Tried to eat breakfast this morning… gagged on it… Sara and Diesel enjoyed it. Heard this song on cbs this morning… about better tell the gravedigger to dig 2 holes if you go first… yes I totally lost it. I haven’t been posting much … or writing much… I’ve been rather overwhelmed with mood swings and grief. PTSD is in a full on flare up.
I tried to take the kittens up to the whelping house yesterday… I got them up there then saw their empty kitty condo in the living room and could not stop crying. Grief counselor was here then and she was on target with what she said… it was not time yet… just too much change… we went up to the whelping house … and while we were up there I introduced her to the entire dog family… well other than the labs… and she saw them as well… just no introduction…all the hairballs were smiling and dancing around… then we brought the kitten crew back to the house…
they were hiding under straw with eyes as big as saucers before we picked them up and put them in the pet carrier to go back to the house… they were 3 happy campers to get back into their kitty condo.
Vicious panic attack last night… woke up to the start of another one… took some saint johns wort and some rescue remedy. I am seeing a different case manager today and a new doctor… I know that is part of what is driving the reactions this morning.
Legs swelled up again yesterday… most of the swelling was down this morning. Maybe this doctor will be a good thing. I hope so. Although at this point in my life I have very little hope of them being of any benefit. Maybe that’s just depression talking. I don’t know. I sure lost it over those kittens yesterday. The tiniest change is totally destabilizing now.
I’ve started taking Diesel (cane corso) back to bed with me again. Just having him in there to curl up to seems to help keep be a bit grounded.
I dreamed of hanging the other night… first time I’ve ever had a suicide dream. I hate choking… grandma choked… mom choked… uncle gene choked… uncle bus choked… all of us… they had (I have) hiatal hernias and have some throat damage… from stomach acid burns… maybe I was choking in my sleep … who knows… I just know I woke up from a hanging dream… and that noose had been for me.
Limp is becoming more pronounced… but at least I am still walking. That is a good thing… Stomach has been flaring badly. Ugh! Still have shingles or whatever that nightmare is on my face. On a bright note I have been able to keep it out of my eye… and my ear is not hurting as bad. I’ve been putting zeolite drops in my eyes and my ear.
The crocus are blooming… tulips and daffodils are up… not blooming yet…
Before David’s physical death… I had no idea … I thought I did…but in actuality I did not. This is unimaginable…. One can try to imagine it… but until you are in the middle of it… there is no real comprehension. Frankly … at the risk of sounding selfish… I could have done without this comprehension.
The sun is shining… and the earth is still turning. The sky is still an explosion of beauty with the dramatic shapes, bright whites and shades of grays in the clouds… and the dramatic blues, hues of reds, yellows, pinks, deep black dazzling stars… sailing moon and so on… this amazing ball … living planet that we are existing on is still sailing around the sun in its orbit…
My world as I knew it ended when David’s body died. When I look at that beautiful sky it actually surprises me in its beauty. That the days and nights are continuing on. How could they be with this vital piece missing. How is that possible? David was/is so much a part of my very existence that when we were physically torn apart… one on this side of the veil and one on the other side… that my world shattered… I shattered.
Yet… spring is still progressing… the tulips are growing… the birds are singing… There were very few birds here when we moved here. Now the place is teeming with feathered creatures. Amazing enough when I hear them it is soothing to my soul. I wonder do they worry…. Or are they capable of living in the now… appreciating the moments as they occur… I have never been very good at that. Always preparing for the un-preparable… or beating myself up over something in the past. Neither of which in actuality makes any sense at all.
So the question is… how do I learn to appreciate the 22 years of memories… 22 years of unconditional love from my best friend/husband… rather than mourn the loss of the years we wanted to have together so badly. We wanted to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary… to grow old together… to sit in our recliners and watch tv together… to cast out a fishing line out… together… I do not have the answer to that… perhaps one day I will…
As for now it is one moment… one breath at a time…
Mary E. Robbins
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