I have not had much to say today… other than posting pics… then I read this post from One Fit Widow … the following quote is what they posted… and after is my reaction… dark place… light place… neither… just is…
“I keep finding myself stifled by the company of others and then crippled by loneliness when I leave them. I am terrified and I don't even know of what, because I have lost everything already.” ~Veronica Roth, Allegiant
Thank you for sharing this... it is so confusing... I am totally exhausted strangled by the company of most people...
I have found one friend that is actually restorative to me... but most... it is just too hard... then I am lonely alone... and terrified... relearning to live without fear... one moment at a time...
people ask me ... what would I do if my world as I knew it came to an end... and everything was destroyed or disrupted... I usually just look at them and think... it already was... so none of it matters now... and try to take another breath...
others say... oh you are doing so well.. you have come so far... and I think... my mask fits well doesn't it... there is some reason I am still here in this life... even-though my grasp on it is tenuous at best... I am tired... and truth be told... still angry over my husband being taken across...
others say... oh there is something better for you... and I want to reach out and rip their speech capacity out of their throats... yes there is anger there... and that is ok... it is as it is...
there are moments... moments when I can appreciate the sound of the wild birds singing... actually taste the food or coffee I am drinking... appreciate a hug...
then there are the predators... wow... seriously... trying to prey on widows... restraint... massive restraint... when I would just like to let go and let my rage dance across them leaving them ... well how they would be left I will leave to the imagination...
another day... another step... am I healing... I don't know... I think evolving would be a more accurate description... so who is this woman... the one who writes... paints... stares off into space... who is she indeed... this I am discovering moment by moment...
Mary E. Robbins
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