Started writing this considerably earlier in the day… weather.com now says it is 7 above… my yard thermometer says considerably warmer… yay…
Good Morning Peeps! Another frosty … strike that… friggen cold… morning on the high plains… weather.com says Torrington is at -11 F right now… and Huntley is at a charming – 7 …. Thinking I am going to go see what my yard thermometer says… the thermometer in my yard says a charming 1 degree F above zero… any way you look at it … it is rather frosty… however the wind is not blowing and the sun is shining bright… the forecast says it’s supposed to get up to 36 degrees F today… hey it’s a heat wave…
Just ran the mastiffs out… gonna bring them back inside in a minute or so… the rest of the hairballs want to go outside to do their business… as soon as they step out there they will be wanting right back inside…
Breakfast is done… coffee, sausage, egg, spaghetti squash… have not taken my vitamins yet but did manage to clip my fingernails and drink 20 ounces of water. Still working on my first cup of coffee for the day… the bird feeder is empty… gonna fill that today… load of dog food came in yesterday… gotta get that unloaded before the snow starts to melt… it is stacked in the back of my truck… on top of snow… wood ring is nearly empty… time to bring in a couple more cartloads of firewood… might bring in 3…
My birthday was good… loved all the happy birthday wishes and cards… lovely… dinner at my friend’s house was good… he can make a seriously good cup of coffee… pork roast cooked to perfection… a medley of cabbage, broccoli, and garlic… with a bit of hot sauce to top the whole thing off… yum…
After dinner there was a documentary he wanted me to see… I had heard about what happened in this place… but had not seen the documentary… frankly I nearly lost my dinner…. This documentary was about prisons the United States ran in Afghanistan and in Iraq … and what happened there… what we did in those prisons was in violation of the Geneva Convention… in violation of Trust… in violation of simple human decency… it was as vicious as the concentration camps in Germany in World War II… it was as vicious as what happened in the slave trades… it was a vicious as what happened in the Roman coliseums … they actually filmed part of what they did… this documentary was not reenactments… it was the real thing… the lives that were destroyed there… not only of the victims… yes I said victims… for most of the people rounded up into those prisons were nothing more than people trying to live their lives… people like you and me… and with the mentality that put this nightmare together… could just as easily be you and me…
It was the same mentality that came into play with the American Indians… round em all up and let God sort them out later… in was the same thing… and just as obscene…
The U.S. soldiers that were there were responsible… but they were also caught in the middle… they were being used as weapons … as interrogators… as torturers… by those giving the orders… layer after layer of orders insulating the ones truly responsible… protecting them from the consequences of their actions… sacrificing those below them in the hierarchy ….
The prisoners and the soldiers both were sacrificed in this situation… no one comes out of this kind of thing as a whole person… those that were beaten… crucified …yes hanging up a person by their hands in cuffs attached to the ceiling is crucifying them… when you suspend someone by their arms or hands… and their legs can no longer support them… either from days of hanging there… or having your legs broken or beaten… your weight drops… you can no longer stand… as you are hanging by your arms… your diaphragm spasms… cramps… contracts… and you suffocate to death… yes that is how Christ died… rather ironic is it not… tortured and crucified…
I saw one U.S. solider in this film rocking back and forth as he was being interviewed… I looked at the expression on his face… in his eyes… at his body language… and I thought… his mind and spirit are broken…
Yet those truly responsible … those that violated everyone’s trust… those hiding behind layers and layers of orders… deny responsibility and have no consequences… as the people there look on us… yes us… because those soldiers represent us… look on us… some in hope… and some in abject terror…. Not knowing whether we came to help them… or to torture and kill them…
Have some idea now why the soldiers coming home are dealing with complex PTSD … their entire sense of self… of who we are… of what we stand for… of what is good and true… of what is real… has been shattered… their trust has been violated…
This was a hard thing for me to watch… it is a hard thing for me to write… but writing it I am… It is write it or stay lost in the pain and agony of it… yes it triggered me as I watched it… no I was not in those prisons… but I have gone through the total violation of trust… been beaten… over what I will never really know… no it was not my husband David…
The agony of what happened went ripping through my chest… bursting out through my sternum… feeling like it was literally ripping me apart… then anger came swirling through… mixing with the agony…. Stirring old memories pulling me deeper into the melee… ripping more wounds… shredding the flesh across my breast bone… and making my heart hurt with every beat… fire running down both arms and across my face… as I tried to process…. Finally screaming out in cries as the raw emotion burst forth in sound… leaving me exhausted and sad…
So I am writing… maybe if more are aware… maybe …
Do not want to be lost in the pain and anger… breath in… I am… breath out… peace… repeat…. Breathe… release it … let it go… my arms are on fire… process this emotion… purge it… allow yourself to heal…
Make a routine… breathe… do oxycise… run the dogs… write… give thanks for the fire in the wood stove… give thanks for a quiet morning… calm… breathe… process the pain… and let it go… heal…
There are so many others… breathe… process… let it go… heal… as you heal you become stronger than you were before… choose life…
I am aware of what people are capable of…
I choose to heal… to live in peace…
May peace fill your heart soul and mind… no matter what situation you are in… for therein is truly a victory…
Mary E. Robbins
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