if things are becoming too much or you just need a safe place to vent or sort out your life. Find a reputable therapist and go for it. There is no family or career crap tied in there. It’s a safe haven. Patient confidentiality and all that.
If you are suicidal or homicidal and don’t have a therapist, call the suicide hotline. You can have peace in your head, you can deal with emotions without them totally overwhelming you with static and pain. You are worth it. No matter what some other sh*t has said.
You are worth it. There is peace on this side of death. I know there is, I’ve had glimpses of it this past week.
There is life without total rage, static, pain. There is life with peace, joy. Not all the time, but in balance; and survivable.
Life is a journey, each day holds a new promise
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch:
307.788.0202
I tried to talk to my mother once again. I failed miserably. Let me rephrase, I failed to get the response I so dearly wanted. What I wanted was a straight answer. Something she seems incapable of giving. Earlier this year she had said that she never wanted to speak to me again if I placed the dogs in rescue. Then she called me up again and threatened to put a restraining order on me.
The question I had asked her is “do you want to continue to have a relationship with me?”
I did get this roundabout answer that I was her daughter so what did I think.
Wow, what do I think? I think she has been a miserable manipulative lying monster throughout the entire ordeal.
Of course she tossed in the “you almost killed me again” I really should tape these conversations. I am thinking I will start to. Hmm, wonder what the legality of that would be. Oh linda is sure to get on the phone immediately and tell her I am going to tape her. Hurry hurry, you squealing pig of a person.
Tad bit of anger there. My bad.
As to how I almost killed her. Yes she was speaking literally. I almost killed her by removing those poor flea ridden worm infested dogs from her place. By the way I removed them by request. Her request. Which of course she is denying now.
My God I am so confused. This past year lie after lie after lie after lie has bubbled up to the surface of this toxic waste dump of a relationship. Now I am wondering how much of my childhood is real and how much is based on a lie. Or a myriad of lies. Here is the big one. The real heartbreaker. Did my dad leave us, or did he simply go on ahead to make a place for us and she refused to go. Did my mother steal my time growing up with my father?
Did she do this? Then lie about him not wanting me. Did dad forget me in a car, or leave me in the car to die when I was a little girl? Or is that some twisted lie too? What was I to my mom? A meal ticket for afdc, a weapon to use against my father, or a little girl to be loved. What was I? What was I? What was I?
What about the good memories are they all lies too? What is real?
The hateful things people do to their children never ceases to amaze me. A note to anyone in the midst of a divorce or separating from your life mate who has children. Do not use your kids as weapons against your mate! Doing so is selfish and hateful. Allow your kids to know both parents, who they really are, not some distorted picture you painted of them.
I wonder If there would be a police record of my being shut in that car so many years ago. I think I’ll make some phone calls and see what I can find out. Not to push it in anyone’s face. But for me.
I called the cop shop where these incidents allegedly happened. The said it would be no problem to go through the records. That the records went back that far and that I could look through them. Sounds like a day trip to me. Not sure when I am going to take it but I am going to take it. I don’t know; it may be a total waste of time. I am not ready to deal with it just yet.
I wonder what Aunt M can tell me about her childhood. Be interesting to hear a different perspective.
Maybe I am trying to make excuses for my mother once again. But I don’t think so. I am trying to understand the dynamic that helped to make her the way she is; and has been.
There Is nothing I can do about the way she lives her life. But, perhaps I can understand it. And in the process heal my self.
What a waste.
I have taken steps to help myself. I started with a wonderful therapist this past week. One day one step at a time. Hey if things are becoming too much or you just need a safe place to vent or sort out your life. Find a reputable therapist and go for it. There is no family or career crap tied in there. It’s a safe haven. Patient confidentiality and all that.
If you are suicidal or homicidal and don’t have a therapist, call the suicide hotline. You can have peace in your head, you can deal with emotions without them totally overwhelming you with static and pain. You are worth it. No matter what some other sh*t has said.
You are worth it. There is peace on this side of death. I know there is, I’ve had glimpses of it this past week.
There is life without total rage, static, pain. There is life with peace, joy. Not all the time, but in balance; and survivable.
Life is a journey, each day holds a new promise
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch:
307.788.0202
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