Humpf...

Hello Peeps… little irony in that pic… since that is exactly what I am not doing very well today…

The beef mushrooms and onion is in the oven… the desert is made and cooling… all that is left is the asparagus… watermelon… and to grind coffee… but alas it seems some are not coming… and now I wonder if any are… I do not know…

Frankly the way I am feeling today… I would like to get in my jeep and just drive… and keep driving… but then who would take care of my critters… no I am not feeling sorry for myself… grief and pain has knocked me sideways today… perchance it is a cloudy gray morning that has prompted it…

More than likely it is the selfish inconsiderate actions of a person that hurt a friend of mine… what I would not give to spend just a moment with my husband… then to see this person crap all over time that was to be spent with my friend and then see this person working to cause a rift between two friends… trying to rip them apart… as well as trying to get between one friend and his wife… argh… nasty creature is playing them off against each other…

Both friends seem to be blind to the insidious game she is playing… all the while she is crying innocence… may her true face be known by them both before it is too late… and may their eyes be opened and understanding of what actually is … fill their minds and being…

I really do not like false women… suppose I should change that to false people… since I am not fond of false males either… manipulative nasty creatures… too bad we cannot simply shove them into a huge tar pit and let them thrash about on each other until they simply were no more… alas … that does not seem to be an option… it can be difficult to sort them as some are very good at hiding their true intentions… argh…

Made me think of a very old star trek episode where they had this truth machine… it showed whenever a person was false… what a lovely tool to have that would be….

I am so not a fan of this kind of crap…

I could have done without this grieving slam today… truly… I thought I was past a lot of the pain… I suppose I am… but that does not mean there is not more coming… seriously I could do with some Kevlar to block it… ugh… not sure how that would work though… since the pain is coming from inside… life’s little twisted ironies… I have heard time heals all wounds… ha! That is so not true… perhaps in time we learn more of how to integrate the loss… the pain… I know there are actually moments of joy in my life now… not at present… but at times… and that is more than it was… I know David is always with me… but there are times … like right bloody now… that his physical death is simply unbearable…

Hey it looks like a straight road ahead… then no… add sinister laughter here … it’s a switchback… grief slam… wham… watch the human squirm…

Ok Mary… step away from it… much easier said than done… gotta do it somehow or it’s a nasty downward spiral into a morass of pain much worse than today… and today was no bloody picnic.. well maybe it was… a Texas Chainsaw Massacre picnic… rip out her heart she doesn’t need it any more… wwwhhhhaaaaa…. Yes I know I have a twisted sense of humor… it is a coping mechanism…

Kinda makes ya wonder what is going on in Stephen King’s mind… hehehehe…. oh what a mind… what a mind indeed… wonder if Christine is on Netflix… David and I used to watch that movie together… yes he was more than old westerns … gotta bit of twisted horror flix in there too… Such a guy… a kinder heart no one had… a trusting loyal soul… and so much strength… it was so hard to watch the meds steal his physical strength… he could pick up an engine block back in the day…

Those wonderful hazel eyes…shifting colors from green… brown and gold flecks… and gray… and arms that could hug you until the end of days… and then his body died… and that beautiful soul was free of its mortal trap…

It seems I have more to do here… but frankly some days I am pretty friggen useless… I am thankful for the time we had and the love we have… but man this is a bloody nasty ultra-marathon… yes back in the day I ran distance… David was a sprinter… and a football player… and a bare knuckle fighter … and lifter… well … both of us were lifters… he raced cars… I rode horses…

He told me about some of the races they got into… about the sounds of the motors… the speed… I told him about some of the mischief I got into on horseback… we were a good team and put each other first… did not always agree with each other … but had each other’s backs no matter what…

Well at least I am semi functioning… can’t see very well… bawling my face off tends to do that to me… but I am still here… pecking away at a keyboard… listening to the quiet tick of the clock… the sound of a dove calling outside… and some song bird twittering… yes my front door is open… the day is still overcast and gray… like it is waiting… holding it’s breath for something… Mow Mow Tat is asleep on her shelf… the convection oven is doing it’s fan noise…

I am going to go throw some cold water on my face and prep some asparagus for dinner… I may be eating it alone… but it will be tasty just the same… and I have not eaten much today… stomach tends to go foobar when I am upset as well…

Later taters…

Mary E. Robbins
facebook
twitter