anxiety rollercoaster...

Wow… anxiety just went into hyperdrive… I so hate this… such a simple thing … and I have really triggered… yes I grabbed the rescue remedy… hate that feeling like ya are going to hurl all over the place… feel like I am in freefall… ok… breathe… calm… breathe … calm…

Cooking dinner for some friends tomorrow evening… now it looks like there may be one more coming… there is plenty of food… it’s not that… it’s just another person in my house… I have met this person before… and she was actually supposed to be here last week… and did not make it… I just triggered… argh… ok… I am not cancelling… I am going to do this… I don’t care how bad this rollercoaster ride gets… I am doing this… if I step back now… I will be putting a bar back up on a prison window… one I have been working on ripping out of there…

I have been outside most of the day… came in to cook and eat lunch… fixed lambsquarters a bit of chuck… cantaloupe … and some tomato… I loaned my internet to a friend for work this morning… so I have not been online most of the day… I did ranch rounds… planted the flower pots in my front yard… and was pulling the field grass and bind weed out of my irises… I am going to head back out there and try to work some of this off…

Need to pull the meat out of the freezer for tomorrow’s dinner… I miss David so much… my Kaizen drum got here late yesterday afternoon… I played it for a while last night and a bit today… I know he would have loved it… I hope he can hear it…

June is the month David had been taking vacation before he retired… it is also the month my Pops came to visit for several weeks… they are probably hanging out together on the other side… I am trying to make it here… but this afternoon I have sure slammed into a wall of pain … anxiety… panic… and grief…

Wow… ya think you are doing ok… then it’s like walking on a road with switchbacks… you think you have gone quite a ways… then you find you are right back there in the thick of it… gotta love triggers and emotional flashbacks… anyone for skipping through a mine field today… whoo ha…

Wowzers… cycled through that pretty fast… I am hitting the wtf was that all about point now… ppphhhhtttt!!!!!!... and pisssed… gggrrrrrrr…. Yes I am growling… yanking that grass out should give some satisfaction… actually wouldn’t mind beating the stuffing out of the boxing bag… friggen sinuses are totally stuffed now… seriously…

I am going to play with my drum a bit more before doing a video… the first video will be short and freestylin… sometime after that dinner… just going to use the lap top to do it… so nothing fancy… hope the sound picks up… because the tones are wonderful… I am loving this drum… I may write some tunes later… but for now it’s just feelin it…

Still kinda shaky but leveling off… hey who needs a carnival for a rollercoaster ride… saw a deer walking along the railroad tracks yesterday as I was driving the jeep down the gravel road by my place… was beautiful… no I did not have my camera…

Aaccckkk… my nose is totally stuffed up… gonna heat up some water for something hot to drink… yes probably coffee… yeah ok… it’s coffee… 6 big pots in the front yard… 1 scented geranium, 1 pot purple verbena, 1 pot red geranium, 1 pot coleus, 1 pot red geranium, 1 pot dusty miller… put some Johnny jump ups around the geraniums… these big pots are sitting beside the kitty kennel.. so the kitties were reaching out and playing with my hair as I worked… Larry was sitting on top of their house just having a grand time batting the hair on top of my head around… and so was Curly…

My garden is a massive weed bed… eventually I’ll get to it… ah well… anybody want to have a week yankin party… yank that weed… now shake it all about… grab another … stand up and shout…

Yeah ok… I am past it… friggen anxiety attack… guess this is what I mean by writing my way though it…and yes I did stop and play with my drum a bit…

Timer is going off… gonna pour some coffee… this time it is weak coffee… re-used my grind from this morning’s coffee in the French press… nose is opening back up… went and used some of that lung cleanse stuff… seems to help… so it is pour some coffee… have some hot… and go get the meat out of the freezer to thaw… and pull some more grass… then take a break …

Later taters… may peace fill you…

Mary E. Robbins
facebook
twitter