Tuesday, May 04, 2010

The "window" of relationship - Vibrant Nation


It is a window through which you can pass (to become ever closer, to get married, to create a stronger friendship), or a window that you can pass by.
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Posted on Tuesday, May 04, 2010 by LucyBHoffman

I have a friend who was once close. I think I could say that we still have a certain aspect of closeness, mostly based on past history, but the situation between has dramatically altered. There was a time in our lives when we were at similar posts on the road. Mile marker "selfish." That is a judgmental way of stating it, nevertheless true. It may have been because of the choices we made in our lives previously. But those are our choices. We spent a few years sharing our own selfish desires. Participating together. Providing cover. Somehow, I thought I was a very different friend for her. I thought I was someone whom she would never hurt nor betray. Those were parameters which I set up for myself. As long as I was willing to be part of the relationship on her terms, then we were close. Once I challenged that and refused to continue to offer support for things that I felt unsupportable, the relationship shifted. She was able to turn her back on me for a period of months. Since that time, although we have made momentary attempts to try to get back to where we once were, it has never worked. We have not regained the trust and the dependency we once had.

I believe it is because we both grew past the window. The "window" is my theory of relationships. It is a window through which you can pass (to become ever closer, to get married, to create a stronger friendship), or a window that you can pass by. Sometimes life makes the choice of which one you do. Sometimes you make the choice.

In this example, I'm not sure which one happened. But for whatever reason, passing by that window became the choice for me. I stopped wanting to try again with her. After the pain of being put aside, and ignored, I realized an important thing. In many ways, this friendship was a recreation of my relationship with my mother. An "I'm there in the bad times for you to talk to but not depend on" kind of relationship. A "you do all the work and all the planning and I may show up or I may cancel" type of friendship that does not represent friendship at all in my eyes. Others I'm sure would not find this necessarily an un-salvageable friendship, but we all carry different emotional baggage. If I didn't have this as a mother/daughter relationship, there is a good likelihood that it would not create the emotions of abandonment and loneliness which it has in the past.

I don't want to continue or work on relationships in which I feel abandoned. That is not where I will allow my efforts or feelings to go or to grow. I want to work on friendships in which something/much is returned. I have those in my life, and I have more and more happening. I think that is part of my own growth, that I have begun to choose better in regards to my own needs. When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

Last night I received an email from this friend stating she would like to send me a letter. I know that it has become difficult for her to deal with my lack of interest. Her desire is that life remain the same, and three former friends find a way back to where they once were. That time is gone. Perhaps as old ladies we can once rock and chat and re-establish a connection that is now forced. That will remain to be determined. For now, I will accept the reaching out that rarely happens, and keep on letting it go. It makes me feel healthier.

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I was having my morning coffee and perusing my facebook account  when I came across the above post to Vibrant Nation.  It struck a chord with me as it is an issue that I have been dealing with in my own life.



Life is a journey, sometimes the faces of those we travel with change...
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch
307.788.0202

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