Sand Hills Cranes...and Memories

Today … this morning anyway it is a sunny spring day… with clouds sprinkled across the sky. I heard this sound as I was taking the Pominators outside and getting a sheet of tin to go along the side of the cat run. For a bit I did not recognize what it was. I said to myself. David would know what that is. I kept listening and the memory of him telling me what it was came back to me. It was the cranes. Flying high in the sky and calling. I remembered a story he told me about him and his brother Gary sitting out on the front step or lying there… with binoculars watching the cranes as kids. The cranes so high in the sky you could barely see them… David truly loved his family…he was so glad of any time they could have together… cherishing the memories… telling the stories to keep the memories alive…

I went in the house and picked up the binocular case… moving his hat in the process…. And took the case outside. I gently pulled the binoculars out of the case and looked at the cranes… watching them fly in swooping circles as a group… listening to their calls…

I’ve lost the sound of David’s voice. I panicked … with all the tech that is available… there is no recording of his voice. I can hear the wonderful words he said to me… and feel the love … but the sound of his voice… then I realized … I heard him this morning in the calls of the sand hills cranes… in the sound of the pheasants as they call and fly… in the rumble of the coal trains … in the barking of our dogs… even in the silence…

 I was weeping and crying for peace this morning… asking God over and over…. Then I heard it in my head as I was fastening the gate latches on the upper dog yard…. You have to accept it. … peace is available… you have to accept it…

It never occurred to me that I was rejecting peace… tearing myself apart in agony and grief… David’s time in this physical life is done. At this point in time I can not see myself as being accepting of that. It seems my time in this life is not yet at an end. Without my husband here… I am not thrilled about that either… that said… if I am to continue in this life… as it seems it is for me to do… the pain… depression… chaos… that has been tearing my very being apart must cease.

I am literally tearing myself apart. Peace is there… healing is there… I have to accept it… choose to heal…

Thank You for Peace...

Mary E. Robbins
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